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All posts for the month March, 2012

T__T

Published March 27, 2012 by crystalights

“and i’m still waiting for the rain to fall

pour real life down on me

’cause i can’t hold on to anything this good enough..”

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whatever.

Published March 27, 2012 by crystalights

bile aku takde lesen memandu,

people slalu have to fetch me utk usrah & daurah.

pas tu kene tumpang b’mlm bile hbis lewat bcause i can’t drive back and can’t expect people to be able to drive me back home and then for them to return to where they’re staying again.

pas tu bile ade urusan di bndar, i have to depend on people to send me too.

 

usrah & daurah tu mknan hati/minda/rohani aku.

aku tk brape dpt mknan mcm tu dlm urusan s’hari2 yg lain.

tak ckup munasabah bagi aku klau aku tk nk pergi usrah tanpa sebab.

tarbiyyah diri yg belum smpurna tak mengizinkan aku lari dari tanggungjawab semudah itu.

 

so today

i failed my driving test.

 

regardless of what i feel,

i don’t feel like talking about it.

 

di ketika ini, aku boleh nampak betape ramai manusia2 yg mcm takde sense nak tau nak tanye everything nak demand for an explanation of why i failed, where/which one i failed, why i have this look on my face, and so on.

 

mcm biase, people of the world doesn’t particularly choose which time they exhibit their harshness and lack of consideration. and lack of sense and lack of tact. and lack of self-reservation.

 

because i have huge reasons why i want to pass, i think it’s normal that i feel a huge blow when i don’t.

 

tak perlu kot aku nak jelaskan ape2. it’s not like you’re in my shoes, you couldn’t possibly understand what i feel and i don’t need you to understand. tak pyh nak ckp ape2. just gimme a break and leave me alone.

 

i’ll just have to fork out more money and put up with more people who can just freely spit words on my face throughout this whole thing until it’s finally over.

 

whatever.

“di atas normal”

Published March 16, 2012 by crystalights

kebelakangan ni kesibukan melanda

 

but it’s allright,

i want to embrace it with open arms.

 

anyway,

bukankah hidup yg bermakna adalah hidup yg bermanfaat?

 

hidup dimana tenaga + masa + usaha bukan spenuhnya terhambur pd pkara yg manfaatnya sifar.

 

i think

it’s either you control it, or it controls your life.

 

sbb, siapa lg yg akan pelihara kita?

sebaik2 pemelihara itulah Allah.

tapi usaha kita itulah pengiring yg terbaik bagi tawakal dan doa.

bukankah

“setiap manusia itu pemimpin,

dan setiap pemimpin itu bertanggungjawab ke atas pimpinannya?”

 

walau kita hanya memimpin diri sendiri

tak bermakna kita tak perlu mengendahkannya

 

dalam hidup ni apa yg penting?

 

bila amalan fardhu dipelihara kerana-Nya,

kemudian usaha2 seperti mnjlnkn tnggungjawab2 tertentu atau pencarian rezeki & etc. adalah utk manfaat diri dan umat-Nya,

seterusnya perhubungan dgn ciptaan2-Nya dijaga utk meraih redha-Nya,

bukankah itu kehidupan yg bermakna?

kehidupan yg bertumpu pd usaha utk bermanfaat kpada diri dan umat.

 

if i care about what i feel more than how i care about all of the above,

to the point where i don’t want people to say ANYTHING about my amalan fardhu,

or my attempts on the effort/usaha2 (ke arah manfaat) termasuk dlm mnympurnakan tnggungjwb atau mncari rezeki (lillahi Ta’ala) & etc,

and then i don’t want to jaga my perhubungan dgn ciptaan2-Nya kerana-Nya,

then what is it that i am living for?

 

adakah utk aku spend the whole time for something yg sifar manfaat dan tiada makna?

berbaloi ke nak give up some things that are so valuable, for nothing but temporary relief and false assurances?

jadi aku berseronok sendirian di atas keringat dan kudrat insan2 lain yg berusaha menunaikan tugas perhambaan mereka kerana-Nya?

bukankah tibanya agama-Nya kepada aku adalah kerana org2 terdahulu di zaman terdahulu tidak hanya berseronok sndirian di atas keringat dan kudrat insan2 lain?

 

is it enough for me to just spend time only doing things that i want or like and only for my own selfish self, and then when i’m with people i still want to let my selfishness manifest itself so massively to the point where my feelings are prioritized above the rights of others?

bukankah org lain yg punya hubungan dgnku juga punya hak ke atas ku?

bukankah Tuhan yg mnjadikan aku juga punya hak ke atas ku?

 

boleh ke aku terus2an hanya inginkan/lakukan segala yg diingini hatiku dgn mengenepikan segala hak2 yg lain ke atasku?

 

bukankah ibarat seperti berpaut pd secebis khayalan

bila terjaga dari lena, semuanya hilang dari mata

realiti bukan mimpi2 yg akan berlembut dgn kealpaan diri kita

mungkin setiap hari adalah satu pengajaran

dimana proses pembelajaran tidak akan menunggu kita bangun dari dongengan kosong

 

“life is not a bed of roses”.

semua perkara menuntut sesuatu.

bukan sekadar kita menghela nafas dan membuka mata maka semua akan tertunai.

tidak.

hakikat hidup tidak begitu.

 

so why would you be so angry and upset over something that is so very..normal?

 

because it is normal that most desirable things require usaha and effort.

and it is normal that amalan fardhu itu sebahagian dari kewajipan.

it is also normal that perhubungan sometimes requires penjagaan dan respect.

 

jadi apa yg begitu luar biasa sekali sehingga lahirnya ekspresi penuh emosi yg begitu mengetepikan hak2 insan lain itu?

 

what is it that you’re faced with, that hundreds or thousands of other people could possibly be facing (or perhaps in even worse conditions) for a greater cause?

is it for a greater/better/good cause?

or is it for yourself and your whimsical cause?

 

saat kata2 tak memberikan erti

lalu

apa lagi yg tinggal?

wahai cik

Published March 11, 2012 by crystalights

at least your family’s not kicking you out of the house.

at least you have a job, no matter how meagre it may seem.

at least you have enough to eat.

at least you still have parents who financially/technically shelter you.

at least you have people who tells you what they think about your actions/decisions.

at least you have a family who gives you the plain truth without asking for things in return.

at least you have siblings who do not demand to be taken care of.

at least you are not asked to be responsible of your family.

at least you still have people who put up with you and your life and didn’t just send you away for some far-fetched ambition.

 

aku ke org yg kau katakan tak reti bersyukur?

 

ape yg aku reti?

marah? merungut? mengada-ngada?

 

so aku yg teruk ni

memangla tak berminat pun nak dengar aper2 seleksi peribadi kau.

 

whatever, don’t tell me. anything.

wait.

Published March 6, 2012 by crystalights

sometimes when i am silent

it’s because i don’t trust myself to speak.

 

nnti dlu

back off skit.

 

this is just me trying to control my anger.

sbb aku tk nk cetuskan kerosakan yg lbih bsar klau aku bersuara.

 

i think

i don’t even wanna think about it right now.

 

aku nk try supaye aku tak meletakkan sesuatu itu bukan ditempatnya

especially utk org lain dan diri aku sndiri.

and i have to admit, the entire world doesn’t always appear to be supportive of my best-laid plans

but

what i cannot have from one, i will find a way from another.

because i believe that it isn’t what i feel that is above what i should fill in (as part of my duty).

 

you wanna know what i think?

lemme list em down:

1. klau aku nak pergi blajar ilmu mengenai-Nya, kenape aku nak cross over people, ignore their rights before me, and put myself above the rest of others? ini ke akhlak bile kita nak blajar ayat-ayat-Nya?

2. klau aku nak blajar sesuatu supaye aku dpt blajar ilmu tentang-Nya dan jadi lebih baik kerana-Nya, kenape aku nak ketepikan hak org2 yg berhak ke atas aku dlm pembelajaran aku kerana-Nya? itu ke cara utk mnjadi lbih baik?

3. klau aku nak lakukan mcm2 perkara kerana Allah, kenape aku tak nak bwat ape yg Allah sruh dlm proses aku nak melakukan perkara2 tu kerana Allah? adakah matlamat shj yg penting, tapi caranya tidak (penting)?

 

so that is what i think.

and because i think that way, so i have/want to try and do something in support of the things that i think of.

lgpun sape je yg ada utk support aku?

bukan sume org pun yg faham.

tapi aku tak nak salahkan sesape.

sbb pada bhgn2 tertentu dlm hidup kita, kita akan buat pilihan,

so,

to each one their own.

 

aku rase, aku dh buat pilihan

dan pada setiap ketika, hanya Allah shj sebaik2 penolong.

 

‘Say (to them O Muhammad s.a.w): “Sufficient is Allah for a witness between me and you. He knows what is in the heavens and on earth.”..’
Al-‘Ankabut (29): 52

 

 

driving drama.

Published March 4, 2012 by crystalights

minggu ni kire mcm..minggu practise memandu.

sbnrnye smtimes i think i feel uncomfortable driving under supervision/evaluation.

but.

i have to be able to drive jgk. so that i don’t have to dpend on pple bile ader urusan2 penting yg perlu aku hadapi.

kebergantungan pada manusia..buat aku rasa tak tenang.

my previous memories of human dependency..wasn’t all that great.

smtimes i think it’s frightening. to lay your trust on another soul. who, like some if not all human beings may tend to waver at some point of their lives because we ARE humans.

 

i feel uncomfortable when my instructor kinda “prep-talk” me after lessons

because i don’t want to be placated.

i don’t want some stranger tell me what i should or shouldn’t feel when driving gets tough for me.

i feel like that is an invasion of my right to feel/mourn/wallow/think/ponder/whatever.

what i feel, isn’t it private?

if i’m worried about driving, isn’t it my right to worry and/or think?

why do i need to be consoled as if i am in need of some form of molly-coddling?

i don’t want to be pacified as if my whole emotional stability depends on it.

it’s almost like i am denied of my rights. to feel and think the way that i want to. without being treated like an underaged needy kid. 

 

i think

there is a need inside me

..to be independent.

 

so yup.

i am currently in d middle of driving practice sessions wit my mom.

and i have my note(s) that i bring (and refer to) while i drive.

simple one like: where to look, how many turns, what to do after stopping.

my dad was saying: learning to drive isn’t like studying in uni.

but to me i think, a lot of things are like studying in uni.

you have formal judgements. informal judgements. assesor. commentator. spectator. eyebrow-raiser(?). hokay whatever.

mudah2an,

tuhan permudahkanlah utk aku siap slesai urusan lesen memandu ni, Amiin~