between people

All posts in the between people category

unbelievably surprising

Published May 19, 2013 by crystalights

yes, I’m thinking about a career change.

but I don’t want to be unreasonable to the pple whom I’ll leave bhind, so no mattr how much my heart feels constricted in my chest I think I will wait- for at least another couple of mnths. sbb aku tk nk bebankn saudara seagama ku.they are our pple too.

If they quit before me I won’t hate them. (I’ll jst claim overtime for having to pick up their hours. Oh & yes now we can claim OT by weekly hour count. Alhamdulillah. Means that I don’t have to calculate if the whole mnth exceeds 80 hrs bfore I cn claim (which bsically means prviously i nver get to claim jst bcause some weeks have holiday on them). But now if any week exceeds 20 hours then I cn already claim. Alhamdulillah, Allah has made things better for me. I can even leave early & come in late whenever I don’t have class.

*

You know, smtimes worrying about pple is amazing.

maybe bcause it nver really goes away no mattr how much you try to unthink them.
sometimes I can’t help it.

even when I think your attitude is unacceptable I still worry about how you’re going to live if u don’t change in the long run.

maybe bcause your way of speaking is a strong tell-tale of ths arrogance (?) i seem to sense coming frm you.

I’m not impressed nor have I ever been insecure. I don’t put high value on the things that you think is high. And at some point I am fine with the way things are.

I know that I am where I am now because of what Allah has given me, not bcause i am better than anybody else.
ee
kdg2 bile aku tgok, aku cuba nk memahami. to undrstand you.

maybe you don’t mean to say that you’re better than others.

but that’s what you sound like all the time!

and I expect that you of all pple to know that what you seem to be saying is as important as what you’re really saying.

klw normal conversation pun pple are cnstantly reminded of how much more accomplished you are compared to them, then mcmane ko nk be with pple? mcmane nk b’gaul dgn msyrkat?

what about when you work with pple?

kdg2 aku jst t’diam & shutdown. sbb bnda2 yg ko ckp are so surprising to me.

aku rasa 1 hari ko msti nmpak apa kesannya. dan kdg2 aku rasa akulah orgnya yg kdg2 transparent hbis smpai bg ko nmpak how undesirable it is through my eyes.

I just hope I don’t hurt anyone. Or worse, turn into you.

leave me empty

Published April 25, 2013 by crystalights

i am so hurt right now.

i am certain that whatever i do is not bcause of you

but it hurts that my choices are being questioned so frequently.

this lack of faith in me is truly astounding.

all of this is not for u, it’s never because of you.

because it’s not worth it to go the distance jst to pacify a person. like you.

because it will only leave me empty.

and I am so used to pple needing me but not really wanting me it’s not even funny anymore how i don’t want or need them back.

so if i’m not doing it for you, why should i explain my choices to you?

if you truly see me as one of your own isn’t it enough that you trust me to not cross the line?

what is it about me that is so difficult to comprehend?

I’m not asking for your appreciation, i’m just looking for a space where d entire world (including you) is not out to get me.

but i guess this means that that space is not here.

walk the talk

Published March 9, 2013 by crystalights

maybe i’m just angry
because somehow people seem to be able to walk away so easily.

something happens, you get scared, (or possibly overwhelmed by reality or whatever),
and then you disappear.

and i
i just scrape by, pick up the pieces,
fill in the emptiness that people leave behind,
and then i live.

what else is there?
you want in but you don’t want to be completely in.

you want something here, but you don’t want to pay the price.

you want and take and whatever it is that you think you could possibly divulge in,
and then you put in the path to that little “exit clause” and we’re supposed to accept that.
everyone’s supposed to accept that;
including me.

but i’m not “everyone”.

i couldn’t undrstand for the life of me, why anyone would choose this for reasons other than their own selfishness.

if things are so difficult for you, don’t you think it’s difficult for me too?

do you think i don’t have some twisted reality that i have to deal with too?

 

“i’m Bambi”, and nobody’s sticking around much anyway.

 

i thought that this cause is significant enough for people to hold on and move forward, but it turns out that leaving is so much easier, for so many people.

 

whatever.

 

hate to say this but some people are not even worth my time.

the privileged ones

Published July 9, 2012 by crystalights

it’s been so long since i’ve written anything.

 

“pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer..”

 

aku pun tak faham ke”emo”an aku kali ini.

 

maybe i’m just annoyed. sgt. sbb i kinda have very low tolerance to ridiculousness. i thought i’m getting better at the whole tolerance thing, but it turns out some things still tick me off.

which is not good.

bcause i thought i’m better than that.

i’m not supposed to just be so friggin’ mad at those insignficant things.

 

takpela, biarkan je la.

walaupun aku rase ridiculous sgt2 someone saying on and on about where she’s been and what she had and repeating her entire academic history to me as if i care as if i have no idea what it’s like to be there the way she has, and all the while,

i keep thinking,

how dare you say it and flaunt it like you deserved it, you privileged daughter of the bourgeois.

you who’re born with a silver spoon and platter, with your fancy prep school prepped up for you

what do you have which isn’t already handed in to you?

what is it exactly can you be proud of? that you worked hard enough in an almost perfect setting that was already set-up just for you?

do you think that the rest of the world doesn’t get what you got because they didn’t deserve it?

if they were given the same privilege i’m sure many of them would have done as equally well as you did, perhaps even more.

so what right do we have to put ourselves above the rest?

 

this money and position thing, isn’t exactly all real and isn’t exactly all that we deserve

 

so get over it

 

get over yourself.

 

wake up and see

that the world doesn’t revolve solely around you

wait.

Published March 6, 2012 by crystalights

sometimes when i am silent

it’s because i don’t trust myself to speak.

 

nnti dlu

back off skit.

 

this is just me trying to control my anger.

sbb aku tk nk cetuskan kerosakan yg lbih bsar klau aku bersuara.

 

i think

i don’t even wanna think about it right now.

 

aku nk try supaye aku tak meletakkan sesuatu itu bukan ditempatnya

especially utk org lain dan diri aku sndiri.

and i have to admit, the entire world doesn’t always appear to be supportive of my best-laid plans

but

what i cannot have from one, i will find a way from another.

because i believe that it isn’t what i feel that is above what i should fill in (as part of my duty).

 

you wanna know what i think?

lemme list em down:

1. klau aku nak pergi blajar ilmu mengenai-Nya, kenape aku nak cross over people, ignore their rights before me, and put myself above the rest of others? ini ke akhlak bile kita nak blajar ayat-ayat-Nya?

2. klau aku nak blajar sesuatu supaye aku dpt blajar ilmu tentang-Nya dan jadi lebih baik kerana-Nya, kenape aku nak ketepikan hak org2 yg berhak ke atas aku dlm pembelajaran aku kerana-Nya? itu ke cara utk mnjadi lbih baik?

3. klau aku nak lakukan mcm2 perkara kerana Allah, kenape aku tak nak bwat ape yg Allah sruh dlm proses aku nak melakukan perkara2 tu kerana Allah? adakah matlamat shj yg penting, tapi caranya tidak (penting)?

 

so that is what i think.

and because i think that way, so i have/want to try and do something in support of the things that i think of.

lgpun sape je yg ada utk support aku?

bukan sume org pun yg faham.

tapi aku tak nak salahkan sesape.

sbb pada bhgn2 tertentu dlm hidup kita, kita akan buat pilihan,

so,

to each one their own.

 

aku rase, aku dh buat pilihan

dan pada setiap ketika, hanya Allah shj sebaik2 penolong.

 

‘Say (to them O Muhammad s.a.w): “Sufficient is Allah for a witness between me and you. He knows what is in the heavens and on earth.”..’
Al-‘Ankabut (29): 52

 

 

work in progress.

Published February 15, 2012 by crystalights

esok mak nak bwat knduri.

ni bukan knduri sambut menantu ok, ni jst mkn2 ksyukuran sbb khatam. sbnrnye org yg khatamnyer tu dh lame dh, tpi sbb sibuk ngn mcm2 bnda, ngn hal aku grduation lg, ayah pulak dgn event kt tmpt kje dier lg, dgn mcm2 hal2 lain, baru mnggu ni la nk bwat mkn2 ni.

it’s a nice idea, kan? lgpn Ustaz Azhar ckp, sunat smbut kegembiraan dgn memberi (org) makan.

aku tk nk la mak masak beriye sgt, mak pun dh 50 smthng kn & these thngs can be quite energy-cnsuming. tpi ye la name pun knduri kan.

let’s jst let her do it the way that she wants to do it. lgpn dier mcm happy je nk jmput2 org ke tmpt yg nk dbwat mkn2 tu. siap ter “call” kwn dier pkai hp aku lg tuh, huhuhu.

aku tk pndai sgt msak lauk2 tradisional nih, so klau bwat kje2 preparation bfore+aftr skit2 tu boleh la kot. mcm siap2kan skit ape yg mak mintak.

tapi aku rase, maybe mak ingat aku nak ringkaskan sume bnda kot, haha. psl menu acar nenas dgn pajeri nenas pun tukar2 dlm dscussion ktorg, pas 2 psl cara nk bgkus mknan pun ktorg tak same idea, hahahah. dtg si ayah pulak terus tukar menu lauk daging tu, pas 2 selambe je trus gi kirim dgn kwn dier, sruh beli rempah smpai 2kilo. pas tu bile aku ckp tadi dier kater: “masak ni lagi sedap.” *sambil serahkn rempah 2kilo tu kt dapur dgn confident nye*. funny huh?

sbnrnye aku jst nk make thngs easier for her je, sbb klau sume sgt meticulous & precise aku tk nak la org tension2. kan best masak santai2 je. mak pun tak la stress sgt.

 

hmm. anyway.

maybe mlm ni lauk siap, insyaAllah.

insyaAllah pagi esok msk nasi nyer. dgn m’mbngkus.

mudah2an sume lancar, Amiin.

 

i was thinking about a lot of things tht i want/need to attend tpi aku tak tahu mcmane sbb jdual aku agak difficult skit kot. lgpn ader bnda yg klau aku tangguh dier mgkn akan m’lewatkn prkara lain lg, which might affect other pple and myself as well.

 

aku takut klau aku tak buat dgn sebaik2nya. walau org faham atau tak faham, smtimes kita sndiri yg knal diri kita. dan usaha2 ke arah tjuan pnciptaan kita tu pun barangkali satu nikmat yg tuhan beri yg mgkin kita kurang sedari. mgkin k’lemahan aku yg buat aku tak memenuhi semuanya.

 

ntahla.

mudah2an tuhan bagi ilham dan jln keluar t’baik utk kita semua, Amiin.

 

okayla.

dh nk msuk lewat ptg ni.

nenas pun blom kupas lg.

until nxt time,

ciao~