but you don’t really know what it’s like

Published November 13, 2011 by crystalights

 

no matter what,

isn’t this place just a foreign city (for me)?

 

it’s been almost 9 months i’m here.

and insyaAllah i’m going back next month.

back for good (i hope).

 

how do you study for a postgrad/msters course for 9 months?

it’s like eating dry instant noodles, and then drinking the hot water,

the eating scratches your throat raw, and the drinking scalds your tongue, hot.

it wasn’t an easy ride.

 

i was offered a 1-year course.

some of my coursemates were offered 2 years: i think they’re offering based on what they think is suitable.

so at that time when i had some matters i wanted to settle/clarify with the office, the lady at the desk heard that my studies is for 1 year.

and she was like: “lucky girl”.

i didn’t really know exactly why she said that,

but i was thinking: maybe a lot of international students were in the 2 year programme.

but well.

even when both the 1 year and 2 years are for the same course,

there is someone i know who wnted the 2 year program- so that she can stay here longer and maybe get a job and become a permanent resident.

 

so, the permanent resident question.

people are asking me: don’t i want to stay and try and get a PR and work here?

someone evn said that they cn hlp me get settled down as in (finding a candidate to marry).

 

well.

i guess i’ve always known the answer to that.

 

the thing is that, of all the things that i want, i believe that it’s not that.

it isn’t to go to a foreign country, start a career overseas and marry a trophy husband of some international descendant.

 

i don’t want that kind of life.

 

fairytales are not what reality is made of.

 

even if they do, i don’t feel like the satisfaction would be the same.

 

knowing that you’re not just dreaming, but also putting in effort to realize your dreams

 

and knowing that your dreams are not just yours

 

the kind of feeling you get after you go through great difficulties for this particular belief

 

and then because you know what it’s like, you can’t help but comprehend the gravity of this reality

 

you want to deliver what you see

what you feel has been unseen before you

what you have finally come to understand

but you don’t know how

don’t know how to make it clear that things are not really what they look like

that the only reason that you’re responding is the only reason that you’d rather not

 

sometimes i don’t know what to feel when i see what i see

 

but even then,

i refuse to be told what i should feel

 

i reject even more the notion of what it means to see my stand but not stand on it

 

because,

how can you say what you’re saying about what i’m saying

when you’re not the one who’s here to say it

you don’t know what it’s like

and i think,

the worst part is that even when you don’t,

you still think you have the privilege of telling me what you think i don’t know

when you don’t even know what i know or not know

 

this isn’t a fairytale dream

i’m not here for that

i’m here on a mission

i’m not here on vacation

i’m not here for someone else’ ambition

 

you’re not the one who slept under the table in campus because going home would mean taking the time to travel and not being in campus by sunrise to finish your final submission.

 

if you’re telling me how i should react when something is clearly wrong based on my deliberate judgement,

how do you think i feel?

 

do you think this is like one of those games we play when we were younger,

when no one really bothers if the game’s unfinished?

when anyone can just say any random things as if it means something

 

i am tired of being told of what to respond when i truly believe that i have reasons to support my circumspection

do you think i don’t know my own purpose and actions like i don’t know what your purpose in life is?

 

and i’m saying that i don’t know what your purpose in life is

but it doesn’t mean that you don’t have a purpose.

 

you see?

things are more than what they seem

 

so why can’t we just cut each other some slack

and let me believe in what i believe in

 

because you’re not in my shoes

you don’t know what it’s like to worry and work hard and still worry because everything’s uncertain

everything’s unsure and unrevealed until the time comes for them to be revealed

 

you don’t know what it’s like to not want to book a graduation robe until you’re completely sure that the result says that you’re qualified to graduate with whatever you’ve worked hard for

 

so don’t treat me like a child

 

because i’m a grown woman especially since i’ve been away from you.

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