jujur saja

Published January 13, 2012 by crystalights

before and after i left, i understand that some things have changed.

some of them are the physical things, while others are the more intrinsic elements or occurences.

waktu berlalu

dan dgn dtgnya perbezaan usia, diri kita pun akan deal with perkara yg berbeza,

sometimes that is what we need since we’re no longer who we were.

aku rase, aku tak boleh nak harapkan everything to stay the same sedangkan aku tahu bila masenye dtg, kdg2 perubahan itu perlu.

jadi, aku tak faham what exactly happened that day.

i thought that it was enough.

that i saw you. we shared a meal. and talked.

and so when you ask me something like: if i think just a few hours is enough, if just sitting, talking and eating is enough, if living a life that is unlike yours is enough,

then, what do you expect me to say?

we’re not simply teenagers without commitments anymore.

you have a life to live, i have a life to get back to.

returning home doesn’t mean that my duties and responsibilities is completed and done, it simply means that i have new ones to attempt to fulfill.

i spared the time and effort that i could and that i felt appropriate enough for you because i wanted to try and reach out. to you.

yes, you’re not the only one i went to see.

yes, i have other people and other commitments. other promises to keep.

yes, i didn’t spare for you a whole day. or set aside a special date just for you.

but i still came to see you too.

i am only one person.

and i didn’t think that this meet would mean that all the past dissatisfaction and regrets would be brought out for an extensive spread

i didn’t think that we would spend about an hour finishing some arguments about whatever pre-existing events that has happened between you and me.

but whatever, okay, i guess you’re angry, because i can’t be who i was to you anymore.

fine.

and then you move into the topic of me chasing after perfection, and me not knowing what it’s like to lead a difficult life and whatnot,

seriously,

are you freaking kidding me?

do you even know what you’re talking about? my life?

do you think that my life is an easy fairytale, that i didn’t know how harsh reality is?

of course i know how harsh reality is, look at how i am bombarded with accusations the moment i spent time talking with you, someone who claims to know me long enough to know what i’m like, and someone whom i strived to meet and haven’t seen for such a long time after going away for my studies which you seemed to think wasn’t difficult enough. or challenging enough.

 

and then you go on and on about what could possibly be difficult for me in my life and what could i possibly know about going through difficult circumstances and what could i possibly know about harshness and reality.

 

so i guess in the end it usually comes down to that, huh?

 

if life is a journey, and i treasure it,

why would i lay out my entire history to be analyzed by someone like you?

 

seriously,

even after all this time and even after all that i’ve said to you,

you still don’t get the point and you still don’t get me,

then i guess maybe you don’t even deserve my time.

 

i don’t think i care about what you think about me, or what you think i think about you.

i came to see you with some clear puposes, and that does not incude wasting time dissecting my understanding of a “difficult” life.

bagi aku, kalau hidup kita berhadapan dgn kesusahan skalipn, ader byk lg org dlm dunia ni yg lebih besar kesusahannya tapi lebih gigih dan lebih sabar daripada kita.

kita tak berhak nak salahkan semua kekurangan kita sepenuhnya pada keadaan hidup semata-mata,

secara peribadinya aku tahu byk kesalahan aku adalah berpunca drpd diri aku sndiri jugak

aku bukan insan yg tak diberi akal fikiran

aku terima bahawa aku pun turut bertangungjawab atas kesalahan2 yg aku pernah lakukan, regardless of whether or not i have or don’t have a perfect family, or whether i have or don’t have ample fortune and power for everything that i want, or whether i have or don’t have a great person among my flesh and blood to look up to, or whether i have or don’t have perfect intelligence and a perfect life.

my life isn’t perfect. but i think i understand it enough to be thankful, alhamdulillah.

adil ke aku nak salahkan sesape atas semua benda yg salah atau negatif dlm hidup aku ni ke atas org lain?

patut ke aku salahkan semua keburukan2 yg aku ada pada org2 lain yg terlibat dgn hidup aku dan jugak menyalahkan keadaan hidup aku sendiri?

so of course i have no idea why you said what you’ve said to me,

but it’s okay,

i guess i want to let it go.

 

if you want to say what you think is the truth then i too want to convey to you the truth.

i know that i didn’t rise above at that time, i was busy deflecting all your words and defending myself because you seemed to think that i’m a perfection freak who has never had harsh and difficult things to face.

 

it’s like i’m a preppy school chick freshly out of Chilton and lands directly in Yale.

 

but i think,

at least your people have tolerated you more and provided for you more than what i’ve ever received.

but i still treasure my people because what i feel in my heart is not represented by how much they give me or how much they let me do what i want.

you think i didn’t go through what you did, but in reality, you have no exact idea of the kind of things that i had to go through.

i was the one who didn’t have what you have.

but it’s okay.

i believe that such superficial things shouldn’t be a benchmark.

 

i believe in you.

i believe that you can change.

i believe that when the time comes, you can rise above and be better.

and perhaps even more than what i could ever become.

 

setiap org ada bhgn rezeki dan dugaan masing2, aku rase tak adil klau kita nak menyalahkan sepenuhnya keadaan hidup kita.

 

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