lemme jst.. get this out of my system for a bit.
ader byk masalah sbnrnye.
tpi sbb aku tgh try nk manage things sndiri trying to berdiri di atas kaki sndiri gitu,
so aku pn slowly cube nk mengecikkan masalah2 aku.
which may also equals to = denial (well, sort of).
so aku pn try to shrink these problems and package them into little ones and sumbat them anywhere that i think i can shove them into
which may also equals to = letting go.
new problems arrived. in different forms.
and then the old ones came back.
and then i thought i’d be fine
but i don’t know how to (be fine).
maybe i just need to sit through one more sunset
for a bit,
i don’t know.
i met my asian friends yesterday
they wanted to meet up or something.
i don’t really like hanging out for a drink, it’s not really my style.
but i agreed to meet and went there,
and then they were so nice to consider my needs (non-alcohol premises, etc).
they didn’t even mind that i was fasting (no eating).
at chocolateria san churro; we sat and talked.
and mostly shared the same views about this country.
the only difference is
they did better than me in the smster rsults.
i was a bit overwhelmed.
not that i was expecting any lesser frm asian scholarship cndidates or smthng,
but bcause i thought that we’d do pretty much the same kind of marks
but we’re not.
we’re not the same.
and even though i can jst pass it off as each of us taking different majors or mostly different subjects
deep inside me i feel like i can’t.
i can’t just pass it off as that.
i can’t jst think: oh it’s because we’re taking mostly different things, with different lecturers that’s why we have different grades.
i feel like there is something that i’m supposed to do or have that i didn’t do or have that made the difference.
i feel very bengang ngn diri sndiri
sbb tk dpt cpai kbhgiaan utk diri sndiri.
i would probably have felt better if i achieved more
but in this case, aku tak la salahkan takdir
aku berusaha utk redha dan terima ketentuan-Nya
walaupn aku rse perasaan bengang dgn diri sndiri tu still ader.
pas tu aku rse cam lost skjap.
aku bukan snang nk terime bnda drastic yg happen mendadak.
mcm mse bile handphone aku rosak recently
aku bukan rsau sgt sbb takder handphone time tu,
aku jst risau sbb takde satu benda yg permanent yg selame ni ada dlm hidup aku.
sbb dlm handphone tu ader mcm2 benda.
even bnda2 basic mcm alamat rumah and tarikh2 peristiwa pn ader dlm tu.
so aku cam cuak.
tapi aku try to shake it off thinking: it’s okay i’ll jst get another phone or smthng and then i can try and get things back on track
(but i don’t think it’s that simple because some things that you lose are just lost. forever).
pas tu aku worry about continuing on the next semester.
i’m not sure if i can resume with life normally.
pas tu aku tak sure psl my relationships with certain people
ader msenyer aku rse mcm aku ader stop trying and stepped back sbb aku mcm dh penat je nk brace myself for the emotional ride
aku rse mcm aku tk segigih dulu dlm meng-approach org2 ni sbb aku mcm dh meneka2 dan meng-assume sendiri the kind of reaction or things that will take place that i think is not worth the pain
pas tu aku think about people moving away, one by one
aku terbygkan rumah yg kosong yg cume ader aku sorang je
bertemankan lampu orange yg malap ni
pas tu aku rse mcm
tibe2 aku ader byk fears.
sjak bile perangai penakut aku ni berganda?
mcm bile dihimpit satu persatu problem
tibe2 aku jadi extra wimpy ke?
sblm ni aku rse aku okay je
tak la okay sgt, tapi at least boleh lagi la nk ketepikan kenyataan
dan berpura2 utk survive
nape tibe2 rse
sume mcm overwhelming je.
maybe it’s the 24 years of age thingy
it’s different when you’re approaching your quarter life century
and people are doing just fine (when you’re not).
sometimes i think i’m okay
but sometimes i feel like i’m barely hanging by a thin thread
with nothing to back me up when i fall.
mcm aku see the world through a dark light pulak.
aku yakin aku bukan org yg mcm ni.
i just need to find a way to lighten up kot.
and twenty-four tries
twenty-four finds me
in twenty-fourth place
with twenty-four drop outs
at the end of the day
life is not what i thought it was
twenty-four hours ago
i’m in that kind of sea of confusion
and i can’t talk my way out of it with anyone because their lives are unlike mine
i don’t know.
and remember my friend yg mintak aku doakan jodoh tu yg aku doakan jugak utk dier tu?
well finally dier dh pn on the way bakal bersama jodohnyer soon
insyaAllah dlm b’berape hari ni dlm proses urusan pernikahan.
aku mcm terkejut jgk kot
sbb agak mendadak dan tak disangka2.
aku kene la teruskn doa yg baik2
mudah2an lg byk lg org boleh bahagia