All posts for the month July, 2012

not me not i

Published July 26, 2012 by crystalights

right now,

i don’t understand why.


why would you react the way you did,

as if you did not play a part in the consequences that you received.


i never really thought i would see the day

where a man boy would put his dissatisfaction above his roles and responsibility.


“i can’t help you fix yourself

but at least i can say i tried

i’m sorry but i got to move on with my own life”


it is not MY FAULT that this is happenning. to you.

it is your life. YOU are the one living it, not me.

i am NOT the one who moved the pen in your hands

i’m not the one who told you to disappear whenever you want to.

if you can’t take the consequences then don’t make that choice.

don’t come back acting like you’re the victim and i’m the reaper.


i don’t have the patience to tolerate this absurdity


be a man. and grow up.


crossed my mind

Published July 13, 2012 by crystalights


since i haven’t written as frequently as in the past

i figured: well, why not write more. now. since i’m on leave and is sitting all nice and comfy at home, heehee.


this isn’t gonna be long, but uh

3 days ago,

i turned 25.

(nak jugak ckp kat blog).



it was pretty much a normal day (except for the birthday wishes and all) i mean, i go to work, i receive messages, i leave work in the evening and bought something sweet to eat and then i go home. end of story.

i don’t party. or tell my friends to come out and entertain me. because i have work the next day, they have work the next day, we all have things to do, we’re adults now; *cough* cough*.



since i’m now a quarter century old, a few things did cross my mind.


but what i wanna say is that:

sometimes, if you think about the past,

everything hurts.


and the rest is open to interpretations.

(i don’t want to share more than what i’ve already written. some thoughts and feelings are private things. if you wanna know what i feel then you go ahead and turn 25).




the things that money couldn’t make up for

Published July 13, 2012 by crystalights

i think it doesn’t matter whether or not you drive a fancy car,

have a high position,

and a huge salary to top it all off,

IF you have no idea of what you’re doing. with EVERYTHING.


how can it be that the things that are just like the icing on a cake

is the only thing that is making an impression?

does it matter if the icing looks good if the cake tastes awful?


why would anyone be interested in bad cake?



a black benz is soo clichéd and over-rated as a fancy car.

secondly, bright coloured ties doesn’t necessarily match all the different pastel colours of your dress shirts, even if all your shirts look brand new.

i think that’s the thing.

because they all look so brand new and fully cuffed almost all the time, it’s like you never really got scruffy. you never really seemed like you’re doing something substantial enough for your shirt to at least have a single crease, or your cuff a little undone.

everything’s too clean and polished and tucked in for the rest of the day,

what do you do when you go to work anyway?


oh my god.

i’m being difficult and unfair again.

letting my intuition guide my perception.

but this time, i think it’s not just mere intuition.


i mean, do you know how you talk?

you say things like they mean something when they don’t.

although some people seemed convinced, but i’m not.

i feel like they’re insignificantly unsubstantiated.

it’s like they’re approximations or just random guesses.


and how generous you are with your own meals during working hours.

how you just order what you like and then after you think you’re done you just stop eating and waste food while you expressionlessly talk about people starving in another country.


this is wrong of me and  i don’t mean to look for flaws in you,

it’s just that i’m writing this because i am convinced that this is not just intuition on my part,

this is really the kind of character that is there so obvious for me to see,

i think i’m not imagining it, or allowing my intuition to override everything,

i think maybe, this is the kind of person that you are, at times.


but then

maybe a lot of people are like you

not all of them, but many, or at least some of them are.

the ones who talk the talk but doesn’t really walk the walk.

ones who say things and do things like it’s significant to them when it isn’t.

like they know and care about what they’re doing with the things that they have for them and the rest of the people but really, they don’t.

because money can’t buy good character.

money can’t buy sincerity and thoughtfulness and integrity.

money can’t buy a good heart.


money can’t always make up for the self values that you lack.


i guess sometimes

it might seem like you have everything

but they don’t mean anything much because of what you are.

the privileged ones

Published July 9, 2012 by crystalights

it’s been so long since i’ve written anything.


“pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer..”


aku pun tak faham ke”emo”an aku kali ini.


maybe i’m just annoyed. sgt. sbb i kinda have very low tolerance to ridiculousness. i thought i’m getting better at the whole tolerance thing, but it turns out some things still tick me off.

which is not good.

bcause i thought i’m better than that.

i’m not supposed to just be so friggin’ mad at those insignficant things.


takpela, biarkan je la.

walaupun aku rase ridiculous sgt2 someone saying on and on about where she’s been and what she had and repeating her entire academic history to me as if i care as if i have no idea what it’s like to be there the way she has, and all the while,

i keep thinking,

how dare you say it and flaunt it like you deserved it, you privileged daughter of the bourgeois.

you who’re born with a silver spoon and platter, with your fancy prep school prepped up for you

what do you have which isn’t already handed in to you?

what is it exactly can you be proud of? that you worked hard enough in an almost perfect setting that was already set-up just for you?

do you think that the rest of the world doesn’t get what you got because they didn’t deserve it?

if they were given the same privilege i’m sure many of them would have done as equally well as you did, perhaps even more.

so what right do we have to put ourselves above the rest?


this money and position thing, isn’t exactly all real and isn’t exactly all that we deserve


so get over it


get over yourself.


wake up and see

that the world doesn’t revolve solely around you