insyaAllah, tomorrow begins the 2-3 weeks without them.
exam’s over, and we’re in the middle of marking and/or marks submission. as for them, their term break has already begun. so it’s their holidays, now.
as for me, other than the marks submission, i need to prepare lesson materials for the upcoming short and long smester.
but no, it’s not that simple. a few things have been coming up here and there and disrupting my flow (but i guess i kinda just have to deal with it, perhaps, in my own way).
last friday i met the other group of students that i’ll be teaching soon. and of course, they’re not exactly the same kind of students.
i don’t “pick” my students, they are given to me.
and then i do whatever i can or whatever i am willing to endure to get them where i want them to be. (which may sometimes be quite a very long way ahead).
sometimes i feel like a lawyer.
i work around things to get them where i feel is supposedly the best position for them to be.
it’s almost like i’m carrying and negotiating their cases (minus the black leather shoes).
so that even if they may not be completely innocent, they are not entirely guilty enough to warrant a lifetime sentence of some sort.
i stall their fines or penalties, and find ways to work with their verdict.
i make appeals (in my own little ways).
i try to practice with them what to do or say or arrange so that things work out in the best way possible.
yeah, i do feel like a lawyer working with juvenile misfits sometimes.
but they’re not all that bad.
and i’m not all that good either.
sometimes mistakes happen, and other pple are involved.
some pple are not always okay with it. with the way i handle my “cases”.
sometimes i have pple making fun of me for giving a damn.
sometimes pple laugh bcause they think it’s funny when someone puts in so much effort for these number of faces. (but they’re not just numbers. or faces).
maybe because it’s not the normal way of how things usually happen in these kind of settings in this cold reality.
just because i care, doesn’t mean i’m weak.
just because i have the heart to actually give a damn, doesn’t mean i’m being impartial or emotional in my judgements.
i’m still me. i’m still doing my job and trying my best to follow the framing of my profession.
it’s just that, this is not just a job to me.
and the students are not just a bunch of clients for the institution.
they are pple, who are part of this ummah.
i don’t want their numbers to represent nothingness in the course of this lifetime in the support of our deen.
so yes, i do care.
not because i want to put myself in an emotional involvement with any of them,
but because i want them to do well as an ummah, not just as a student.
and some things require more effort than just educating in a classroom.
so i think,
bottom line is: i’m supposed to already be used to this kind of thing.
bcause sometimes, most of the time, pple don’t get it.
they don’t get me.
this is normal, for someone like me.
the roughness around the edges is tolerable because its value has already been known and acknowledged. if it wasn’t, then a diamond would be just a stone.
maybe this is what the world has come to.
that everything is screened for some sort of tangible value.
something for something (discernible).
not for nothing.
i’m not hurt.
i just have this strange need for a catharsis.
i’m just being me rite now,
so i guess i just am. me.