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All posts for the month January, 2012

some things need a bit more thinking.

Published January 30, 2012 by crystalights

last weekend we went to their house

it was actually my dad’s attempt for my adik to get a massage for his head injury.

i didn’t really agree but ok, let’s skip that part.

 

so we stayed at where we usually stay at

i got to meet them + abg zaid (woah it is kinda weird writing his name in my blog but whatever, i prefer writing the name of a naturally neutral party)

disclaimer: he is my abg saudara. we don’t really have conversations or any of those stuff, most of the time it’s jst me talking and him looking like he’s listening. which is fine with me).

i thought i didn’t wanna go but

before the trip my dad was trying to deliver his point which i wasn’t quite sure if i really agree with but ok, let’s skip that part as well.

 

not everyone thinks the same way but it’s ok, let’s skip it.

 

what’s important is that i didn’t decide to go because of people.

 

i’m doing it because i have this purpose that i believe in which is not human-centred.

 

i know myself and what i’m like

even if people may not always understand

it’s ok

it’s not always about me.

 

but overall the trip/visit was ok

i think we arrived there and arrived home on different days but in record speed.

i slept in the car but i can feel the vehicle vibrating like massively

i think it was 130-140kmph

i ate like 3 tangerines in one day

there’s only a few left

and lots and lots of roasted chestnuts

they’re soo good it’s almst like it’s addictive how i keep on munching on them up until last night

so today i woke up feeling like i’m hungover (as if i know what a hangover feels like, :-P) after eating those. trus rase cam sengal2 s’mcm.

 

but sriously,

i think

sometimes some people want concrete, tangible things.

sometimes for some people it’s not enough to just understand.

sometimes people want it crystal clear and physically solidly uncontested and irrevocable.

like your dad asking for the serial number on your graduate scroll.

or when you’re told to check your account for the second time in 48hours even when you’re certain that there is no way that the balance will increase in two days.

or people not accepting that they have more than enough or at least enough to get by, saying that your life is better than theirs because it is their reason for becoming who they are.

 

well

i don’t think i have it easy,

i have things that i have to struggle for jgk.

i think this is life. for everyone.

 

*

and so my transcript’s finally here last week

so now i think i can use it for any upcoming applications ^__^

 

am i willling to let myself be entirely defined by these papers (?) no, i don’t think so.

 

it is a paper i use to try and get somewhere. it is not an ultimate goal.

same mcm sarjana tu. it is a tool for a bigger purpose.

not for worldly symbols or as a collection of achievement.

tapi sometimes bile kiter nak make a difference and induce positive changes dlm umat ni in this twisted world sometimes papers are a requirement

you know, sometimes even when we have our own way of things we have to play it by their rules (but still, we have our principles).

so

bile kiter nak “infiltrate” ke dalam jaring-jaring pasca modenisasi

sometimes byk la langkahnye yg kiter kene ambil sblm kiter mendarat di perbatasan

sblm kiter menjayekan matlamat besar kiter,

ada byk benda yg maybe kiter akan hadapi along the way.

 

dlm perjalanan yg pjg, anything can happen.

tapi, aku rase yg penting: cara perjuangan DAN matlamat perjuangan.

semata-mata utk siapa dan utk apa?

 

“Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang beriman, dan orang-orang yang berhijrah dan berjihad di jalan Allah, mereka itulah yang mengharapkan rahmat Allah. Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang.” [Al-Baqarah: 218]

 

think about it.

in this life, when you fight and you struggle, what are you actually fighting or striving for?

adakah utk m’nunjukkan pada sesiape bahawe kiter telah “menang”?

atau utk kdudukan khidupan duniawi yg maksima?

atau kerana tanggungjawab di sini dan jgk pengharapan pd hari kebangkitan kita nnti?

 

do you wonder about what you’re looking for when you open your eyes each day?

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ok, fine.

Published January 28, 2012 by crystalights

maybe i’m jst being a worrywart

but i think, this time it’s probably just my pride taking over.

 

i’m used to people not understanding

but i can’t help but feel that this time, the fault really was not mine.

 

sbb tu aku mcm susah skit nk fix it

bcause i feel that it wasn’t my wrongdoings

 

it is not my fault that a few times when something goes unpretty my academic background becomes an arguing ticket for people

honestly it’s not like the credit was mine

it’s not even impressive or anything

aku bersyukur la dgn ape yg Allah bagi tapi aku tahu ni sume bukannye dtg dari aku and i’m not even flaunting it

bersyukur dan gembire tu aderla. tpi bukannye nk rub it in anybody’s faces ke aper

bukan nak bwat semahu hati atas tiket “tamat pengajian sarjana”

 

dah la sometimes i feel like i’m his trophy

but whatever, maybe i’m jst a paranoid pessimist

 

tapi sriously,

what can i do?

 

i think i’m jst carrying out my duty

as part of an ummah who was given an opportunity

 

i have to consider what he thinks or feel jgk

dier ckp sejak aku balik ni skali pn aku tk pnah pergi

ok fine;

forget the fact that i don’t live in kL,

i was in d middle of a few things,

i can’t just take the car and drive, i am trying to complete my driving license,

and i have a few people i have to see

and i’ve been kinda occupied with the job hunting and that prvious intrview

ok fine;

fine fine fine

even if all that is not reason enough

then can i ever have that opportunity to claim my fare share of the benefit of the doubt?

that i would’ve at least tried to not let these worldly things get to my head (?)

 

will i ever be free of the notion that my absence and response is a manifestation of my academic life?

 

i just..

i usually don’t even care

but this time i think i have to at least be a little concerned because i believe in reasons and purposes

and that there is something that i have to do no matter what for the sake of The One Who Created me.

 

sure i think i can protect my pride and walk away (like those many times bfore)

but then

i think i realize now that i have an obligation to protect this tie.

 

so what i feel is not important.

 

aku nak berusaha

walaupn aku rase mcm kne deal with somethng yg aku tak nak deal with pn

sbb aku tak nmpak ape2 s’lain dari persepsi peribadi seorg insan.

 

tapi tkpela

ok fine;

i’ll deal with it

 

i’ll take this,

fine.

 

bg aku personally, smbung blajar bukan satu benda utk dibanggakan,

smbung blajar aku ibaratkn mcm tnggungjawab diri jika berkemampuan.

 

ape yg aku nk banggekan? sume yg aku ada bukan dtg dari aku. knape pulak itu nk dikaitkn dgn bnda lain yg not even remotely directly related?

 

oh dear, TELL ME what on earth could i possibly HAVE done?

 

i’m not really into this topic anyway so

why bother

 

malasnye nk fikir abt these thngs

 

whatever.

fine.

you’re free to think.

 

fine fine fine.

within a prayer

Published January 28, 2012 by crystalights

i think therapy for me adalah doa

the things i ask for in my prayers are like therapy for me

because i know Allah is listening

and even if you don’t get what you ask for i feel that Allah will eventually give you the best that you could receive- beyond the things that you wish for in your prayers

Allah knows best.

Allah knows what is the best for you even if you might think that the best for you is what you want and what you’re asking for

it could be that what you wish for is not what you need

but if it’s a need then wouldn’t you be in need of it?

and Allah gives so generously.

 

so i believe that every heartfelt prayer is not meaningless and not left in vain

insyaAllah, there is an answer.

try again.

Published January 26, 2012 by crystalights

i think i didn’t get that job that dad was talking about

 

sbb hri ni dh ader cndidate yg dh msuk kje

(tp utk aku msih belum ada phonecall).

 

tkpe la

jgn kecewa

skrg kiter berusaha lg kt tmpt lain pulak.

 

hidup m’mng mnuntut usaha

and maybe, they just want someone with certified computer skills and also experience.

they want pple with expertise and experience (?)

wlwpn aku tahu gune komputer, tp they want someone yg formally educated in computer-related discipline or have substantial experience in computer applications.

 

mcmane aku nk ader pengalaman klau aku tk ade pekerjaan

tp mcmane aku nk  ada pekerjaan klau aku tkde pengalaman?

 

isn’t it like a vicious cycle

when you have to have experience to get a job

but you have to get a job to have experience? 

 

and i have to keep on trying.

 

i want to do this.

i have to do this.

 

i want to be the one doing the rescuing.

i don’t want to be rescued.

 

“i can slay my own dragon

i can dream my own dream

my knight in shining armour

is me

so i’m gonna set me free”

 

i’m not searching for a fairytale

i have my own tale to carry

 

mungkin sbb tu aku tk bgitu mudah nak terime

bile org buat atau kata pd aku aper2 yg aku rse diri dier sndiri tidak mngetahuinya

oo sgt mudah utk aku turn it into another mess to sweep off

another dusty window

another dirt on the side of the tracks

 

but anyway.

i can’t always expect to get away with being like this, can i?

 

it’s just that

i want to have faith.

think about it.

Published January 26, 2012 by crystalights

this morning i woke up and rase mcm tak sdap hati

pas tu baru aku teringat, smlm one whole day aku tak mengaji.

aku t’lupe.

smlm aku uruskn fingerprint-ing utk lesen L

and then aftr zuhur kluar ader hal skit.

ptg tu pulak prgi balai polis and got my answer

aku rase, stakat tu je kot riwayat brg2 tu kt tgn aku.

 

at least now i know.

 

moving on to other things,

 

i felt like i’ve been missing for a long time

for quite a while i wasn’t here to do what i should do

and i don’t want anybody else to do it in my place

now that i’m here

i think it is almost like a part of the niche that i am supposed to fill

 

some things may not be as smooth-sailing

 

but the fact that there is a purpose, a few roles you have to fulfil

means that there is a meaning that you can strive towards

it’s not anybody else’ fault that your life is the way it is

maybe it is the best kind of life that could ever be given to you at a time like this

only god knows best

 

maybe what you have now

is the best that you could ever have for now

 

it might be different later

who knows what the future will bring?

 

for now

this isn’t the end

and you’re not at your wit’s end

you’re not the unsalvaged

no one else has to be hurt just because we got hurt

just because someone feels like they didn’t get the better end of the bargain i call life

 

i haven’t seen you around for quite a while

but

didn’t you bargain this?

wasn’t it your call?

“and i remember

all those crazy things you said

you left them running through my head”

i just

thought that i should do the right thing.

take it or leave it,

don’t second-guess it

*

i can’t read every heart

but i know that

no matter how lacking i am

i didn’t really know if you did make an effort

“how can it be you’re asking me to feel

the things you never show”

i didn’t know

whether or not anything i do would’ve made any difference to you

because despite these years you never really knew me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt, right?

 

at least i tried.

 

i think it wasn’t because i needed it.

i just felt like it’s what i should do.

for someone like you who’ve known me for quite a while.

 

for that i think,

i have nothing else to say.

to just be.

Published January 23, 2012 by crystalights

when i was younger,

i liked watching jpanese anime.

i think, i still do now.

i like that there is a story behind every character that is drawn, and that the drawings beautifully depicts this.

 

there was this anime which i really made an effort to follow, frm the beginning untill the end

it was:

“honey and clover”.

 it was this really heartfelt story about a group of people who are very different but has this common ground that somehow puts them together: art and studies.

and in the midst of each of their own personal trials and tribulations, they somehow survived and came to know more about what love and life really is:

it’s not all sweet and pretty and predictable all the time

and a lot of times what the story is saying is something that really hits home.

 

when the cool-headed nomiya brought yamada who was grieving an unrequited love to view the ferris wheel from the balcony of his apartment 

he knew she was in this deep sadness

and he talked about how

some things look better when they’re seen from a far distance

because once you come near and got on it

it isn’t anything as enticing as that view from afar.

 

and then i think

she gets what he means

and she can only allow herself to wallow.

 

*

 

i think

some things require effort and sacrifices

and time and especially: the arrangement of fate and destiny

 

but if it’s not meant to be and you’re somewhere else other than the kind of situation that you thought you wanted to be in

 

then perhaps you’re just exactly where you’re supposed to be

(even when you find it so hard to believe)

 

because every path and consequences are written

 

and you,

you might think that you don’t want to be the onlooker of a beautiful view,

you want to be within that and be there to know what it’s like from the inside looking out instead of the outside looking in

because you want to know what it’s like to be encased in a breathtaking view

 

 

but really

could it be that the grass is greener on the other side

when you know it’s been the same earth and the same sunshine

the same kind of feeling you get when you watch the lights glitter in the dark

the same soreness of a yearning heart

 

eventually

wouldn’t we be in the same cycle again

that we would want something that we have yet to have

or that we could never have

that is unreachable no matter how tangible

 

perhaps happiness means

that you’re just happy regardless of how near or far you are from that breathtaking view

that you can close your eyes and see it there anyway, even when it isn’t there when you open them

and seeing them there doesn’t change the way you feel about where you are

because the fact that you’re somewhere distant enough to see and feel and think

is reason enough for you to just be. happy. or at least remotely content.

 

i think there is a reason why there is only one snow white even when there are 7 dwarfs;

maybe,

some people are meant to be rescued

while others are meant to be rescuing.

 

maybe

some people are meant to be looked up to

but it doesn’t mean that they’re not looking after.

 

maybe

some people are meant to be more than what they are to themselves

 

maybe

some people take a longer time for a happy ending

not because they are undeserving

but because our Creator is kind enough to give more time and distance for our selves to learn, to seek, and to be enriched with valuable lessons and experiences

 

everyone has their own struggles

so

perhaps there is no one particular thing that exactly defines our lives’ worth.

another

Published January 23, 2012 by crystalights

so today was the amali & practical class.

it was warm but windy, a nice weather for us to be standing near a car to stare at it’s inner parts in the late aftrnoon practical lesson.

 

i think he thinks i’m a wimp when it comes to drivng but smtimes i think

it’s easier to look defenseless and incapable than to actually show that u know what you’re doing

but

whether or not i know what i’m doing,

i have yet to find out.

*

aku

tk biase sgt tell evryone where i’m going

sbb i don’t think i have to.

 

i think

if it is my life then i’m the one responsible for it.

but

i don’t mind trying if it’s a way of showing respect and gratitude.

bukan a way of reporting my every move in order to transfer the things that i’ll be held accountable for.