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All posts for the month October, 2011

writing words again

Published October 9, 2011 by crystalights

 

spring is in the air

if you look closely, you can see the tiny white flowers budding and blooming on the branches of the tree.

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all right then,

i think i wanna tell a story.

 

ever since i was young, i’ve always felt like i’m being pushed into new things and then was just expected to adapt.

like when i was pushed to change schools, change the place that i live, was put in strange/awkward situations where i’m the only one expected to do something, expected to deliver something, perform something, be all familiar with some strangers i’ve never even met before just because i was expected to do so, attend some things and some people, just whatever it is that i wouldn’t have even thought of doing out of my free will, i somehow kinda had to do. and i did.

so after a long while and a long array of mistakes, i guess i kinda got that in my system: the directives of adapting. to people. things. environment.

 

sometimes i noticed that i’m not really the same person when i’m with different people.

it’s not that i’m lying to myself or the people around me,

it’s jst that this was how i adapt to people,

adapt to their needs or tendencies. (like how i was unconsciously programmed to do since young).

 

but i’m still me

(i think).

 

and so

sometimes i get frustrated too. or confused.

or jst plain annoyed.

but whatever.

there are bigger things to work hard for

so i guess i’ll jst try and adapt again, for the umpteenth time in my life.

 

so.

i heard that a distant relative is interested in coming over.

 

should i be worried? considering i kinda know what she’s looking for?

 

hmm.

what can i say.

 

i don’t have the heart to actually exert my disagreement over a lot of things since i was young. i talk, i speak, but i don’t really push people’s needs and/or decisions away with words. i realized that i kinda only started doing so more strongly ever since after my 1st degree.

it wasn’t like a teenage rebellion, it was more like an adult assurance

knowing that i am already an adult and not some preteen just dying to gamble her entire world in adolescence.

 

anyway.

this thing could be happening sooner than i thought.

and while i am enjoying plunging headfirst into my assignments and tasks

i can’t help that uneasy feeling sinking in when i think of what will happen when it happens.

 

i think

i might need to run and hide.

everyone isn’t one

Published October 5, 2011 by crystalights

so things might be getting a little more hectic.

it’s october. a few mnths before the end of smester.

i’m studying full time.

this is normal.

the time that i have is generally prioritized for my studies and also for other equally (and perhaps even more) important  matters.

i have things that i have to deliver, things that i have to be responsible for.

so.

i don’t feel absolutely fantastic when i actually care enough to explain what i’m going through but i am criticized anyway, for the things that i do and the choices that i make (even when they are independent choices that are not affecting anybody else),

when people have absolute ideals that they want others to follow or justify for not following,

when people do or decide on things that involve me without consulting me first,

i don’t think this is an act of insensitivity, i think it looks like an act of conceitedness.

like being certain that people would want what you want and choose what you choose and live how you live

i don’t hate these people

i just don’t like their actions

i don’t like my actions either, but at least i try to tolerate or prevent myself from showing what i truly think and feel because someone’s got to rise above this so i take it upon myself to do so

because it doesn’t matter if you don’t get the kind of acknowledgement or attention from some people as long as you know you’re jst trying to do or achieve the right thing in the most less-destructive, rightful way

then isn’t that enough?

isn’t it enough that i take it upon myself to live through my pain and the weight of this journey upon me without leaning towards anybody so that i don’t become another boulder in another souls’ life journey?

isn’t it enough that i don’t ask from you what you don’t want to give?

what more do i have to do?

do i have to prioritize what you prioritize just to make it look like it’s the right choice, because you’re choosing it too?

this world doesn’t entirely exist in absolute ideals.

we can try if we want to,

but to force our own personal ideals to others just because we ourselves, from our petty little hearts think it’s the ultimate worldview

what is the meaning of that afterall?

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aku rase tak ptut aku rase mcm ni

tapi

aku rse sgt marah sbnrnye.

pas tu rase hampa yg berpnjangan.

rase nk pergi bersendiri.

tapi aku tahu aku tak boleh ikutkan hati sgt.

aku tahu aku tak boleh ikutkn prasaan and withdraw from everyone/everything.

ada byk isi hati yg aku simpankan, sbb aku rase aper yg paling jelas aku dh smpaikn pn tak beri kesan yg aku hrpkan, inikan pulak yg dalam2 yg lagi susah nk diperkatakan.

i thought what i said was worth something, that someone could at least take a step back and think

just think: kenape dier buat pilihan mcm tu.

ni kali yg keberape ntah smthng like ths happens to me

aku dh malas nk hitung kira

i have things that i’m carrying above my shoulder

kau tahu ke aper yg aku rase?

kau faham ke aper yg aku go through?

i don’t wanna complain.

i’ll take this as it is.

it’s just that for now, aku rase sgt bengang.

aku rse sgt perit hati.

so  jst

find your space and pergi jauh2 skit

sbb aku tak tahu aku mampu bertahan atau tak

.

klau boleh aku nk bgtau je

dlm hidup ni bukan smestinya semua bnda msti berjalan dan terlaksana spertimana yg kita fikirkan sbg yg “ideal”

bukan semuanya yg tak memenuhi ciri “ideal” itu ternyata salah, cacat atau hina

sbb tu it’s important for people to learn to live and tolerate others

so

sile la terima kenyataan spertimana aku dh pn menerima kenyataan

sbb aku tk tahu klau ader org lg yg bleh tolerate semua tu

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