writing words again

Published October 9, 2011 by crystalights

 

spring is in the air

if you look closely, you can see the tiny white flowers budding and blooming on the branches of the tree.

.

all right then,

i think i wanna tell a story.

 

ever since i was young, i’ve always felt like i’m being pushed into new things and then was just expected to adapt.

like when i was pushed to change schools, change the place that i live, was put in strange/awkward situations where i’m the only one expected to do something, expected to deliver something, perform something, be all familiar with some strangers i’ve never even met before just because i was expected to do so, attend some things and some people, just whatever it is that i wouldn’t have even thought of doing out of my free will, i somehow kinda had to do. and i did.

so after a long while and a long array of mistakes, i guess i kinda got that in my system: the directives of adapting. to people. things. environment.

 

sometimes i noticed that i’m not really the same person when i’m with different people.

it’s not that i’m lying to myself or the people around me,

it’s jst that this was how i adapt to people,

adapt to their needs or tendencies. (like how i was unconsciously programmed to do since young).

 

but i’m still me

(i think).

 

and so

sometimes i get frustrated too. or confused.

or jst plain annoyed.

but whatever.

there are bigger things to work hard for

so i guess i’ll jst try and adapt again, for the umpteenth time in my life.

 

so.

i heard that a distant relative is interested in coming over.

 

should i be worried? considering i kinda know what she’s looking for?

 

hmm.

what can i say.

 

i don’t have the heart to actually exert my disagreement over a lot of things since i was young. i talk, i speak, but i don’t really push people’s needs and/or decisions away with words. i realized that i kinda only started doing so more strongly ever since after my 1st degree.

it wasn’t like a teenage rebellion, it was more like an adult assurance

knowing that i am already an adult and not some preteen just dying to gamble her entire world in adolescence.

 

anyway.

this thing could be happening sooner than i thought.

and while i am enjoying plunging headfirst into my assignments and tasks

i can’t help that uneasy feeling sinking in when i think of what will happen when it happens.

 

i think

i might need to run and hide.

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