so things might be getting a little more hectic.
it’s october. a few mnths before the end of smester.
i’m studying full time.
this is normal.
the time that i have is generally prioritized for my studies and also for other equally (and perhaps even more) important matters.
i have things that i have to deliver, things that i have to be responsible for.
i don’t feel absolutely fantastic when i actually care enough to explain what i’m going through but i am criticized anyway, for the things that i do and the choices that i make (even when they are independent choices that are not affecting anybody else),
when people have absolute ideals that they want others to follow or justify for not following,
when people do or decide on things that involve me without consulting me first,
i don’t think this is an act of insensitivity, i think it looks like an act of conceitedness.
like being certain that people would want what you want and choose what you choose and live how you live
i don’t hate these people
i just don’t like their actions
i don’t like my actions either, but at least i try to tolerate or prevent myself from showing what i truly think and feel because someone’s got to rise above this so i take it upon myself to do so
because it doesn’t matter if you don’t get the kind of acknowledgement or attention from some people as long as you know you’re jst trying to do or achieve the right thing in the most less-destructive, rightful way
then isn’t that enough?
isn’t it enough that i take it upon myself to live through my pain and the weight of this journey upon me without leaning towards anybody so that i don’t become another boulder in another souls’ life journey?
isn’t it enough that i don’t ask from you what you don’t want to give?
what more do i have to do?
do i have to prioritize what you prioritize just to make it look like it’s the right choice, because you’re choosing it too?
this world doesn’t entirely exist in absolute ideals.
we can try if we want to,
but to force our own personal ideals to others just because we ourselves, from our petty little hearts think it’s the ultimate worldview
what is the meaning of that afterall?
aku rase tak ptut aku rase mcm ni
aku rse sgt marah sbnrnye.
pas tu rase hampa yg berpnjangan.
rase nk pergi bersendiri.
tapi aku tahu aku tak boleh ikutkan hati sgt.
aku tahu aku tak boleh ikutkn prasaan and withdraw from everyone/everything.
ada byk isi hati yg aku simpankan, sbb aku rase aper yg paling jelas aku dh smpaikn pn tak beri kesan yg aku hrpkan, inikan pulak yg dalam2 yg lagi susah nk diperkatakan.
i thought what i said was worth something, that someone could at least take a step back and think
just think: kenape dier buat pilihan mcm tu.
ni kali yg keberape ntah smthng like ths happens to me
aku dh malas nk hitung kira
i have things that i’m carrying above my shoulder
kau tahu ke aper yg aku rase?
kau faham ke aper yg aku go through?
i don’t wanna complain.
i’ll take this as it is.
it’s just that for now, aku rase sgt bengang.
aku rse sgt perit hati.
find your space and pergi jauh2 skit
sbb aku tak tahu aku mampu bertahan atau tak
klau boleh aku nk bgtau je
dlm hidup ni bukan smestinya semua bnda msti berjalan dan terlaksana spertimana yg kita fikirkan sbg yg “ideal”
bukan semuanya yg tak memenuhi ciri “ideal” itu ternyata salah, cacat atau hina
sbb tu it’s important for people to learn to live and tolerate others
sile la terima kenyataan spertimana aku dh pn menerima kenyataan
sbb aku tk tahu klau ader org lg yg bleh tolerate semua tu