All posts for the month May, 2013

getting it.

Published May 27, 2013 by crystalights

you know what,

it bugs me that sometimes i don’t know what normal is.

when i don’t know what is normal to most people.

how do you react in a normal way if you don’t even know what normal is?


like when you’re in the middle of delegating tasks in a room and everyone’s paying attention but someone just walks off the door because he doesn’t like the idea of you putting him with people that he doesn’t like.


or when you’re in the middle of a very important point that you really need them to understand, and halfway through it someone just nods off and fell asleep, guilt-free.


or when you’re giving them the extra work because you know that they needed it (because it levels their playing field), and the way they react (and make weak attempts of rejecting it) is like you just delivered the worst news of the week.


so how do normal people react?

i can throw in a few sharp comments, some with very high-pitched sound effects, throw a fit or two, or even go angry raging mad. or i can do a little of that sarcasm thing that i always seemed to have going on.




i didn’t.

at least, not really.


bcause if i spew even a little bit of words, i don’t know how far i’ll go. or shouldn’t go. because my idea of normal isn’t exactly the same with a lot of people, sometimes i can’t make them get it.


sometimes, people get very offended first, and then they get the point at the very last bit. and some don’t even get it. (or get me). or get my point.

and then i’ll probably think: well that’s a waste of my braincells.


so what i do is i avoid screaming. avoid sarcasm.

i just skip over some things, resume on the total normality of it all, until they’re all in and all eyes and all ears on me and then i hit home- straight to the point where i want them to be.


except well, even that sometimes doesn’t work all of the time.


unbelievably surprising

Published May 19, 2013 by crystalights

yes, I’m thinking about a career change.

but I don’t want to be unreasonable to the pple whom I’ll leave bhind, so no mattr how much my heart feels constricted in my chest I think I will wait- for at least another couple of mnths. sbb aku tk nk bebankn saudara seagama ku.they are our pple too.

If they quit before me I won’t hate them. (I’ll jst claim overtime for having to pick up their hours. Oh & yes now we can claim OT by weekly hour count. Alhamdulillah. Means that I don’t have to calculate if the whole mnth exceeds 80 hrs bfore I cn claim (which bsically means prviously i nver get to claim jst bcause some weeks have holiday on them). But now if any week exceeds 20 hours then I cn already claim. Alhamdulillah, Allah has made things better for me. I can even leave early & come in late whenever I don’t have class.


You know, smtimes worrying about pple is amazing.

maybe bcause it nver really goes away no mattr how much you try to unthink them.
sometimes I can’t help it.

even when I think your attitude is unacceptable I still worry about how you’re going to live if u don’t change in the long run.

maybe bcause your way of speaking is a strong tell-tale of ths arrogance (?) i seem to sense coming frm you.

I’m not impressed nor have I ever been insecure. I don’t put high value on the things that you think is high. And at some point I am fine with the way things are.

I know that I am where I am now because of what Allah has given me, not bcause i am better than anybody else.
kdg2 bile aku tgok, aku cuba nk memahami. to undrstand you.

maybe you don’t mean to say that you’re better than others.

but that’s what you sound like all the time!

and I expect that you of all pple to know that what you seem to be saying is as important as what you’re really saying.

klw normal conversation pun pple are cnstantly reminded of how much more accomplished you are compared to them, then mcmane ko nk be with pple? mcmane nk b’gaul dgn msyrkat?

what about when you work with pple?

kdg2 aku jst t’diam & shutdown. sbb bnda2 yg ko ckp are so surprising to me.

aku rasa 1 hari ko msti nmpak apa kesannya. dan kdg2 aku rasa akulah orgnya yg kdg2 transparent hbis smpai bg ko nmpak how undesirable it is through my eyes.

I just hope I don’t hurt anyone. Or worse, turn into you.