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All posts for the month June, 2012

good and bad. and douchey.

Published June 29, 2012 by crystalights

because i’m a bad person,

i wanna see good people.

i wanted to believe that there are still good people out there.

 

how do you do this ‘don’t-be-a-douche’ thing when you’re like surrounded with douchey behaviour like 24/7.

it’s almost as if acting douchey is totally normal (and okay).

 

well guess what

i’m not okay with douchey-ish-ness.

it’s unsettling and it’s ugly.

 

and just so, so, ugh.

 

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against the current.

Published June 24, 2012 by crystalights

insyaAllah, tomorrow begins the 2-3 weeks without them.

exam’s over, and we’re in the middle of marking and/or marks submission. as for them, their term break has already begun. so it’s their holidays, now.

as for me, other than the marks submission, i need to prepare lesson materials for the upcoming short and long smester.

but no, it’s not that simple. a few things have been coming up here and there and disrupting my flow (but i guess i kinda just have to deal with it, perhaps, in my own way).

 

last friday i met the other group of students that i’ll be teaching soon. and of course, they’re not exactly the same kind of students.

i don’t “pick” my students, they are given to me.

and then i do whatever i can or whatever i am willing to endure to get them where i want them to be. (which may sometimes be quite a very long way ahead).

sometimes i feel like a lawyer.

i work around things to get them where i feel is supposedly the best position for them to be.

it’s almost like i’m carrying and negotiating their cases (minus the black leather shoes).

so that even if they may not be completely innocent, they are not entirely guilty enough to warrant a lifetime sentence of some sort.

i stall their fines or penalties, and find ways to work with their verdict.

i make appeals (in my own little ways).

i try to practice with them what to do or say or arrange so that things work out in the best way possible.

yeah, i do feel like a lawyer working with juvenile misfits sometimes.

 

but they’re not all that bad.

and i’m not all that good either.

sometimes mistakes happen, and other pple are involved.

some pple are not always okay with it. with the way i handle my “cases”.

sometimes i have pple making fun of me for giving a damn.

sometimes pple laugh bcause they think it’s funny when someone puts in so much effort for these number of faces. (but they’re not just numbers. or faces).

maybe because it’s not the normal way of how things usually happen in these kind of settings in this cold reality.

 

just because i care, doesn’t mean i’m weak.

just because i have the heart to actually give a damn, doesn’t mean i’m being impartial or emotional in my judgements.

i’m still me. i’m still doing my job and trying my best to follow the framing of my profession.

it’s just that, this is not just a job to me.

and the students are not just a bunch of clients for the institution.

they are pple, who are part of this ummah.

i don’t want their numbers to represent nothingness in the course of this lifetime in the support of our deen.

 

so yes, i do care.

not because i want to put myself in an emotional involvement with any of them,

but because i want them to do well as an ummah, not just as a student.

and some things require more effort than just educating in a classroom.

 

so i think,

bottom line is: i’m supposed to already be used to this kind of thing.

bcause sometimes, most of the time, pple don’t get it.

they don’t get me.

this is normal, for someone like me.

the roughness around the edges is tolerable because its value has already been known and acknowledged. if it wasn’t, then a diamond would be just a stone.

maybe this is what the world has come to.

that everything is screened for some sort of tangible value.

something for something (discernible).

not for nothing.

 

i’m not hurt.

i just have this strange need for a catharsis.

i’m just being me rite now,

so i guess i just am. me.

hati. have patience.

Published June 20, 2012 by crystalights

sabarlah hati.

bukankah utusan Tuhan telah bersabda

sabar yg paling tinggi itulah pd permulaan.

permulaan berlakunya musibah itu.

 

tawakal means berserah pd Dia, kan.

maksudnya kita percaye Dia, kan. 

percaye bhw Dia takkan menzalimi kita.

Dia akan meletakkan kita di mana kita patut diletakkan.

akan beri kita apa yg patut kita terima.

akan tentukan apa yg patut kita hadapi.

cuma Dia shj yg tahu apa yg terbaik untuk kita.

 

sabarlah hati.

just one night and one day,

and then insyaAllah we’ll just let things work their way.

 

we do what we can

and then we just let Allah decide, because Allah’s the only one who can.

are you happy now

Published June 18, 2012 by crystalights

these cple of days i guess i kinda felt a little strange.

it could be because it’s nearing tht time of the mnth again, idek.

but it’s weird if u keep listening to adele’s “don’t you remember” rpeatedly and then bawl your eyes out as if you have any idea what love is.

and the littlest things pisses you off like when your friend’s gving you “the look” bcause you’re taking a bit too long choosing the right ice-cream.

and then you feel so annoyed because how could anyone be annoyed at you for carefully choosing an ice-cream?

whatever.

sometimes i don’t undrstnd why pple don’t care about the little things that could’ve made them happy.

i mean, to have ME as a friend, wouldn’t anyone be happy? hahahah
(even when i do have my moments when i annoy the hell out of pple).

but anyway

no, i mean, wouldn’t you be happy that some pple care about you enough to help you to jannah?

some pple want you to know your deen, and your creator. so that you can learn to love Allah and be loved even more in return. so that there is a place for you to find peace and refuge in, on this earth. and you can also have a place for you in heaven when the time comes for you to go.

so that you can undrstnd that the world isn’t a dead end, and there is a purpose you are created.

 

so why
is it difficult to be happy?

why

Published June 14, 2012 by crystalights

i guess i’m jst tired.

and i can’t forget what you said.

 

just bcause you think he’s not a ‘practicing’ personnel and has no industrial experience,

it doesn’t mean his capabilities or qualifications are irrelevant.

 

i felt like it was almost an insult to me too.

because i am someone who came with qualifications but i don’t have years of experience too.

are you going to deny a person’s capabilities on such grounds?

does the effort pple put in to complete their studies mean nothing to you?

 

at least that is his major. it is one that is not the same as yours.

what is your point in telling me all that?

are you trying to say that he is not worthy of questions or consultations in the very field that he is majoring in?

are you saying that he is not worthy of a second opinion in terms of OSH?

even if he hasn’t practiced in the field (yet), it doesn’t make him any less suitable to talk about occupational safety with.

that is his course. he studied it. graduated from it. and is employed to start an entire program of it.

who are we to question his capacity on the mere basis of his suposedly ‘non-existent’ experience?

 

what about you?

or me?

can we say the same thing? about us?

should i be completely honest of what i think you’re capable of regardless of your “yet-to-be-completed” studies?

see?

aku rase takde org lain pn yg judge kau mcm tu because they know you’re getting there (soon).

aku pn treat kau as someone yg dh complete pun qualification nyer, bcause i believe that you are capable, that the difference is just a soon-to-be-completed paper.

 

mcm dier, wlwpun dier blajar part-time tapi dier still blajar. dan dh complete pun pengajian dier. dh graduate. dan diambil bkerja by the same group of pple who employ you.

if you’re questioning his capabilities are you questioning his employment and simultaneously your own (employment)?

 

do you think of yourself the same way?

do you know what i think of you?

 

if you wanna talk about a ‘practicing’ EH personnel, than couldn’t we say the same thing about you?

you have experience, yes, but they’re not all concentrated in this field.

like how your experience is more on public health research than being a ‘practicing’ EH or OSH personnel.

tapi takdela aku nak rub it in your face sbb aku tahu, utk semua org ader laa bhgn2 tertentu yg dier lebih tahu atau lebih mahir.

ada benda yg you know more than me, then ader yg sebaliknya.

itu perkara biase. tak perlu dirumit2kan.

 

aku just rase mcm kene tampar kot.

because i wanted a second opinion. from him (not you). because the thing that i have to do is the kind of program that he graduated from.

i want to understand.

tapi sriously, today i don’t get you.

 

maybe the earlier part of today you were just giving suggestions

(wlwpun aku mcm agak panas hati sbb you keep telling me what i already know or what i don’t have to hear sbb aku rase kau tak faham situation aku perfectly.

you keep telling me things like: kenape tak buat mcm ni, kenape tak kluarkn je mcm tu, mcm la salah aku that things didn’t work out at that time.

mcm la aku tak fikir dan tak pernah cube selesaikan dgn cara yg similar dgn ape yg ko ckp tu. mcm la aku a complete imbecile who doesn’t know how to do her job properly.

dh la ko ckp ko ingatkan aku dh siap keje aku sdgkn ko tahu aku dh buat ape yg mampu dibuat before cuti and even bile aku balik dari cuti pun masih ada lg yg baru submit paper, mcmane keje aku nak siap? takkan aku nak key-in kosong kot?

aku tahu la ko dh siap keje kau, tapi tgokla content kiter kan tak same. ko dpt finish lessons earlier, aku tak dpt. so aku just terime je la ape yg jadi, i can’t move the entire universe just for them).

but anyway, i guess i just brushed that aside kot sbb maybe you were just trying to help. in your own way.

 

tapi bile aku ckp psl the changes and the discussion that i intend to do, ko tibe2 feed me with your views on his lack of practice and experience and whatnot.

habis ko nk aku buat ape?

discuss with you?

and get what? an opinion of whatever you think is ‘important’? (like the rest of my morning?)

 

if i was the old me, i wouldn’t have let you get away with all that. sriously. sometimes i just think things like: “this isn’t even worth my time”.

 

how do you even let yourself say the things that you say when you know that everybody’s situation isn’t the same and evryone’s opinion might differ.

 

how do you even dare to question me of my knowledge of what his qualification is equivalent to?

 

i may not know everything, but not everything we know or have interest in is completely quintessential to evaluate a person’s standing in the field.

 

not evrything that you know is the ultimate important thing.

 

don’t have to be too full of yourself, just because you think it’s important doesn’t mean it’s important.

 

just because you think it’s right doesn’t mean it’s right.

 

just deal with the fact that you might not be right. that reality might’ve somehow escaped you and you end up trapped in your own point of views.

but sriously,

why can’t you see that sometimes other pple are not more wrong than you are less right?

what’s the point of a conversation if you only want to let pple know of how right you are?

is that a conversation. or a dictatorship?

 

itulah masalahnye

Published June 4, 2012 by crystalights

..bile hidup terlalu dlm kebergantungan kpd insan lain

aku tak suke

bile aku tak boleh buat pilihan sendiri

aku tak suke

bile aku terpakse mengenepikan ape yg utama utk aku.

aku tak suke.

sbb in the end it’s my life,

i’m the one who has to be responsible for the choices that i make

if i don’t even want to make that choice in the first place

then would it be fair for me who still have to be responsible for it?

 

aku tak boleh terbalikkan reality

aliran hidup pasti akan berjalan

 

this is how life works

not everyone would really think twice about pointing fingers

klau baik, bagus la

klau mudharat, salah aku la kot. sbb aku yg terima. aku yg buat kputusan tu (wlaupun sbnrnye dlm terpaksa)

 

so

i don’t wanna make that choice

 

aku nak hidup dgn tenang dan aman dan sejahtera dan penuh kesyukuran

aku nak bersyukur

aku nak rasa qanaah, 

bile kita redha dgn apa yg Allah bagi.

 

aku nak dia pun tenang

jgn fikir bhw akulah org yg rugi,

seolah2 aku deserve so much better

padahal sesungguhnya apa yg Allah bagi, itulah yg terbaik utk kita

 

aku nak dia pun tenang dan bersangka baik kpd-Nya

don’t let him think that i am wasting my life and my youth as if i deserve more

because honestly, i don’t think i do

i don’t think i deserve more than what i have now

sure sometimes i want more, but i’m not sure i do deserve it.

 

terimalah keputusan ni

kalau aku pergi temuduga kalau tak dpt takpela.

tapi kalau dpt jgnlah expect aku utk terima

sbb aku tak sanggup nak tingggalkan apa yg aku usahakan sehingga ke saat ini

i just want to do my best as part of this ummah

but filial piety is important to me too.

 

i don’t want to be only a chaser of the things that money can buy

i want my life to have more meaning than just the digits in my bank account

i want a peaceful and content life.

i don’t want to have many digits and higher position but be miserable and lead a less meaningful life because of the people and environment that i am working for

ya Allah, please make him understand

that no one has to do any “favours” for me to get “somewhere” and be eligible for “something”

that the favours from You is enough for me

it is You who have been with me all along ya Allah

 

You know me the best

please help me 

please make him understand that it’s okay for me to work hard in a small position and be happy and content and feel some meaning in my life

than work in a big position in a place that i don’t have strong faith and connection to and be miserable and work for something which is not meaningful to me

 

ya Allah 

tunjukkanlah kepada dia bahawa kecukupan yg sebenar2nya adalah milik-Mu

 

hanya engkau yg berkuasa menentukan apa yg terbaik di setiap peringkat kehidupan utk setiap insan

 

don’t let him think that i will live the same kind of life that he fears for me

because the kind of life that i live is not his to arrange,

it has always been a favour from You ya Allah.

 

ya Allah,

ajarkan kami erti kesyukuran.

 

jadikanlah kami org2 yg sentiasa bersyukur dan redha dgn suratan-Mu

 

Amiin

ya rabbal Al-Amiin.

 

i don’t want to wage another war of words against the very person who taught me how to read.