eh jap jap.
i feel like i’m spamming my own blog but whatever,
i’ll probably miss writing once the smester starts.
sbject reader dh ambik tapi tk tahu bile nk start reading.
i still have to get my schedules tgther
and maybe mentally prepare myself for the upcoming battle.
the thing about writing is that i just use words without a voice.
last semester, there were 4 subjects.
out of the 4,
2 are electives, 1 is the program core, and the other 1 is the stream core.
so i took a shot at some subjects that i wasn’t very familiar with
and so it turns out that i might need a lot more than jst a few mnths to come up with an A.
at this level, it’s not jst whether or not you did okay, it does matter (to me) whether or not it’s an A.
although i’m not really bugged by it, it does kinda matter. in a personal way.
i set targets for myself
not just if i can surpass the minimum requirements,
if i can jump out of my previous learning field into something completely different and perform in it as if it’s something i’m completely used to
i want it to be to the point where it didn’t really seemed that i came from a different background.
but of course
i want a lot of things
but how much i have them is a totally different matter.
drpd 4 sbject ni, ader yg aku rse mcm mule2 okay, pas tu makin lame rase mcm makin complicated
pas tu ader pulak yg mule2 rse mcm complicated, pas tu makin lame rase mcm okay.
ader yg aku rse mcm aku trudge on an uncertain path, one that is based on instincts and personal judgement when i’m not exactly sure how it should be
because this program isn’t exactly designed for people like me
it’s for people who’ve been somewhere and knows where they’re heading towards
it’s not really designed for people like me who finishes one school and goes to another.
so most of the time, i have to fend for myself
and yes, berdoa pd tuhan utk panduan dan pertolongan.
aku pn tak pasti aper kesudahannyer utk aku
aku jst tahu yg aku kene try and do it anyway
and sometimes it gets tiring when a lot is going on at the same time
sometimes you can get a bit lost and forlorn
sometimes i do wonder why i’m doing it
but i kinda figured that i have to do it anyway
i have to
i have to
make the most out of it
and be thankful.
because it’s better to be thankful than regretful.
stgh tahun yg pertama tu bukan snang utk aku
aku pn tk tahu mcmane nk cari kekuatan utk stgh tahun yg kedua ni nanti
aku ader rse mcm rsau, tak yakin, ragu2, takut.
aku takut it’s going too rapidly than what i can handle
aku takut the load is overwhelming
aku takut aku lupe what to do bile things get rocky
aku takut aku takde backup plan.
aku takut aku tak boleh solve my own problems when they come.
i have a lot of fears.
i may look like i’m winging it,
like i got everything under control but
actually, no, aku slalu ader rase takut ni
bukan tak percaya pd kasih sayang-Nya
just tak percaya pd a lot of different things
like how it takes everything just right to get a space shuttle to fly
but it only takes a small foam imperfection for it to explode.
i feel as if my life is that space shuttle,
if it doesn’t fly it would probably explode.
like one of those do or die, all or nothing, kind of thing.
let’s just forget that for a bit before it drives me up the wall.
esok nk pergi winter gathering, insyaAllah.
i’ll jst have to learn how to live. normally.