All posts for the month December, 2015

next next next. what.

Published December 31, 2015 by crystalights

so they gave us a presentation assignment for next week.

but it’s something in an area of discipline that is kinda completely new for me.

i’m not frm public policy.

but we have to present a chapter frm there & then have a section at the end where we include our own field of study that we can connect to public policy.

and i’ve started since the day aftr i got back frm the recent interview session, but it’s so hard. it’s a difficult subject to tackle because not only is it something that is completely foreign to me, it’s actually so broad that i can hardly find an exact direction of where i should go into.

when you talk about policy, there’s so many angles and sub-topics everywhere. I even looked up some of the notes frm Berkeley, but there’s a heavy economics setting by the 1st chapter, and that was just in Public Policy 101.

i’m not sure if it’s a good idea for me to end up in a field of study & work that is completely foreign to my previous academic history.. but i can’t really decide now.

i just hope that if it’s a bad idea for me to do this, then please let me realize it fast & stage my exit plan before i commit any further.

if it’s a good idea for me to do this, then please let me fall in love with it so that i can bear with everything else that comes with it.

i think i have to do this one first, before i make up my mind.

so yesterday i went source-hunting at their central library.

their online sources are pretty much okay.. but let’s face it: their offline sources (books, etc).. are quite ancient (frm what i’ve searched so far). i mean. they don’t even have the post 90s print of Anderson, let alone the latest copy.
their latest copy was like the 2nd edition of 1979.

i don’t know how to feel about that.

but on the other hand, alhamdulillah that i finally got my hands on the hard copy of May & Wildavsky.
(i tried searching online but there is no free preview for the digital copy. i guess nothing is free in the academic world. point taken).

i don’t know how to feel about everything else.

sometimes i think it’s amazing how much effort is put into something so full of uncertainty like this. even if they did offer me a position it’s most likely only a temporary one made available to gauge my performance some more while i wait for the likelihood of studying again for it to be used to most likely qualify for a full-time job under them.

it feels a little like..crazy. in a way.

so many likelihoods & probabilities.

& the reason that i’m not walking away now is partly because i don’t want to be the one who is blamed for not “using a valuable opportunity that is so rarely given”.


we’ll see how much i care aftr whatever torture i go through next.


again again

Published December 29, 2015 by crystalights

so today was the n-th time tht i went fr the intrview. with the same pple.

it was terrible. i was insulted & humiliated for asking a harmless question about the full names on the reference list. (because the list doesn’t state the full name. or publication. nothing). i was jst asking bcause it’s not my area of expertise so i just wanted to confirm the names in order for me to be certain that i dont make mistakes later on as i prepare my presentation. i wasn’t asking because i’m incapable of doing my own academic research (like she is implying through her spiteful remarks), i was asking because i just wanted to be sure.

it was the same person who insulted my previous work experience bcause i didn’t point out a 2nd subject that i would be comfortable with working.

& the last part was like a grp session & she blasted me in front of everyone for asking. & later on whn i tried to explain to the other panel she jst turned away dismissively.

and then the rest of the session was like insult upon insult of how we are unworthy of this position/scholarship/scheme & that there are many other pple dreaming to work there & do research through them & etc2.

earlier, even my tudung was insulted.

it’s like an intense 1-2 hours full of insults & deragotary comments.

by the time i got back to where i stay, it’s already like 2pm. (the whole thing was like since morning).

i don’t know if it was just some sick way of motivating candidates to work harder (by bashing & degrading them), but i think i’m sure as hell that i don’t feel motivated at all. i feel like everything that i’ve studied & all my experience amounts to nothing at all, if i think about how today’s session was handled. the way those remarks were made were as if i’ve never done academic writing in my entire life. or anything at all with my life.

as if i’m just asking for things to be given so freely. and then they justify it by implying that this is what other pple would do or say as well, because other pple are harsher, better, & faster than i am. like it’s okay for them to act this way because the real world is harsher & that i have to grow up faster.

but i am a grown-up.

i may not appear as dominant in a room full of dominant parties, or be extra exertive in portraying my self-image, or wear shorter scarves with patterns on them, or cut off every single answer just for me to be able to answer.

but i am a grown up.

just because i choose to not be as cut-throat in a cut-throat world in these circumstances, it doesn’t make my background & experiences & self worth any less than those who choose to do so.

emotionally, i’m so, so, bruised, it feels almost unbearable to think about having to go again next week.

i was processing the whole thing as i make my way back & then in the car i jst can’t hold back the tears as i recount what happened.

and this isn’t the first time pple were horrible to me in interviews, it’s like an array of pple in a position of power liking the idea of putting pple like me down, in situations where i am a mere candidate/applicant.

smtimes i think pple do that a lot.

and i am always hurt.

whatever i want to say

Published December 26, 2015 by crystalights

and this is my blog.

so i’ll write what i need to and be truthful because if i can’t even do that in my own blog then i don’t know what else i can have in this entire life of mine.

but i will be respectful and discreet so that no one is harmed in my writings but i am just venting most of the time here so yeah. if it’s not to your liking you can just leave.

it’s just that not everyone can afford to pay someone else to listen to them. so. some pple bungee jump, some pple shop, i just write.

leave me alone.

die trying.

Published December 26, 2015 by crystalights


i’m just trying to do my part.

if things doesn’t happen the way that they should then it would always be my name on the line (no matter how hard i try for it not to be).
somehow usually it’s always my fault. because i didn’t say the right words, or i didn’t say the right words in the right way, or i didn’t say it in the right way at the right time.

it’s like it’s my fault 99% of the time.

the thing is that, i try so hard but i can’t always engineer my words on point 99% of the time when pple are expecting (or even demanding) immediate answers on the spot. i can’t just not say anything either. or say, “sekejap tgh tggu jawapan dot dot”.

i am the one yg kena face these “askers” and i am the one who’ll be dealing with the consequences, so forgive me if i can’t say this or that perfectly on point so that everyone will be satisfied.

i can’t.

i can’t guarantee satisfaction at the split second risk of someone else blowing up. it’s like a time bomb ticking at the back of my head saying: now, now, now.

so if that is so terrible of me to be so incapable of delivering expectations, then i guess i’m sorry.

i’ve long accepted that i’m jst someone who can’t deliver everyone’s wishes perfectly and incapable of portraying their positions in a good enough way that is beneficial to them because i’m just not enough for anyone or anything. because i think no matter how hard i tried it would always fall short every single time.

and then i get blamed as if i didn’t even try.

but i did.

i guess it’s just not enough.


i don’t want to think about it anymore. there’s nothing more that i could do that i haven’t done.

at least i know i’m not lying.