All posts for the month February, 2012

i don’t know.

Published February 27, 2012 by crystalights

i’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt,

but i can’t.

i can’t come up with any plausible, acceptable reason to justify your reaction.


at least i tried.

i really made the effort.

beyond that, i just don’t know what to do.


tapi hidup kita memang tak sama

ada perkara2 yg perlu aku pertimbangkan.


the interview (right?)

Published February 27, 2012 by crystalights

so this morning was the interview.

this morning was also the day that my melbourne friends start classes again (i think. good day gals!).

hmm. how ironic that we’re all starting/doing something as a form of “beginning” (or something like that).


my parents, no matter how i look at it i think, their decisions are also important.

because they’re my parents.

no matter how difficult their views cannot entirely be put aside.

at some point i know i have to consider them in my life’s equation.

i guess i don’t have much to say about other people’s parents because all parents are not the same.

we’re not in the same shoes.



so smlm dh prepare2. siap2 print.

bangun pagi mandi and then berbaju kurung songket biru yg confirm2 pinjam (tak sure sape pemilik asal yg baik hati dermakn baju kurung tu kt fmily mak ^__^)

baju raye maaa?


pas tu a little bit more reading aftrwards and then

breakfast mkn choc cake (^__~) 

pas 2 pkai stokin & sarung kasut singgah kdai utk siapkn salinan surat branak & some stuff.

 by the time aku smpai, molek je duduk tggu giliran.

i tried talking to the other cndidate tapi dier mcm tak (nak) berckp. bile aku tanyer dier jst gerak2 badan, mcm tak (nak) kluarkan suare, huhu. so i just kept quiet and read my printed papers.


it turns out i’m d last candidate (sgt lame m’nunggu).

by the time aku msuk, it was more than an hour later.

and uhmm, they seem very welcoming but reluctant to employ me because..

..they think i will be “snatched away” anytime in the near future.

means that they were very concerned about me leaving this work because some other place will be calling me for work (according to them).

they keep implying that i will get up and leave and then they’ll face difficulties in getting someone else to teach.

we didn’t even go through the things that i prepared and printed, it was mostly just them talking about me and my plans. which was very nice and light-hearted and all, but i wasn’t sure what it meant for me in terms of this job.



i don’t know.

i don’t know how much of that (whatever they claim) is true.


but i do know that

even if i am employed,

it’s not really because of me and what i did,

it’s because Allah has determined the path that was written for me.


if i get or don’t get what i want,

it’s not BECAUSE OF ME.


if i get a job,

or get recognition

or get fame and/or fortune

or simply get whatever that a person could possibly want,


it’s because of the mercy that Allah has bestowed upon me and to all of mankind.


it’s not all MY EFFORTS and MY PASSION or whatever.

of course efforts and passion is as important, but the final determinant is Allah.


sbb tu i think, dari sisi manusia, kebergantungan terhadap Allah itu sgt besar ertinya.

kdg2 mgkin bile aku berusaha aku terlupe bahawa Dia lah yg menentukan segala natijah urusan2ku.


aku rase, klau tak berjalan sprti yg diingini, aku tak perlu beri pnjelasan pn pd pihak lain yg tak terlibat, slagi perkara tu tak affect mana2 pihak lain.

sbbnya, knape aku nk jelaskan sesuatu yg rasenye aku sekadar mampu berusaha dan bertawakal utknya, sdgkn yg menentukannya bukan aku.

dh memang kesudahannya bukan aku yg tntukan.



i don’t know what’ll happen next.

but i do try.

and i hope i don’t forget to at least bertawakal kpd-Nya.


aper2 yg Dia tntukan, itulah yg terbaik utkku.


mudah2an, jgnlah aku termasuk di klgn org2 yg berburuk sangka kpd Tuhanku, Amiin~

back away

Published February 26, 2012 by crystalights

i think i need to cry


air mata tk nk kluar.




let me decide on my own terms.

have a little faith in me.

understand that i do HAVE a plan.

and don’t expect too much from people OTHER than me.



you’re not the only one in this world who’s thinking what you’re thinking


and i’m probably not the only one in this world that this is happening to.


i have my own piece of mind.

my own decisions to make.


so allow me to think: BACK OFF.


and let me think some more.


Published February 23, 2012 by crystalights

i don’t wanna write down what i wished would/have happen(ed)

don’t wanna put into words all of those that wasn’t put to reality.


“..regrets and mistakes,

they’re memories made;

who would have known how bittersweet this would taste..”


i guess today didn’t go so well.

in fact i think, a lot of things wasn’t going so well lately;

but no, i don’t wanna write them down.

i would rather count my blessings than count my misfortunes.


i guess this is my rough patch

and no one can save me except Allah.




jgnlah aku termasuk org2 yg berputus asa dari rahmat-Mu,

dan jgnlah perasaanku mengatasi perananku,


mood jiwa-jiwa

Published February 22, 2012 by crystalights

i was reading smthng frm muharikah.

and then i guess it got me thinking.


bila kita berukhuwwah kerana-Nya,

bukan ke kita nak menerima dan menyayangi kerana-Nya?


menerima? : YES.

menyayangi? : almost a YES. (hihihi).


aku, bukan org yg senang rasa sayang.

tapi kdg2, ada masenye when i’m with pple for just a short time tapi i find that i care. a lot. about them.


maybe it’s my “mother-complex” or whatever,

tapi kdg2 aku rase aku care (even if it’s in my own twisted way). aku risau nk biarkan these pple on their own kot.


because it’s like a “buggy-bug” world out there. mcm dlm citer “a bug’s life”,

it’s a fight for survival.


what if they got “eaten” before they even learn how to survive?

doesn’t evryone deserve a chance?


i want pple to survive a little, even bfore they know how to survive,


isn’t that ironic?


i can’t move mountains 24/7, 31/12, 365.


no matter what kita semua manusia

sometimes we feel things, even when we don’t want to.

like being upset and forlorn

sometimes you don’t want to be unhappy too


but sometimes

the bitterness and sadness, makes you appreciate the happiness more

makes you appreciate the good times

that perhaps you can do better to feel better.


it isn’t nothing. not to you.

even when you don’t have what you want

or when you feel like you can’t have what you want,

you’ll always have something

perhaps something that someone else wants but couldn’t have too.


i think,

we’ll always have something at some point

because god will never forsake us after creating us the way we are

we are not created in vain


“We created not the heavens and the earth and all that is between them for a (mere) play.”

(Al-Anbiya’: 16)


so even when things don’t really make sense to us now

there has to be something there.

we don’t exactly know what fate has in store for us

but we are not left without anything. at all. to at least hold on to.


apa yg tuhan tntukan utk kita

itulah yg terbaik, walau utk saat2 begini;




ada jalannya.


Published February 19, 2012 by crystalights

so i went there ysterday.

it was a program utk belia. wlaupun aku belia yg nk msuk kategori “belia industri” sbb dh tamat pngajian skolah/uni & simultaneously attempting to enter alam pkerjaan; tpi by dfinition locally & intrnationally i’m still a belia. nxt yr cud be a diffrnt story bcause these stndrds might be revised to accomodate d new age range (and insyaAllah nxt yr i’ll b above 25).


it was very nicely organized and quite enjoyable, sbb pndekatan ala2 forum oleh org yg biase berdiskusi tak t’lalu m’nekan audience yg belia2 tuh. lg ader mcm sketsa pantomime sblh ptg (very klakar i tell u, i guess UIA stdnts really knoe their stuff), and earlier in the morning there ws tht very simple and interesting presentation abt wht a belia is. (i knew d speakr frm bfore, he came to melbourne during d fasting mnth to be our imam fr d tarawikh prayers & gave tazkirah as well).

[there were some small parts yg aku rase mcm kurang sesuai (tapi aku rse aku faham sbb klau tak salah, org2 yg mengepala-i bhgn2 itu bukan sbhgn dari staff/mahasiswa/pertubuhan NGO yg t’libat so i guess that it is understandable that they may not see the more “suitable” method of approach when dealing with adolescents or young adults), but i think there ws no harm done, jst a matter of how a youth would take it, tht’s all].


i guess Pembina did a great job orgnizing it, overall it was nice.


antara isi2 yg aku dpt grab + my “re-mix” frm d past:

1. belia in the past. were such amazing pple. tkde mase nk emo2 psl teenage adolescence or ptus cinta or whatever yg b’kaitan sbb they were among the best of men, either d companions (sahabat2 Rasulullah s.a.w) atau bersama Rasulullah s.a.w sndiri, b’juang utk agamanya.

Mushab bin Umair berusia 18 tahun ktika m’bawa tugas dakwah ke seluruh kota Madinah. Umair bin Abi Waqqas berumur 16 tahun ktika syahid dlm perang. and then u hav pple like Muhammad Al-Fatih who fulfilled the Prophet (s.a.w)’s hadith of the best leader of the best army, yg m’nawan sbuah kota yg tk dpt dtawan oleh org Islam s’lama ratusan tahun (i think u might already know which kota ths is).

2. belia —> berani + berilmu + matang + tahu bawak diri. ada ilmu tentang apa yg diikut/diperjuangkan.

3. belia yg tahu akarnya, agama dan bangsanya = positively kenal & sayang jatidiri = cenderung ke arah usaha memperbaiki umat & bangsanya = bye bye western infiltration we don’t need sveral diffrnt re-represntation of nicki minaj. (no offense ^__~).



tht is some of the points i “absorbed” and “re-mixed”, hihi.

alhamdulillah for d opportunity. it ws awesome.



let’s not ruin ths entry with my incessant unnecessary babble, so

i’ll jst end it by sharing this nice card we received on the prgram day:

mule2 baca ada rasa tersentuh. sbb mse mula2 nk berangkat prgi tu aku ada rase takut dan berat.

but i think now i know, that it’s worth it.

for every struggle there is somethng there for us insyaAllah,

let’s hope for the best ^___^


Published February 17, 2012 by crystalights

i’m not always ever-ready for anything wthout being at least a little overwhelmed or freaked out.


sometimes certain things freak me out.


like meeting people who are strangers to me but whom are acquaintances to my friends or family.

or answering my family’s phone from someone representing something over the line and trying my bst not to screw up anybody’s lives.



menyesal aku angkat telefon.

dh la call tak perkenalkan diri dulu, pas 2 tibe2 nk korek maklumat drpd org.

pas 2 bile org respond, lancar je jwb dgn nada sinis/sarcastic.

mane pergi budi bahase nye?

if you really wanna call my dad at his phone number is that the way you talk to someone as old as my dad?

my dad is almost as old as this country (or perhaps even older); even if it wasn’t my dad who answered, the least that you can do is show some respect.



aku m’mng rase byk bnda yg perlukan correction pun in this country. even more so than some other.

because this is our country, with our ummah in it. i believe that we are the ones who have to face it. aper2 kekurangan pun, kita rakyat negara ni, sbhgn dari umat Baginda s.a.w. ♦ Klau rase tak kena pun, bukan ke keje kita utk at least ada sikit usaha ke arah pembetulan tu, kan?


klau kita semua make an effort lillahi Ta’ala, insyaAllah siape tahu klau mgkin satu hari nnti org yg berpelajaran tinggi tak biadap berbicara, org berkedudukan tinggi tak mengamalkan korupsi, dan org yg dipilih mnjadi pemimpin tak mengkhianati amanah2nya. mgkin wktu tu, urusan riba’ dpt dikurangkan dan akhirnya terhapus bersih. dan tak perlulah ekonomi negara terjejas dgn rakyat2 yg dicengkam bebanan hutang2 ber”bunga”.


aku rase mcm marah pulak. i felt like i am automatically witholding information after i realized who this person on the phone might be.

i think i jst said that we (me and my adik) didn’t really “live” here. (because we only stayed here temporarily while we find a permanent thing to do elsewhere. so. it wasn’t entirely a lie, was it?)


tp aku rse uncmfortable kot. bile strangers just pry or barge “technically”, “physically” or just ‘verbally”.


memang tak selesa sgt dgn perbuatan mcm tu frm othr pple.

i mean if i wanna let anyone “in”, i wanna do it on my own terms. that is how “private” i can be sometimes.





tmorow ader seminar (insyaAllah)

i’m staying over at someone’s campus in gambang tnight.


i haven’t even met them yet before.

i hope evrythng goes well even though i’m a bit scared out of my elements fr the time being.

but whatever.

i’m trying to try to train myself to be ready to move for the sake of my duties as part of the ummah, insyaAllah.


lgpn, klau btul ader byk “kerosakan” yg belom dibetulkan, aku nk tahu jugak ape “kerosakannyer”.


anggap je la ini siasatan dan pencarian aku demi tujuan pnciptaanku, insyaAllah.