All posts for the month November, 2015

the next one

Published November 30, 2015 by crystalights

i have another interview coming up (insyaAllah).

this time it’s a big deal for me because it’s a job i didn’t know i wanted until i saw the advert & just knew that this is it.

& as usual i always get so nervous before interviews (except for a select few which i don’t really care about).

why interviews make me nervous:
-nasty woman with mascara (bad experience).
-old men who speaks to you like you’re a child, with him going on & on about “the reality of the situation”.
-pple who, despite everything you’ve said to explain everything & show everything that you can do, still makes you feel like you can’t. & then makes u feel that it’s your fault for not having that specific experience in that specific area even though you already have the years of experience in your previous job, just not in that particular area. 👈 these kind of pple are not only never content with whatever you’ve got to offer, they kinda drag you down with their pessimistic POVs. (i stil remember how that felt like. it took me quite a while to get over it, it evn affected the other interviews that i attended after that one).

so yeah.

i think, it takes a lot to start over sometimes.

sometimes it’s not just what you have to show, but also how you defend yourself and take care of yourself after the battle is over.

because there will be more battles ahead & you’d want to know that you can fight again.


so. what next.

Published November 1, 2015 by crystalights

i think i have to try writing again.

with less audience. haha. i don’t know.

so a few days ago i had like a little freak out bcause of how some of the things that i wrote on my old insta posts might be misinterpreted by pple who used to be on my follow list (i hav my reasons for unfollowing pple evn though i’m still friends with most of them, and no, i don’t hate them).


there was 1 post i wrote aftr a particularly difficult day. and i posted it bcause it was a way for me to convince myself that i would be okay, & things would be okay again; & also bcause i was certain that the pple involved are no longr in my follow-list. it wasn’t a bad or a complainy post, it was a bittersweet, painful-but-we’ll-be-okay post. & it ws months ago.

but there was always a possibility that pple might misunderstand, idk.
and i hav already unfollowed so many pple i don’t think anyone would know.

& well, recently i just realized tht evn if u unfollow someone they can still know what you post if they’re following u (bcause u were the one who gave the permission for them to do so in the first place, whn they first requested to follow u). and u can’t take back that permission (unless they are the ones who unfollowed u). u can only block them. but if u block them it’d be like they can never follow u forever until u unblock them. and that would usually give a bit of a different vibe than the normal unfriend thingy on fb. like u never want to be friends. which is not true in some of these cases.

sometimes there are things that u want to hide frm your friends too, u know. bcause u feel better whn u don’t pour your heart out to pple who likes being friends with u but might not always get wht ur pain is about. it’d be super awkward and frustrating on both sides, and wht makes it worse is u can’t untell the story.
it’s not like an unpaced, editable writing.
it’s permanent.
etched in your memory of how there was this one time i told someone about what’s in my chest & then this prson just..not react in the way that i hoped they would.

so sometimes hiding is easier.

i like to express things as they are in a lot of things, but in some situations i prefer to keep it to a select few pple like my fmly & only a few friends.

it hurts less that way.

and i can stop thinking of explaining things to pple like i’m in 4th grade and had to explain to the principle why i left school early or when i was in 2nd form whn i had to explain to the school counselor + a few teachers about my family (a.k.a my sister of the same school). it gets awful smtimes. growing up having to explain everything to evryone bcause it’s so easy for pple to misunderstand & incriminate u or smthng.


that’s quite a lot of words, i think

i should get back to house chores now.