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All posts for the month August, 2011

ke mana

Published August 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku rse sesak.

ramadhan dh nk hbis.

aku blom bsedia nk ditinggalkn ramadhan walaupn dh byk dh yg tinggalkn aku

kdg2 aku rasa aper yg aku cuba buat sntiasa tak memadai

sntiasa tak sempurna.

aku tk nk fikir sgt psl aidilfitri

tapi itu kn sunnah rasulullah. mane boleh aku buat tk tahu je mcm yg aku plan sblm ni.

mane family aku?

smpai ke tidak surat2 aku?

 

aku stress dgn subject elective aku yg agak menekan

aku tak takut. aku jst mcm bengang. pas tu frust. pas tu mcm upset. sbb aku dh biase jumpe logic dan pengertian sblm terima penyelesaian so bile tibe2 ada smthng yg aku rse tak betul then susah la.

 

dlm tgh kesibukan tu,

hri ni aku msuk ptandingn syrahan.

tpi tak menang.

pas tu aku tak tahu nape aku cam “disenchanted” kot.

sbb aku tak biase kalah kot. maybe susah nk terime kekalahan mcm a normal human being. mule la fikir psl kekurangan2 yg ada.

aku suke menang. untung. berjaye. teratas.

aku tak suke kalah. rugi. gagal. di bawah.

 

bile masuk uni, aku suke compare pncapaian with people supaye dpt redakn hati sndiri and feel better.

bukan sbb aku nk berbangga diri or merendahkan org, tpi just ckup utk aku tahu whether or not i’m on the right track. so that i’d feel like my efforts aren’t wasteful.

supaye boleh fikir klau2 aku perlu tukar strategy.

 

bile kje kumpulan aku nk org dgar jgk pndapat aku (walaupn tk entirely accept it).

bile editing aku nk at least have a part in the final decisions.

bile group assignment aku tk suke org adjust things without my consent.

i want to know that everything that has my name on it has my “hand” on it.

has my thoughts and “agreement”.

 

so perhaps now i realized that sometimes when i get tired i might cry

 

but i’m supposed to be tougher than this

 

it’s just tht maybe i don’t know how to deal with physical and emotional pain tht occurs at the same time

 

normal people would probably spend some money or spend some time.

 

but i can’t allow myself that.

 

there are things to think about.

 

so once again

where is everyone?

 

ramadhan jgn pergi

mcm org2 yg dh pergi sblm ni

sometimes i think i kinda know that they’d eventually leave

it’s almost like the common endings of the stories that people just read (even when they don’t really want to)

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WHATEVER THAT MEANS

Published August 24, 2011 by crystalights

this subject would probably be a great subject, IF it’s the ONLY subject that i’m taking this semester.

but it’s NOT.

it’s NOT the only thing that i have a commitment to, in this semester.

and it isn’t only ME, evryone else is pretty much the same-

we all have OTHER commitments or things that we have to do or attend to.

so isn’t it wiser to think

if it would mean anything if loads of work is submitted for assessment but their quality is jeopardized due to the constraints of TIME+ENERGY+OTHER COMMITMENTS?

i don’t want to complain

give me the tasks, show me the ropes, give me the time, and i’ll try to deliver it as you wish it to be

but if i could not attend your class because i have to attend another class’ crucial activity which constitutes like 35% of that other subjects’ marks

then why couldn’t i be allowed to do my assessments in groups like the ones who could attend?

it’s not like i HAVE A CHOICE to attend both subjects AT THE SAME TIME

it’s not like i WANT to intentionally MISS OUT on YOUR CLASS

it’s not like i’m SNEAKING OFF to attend another subject WITHOUT INFORMING you beforehand.

if you’re talking about time, you DON’T KNOW mine, you don’t know whether or not i can FIND TIME to do it

so why won’t you let me do it the way evrybody else who’s attending is doing it?

why would you make me do a group assignment INDIVIDUALLY?

if you’re saying i couldn’t find the time to do it in groups do you think i would have MORE time to do it INDIVIDUALLY?

do you think that this is like a punishment for me or something?

because seriously, i’ve taken the cane back when i was 15

and even that doesn’t really affect me like this one did.

it’s not the fact that i have to do an assignment on my own,

it’s the fact that i have to do an assignment on my own WITHOUT A RELEVANT REASON.

i feel very disturbed because it feels kinda “absurd”

anyway,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

I’LL PROBABLY REMEMBER YOU THE MOST IN THE FUTURE LOOKING BACK

WHEN I STAND AMONGST AN AUDIENCE JUST THINKING ABOUT THE ROCKS AND STONES THAT LITTERED THE PATH OF MY BATTLE

YOUR FACE WOULD PROBABLY BE THERE LIKE THE WAY IT DOES WHEN YOUR FACE CHANGES AT MY QUESTIONS

sekian.

what happened was

Published August 15, 2011 by crystalights

1. it’s winter.

a season of heaters.

and then the electric bill kinda went ballistic. it’s $951.29 for july. we had to split it to 5 and pay. and i feel like it’s my fault because bfore i came, the house bill was never like this. the monthly payment was supposed to include the bills but now that this bill went up that high, we had to pay the bill on top of the current monthly payment. i feel like it’s my fault because i can’t really handle the cold.

2. so now i have to figure out how to cut back on the heater and endure it.

3. i’m on my own now.

in this empty house.

my (ex) housemate moved out this morning. the rest haven’t returned from their homeland yet (probably until aftr mid september), and another one of my (ex) housemate has finished her studies, graduated last saturday, and returned home early this week. i think i’m really on my own now.

4. i figured that one way to get things off my mind is to make myself busy with whatever i can get my head on. at least it’s probably better to be too busy to realize that you’re on your own.

6. i hurt my back while baking in the kitchen. and as usual i’m  not sure if it’s okay to use my OSHC insurance because of my current status.

7. i don’t really know how to really go through this semester without breaking (apart).

goodnight.

24 hrs

Published August 13, 2011 by crystalights

 

dlm masa 24jam,

brape byk yg dpt membawa aku ke sana?

 

astaghfirullahalazim.

 

hari ni graduation day kawan aku.

 

alhamdulillah, akhirnya dia selamat melengkapkan pengajian dia.

 

aku rase, aku tak boleh pergi event2 yg mcm ni di kalangan kawan2, tanpa fikir apa2 atau rasa apa2 dlm hati.

 

i was thinking about some things.

 

it was more like what i feel about things.

 

aku tak nak merungut.

 

tapi minggu ni byk perkara yg berlaku, dan akan berlaku.

 

aku rasa diri sgt kekurangan sbb masih lg in the process of figuring out mcmane nak cope.

 

hari ni aku sedih.

 

hari ni dan dlm 24 jam yg lalu, aku rase aku diperingatkan tentang byk perkara.

 

hari ni aku mule sedar yg aku tak pandai kawal perkara yg walau sekecil2 hal dlm diri aku sendiri pun.

 

hari ni aku terfikir,

ada ke tempat utk org mcm aku kat sana nanti?

 

spjg minggu ni, byk benda yg aku buat tak sempurna.

 

spjg bulan ni dan bulan2 sebelumnya, lg byk yg tak sempurna.

 

aku ni, hidup mcm ni je ke?

 

penuh dgn ketidaksempurnaan.

bersungguh tapi tak berkesan.

berusaha tapi tak bersemangat.

 

aku rasa kecewa sgt dgn diri aku sendiri

org mcm aku ni tak layak nak minta kebahagiaan, kan.

 

aku nak yg baik tapi aku tak beri yg terbaik

 

aku rasa dosa aku mcm debu2 hitam di permukaan jalanan

sentiasa ada mengiringi jln hidup aku

 

mungkin kdg2 memang patut pun aku rasa keperitan

sbb kebahagiaan membawa aku jauh dari-Nya

 

aku takut lama2 tempat yg aku cari tu akhirnya akan hilang

disebabkan kesilapan aku sndiri yg ditinggalkan waktu.

 

semoga tuhan tak ambil dari aku apa yg dia anugerahkan utk aku mencari tempat disisi-Nya,

Amiin.

 

La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minazzolimin. faghfirli fa innahu la yaghfiru zunuba illa anta.

 

dear nana (12.8.2011)

Published August 12, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

 

i think i’m still trying to feel like i’m wingin’ it.

anyway,

astaghfirullahalazim.

kenape aku ni byk sgt fikir psl benda2 tak baik yg mungkin akan berlaku. asyik berburuk sangke je. just because i have heard of something bad in the past doesn’t mean that it can happen in the future. setiap orang mesti ada at least sikit kebaikan dlm diri dia kan. tak fair kalau aku nak label semua org yg berciri sama tu sbg bersifat sama. maybe they’re just similar, but not the same.

kdg2 aku rase i can’t help it. it’s like my own way of being on guard.

anyway.

i hope the parcels will arrive safely.

kalau dh smpai bgtahu aku, and also inform me what contents you received (so that i can be assured that nothing’s missing), insyaAllah.

mudah2an sampai dgn selamat, Amiin.

 

anyway.

today is my second day tak berpuase.

aku tak sangke aku dtg bulan dlm bulan ni. ingatkan bulan tu dtg bulan depan ke bulan2 lain ke. (mcm the previous ramadhan).

tapi takpela. terime je la.

after 10 days puase, aku pn dtg bulan.

patut la rase mcm bengang2 and emo je.

lagi2 bile interact with people dlm groupwork.

lagi2 bile people dlm groupwork for presentation tu ader lelaki ajnabi yg look at you in a certain way when you’re talking, almost as if you’re not what you believe you are,

lagi2 bile dlm aktiviti kuliah ader lelaki ajnabi yg look at you in a very unsettling manner when you responded to his points dlm kumpulan,

lagi2 bile dalam tutorial group pulak ader lelaki ajnabi yg look at you almost as if he’s scrutinizing what you’re made of when you talk,

i was like: *menyirapnyer darahku* (inside).

lagi2 bile ada subject yg related to planning and architecture punyer bahagian. yg didominasi oleh kaum adam. bukan aku nak anti-lelaki ke aper, tapi aku rase i don’t have to be an architecture OR urban planning MALE scholar for me to speak or write in a “sustainability” discussion, kan. 

issues of sustainability is part of the “environmental” discipline. it is part of what i’m studying. so even if i probably look at it in a way different than urban planners and architects or design students look at it, i still think that we’re not that much far apart in terms of what we’re heading for.

tapi tk tahu la, mgkin ni cume perasaan aku yg didorong oleh emosi dan sikit2 PMS je kot.

i hope it’s just me (but then again, do i?)

i don’t know.

 

anyway,

goodnite (aku nk smbung buat assignment).

 

regards,

-me-

(12.8.2011)

 

 

this is the real world.

Published August 8, 2011 by crystalights

 

in the real world, people don’t usually consider your needs.

generally speaking, they don’t wait for you to agree,

they don’t consider your understanding,

they don’t mind losing whatever little loss it means if they don’t have your commitment,

they don’t really care.

 

in the real world, people love their pride.

generally, they like knowing that they are capable of something even if it means someone else is gonna look almost incapable,

they like making clear that they know what they really know especially if they think that they are among the few who knows,

they love their pride enough to think that what they think make sense at least at one puny little point or another,

they want to think in the way that they think is substantial.

 

i think that there is nothing substantial in something that is solely what we think.

for something to be substantial, it isn’t merely one person’s spew of words with nothing else to substantiate it.

isn’t that like a revolutionized self-assurance?

 

berbalik pada asal usul,

Rasulullah pun tak berbuat sesuka pendapat sendiri.

 

seriously,

aku rase mcm stress.

sbb aku tak suka keputusan yg “instant”.

mcm mi segera.

instantly made.

instantly nice-looking (in the beginning).

pas tu, instantly soggy.

lembik. rapuh.

tak cukup substance.

 

aku tak suka benda yg hancai.

 

aku tak suka dialog2 mcm “..it’s not like they’re gonna assess us anyway..” pas tu nk sruh org tulis benda yg mcm tak make sense because “..it’s not like they’re gonna check/give marks or anything..”

 

aku tak suka bila org mcm tak really show interest of listening to what i’m talking about in a group discussion because you’re too preoccupied with talking about whatever and then when you’re not too busy talking you still don’t really listen. is it because you’re too fly for my point of views? but you listen to someone else’ point of view or ask them the same thing that i asked you. is it because you wanna know what that someone thinks? is it because you don’t think of me the same way as you think of that person?

 

aku tak suka “..let’s discuss by email..” (padahal dh discuss mase meeting), pas tu nk pakai email utk change the decision and cerita 1 session of presentation based on 3 different readings; wei, baik tulis essay je wei

 

bile kene work based on different readings, aku bukan harap nak discuss readings tu dlm email pun. readings tu masing2 pndai2 sndiri la. yg aku nak is what we want to come up with based on the readings. bukannyer readings tu cerita psl aper.

yg tak best nyer aku pun ulas la jgk skit, ye la tk nak la ada assumption as if aku tak baca readings tu pulak.

 

aku stress sebab aku rase mcm aku sorang je stress dlm kelas2 ni sume.

kenape aku tak bleh chill je.

oh right. i have like an entire world to think about other than myself. can i ever afford to just chill and relax je? isn’t that a luxury? i didn’t come here for free.

sometimes happiness is expensive.

so you just live with whatever cheapness you can afford.

 

aku just risau dgn keadaan diri aku yg sibuk dgn hal2 mcm ni

 

masa aku utk ramadhan pun mcm terjejas.

 

aku tak nak la complain, tapi kdg2 rase cam bengang pulak sbb tak bleh nak control what i feel.

 

mcm tadi.