i don’t know

Published January 1, 2016 by crystalights

i’m really studying those chapters to figure out how to come out with a really good presentation. and it’s difficult.

but i keep thinking that if they weren’t going to take me on board can i know now & let me go now?

because i want to find other jobs and start work somewhere else. and i can’t even apply for other full time jobs because a) these whole sessions are taking up so much of my time for preparations and whatnot; and b) they’ve already said they were going to offer me an internship (but still no black and white).

and i am stuck here, thinking about working on something else but unable to do so because it’ll be my fault again for “not appreciating a good opportunity” if it turns out they are really srious about the internship offer.

they said they’re offering me the internship bcause my area of majoring is the closest they have to their area of discipline & they wanted to see how i perform in a few months before they make their decision.

honestly. i think i don’t care if by the end of the internship they don’t pick me. i’m like almost ready to run away now. but i won’t bcause i won’t give more reasons for pple (like them) to blame me for anything else that doesn’t fit in with their primrose hill image or whatever, and also, i won’t because i’m not a quitter.

there you have it.

my new year’s resolution would be to do my best and eventually leave for greener pastures if the pple i’m doing my best for doesn’t get it.

and i woke up this morning wanting to cry again but i didn’t really get to do that because it takes so much time to find things that can actually make me cry when i want to, since i am usually always stopping myself frm doing so at the most uncomfortable circumstances. (it helps me look okay when i am falling apart inside).

usually i run to my car after interviews & drive out & that’s when it usually happens nowadays.

but other times when i really need myself to cry a little, it’s so hard to even start.

it’s like i’ve switched off my crying button & its broken.

and this morning i had a bad dream of my little brothers and i kinda miss home.

i need to talk to my mom but i don’t want my dad to know. because it’s a heart-to-heart talk that requires hearts and compassion. for me.
i don’t want sparta.

so i’m just stuck here waiting for when i can talk to my mom.


i’ll jst go & take a shower now.

and hopefully survive the next few days, iA.


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