i don’t want to

Published February 15, 2013 by crystalights

haven’t written for a very long time.

i wanted to, really i do but well life happens.

“trying to make it work but man these times are hard”

 

so what happens now is that you can’t always let or un-let things from happening.

 

you and i and us and whoever there is out there,

are not the only ones that this is happening to.

i can’t be the only one still searching for something to search for

(not that the ones before them have ever been found).

 

sometimes when i sit in my room i think about what i really wanted to do (despite life and every single circumstances happening to me)

and i think;

maybe i just need to be away for a while.

 

and maybe, i’m just tired.

i’m just tired of fixing everything, for me or anyone else.

 

maybe i wanna be on my own for now

i wanna know that i can dream and live that dream too

that nothing’s too impossible for the likes of me.

 

and the hardest part is “expecting people to trust me, without understanding why”.

 

but hey, if it works out then it’s okay

if it doesn’t then i’ll pay.

 

sometimes the unannounced “nearness” frightens me

because i don’t know and am not known by you (or anybody else) enough for you (or anybody else) to come into my personal atmosphere.

like that.

 

you come in too close too sudden and i disappear

and then you don’t understand my intimidated persona and you think i don’t like you

hahah

isn’t it so easy to misunderstand me

someone like me.

and then you don’t want to be anywhere around me at all any longer,

because hey, that pride’s got to be worth something on you,

it can’t simply be marred by the likes of me.

and then

and then i get it.

 

and then i get you. and them. and the rest of the universe for thinking and taking me at that preliminary start-off value.

 

and then i think i can describe it all  in one lengthy prose

like i could write literature based on something that seemed so miniscule as that.

 

but i can’t seem to find the words to say the best lines

the best dialogue, monologue, chattering conversations out loud

because i,

my heart,

it doesn’t want to.

 

i don’t want to.

 

maybe i can’t be with people right now,

i just don’t want to.

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