ke mana

Published August 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku rse sesak.

ramadhan dh nk hbis.

aku blom bsedia nk ditinggalkn ramadhan walaupn dh byk dh yg tinggalkn aku

kdg2 aku rasa aper yg aku cuba buat sntiasa tak memadai

sntiasa tak sempurna.

aku tk nk fikir sgt psl aidilfitri

tapi itu kn sunnah rasulullah. mane boleh aku buat tk tahu je mcm yg aku plan sblm ni.

mane family aku?

smpai ke tidak surat2 aku?

 

aku stress dgn subject elective aku yg agak menekan

aku tak takut. aku jst mcm bengang. pas tu frust. pas tu mcm upset. sbb aku dh biase jumpe logic dan pengertian sblm terima penyelesaian so bile tibe2 ada smthng yg aku rse tak betul then susah la.

 

dlm tgh kesibukan tu,

hri ni aku msuk ptandingn syrahan.

tpi tak menang.

pas tu aku tak tahu nape aku cam “disenchanted” kot.

sbb aku tak biase kalah kot. maybe susah nk terime kekalahan mcm a normal human being. mule la fikir psl kekurangan2 yg ada.

aku suke menang. untung. berjaye. teratas.

aku tak suke kalah. rugi. gagal. di bawah.

 

bile masuk uni, aku suke compare pncapaian with people supaye dpt redakn hati sndiri and feel better.

bukan sbb aku nk berbangga diri or merendahkan org, tpi just ckup utk aku tahu whether or not i’m on the right track. so that i’d feel like my efforts aren’t wasteful.

supaye boleh fikir klau2 aku perlu tukar strategy.

 

bile kje kumpulan aku nk org dgar jgk pndapat aku (walaupn tk entirely accept it).

bile editing aku nk at least have a part in the final decisions.

bile group assignment aku tk suke org adjust things without my consent.

i want to know that everything that has my name on it has my “hand” on it.

has my thoughts and “agreement”.

 

so perhaps now i realized that sometimes when i get tired i might cry

 

but i’m supposed to be tougher than this

 

it’s just tht maybe i don’t know how to deal with physical and emotional pain tht occurs at the same time

 

normal people would probably spend some money or spend some time.

 

but i can’t allow myself that.

 

there are things to think about.

 

so once again

where is everyone?

 

ramadhan jgn pergi

mcm org2 yg dh pergi sblm ni

sometimes i think i kinda know that they’d eventually leave

it’s almost like the common endings of the stories that people just read (even when they don’t really want to)

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