thoughts.

Published January 17, 2012 by crystalights

of all the things tht i could put into words right here

i think

this is among those that i don’t feel like i can write with ease.

 

but i want to put this in writing

because i don’t want to live in denial about this.

 

i know that a lot of times,

i respond with anger.

 

i’m not saying that it’s good or acceptable

but i think

most of the time that is what i’ve always known to respond in.

my anger isn’t entirely in words sometimes,

it could be jst the look on my face and then eventually,

it’s jst out there.

 

but sometimes (i think most of the time)

it’s jst that things can be quite alarming, to me.

 

and though this isn’t always about me

i was jst thinking that i always end up thinking things like:

“how dare you get hurt”.

“how dare you put yourself in a position so vulnerable to hurt.”

“how dare you consciously let yourself be so open to hurt.”

“how dare you.”

“..when all i’ve ever tried to do was save myself and my people (like you) away from it”.

 

i keep thinking that allowing yourself to get hurt is a luxury

because i feel that that sense of recklessness (and sometimes thoughtlessness)

is a reflection of the lack of concern and appreciation towards what you have been given with and what people has worked hard for (for people like you).

 

sometimes getting hurt isn’t just one small thing.

when you get hurt sometimes you’re not the only one hurting.

when you’re suffering sometimes it isn’t just you that is suffering because of it.

 

consciously i always try to be as careful as i can

just to avoid hurt/pain/grief/crises/problems/conflicts

because i don’t trust myself to respond in a way that isn’t aggravating the situation

because what i know is when things other than what i expect to happen suddenly happens,

anger is the closest least hurtful emotion there is for me to feel.

 

sometimes anger is my heart’s language

when things get too overwhelming.

 

maybe i thought that at least when i’m angry,

i don’t get sad

like when my energy is spent on being angry instead of weeping my hearts out.

 

so i guess

i always react in anger with such things

(even when i know i shouldn’t)

i think i shouldn’t be so angry

because i have to learn that i am a human,

i don’t have the power to decide everything

 

there are some things i have to accept.

 

sbb aku hamba-Nya.

 

i just want people (and myself) to be careful

so that we can make the effort to hurt less

to try and be in less hurtful situations

 

tapi aku rse aku pn kena terime

bahawe bukn semue bnda dlm dunia ni aku boleh elak dan bukan semue sprti yg aku inginkn

 

aku rse aku kena cube terime kenyataan

tentang Dia dan suratan-Nya dlm semue keadaan.

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