again again

Published December 29, 2015 by crystalights

so today was the n-th time tht i went fr the intrview. with the same pple.

it was terrible. i was insulted & humiliated for asking a harmless question about the full names on the reference list. (because the list doesn’t state the full name. or publication. nothing). i was jst asking bcause it’s not my area of expertise so i just wanted to confirm the names in order for me to be certain that i dont make mistakes later on as i prepare my presentation. i wasn’t asking because i’m incapable of doing my own academic research (like she is implying through her spiteful remarks), i was asking because i just wanted to be sure.

it was the same person who insulted my previous work experience bcause i didn’t point out a 2nd subject that i would be comfortable with working.

& the last part was like a grp session & she blasted me in front of everyone for asking. & later on whn i tried to explain to the other panel she jst turned away dismissively.

and then the rest of the session was like insult upon insult of how we are unworthy of this position/scholarship/scheme & that there are many other pple dreaming to work there & do research through them & etc2.

earlier, even my tudung was insulted.

it’s like an intense 1-2 hours full of insults & deragotary comments.

by the time i got back to where i stay, it’s already like 2pm. (the whole thing was like since morning).

i don’t know if it was just some sick way of motivating candidates to work harder (by bashing & degrading them), but i think i’m sure as hell that i don’t feel motivated at all. i feel like everything that i’ve studied & all my experience amounts to nothing at all, if i think about how today’s session was handled. the way those remarks were made were as if i’ve never done academic writing in my entire life. or anything at all with my life.

as if i’m just asking for things to be given so freely. and then they justify it by implying that this is what other pple would do or say as well, because other pple are harsher, better, & faster than i am. like it’s okay for them to act this way because the real world is harsher & that i have to grow up faster.

but i am a grown-up.

i may not appear as dominant in a room full of dominant parties, or be extra exertive in portraying my self-image, or wear shorter scarves with patterns on them, or cut off every single answer just for me to be able to answer.

but i am a grown up.

just because i choose to not be as cut-throat in a cut-throat world in these circumstances, it doesn’t make my background & experiences & self worth any less than those who choose to do so.

emotionally, i’m so, so, bruised, it feels almost unbearable to think about having to go again next week.

i was processing the whole thing as i make my way back & then in the car i jst can’t hold back the tears as i recount what happened.

and this isn’t the first time pple were horrible to me in interviews, it’s like an array of pple in a position of power liking the idea of putting pple like me down, in situations where i am a mere candidate/applicant.

smtimes i think pple do that a lot.

and i am always hurt.

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