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All posts for the month April, 2012

“not like that”

Published April 28, 2012 by crystalights

just because i don’t share the same views as you,

doesn’t mean i’ve never done teaching before.

and just because i have done teaching before,

doesn’t mean i share the same views as you.

 

just because i don’t agree with your way of thinking,

doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong or lacking with me.

 

yes, i am among the younger ones.

okay so i’m younger than you.

and this is my first full time job.

but still, is it logical to disregard what i think in place of your idea of: “they’re not like us”

what is this:

“they’re not like us”,

“they’re not like that”,

“they’re not at that level”, what, WHAT?

 

this is like you’re putting them into an “excuse mould” as if “that” is what they’re meant to be.

you want to say that they’re just “like that” because of their levels of education performance which is just “like that”. you’re saying it like it’s the most natural thing in the world and that it just happen to be that way.

but 

isn’t that a little degrading?

to insinuate a group of people’s  actual capacity to perform with their previous levels of education performance?

 

doesn’t everyone have their own fair share of potential?

 

so why is it when i speak of a different view you quickly ask whether i’ve never done teaching before?

how do you judge whether or not someone has done something, merely based on one session of their different views?

 

(i can hardly believe i fell asleep last night after that line -___-  ..maybe bcause i’ve been exhausted for a few days and by friday night after everythng, that was it).

kerana-Nya.

Published April 22, 2012 by crystalights

alhamdulillah

selesai minggu pertama bekerja.

 

stakat ni alhamdulillah,

wlwpun ada sikit2 mslh technical yg happen, tapi kirenye keadaan masih okay utk aku bekerja.

hari tu mcm ader panic skit sbb fingerprinting tapi aftrwards i informed my ketua and org dlm office so they know what’s going on.

so i think for me, it’s safer to come earlier than the office’ regular working hours.

at least takdela ramai sgt org mnunggu kt blakang aku bile fingerprinting fail (na’uzubillah).

 

anyway,

there’s a few pple tht i wanted to visit or meet, tapi stakat ni brgkali belom diizinkan lg.

now i think, i am more aware of the value of money- bukan nak jadi materialistic or mementingkn duit, cume bile kiter ada byk duit utk buat byk benda kdg2 kiter tak perasan duit tu sbnrnye satu elemen jgk yg memudahkan kita nk buat byk benda tu.. smpaila kiter kekurangan duit (hahaha).

 

beruntunglah org yg byk duit dan byk kesedaran utk duit itu dijadikan kunci ke syurga-Nya;

 

namun beruntunglah jugak utk org yg kurang duit namun terlahir jugak usaha-usahanya utk meraih kekunci yg sama.

 

hanya Allah yg tahu berapa nilai setiap amalan itu.

 

takpela.

utk setiap org, ada bhgn msing2, kan?

dan utk setiap bhgn, ada pelajaran msing2 kan?

pelajaran utk org2 yg ingin mempelajari hakikat ketentuan-Nya.

 

setiap amal kebaikan tu jgk sadaqah, walau bukan sadaqah dlm bentuk yg dilihat melalui norma masyarakat.

sbb segala amal kebaikan yg dilakukan yg diberi ganjaran pahala itu umpama satu amal kebaikan yg memberi sadaqah kpd diri sendiri.. melalui pahala yg diraih di sisi-Nya.

 

aku rase,

andainya benar sejak 12 hari yg lalu aku diuji,

mgkin byk bhgn yg aku dh gagal pun dlm ujian2 ini

sbb sabar aku lambat, marah aku awal,

dan penerimaan aku lambat, penolakan aku di luar kawal.

 

aku pun dissapointed dgn diri aku yg tak sempurna amalnya,

tak cekap pertimbangannya.

aku dh beremosi dulu, baru bertindak mencari penyelesaian

akulah org yg belum sempurna pembelajarannya,

belum lengkap tarbiyyahnya.

 

akulah org yg masih perlu dididik.

 

so

i think, no matter where you are

or what you have,

siapa kita disisi-Nya itu lebih besar ertinya.

 

bukanlah tak boleh kita gunakan peraturan rekaan manusia

cuma skrg aku rasa bersalah bila tak fikir utk cuba jadi insan yg mengutamakan Dia yg menciptakan aku dan segala yg aku rasai.

apa yg aku rasa aku dpt rasa kerana-Nya,

jadi bersalah lah aku bila mengenepikan-Nya dlm semua perkara.

 

 

work bits and things.

Published April 17, 2012 by crystalights

so today i went to work (brape kali nak cerite psl work, work, work, nih?)

hahaha.

sometimes talking about impersonal things are easier.

 

anyway,

i was sitting on my chair at my table (nk jugak bgtau ada chair at my table: mcmla logic klau tmpat kerja ada table tapi takde chair, duhh~),

smbil cube menyiapkan kerje2 b’kaitan gitu.

pas tu 1 of my colleagues dtg and dgn seronoknyer borak dan ajak mkn ptg.

 

and dier tanye psl my previous studies kat sane.

 

sbnrnye, aku tak tau mcmane pulak dier tahu.

smlm mase 1st day pn ader org tanye (padahal aku tak beritahu ape2 pun lg psl tu at that time kt org2 tu).

aku rase, org yg tahu adalah org yg interview aku je (ada 3 org), and then also maybe org yg terlibat dgn dcision utk employ aku.

and then i can’t help but think: i might have to be prepared for what’s to come in response to my teachng method (when i finally start teaching nanti), sbb i think: in some way, news can travel jgk kot, walau mgkin tanpa disedari atau tanpa apa2 niat buruk pun.

 

takpela, maybe diorg jst nk discuss and kenal2 siape calon pkerja baru waktu tu. so i think it’s ok. kot.

 

takpela.

i think i just want to try towards memakmurkan bumi-Nya through this job that has been given to me.

 

so.

jgnla takut sgt.

 

klau btul nak try buat sehampir mgkin dgn suruhan-Nya dlm pengajaran dlm kelas nnti,

then jgnla takut sgt.

 

note to self: jgnla berburuk sangka. you don’t even truly know them, you don’t have the right to jump into early conclusions about them. have a little faith.

hakikatnya, the best thing that could ever happen to any one of us is having the nikmat of iman and islam. and as muslims, every little thing counts, right?

 

everything has a meaning when you’re a muslim,

because Allah has promised the reward for every good deeds and the reward for every good intentions of performing good deeds.

so everything counts.

 

jadi jgnla takut sgt.

 

pull yourself together skit, ok?

work it out.

Published April 16, 2012 by crystalights

so today was my first day at work.

 

it was okay.

except that i wrote the wrong thing on my library form (because org kt situ tak bgtau clearly tht dier nk “faculty” name, dier keep saying “department” instead pdahal dlm faculty ada diffrnt2 department/bhgn and courses), and then i made a correction which was ALSO wrong pastu by the time i got the right name of my faculty to put into my library rgistration, librarian tu tgok muke aku mcm nk telan and then dier ckp: “itu tak apa”.

(dier mcm tak nak btulkn je. shud i be worried?).

tapi takpela, at least i can already pinjam buku2 on my first day. and i managed to get the only (few?) cop(y/ies) of those important books that i need for my upcoming lessons. mgkin hikmahnye is that aku dpt pinjam buku awal & cepat wlaupun register library dlm keadaan tak properly confirm some things here & there. (klau nak tnggu all of those things siap confirm kmungkinan besar lambatla aku pinjam buku dan tak jamin 100% pun dpt pinjam semua buku yg aku nak pinjam). 

well, at least they got my name right.

 

and then when i did my finger-printing jari kiri aku tak dpt dicapture oleh mesin tu, means i can only use my jari kanan, means if anything happens to my jari or fingerprinting anytime in the future, i have to naik H.R every single time it fails its detection. org tu tak ckp pun i only have that one set of try, aku tak sangka after buat skali msin tak dpt capture then trus dier tak nak setting yg baru utk aku just because dier ckp nnti kene bwat semula yg jari kanan & setting yg baru (semule). so instead of ada data jari kiri dan kanan, my nmbr only have data jari kanan sahaja for my finger-printing.

(aku pun tak tahu why dier refuse, does it cost money, or does it cause an extensive amount of work + time, or does it require a whole new finger or something?)

tapi takpela, let’s jst hope my finger doesn’t fail me. means i’m not supposed to be late to work sbb klau finger-printing bermasalah nnti take time nak daftar attendance nanti rekod disiplin tak cantik. mgkin itulah hikmahnya.

 

walaupun aku ada this strange + complicated compulsion with things in my daily life where i feel unsettled when small2 things go wrong tapi aku rase i have to pull myself tgthr and just do the best i can in the best way that i can. key wordnyer adalah: “that i can”.

so i can’t turn back time, kan?

“that i can” refers to things that can actually be done.

wlaupun ada cacat skit2 (according to my painful standards of how work life should be), tapi just bertolak ansur je la (dgn diri sndiri & circumstances) at least for now. jgn smpai bnda kcik2 pun bleh drive me crazy & drive the people around me crazy, just stop being so crazy, okay?

maybe esok atau luse boleh tanye librarian klau dh dpt btulkan my faculty name & msukkan my new work email.

pasal jari tu, redha je la. mudah2an jari kanan tak bermasalah di detect setiap hari, Amiin.

and klau takut ada masalah detection, cube dtg lebih2 lg awal lg supaye klau ada masalah pun takdela ambik mase waktu bekerja sgt.

 

at least i can use my finger.

at least i can use the library now.

at least i have my access card, and pple frm the IT department pun dh dtg set-up kn internet + pc + work email for me.

at least i have been given my own workspace + table + drawers +desktop.

at least i have a job to go to.

 

kdg2 bile kiter fikir yg messy2 all day kiter mcm tak ingat pulak nikmat yg baik2 yg Allah dh bagi. (“kiter” tu refer to aku la. mcm tak biase pulak).

 

ya Allah, aku rase berdosa sbb asyik look at the bad parts je. ntah2 takdela bad pun, maybe it’s just me and my twisted pre-conceived notions of things and circumstances.

 

astaghfirullahalazim.

 

bukankah hari ini, bertambah2nya sbb2 utk aku lebih bersyukur?

 

alhamdulillah untuk semuanya,

termasuklah untuk pilihan dan kesempatan seperti ini.

work (and) things.

Published April 15, 2012 by crystalights

i have to work because: i’m not a student anymore. (in an official sense of the word).

i studied in school. then completed that. and then studied in that (pre-u) college. and completed that. then university. and another. and then it’s completed. (at least up until that point, that is).

and so here i am now.

 

with all the time, energy and resources i’ve utilized and consumed,

i can’t just not work. or study. or take care of a family or families. and the people- the ummah.

if i don’t work, but i’m not studying, and i’m not taking care of my family/families and my ummah, then what would i do?

if i do nothing,

what would be my contribution and purpose in life, after all that i’ve taken in order for me to live?

 

if i’m not a wife who takes care of her family,

and i’m not reaching out to my ummah,

and i don’t want to work,

then would i be content doing nothing?

 

if i just consume and devour and take and take and never ever give back,

then wouldn’t it be a pity to those who have worked so hard in order for them to be able to give?

 

so, yes.

of course going to work for the first time on my first real job scares me.

not to mention when you had to move away to a different place because of it.

it’s like “melbourne”: episode 2;

but the difference this time is that i’m not a student seeking for education,

instead i’ll be the one whose job is to educate,

(insyaAllah).

 

i’m supposed to be a full-time lecturer (insyaAllah),

and (insyaAllah) tomorrow will be my first day.

 

hanya Allah sebaik2 Penolong.

 

derailed.

Published April 13, 2012 by crystalights

a lot of things might have happened differently than how we planned it to be

 

as for me

i want a lot of things

a lot of which i think wasn’t entirely for me,

but still,

i planned and wanted them that way anyway.

 

but then, it didn’t exactly happen that way

like a train off its tracks,

some things went wayy off their plans.

 

but even then,

even now,

the thing is that, it isn’t your plans that sets the track

the one that sets it is the one that created you

the Almighty.

 

and so,

because it wasn’t your plans that sets the track, when things happen differently than your plans, it doesn’t mean that you’re derailed of your whole life course.

it could just mean that this is your track.

of course you have free will, and of course you have your choices and paths to choose, but you also have and will always have the conditions and circumstances that puts you there by fate & destiny that Allah has willed for you. you also have and will always have everything (else) fated for you, despite all or any of the choices you make. 

in fact, your choices and their outcomes has always been known by your Lord.

 

because the one who created you knows the choices that you will make and the outcomes of each path you choose or not choose,

Allah’s knowledge encompasses and surpasses all.

 

things might not be all bright all the time but

i want to have faith.

i know that this could be a test that i will have to endure

because a lot of times in the past, i didn’t really pass. those things that i’m supposed to endure and overcome.

so.

 

let’s do this.

 

insyaAllah, tuhan takkan menzalimi kita semua.

 

sekarang aku just fikir,

dlm keberadaan aku di sini

apa yg terbaik yg aku boleh lakukan?

supaya ada tempat utk aku mencari rahmat-Nya,

what is the best that i can do?

so i moved

Published April 12, 2012 by crystalights

..to my new place. yesterday.

 

insyaAllah work starts on monday.

 

despite everything that has happened within the last 3 days,

i think it’s okay.

 

i don’t know what to feel. but.

i just

want to be thankful

 

alhamdulillah.

 

maybe this is a new beginning

for me

 

this is the real world, honey.

welcome to the quarter life, self-survival phase.