Archives

All posts for the month November, 2011

favours

Published November 28, 2011 by crystalights

 

bile kiter buat sesuatu kerana Allah,

kiter bukannyer buat satu “favour” untuk kegunaan Allah.

hakikatnya, Allah yg bagi satu  “favour” untuk kegunaan kita,

(or sometimes even more).

 

our ibadah and/or good deeds are not a “favour” to Allah,

in fact it is Allah’s “favour” and “mercy” to us that we have the opportunity to do ibadah and/or good deeds.

 

ape yg aku buat, bukannyer satu privilege yg aku kurniakan kpd Allah,

tapi Allah yg kurniakan kpd hamba2-Nya sperti yg Dia dh tentukan.

 

kesihatan, tenaga, usia, smuanya dtg dari Dia,

jadi klau Dia nak ambik balik, itu hak Dia.

klau Dia tentukan sesuatu smpai aku tak dpt rase lg ape yg aku pernah rase,

then itu hak Dia, terpulanglah pd Dia.

at least Dia dh pnah bagi aku rase selame b’tahun2,

skrg klau Dia nak ambik balik,

ape yg aku boleh buat?

redha & bersyukur sbb pnah m’nikmatinya, atau nak marah2 dan mengamuk sbb rase aku memang DESERVE the BEST?

aku rase, kt sni bru boleh ckp:

“it was good while it lasted”

(mcm dlm petikan yg ntah dr mane yg mcm famous tuh).

 

memangla kdg2 bukan senang aku nk sabar, and redha

kdg2 nak bersyukur pun aku terlupe.

 

tapi bile aku rase mcm nak marah sbb aku lose something or kene bagi2 something yg aku nak or yg aku ada with me,

sometimes aku fikir: aku nak syg harta aku tu lebih dari aku syg tuhan ke?

 

org2 yg berhijrah dgn tulus di jln-Nya,

dorg pun tinggalkan byk benda, bukan stakat harta dan rumah, malah ader yg tinggalkan org2 yg dikasihi,

tinggalkan keselesaan hidup,

tinggalkan kesenangan dan sense of familiarity.

 

imagine having something for as long as you can remember and cherishing it,

but leaving it all behind utk berhijrah kerana-Nya.

utk org2 ni, nilai cinta pd Allah dan Rasul itu melebihi cinta kpd harta dan keselesaan hidup.

 

so.

aku nak marah apebenda nyer?

aku dh buat mcm2 benda yg tk btul pun, yg salah sane sini pun, tapi tuhan bagi lagi mcm2 nikmat.

padahal klau nak ikut tahap, aku rase aku duduk kat bawah2 skali.

 

sbb dlm masjid pun bile aku nak pergi solat lepas wudhu’, aku masih sibuk nak pergi ambik beg aku dulu sbb aku takut harta benda aku hilang.

padahal dh berkumandang azan, maksudnya dh berlaungan panggilan utk org Islam (mcm aku) pergi solat.

tapi aku boleh pusing balik (pergi tempat yg dh tentu2 tmpat group prempuan yg aku kuliah same2 tu) utk ambik beg dulu.

pas tu masuk tinggal brape minit je la nak start jemaah.

k’sudahannyer: tak sembahyang sunat (pun).

 

itu kat masjid.

bygkanla, dh smpai masjid pun buat perangai sibukkan harta benda lg.

mcmane aku nak become better bile sayang aku tak bertempat?

(malah kdg2 berlebih2an t’hdp bnda lain)

 

post ni bukan stakat utk bercerite, tapi jugak utk tazkirah diri aku sendiri sbb dlm diri aku masih byk yg aku tak cukupkan, yg aku belum smpurnakan.

 

mudah2an tuhan tolong la kita semua utk dpt keredhaan-Nya,

Amiin~

 

 

tentang ilmu

Published November 27, 2011 by crystalights

ape yg aku nk tulis dlm post ni, bukan utk org lain semata, tapi jgk utk peringatan bg diri aku sndiri. bukan berniat menyalahkan sesiape, tapi sbg peringatan utk aku yg akan meniti hari2 sblm tibanya hari yg dijanjikan tu.

 

okayla.

 

ni klau rse mcm tak best, then ambik yg baik2 je la, ye.

yg buruk2 tu tak pyh la disimpan.

 

so

dlm byk2 benda yg aku feel affected with, they include: ilmu pengetahuan.

 

bile ckp tentang menuntut/menimba/mendapatkan ilmu pengetahuan, rsenye tak lari jauh dari soal “menyerap” ilmu pengetahuan tu.

 

bile kite prgi belajar, it is not jst a matter of pergi klas, tulis2, pas 2 balik.

bukannye duduk dlm kelas, mndengar, menulis, buat assgnmnt, yg mnentukan atau mnjamin ilmu tu dpt di absorb.

ilmu tu kita dpt absorb dgn izin-Nya.

klau tuhan bagi kita hati yg terang, pancaindera yg jelas, fikiran dan nurani yg khusyu’ dan tenang, semua tu adalah nikmat.

kdg2 kite boleh dgar b’ulang2 tapi satu pn tk lekat dlm hati & fkiran, sdgkn ada msenye kite dgar spintas lalu je tpi kite boleh recall balik ape yg diberitahukn kpd kita.

itu la sbhgn nikmat yg tuhan beri.

 

jadi,

objective pergi belajar bukan smestinye tercapai dgn s’kadar kita dtg kelas dan duduk 1 or 2 sessions.

bukan smestinya tercapai dgn spending hours on assgnmnts.

it is more than that.

mksud aku, it is not only dtg class, not only buat assgnment, tpi hati dan fikiran pun berusaha utk mendapatkan ilmu dan jiwa pun berusaha utk berharap pd Dia.

berharap Dia izinkan kita dpt ilmu,

berharap Dia beri peluang jalani satu ibadah (mnuntut ilmu) yg diterima oleh-Nya,

berharap niat kita waktu belajar tu betul, tak terpesong atau dipesongkan,

berharap klau bukan  ilmu pengetahuan yg direct pn, skurang2nya ada pengajaran (lain) yg kita boleh dpt,

dan jugak berharap bahawa usaha kita tak sia2.

 

ini cerita beyond dtg kelas dan duduk dan mendengar dan buat kerja.

mksudnye, bukan stakat dtg dan duduk dan dengar dan buat keje je.

 

klau tak dtg, tak duduk dan tak dengar, lagi la aku tak tahu camane nk describe.

(okay, aku mengaku, aku pnah jugak sblm2 ni guilty of all these things that i’m saying, and tht i’m about to say. especially mase aku buat undergrad aku dulu).

but the point(s) are that,

klau tak dtg, tpi ader jgk duduk dan dgar (maybe frm othr altrnatives), aku rase boleh lg ader harapan nk dpt somethng.

klau tak dtg, tak duduk, tapi dgar (maybe frm othr reliable sources), aku rase still msih ader hrpn lg utk dpt sesuatu.

tpi klau tak dtg, tak duduk, dan tak (nak) dgar, then aku tk tahu harapan kt mane lg s’lain yg tuhan izinkan utk diberi.

 

sbb mnuntut ilmu tu m’mang la require effort.

bukan mcm mi segera, tuang air panas tutup skjap, then bleh makan.

 

of course la tak smudah tu.

 

nk dpt ilmu tu ader la cabaran2 nye, usaha nye, jln cerita nye or something.

jln mndptkn ilmu tu bukan slalu smooth and safe.

smtimes ader things yg kne sacrifice.

smtimes ader things yg somehow you lose in order to gain the ilmu tht you’re striving for.

 

so jgn la respond cam haper bile tgok some people know this and that

you might’ve already know that in order for you to know this and that, there are things that you have to do

 

it is not a miracle that people know things

it is a blessing from Allah and among those who make the effort, Allah knows.

 

Allah akan bagi pd siapa Dia kehendaki

sbg hamba2-Nya yg tak seberape mcm kiter ni,

kiter tak tahu pun Allah nk bagi pd siape;

jd ape yg kiter boleh buat is just berusaha & meminta pd Dia.

 

dlm hal ni, bile aku sedar aku kurang tahu psl something,

or kurang arif psl something,

i think it’s easier for me to think: “ni memang kekurangan aku, aku sndiri punyer pasal sbb tk ckup study,than to think that: “kenape aku tak dpt ilmu tu? i DESERVE to know more than her, etc.”

 

sbbnye, aku rse aku tak “deserve” aper2 pn.

 

aku bukannye ader aper2 yg dtg dari diri aku sndiri, kan? semuanya yg aku ada dtg dari Dia.

klau aku tk pergi study, tak make the effort, tak nak blajar, tak nak dgar, aku rase lg laa betape takde aper2 nyer aku ni.

betape tak bermanfaatnyer hidup aku ni stelah tuhan beri nikmat dan manfaat-Nya kpd aku.

 

so, klau aku dh ambik/terima/gune at least 1 nikmat pn dari tuhan,

mknenyer ader la yg aku perlu buat kerana-Nya.

Allah dh bgtahu Dia jadikan kita bukan utk main2.

Dia dh bagi kita nyawa, pancaindera & kudrat.

Malaysia atau Melbourne, kita tetap ader “kerja” utk dilakukan.

 

in the end i believe tht people make choices.

if you want it, do you think it would just come running to you without you doing anything much?

do you think this is like a fairytale,

that if you leave your shoe then someone would come and find you and sarungkan your shoe for you and then marry you and then you  live in the palace happily ever after?

 

so,

what can i say?

 

sometimes aku terfikir mcm2 bnda smpai ke tahap yg bukan isu aku, sbb aku sgt rase sesuatu bile aku nmpak sesuatu yg meng “frust” kan perasaan.

 

klau stiap kali aku perlu ditatang dibelai dijemput dgn pnuh cinta kasih semata2 utk dtg satu benda yg bukan stakat benefitnye utk diri aku sndiri jgk, malah benda tu adalah sbhgn dari tuntutan Risalah kita dari-Nya, then aku rase: bersalahnya diri aku. kerana usaha aku bersyarat. sdgkan nikmat dari-Nya kpd aku takde syarat dan tidak bertepi.

 

kt sini, bukan aku nak tonjolkan kesalahan sesiape.

 

ok, so mgkn jgk aku yg tak faham. maybe aku yg tak ckup berhikmah. maybe aku yg tak ckup bersabar.

tapi, utk setiap ketidakcukupan dari pihak aku, cukup ke utk menjadi penyebab for something like this?

klau ckup, then aku rse ckuplah aku mencuba. sbb ada msenye aku jadi takut klau percubaan aku tu yg buatkan ketidakcukupan aku mencukupkan penyebab perkara ni.

mksudnye. aku takut klau semua tak berhasil kerana masalah dtg dari percubaan aku.

aku tkut aku yg jadi penyebab sume ni, na’uzubillah.

 

aku rase, biarla aku undur diri.

 

sape tahu, mgkn di mase akn dtg ade lg org lain yg rela tolong tatang, belai dan jemput dgn pnuh cinta kasih utk kepentingan sesama insan (mcm keadaan ni).

 

but seriously.

 

smpai bile kite snggup nk duduk m’nunggu seseorg dtg dan sarungkan kasut kaca dikaki utk tunaikan impian indah yg mgkin kite sangkekan milik kita tu?

 

sedangkan masa dan usia tak menunggu kita, 

dan kenyataan hidup tak pernah m’ninggalkan kita.

 

kita takkan bernyawa selamanya.

itulah hakikat fitrah manusia.

sama ada kita terima atau tidak, ia tetap akan berlaku.

ini cerita.

Published November 27, 2011 by crystalights

okayla.

aku rse ckup la the prvious few posts mcm byk rants and emo word vomit.

skrg aku rse aku nk write about some things that i’m thinking about.

 

1: “way of life”.

aku rase sometimes aku susa kot nk percaye org.

sbb aku rse aku pnah je percaye (dh brape kali) pas 2 things pun happen.

so aku prefer being careful.

bcause, if i be careful at least if something happens aku tk la rse mcm: aku yg tak careful enough.

 

pas 2 kt perantauan ni, bile b’hdpn dgn org yg bukan muslim, lg la aku rse kne be careful.

 

sbb bila sesuatu “diri” tu tidak menerima bertuhankan Allah, kita tak tahu “diri” itu sanggup buat ape ke atas “diri”nya dan “diri” yg lain.

bukan aku nk ckp sume org bukan Islam tu evil ke aper, jst aku nk ckp bila seseorg itu Islam, there is a difference.

klau tk silap, dlm Al-Quran, surah Al-Fath ader sbut psl org muslim itu berbaik dgn sesamanya dan bertegas dgn yg bukan muslim. (note: bertegas, bukan membenci. kita bukan diajar utk membenci ciptaan2-Nya).

i think it’s this:

“Muhammad (saw) is the messenger of Allah, and those who are with him are severe against disbelievers, and merciful among themselves.”

[Surah Al-Fath: skitar ayat 18-29].

sbb aku percaye, org jadi baik sbb dia muslim dan beriman.

klau dia bukan muslim dan takde iman, baik mcmane pun amalan dia, takkan same dgn org yg ada iman dlm diri dia.

bila dia ada iman, mksudnya ada kepercayaan yg bertuhankan Allah.

sbb tu dlm Islam ada “Izzah”.

mksudnya mcm satu pride of being a muslim.

 

sbb, betape BESARnya erti mnjadi muslim.

 

spjg aku kt overseas ni (i don’t really like using ths word, anyway), aku tlah diizinkn oleh-Nya utk mnyaksikn dua pristiwa syahadah insan2 yg memeluk Islam.

bile aku jadi saksi syahadah buat pertama kalinya seseorg tu melangkah msuk mnjadi Islam,

aku rse..it’s like indescribable.

 

mcmane org2 yg mncari tuhannya akhirnya mnemukan cahaya stelah skian lama dlm kegelapan.

 

org yg baru around s’tahun msuk Islam pnah ckp dgn aku psl: seeing “the truth”, and that “the truth is tremendous” that all the little things “doesn’t (really) matter (anymore)”.

so,

faham tak betape besarnye erti mnjadi org Islam?

jadi,

aku rase mnjadi org Islam tu bukan skadar satu “status”, tpi sbnrnye sgt la besar ertinya.

 

bila kita Islam, stiap amal baik lillahi ta’ala akn ada gnjaran, dan niat utk amalan baik TANPA prbuatan pn dpt gnjaran.

sdgkan klau kita bukan Islam, buat baik mcmane skali pun takkan ada ganjaran di akhirat dan tidak sdikit pun menjadi bekalan.

bahkan dlm Al-Quran ada diceritakn, pada “hari itu” nnti, amal2 baik yg dilakukan org bukan Islam itu akn dtunjukkan kpd mereka dan akan hilang berterbangan (sperti tiada nilainya).

so,

utk setiap tahun kita hidup sbg org Islam, itu semua adalah nikmat kurniaan ilahi.

 

of course la aku tk stuju bile ade yg b’kata mcm aku tk pyh bagi reason religion utk dcision aku (abt something), sbb isu “sensitivity”, n also yg b’kata ptutnye aku berterima kasih sbb diberi pluang blajar kt negare org bukan Islam dgn tidak dibunuh.

i mean sriously, aku disagree. sbb tidak dibunuh tu kan hak stiap insan s’lagi memenuhi syariat-Nya.

dan sensitivity mcmane yg sensitive smpai aku tk boleh libatkn religion aku dlm pnjelasan kputusan aku?

Islam bukan terpisah dari kehidupan, bahkan Islam itu kan cara hidup.

not just religion, but it’s “deen”. klau dlm bahase arab it means “a way of life”.

so, knape nk kecikkannya?

sbb tu la aku sbut psl “Izzah”,

sbb aku rse bile kite ader pride in being a muslim, then maybe we would see what it means to not let others degrade it.

aku rse, ni bukan hal main2.

so.

sometimes ader la jugak “friction” bile aku bagi opinion ke aper.

aku rse, normal la tu.

maybe i have to work harder.

so tht pple cn undrstand 1st bfore they misundrstand (if they ever do).

 

2. “harta”

ada masenye, aku risau bile aku belanje2kn duit b’ulang2, sbb aku tkut aku berlebih2an.

at the same time, aku t’fkir jgk tentang menginfakkan harta mcmane yg disebut dlm Al-Quran.

byk jgk diulang psl infak ni. m’mng byk.

tpi a few days ago aku t’jumpe ayat ni:

“Dan (termasuk hamba-hamba Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih) orang-orang yang apabila menginfakkan (harta), mereka tidak berlebihan, dan tidak (pula) kikir, di antara keduanya secara wajar,”

[Surah Al-Furqan: 67]

klau tak salah dlm bahasa indonesia/nusantara, “kikir” tu mksudnya mcm bakhil atau kedekut.

 

rsenye skrg, aku tk brape pasti mcmane “antara keduanya secara wajar” tu.

 

buat mase kblkgn ni m’mng aku ade beli2 pun, utk bawak balik msia.

ada yg aku beli tu s’kdr “nice to see nice to hold, for memories’ sake”, ade yg aku beli sbb some sort of “nutricion value”, ade yg aku beli tu sbb fikir: “supaye org ni dpt manfaat”, (Amiin).

so aku just fkir, maybe i should try and be careful bila agak2 mcm dh sgt hmpir nak berlebihan.

tpi jgn smpai tk nak bagi ape2 lgsung la kan (tak baik mcm tu). 

ayat ni pun ada bgtahu:

“Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! infakkanlah sebagian dari rezeki yang telah Kami berikan kepadamu sebelum datang hari ketika tidak ada lagi jual beli, tidak ada lagi persahabatan dan tidak ada lagi syafaat. Orang-orang kafir itulah orang yang zalim”

[Surah Al-Baqarah: 254]

alhamdulillah (s’lagi Allah masih beri kesempatan, msih ada peluang utk semua org Islam, insyaAllah).

 

3. “tidur”

what is the last thing you think about bfore you go to sleep and the first think that’s on your mind when you sleep?

bace doa tidur & doa bangun tidur tk?

aku rse doa bngun tidur 2 best bcause it rminds me of another nikmat iaitu: dibangunkan setelah mati (tidur).

aku rse aku nk tido dh ni.

ptg ni insyaAllah ader prgrm, aku nk tido dlu.

k thnx bye.

 

also, bfore i end this post, i want to say that the way that i write this is not the best way to write huraian ayat2-Nya dan ayat2/sunnah dari Rasulullah (s.a.w), 

because, frm what i know, ada cara tertentu bila nk menghurai/menerangkan ayat2 Al-Quran dan sunnah Rasulullah (s.a.w);

so JANGAN la anggap bahawa entry ni m’mang 100% brtujuan menghurai isi kandungan ayat2 Allah dan Rasul (s.a.w), anggap la aku skadar bercerita cerita yg aku lalui dan cerita yg aku tahu, smbil msukkan isi cerita Al-Quran sikit2.

klau nak yg terbaik, JANGAN la bersumberkan tulisan aku ni, i think u can go to the source itself. dan jgnla jadikan post ni sbg contoh/bahan ikutan klau nk tulis huraian Al-Quran & Sunnah. aku pun still in some prt of some learning processes.

harap maklum.

i don’t want to (part 2).

Published November 24, 2011 by crystalights

i don’t want you to do things FOR ME because i don’t want you to THINK or FEEL like i depend on you FOR ANYTHING.

i don’t want you to THINK that i NEED you FOR ANYTHING.

dua bnda ni, paling2 aku tak berkenan.

i don’t really like people THINKING that i NEED or DEPEND on them. for ANY/WHATEVER thing or reason.

even when i sometimes do (to some extent, to some people) have things that i want, i really don’t think i want to. with you.

when people think that i NEED them or DEPEND on them, i feel UNCOMFORTABLE.

this dependency and need is not something that i am happy with.

i like feeling like i am doing what i have to do and what i can do for my own self and for the people around me and that i don’t have to hope for anyone to do it for me because i can. do it.

if i want something, i’ll figure out something, insyaAllah.

not NEEDING people like you to “help” me.

it’s in the way that i was brought up.

it’s like my way of living.

and i don’t really like anyone doing anything to change that.

 

because i don’t know what i would have to sacrifice in return if i was “helped” by some people.

bukan nk berprasangka, hanya aku nk berhati2. sbb aku dh pnah face this kind of thing a few times and it’s not very pleasant. it’s hurtful.

bcause bukan sume manusia boleh give willingly hanya kerana Allah.

aku faham. i’m not saying it’s okay, i’m jst saying i undrstand.

aku tak menyalahkan,

aku cume harap tuhan pun maafkan aku bile usaha dan perlakuan aku tak smpurna

bila rungutan hati aku mencemari amalanku

bila keikhlasan itu dtg dgn sgt lambat dan perlahan, atau kdgkala lgsung tk ada.

aku tk nk letak ape2 excuse pn for my bhaviour.

 

i just hope that i can at least try to be better.

 

insyaAllah, tmrow ader some sisters’ gathering (final, bfore BFG).

BFG is: “back for good”, bukan “big final goodbye”, bukan jgk “big friendly giant” mcm dlm cerite Roald Dahl tuh.

and speaking of Roald Dahl, i found some Wonka candies ysterday (as in Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

sape2 yg bace blog ni (yg aku knal la), nak tak Wonka candies tu? name dier Gobstoppers (klau tak silap. like in that book). klau nak, maybe aku bleh la belikan & bwk balik msia.

(ha cpt, time ni la sesuai mngaku if you read my blog, fr those candies).

 

anyway,

aku ade kje lg ni.

my friend need smthng done by mnday,

pas tu bku2 ngn nota tk hbis kmas lg,

pas tu ader some thng(s) nk buat b4 sis gath tmrow

pas tu nxt week nk arrnge bdah buku ber-duo, mayb dua kali sminggu, so blom prepare pn lg

pas tu aku blom figure out lg camane nk ulang alik airport semurah mgkin

pas tu maybe aku mcm nk pergi intrview UMK lbih kurng 2 and a hlf weeks lg yg aku blom prepare jgk.

so yes.

everyday aku ader bnda nk dbuat,

jst bcause aku dh hbis uni tasks doesn’t mean i have nothing to do

(so aku cm tk bkenan whn pple who don’t know what to do with their plenty of time is seeking my attention/energy/commitment to “fill their time” for them).

sorry, but: lu pikir la sendiri.

 

 

i don’t want to.

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights

so you say i make you confused.

you say as if i wanted to go then suddenly when you tell me about your plans then i don’t want to go. 

that you can feel like i didn’t enjoy being out with you.

that i’d rather go visit my (other?) friends than go out with you today.

you say that we have to go out by 7a.m the latest because you want to avoid traffic jam and you don’t wanna be late for your appointment.

i hurried and woke up to get ready around that time but we arrived within the area about ONE HOUR and 15 minutes EARLIER than your schedule.

then suddenly you want to go and visit YOUR friend while we fill the time before your appointment, but later on after we left your friend’s house you say that this friend of yours hurt your feelings (and that this isn’t the first time) although i don’t really understand which part of that conversation was really MEANT to HURT you.

you say that i can sleep in the car (if it’s too early for me to wake up and go out) and so i tell you that i DON’T LIKE sleeping in the car.

i told you to give the food to someone else but you brought it along anyway,

and then you say that i don’t eat what you give me because i worry that it’s not halal;

and that someone you know used to check the (food additive) numbers (like i do now) but in the end she just ate whatever other kind of that food type (and i find it insulting if it implies that i too, will become that way, as well as equally insulting if it implies that i am concerned about what i don’t have to be concerned for when it comes to food products).

you say that you can send me to the train station so i can go home if i want to, while you might go somewhere else but after we passed the train station you say you want to send me home because you wanna go home too; because you need to take in those carpets of yours before it rains (heavier). but afterwards you DIDN’T take in your carpets.

you keep on saying things like: “i can (do this/that/etc) for you if you want to”.

“yes, sure if you want to.”

“i can send you if you want to”

“i can go (there) with you if you want to”

“i like helping people”

“i like driving”, even when you might say you’re tired, after spending the morning going out (like wht happened the other day).

and after you offer taking me out and i said i’ll think about it,

you so easily say things like:

“if i take you out for lunch/eating, i’ll pay (for you), don’t worry”, sounding as if i am taking some time to think because i’m worried about money. (gee, another insulting statement).

 

by the end of the day (with you) i realized that i feel so much that i don’t even truly know where to start.

you see, the kind of character/attitude that i don’t like are the ones that you managed to portray to me in less than 24 hours.

i want to be patient and respect you, but i find myself struggling.

 

so don’t ask me if i’m okay

don’t ask me if i will return

don’t tell me to not be

 

because i really feel like i needed a break from you.

 

i don’t think i can do it the way you want me to.

 

i don’t even want to depend on you.

or let you take me on a ride to anywhere,

or listen to you tell me about your feelings

or listen to you tell me about MY feelings

or listen to you respond to what you THINK i was thinking about.

or listen to how hurt you are because people say things that you THINK is HURTING you

or how you refute my response when i give a different viewpoint because you think you have a reasonable reason to feel the way you do (which i might try and give you the benefit of the doubt even when i feel like i’m not given the same benefit when it’s MY OWN perceived reasonable reason if i come to a decision)

or how EVERYONE/etc who’s with you have to somehow care about your feelings and treat you in the manner that you feel is acceptable and accomodate to what you feel/wish, because you FEEL hurt/sad/etc.

or how you seemed to want people to give their time/attention/energy to placate/pacify you so that you don’t feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt like when you’re saying you don’t have anything to do while prior to this you say “i can do etc..if you want to” and then since you spent time with this/that/etc. person to do “what they want to” then why would you feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt right? and why wouldn’t they fill your time the way that you agree with, right?

 

you see,

i guess i kinda saw RIGHT THROUGH you by the 3rd day i know you.

and since it’s almost the end of the year i think i’ve known you enough by now.

 

i don’t like it when people dictate/control/decide for me what i can decide for myself and what i didn’t ask for help for,

but i especially don’t like it when it is done in such a manner that it is not only messy/impetuous/incorrigible/tactless/tasteless, it doesn’t even come with an attempt to at least have the decency to be subtle and a little wiser.

 

i am dissapointed with this lack of propriety

and i do not wish for it to continue

 

because i want to care about people that deserve to be cared about more than people like this

i want to care about people who wants to give wthout seeking for something frm me in return

 

and well

at least i didn’t tell it all to your face out of what little patience/respect that i have left for you.