aku. dlm hati ini.

Published September 10, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku bukan sempurna

tapi aku bukan pretending

 

aku bukan sengaja melebihkan rasa hati aku

aku dah pernah mncuba

 

aku tk slalu berupaya duduk di dalam lingkungan lengkungan normal

bila2 masa aku terkeluar dari garisan, bukan bermaksud aku tak berpendirian

 

susah la bila kedudukan aku dinilai dgn jauhnya aku dari garisan tu

dan susahla bila diri aku dinilai dgn satu sudut fikiran yg jugak satu bntuk pandangan “manusia”, manusia mcm aku walau tak serupa dgn aku

 

lebih susah bila pnjelasan aku dianggap sekadar habitual things driven by a stubborn need to be the rightful one

 

lama2 ada jurang

 

which probably grew with time

 

bukan aku tak berusaha, tapi dah smpai situ aku tak tahu lg nk ke mana

 

kita sama2 boleh apologize, tapi mgkin aku la yg nampak mcm bersalah

sbb tak buat benda yg boleh diterima oleh pemahaman seseorg seperti itu

 

walaupn pd hakikatnya, nilai dan timbangan setiap org tak mgkin identically sama

 

aku boleh je terima perbezaan tu, dan rsenyer aku tk pakse pn org lain utk hidup dgn cara aku

 

so kenapa aku rse mcm tak diberi that “benefit of the doubt”, eh?

 

kenapa, tak boleh ke kalau fikir: “itu PENDAPAT DIA tentang CARA HIDUP DIA yg DIA INGIN JALANI”

 

last2,

bawak haluan masing2.

 

mcm biase la aku

m’mang slalu ditinggalkn pn.

 

itulah lengkungan normal utk org mcm aku kot.

 

ntahla.

 

aku maafkan, semua.

 

aku rasa dia pn dh maafkan semua.

 

cuma aku rase aku tak pasti dari sudut pandangan itu, masalah mcm ni telah selesai atau mgkin punyai kebarangkalian utk berlaku lagi bila2 masa in the future

 

stiap kali kita bertemu sesama kita atau sesama org lain yg kita kenali

 

atau stiap kali kita breathe the same air

 

would it be a calm, normal air that is not influenced by emotional baggage?

 

i’m not so sure about that

 

aku perempuan. aku tahu tahap emosi aku dan kmungkinan tahap emosi perempuan2 lain

 

boleh ke kita bersatu hati

 

atau sekurang2nya berlapang dada di masa akan dtg?

 

aku tak pasti.

 

yg pastinya aku terkejut sbnrnye

 

bile kita say goodbye dlm tram tu as if it’s the last time

sedangkan aku hampir pasti it isn’t.

it wasn’t supposed to be the last time

but i felt that it wasn’t jst a normal parting

it was like a forever farewell

where you don’t think you’ll do anything within your power to purposely cross paths with that person you’re saying goodbye to in the near or distant future

it was like a final verdict

it was almost like a resignation.

 

throughout (and after) this ordeal

i felt almost like

something was convicted against me

and that no matter how hard i try it wouldn’t really matter to people as much if they’ve chosen what they chose before and above everything that’s said and done

 

i got hurt (again) by the people close to me

 

i can’t really be careful enough to save myself another heartache, can i?

 

the worst part is trying to not show the hurt because you don’t want to put pressure on anyone

 

because you’re an adult

 

because you’re the tough girl. the one whom people see as the hard-headed, big personality, high ego, alpha female girl.

 

the one who is really still a girl. at heart. thinking “if only people could see that.”

 

but whatever.

 

it’s not like i can fix this.

 

it’s been months.

 

look at where i am now.

 

alone in an empty house.

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