dear nana

All posts in the dear nana category

dear nana (12.8.2011)

Published August 12, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

 

i think i’m still trying to feel like i’m wingin’ it.

anyway,

astaghfirullahalazim.

kenape aku ni byk sgt fikir psl benda2 tak baik yg mungkin akan berlaku. asyik berburuk sangke je. just because i have heard of something bad in the past doesn’t mean that it can happen in the future. setiap orang mesti ada at least sikit kebaikan dlm diri dia kan. tak fair kalau aku nak label semua org yg berciri sama tu sbg bersifat sama. maybe they’re just similar, but not the same.

kdg2 aku rase i can’t help it. it’s like my own way of being on guard.

anyway.

i hope the parcels will arrive safely.

kalau dh smpai bgtahu aku, and also inform me what contents you received (so that i can be assured that nothing’s missing), insyaAllah.

mudah2an sampai dgn selamat, Amiin.

 

anyway.

today is my second day tak berpuase.

aku tak sangke aku dtg bulan dlm bulan ni. ingatkan bulan tu dtg bulan depan ke bulan2 lain ke. (mcm the previous ramadhan).

tapi takpela. terime je la.

after 10 days puase, aku pn dtg bulan.

patut la rase mcm bengang2 and emo je.

lagi2 bile interact with people dlm groupwork.

lagi2 bile people dlm groupwork for presentation tu ader lelaki ajnabi yg look at you in a certain way when you’re talking, almost as if you’re not what you believe you are,

lagi2 bile dlm aktiviti kuliah ader lelaki ajnabi yg look at you in a very unsettling manner when you responded to his points dlm kumpulan,

lagi2 bile dalam tutorial group pulak ader lelaki ajnabi yg look at you almost as if he’s scrutinizing what you’re made of when you talk,

i was like: *menyirapnyer darahku* (inside).

lagi2 bile ada subject yg related to planning and architecture punyer bahagian. yg didominasi oleh kaum adam. bukan aku nak anti-lelaki ke aper, tapi aku rase i don’t have to be an architecture OR urban planning MALE scholar for me to speak or write in a “sustainability” discussion, kan. 

issues of sustainability is part of the “environmental” discipline. it is part of what i’m studying. so even if i probably look at it in a way different than urban planners and architects or design students look at it, i still think that we’re not that much far apart in terms of what we’re heading for.

tapi tk tahu la, mgkin ni cume perasaan aku yg didorong oleh emosi dan sikit2 PMS je kot.

i hope it’s just me (but then again, do i?)

i don’t know.

 

anyway,

goodnite (aku nk smbung buat assignment).

 

regards,

-me-

(12.8.2011)

 

 

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dear nana (11.7.2011)

Published July 11, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

phn aku rsak, tk bleh switch on

pas 2  
kwn aku bgi pnjm phn
tpi balik dr kem dier trus cm tanyer bile aku nk bli phn baru
aku pn ckp la esok (which is tday)
pas 2 aku tgok, phn yg ader cam mahl2
 
aku nk jmat duit tiket tram jgk sbnrnyer ni
aku ingtkn mayb dpt la pnjm phn kwn aku 2 lame skit smpai aku btul2 ader duit nk bli things like phn
lgpn phn dier 2 pn phn lamer yg dh rsak sbhgn screen nyer
aku ingtkn dier tk ksah
agknyer sbb dlm phn tu dier ader smpn prvt thngs kot
maybe its hard to put your trust out there (?) i dnt knoe
 
sbnrnyer aku dh pnah ckp pn situation aku pd dier sblm ni
 
wlwpn aku join actvty n prgi kem, tpi 2 aku byr dgn mengorbankn bnda lain
 
dr kacamata kasar yg biase mgkn nmpak mcm aku tk prioritizekn btul2
 
tpi sbnrnye aku sndiri rse, itu la priority kiter
 
join actvty or event yg mengajarkn tentang agama kiter s’lg kiter msih belum ckup pengetahuan tentang Dia.
 
tuhan yg sruh kiter menuntut ilmu yg mendekatkn kiter dgn Dia, kan.
 
utk join actvty 2 aku budget2 mkn n also aku tak shoppng sgt pn (wlwpn wktu 2 aku kluar dgn org yg agak b’shopping).
 
aku tk bli mknan luar
 
aku bli brg rmh yg murah
 
aku tk bli new wintr boots evn whn my old ones have holes already
 
after that 1 wintr jcket yg save mney punyer 2, aku tk bli pn lg winter jcket kt sni.
 
skg aku bru ps byr sewa, i hav 2 fgure out how 2 srvive
 
tkpe2 insyaAllah aku ok kot
insyaAllah
Amiin
mayb ujian utk aku is studies, dgn duit time study.
sbb ini la yg agk menekan aku skrg
tkpela terime & berusaha je la.
 
smlm birthday aku.
 
aku dh 24.
 
kene grow stronger.
 
no matter wht i have to try to endure it.
 
i’m an adult now.
 
i’m on my own now. and perhaps in the past as well. on my own.
 
nnti bile kiter mati pn kiter sndiri kan.
 
asalkn kiter ader org2 Islam yg b’saudara with us, wlwpn tk slalu, tp at least kiter try la to make use utk ke arah yg disukai-Nya,kan?
 
it’s not easy tpi tuhan tau effort kiter kan.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

dear nana (2.6.2011)

Published June 2, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

 

i’ve just finished my final assgnment (for the semester).

esok tinggal nak binding je kot dulu.

tomorrow is my submission, insyaAllah.

pas tu boleh la start study utk exam pulak.

.

aku rase tak fair kalau org tu suruh kiter achieve all the best things in life tapi dier tak provide pun what we need.

aku try nak ckupkan aper yg kurang, tapi kdg2 aku rase kan bagus kalau org tu pun berusaha utk cukupkan aper yg tak cukup.

kdg2 terdetik dlm hati nak persoalkan sume tapi bile fikir2 balik tak baik persoalkan rentetan kejadian hidup ni

setiap org ada bhgn masing2

bhgn rezeki masing2,

bhgn ujian & dugaan masing2.

.

wlaupun aku rase penat

aku tak boleh stop.

kalau aku tak dpt merase hidup dibimbing seorg khalifah seumur hidup ni

utk tunaikan tanggungjawabnya sbg imam

then aku la yg perlu jadi khalifah tu

aku kene ada cita2 dan misi biarlah sgt besar dan berat pun

yg penting aku dpt puaskan hati sendiri drpd terus mengharapkan manusia lain utk memenuhi pengharapan aku.

mcmane la kiter ni tak twisted and cynical

kiter ni ibarat batu yg dh bermusim2 di kuis angin & iklim

lame2 jadi butiran2 kerikil yg menyakitkan

siape suruh biarkan kita mcm ni?

bila kita jadi siapa diri kita sekarang, wajar ke kita dipersalahkan?

kita tak dpt pun apa yg kita perlukan

kenape kita mesti jadi apa yg org lain perlukan?

kenape kita mesti penuhi harapan org lain?

.

aku istilahkan “org lain” sbb org yg lain sgt lain pendekatannya dgn kita

sbb org lain tak get what we’re going through

to spend every day thinking about how to get your life on the right track when the track that you’ve been pushed into your entire life is the track to nowhere

like when your entire life is ripped apart,

and it’s still ripping apart, just bursting at the seams

and you journeyed some thousand miles just to end up back to square one

i want to work hard but i want him to work hard too

i don’t think it’s right to just wait for a miracle to happen

to just wait for a happy ending

i don’t think it’s allright to just sit back and hope that things will turn around for the better-

life’s not like that.

no one can save you like that

no one can save us

no one can take this gut-wrenching pain away

that’s why i don’t like to lay my heart upon another soul

because i don’t think anyone deserves that kind of surrender

because i don’t think anyone can pay for all of my pain

for all of the things that i resent but had to endure

who can pay me back for the things that i had to let go of?

who can return to me all that i’ve lost?

no one was there all these while

no one is here now

so why would anyone be there when no one was there for so long?

even if they’re there, would they understand?

would they accept the fact that we’ve already been left to weather the storm for so long that they can’t change what we’ve become

because this is just how we are

.

dah lame aku sedih

tapi aku yg tanggung sendiri

aku yg pakse diri sendiri utk tunaikan aper yg dirasakn perlu

tapi apa2 pun yg aku buat tak memadamkan kesedihan aku.

but still, i have to do what i have to do

so,

adil ke utk aku bile aku sendiri ketepikan kesedihan aku utk misi aku tapi org lain yg tak berkesedihan tak ketepikan apa2 pun utk apa2 misi pun.

akhirnya, kesudahan yg mcmane yg aku boleh harapkan?

.

siape yg boleh bayar balik semua rasa yg aku rasa?

.

ader smthng happened kat area uni aku

takut tu tak pyh ckp la, memang la rasa tak selamat

tapi aku still redah jugak balik malam2 sbb aku tahu aku ader tugas yg perlu diselesaikan

aku tahu keadaan tak slamat utk balik lewat mcm ni

tapi aku masih ada tanggungjawab yg aku perlu tunaikan

rasa takut aku tak menghapuskan tanggungjawab aku

rasa takut aku tak boleh jadi alasan utk aku ketepikan apa yg aku perlu buat

.

semua yg aku rasa ni

siape je yg tahu dan faham?

cuma tuhan je yg tahu apa yg ada dlm hati aku

setiap kali aku t’rase sesak sgt kt dlm

setiap kali aku rase terhimpit sgt dlm hati ni

setiap kali aku get hurt because of other people

cuma Dia la yg tahu semua

not some random person who think they know me but could never really figure me out.

.

aku boleh je cerite mcm2 psl life aku

tapi cerite aku tak sempurna

sbb takde yg sempurna pun psl life aku

so terime je la

hidup mcm ni, inilah hakikat.

inilah kenyataannya

.

dear nana,

 

jgn dengar apa org lain ckp

kalau percakapan org lain tu tak layak didengar.

jgn terima semua yg org bidaskan

kalau hujah tak selari dgn tindakan.

jgn percaye bahawa ada seseorg

yg akan dtg utk selamatkan kita dari semua yg kita rasa

.

dear nana,

 

you can just block out all the empty words and harsh commands

because those words don’t come from someone who knows what it’s like

to bleed without wounds

and weep without tears

.

i’ll stop now

but i guess these words will keep on writing itself some day

because it just does.

.

(2.6.2011)

-me-

dear nana (16.5.2011)

Published May 17, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

even when there’s so much that doesn’t make sense,

i still want to hold on to them until they do.

like that book in my bag that i don’t want to return but don’t have the will to read

or that song in my player that i don’t want to delete but don’t want to listen to

sometimes i get so weird

i even freak myself out

.

i met some people today

FPI students frm UKM who came here on a visit

UKM gave them mney for a 1 mnth visit

not sure what program that is that they applied to

but hey

some people are lucky that they get to go back home after sight-seeing/cultural learning for a month

while some people just have to trudge along (not for sight-seeing) for as long as they’re supposed to.

i’m not blaming fate and destiny

i’m just patching up my wounds and rethinking things.

.

sometimes i don’t want to think that i’m here too.

i guess i feel okay when i meet people

but when i sit somewhere to clear my head

everything comes back right on

it’s overwhelming when you feel too much

kdg2 aku rase kalau aku bukan org Islam yg p’caye pada takdir aku boleh jadi gila

it’s like

you know that the sun rises and the seasons change and the world keeps on spinning

everything’s going and flowing and inching forward

and you’re moving along with time

but somehow

you know that your world isn’t entirely whole

.

it’s indescribable

.

and when people talk to you and you look at them

your glances are like a secret plea that no one detects

but you detected their secret calling

you know what they’re looking for

you just don’t know if you’re in a position to deliver.

.

so here comes autumn shifting to winter

i shouldn’t put my pic on display like this

but i figured since my face isn’t even bigger than the nail on my pinkie i thought it’d be okay (if not then i guess i could password this one later).

this is me.

in campus.

that’s practically where i’ve been lately. to and fro.

anyway.

life’s getting a bit tougher.

assgnment ribu2 perkataan. pas tu exam around some corners.

and this is off topic but,

i don’t think i can get married anytime soon.

i’m not done with things yet.

i need to fix my life. need to fix our home back home. need to fix the people of my country. need to fix the system.

i want to know that i have been to the extreme

so knock me off my feet

come on now give it to me

anything to make me feel alive

is it enough to love

is it enough to breathe

somebody rip my heart out

and leave me here to bleed

is it enough to die

somebody save my life

i’d rather be anything but ordinary please

it’s just that a lot of people are doing or have done that

and sometimes i get that kind of question (because i’m about to be 24)

it’s strange

for me to think about it

i don’t know.

am i marriage-phobic or men-phobic or relationship-phobic?

don’t i feel anything?

maybe it’s not that i don’t feel anything

it’s just that i have many things that i’m feeling already.

even the littlest things makes the fine lines amplify

so walking away from that thought makes it easier

.

what if you can no longer do  what you’ve always thought you’d do and what you wish to do just because someone decides to put a ring on your finger

what if he doesn’t think you have a right to realize your dreams because he owns you, dreams included.

what if you can’t be who you are anymore because you’re someone’s wife above all else.

bagi aku

semua tu pengorbanan.

yg sgt besar.

i’m not sure if it’s something that i’m capable of.

.

i’m not the best example of how a woman should be.

berkorban pun t’rse berat.

.

so okay.

i should stop

i probably wouldn’t really remember exactly what i’ve written come tomorrow morning because i don’t think i’m very awake right now

.

goodnight

-me-

(16.5.2011)

dear nana (29.4.2011) South West Field Trip Part 3 & holiday events.

Published April 29, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

it’s about time for my trip story update (yay!)

so frm what i remember,

we went to the beach in Yambuk near a windfarm

which is a farm where the wind generates electricity through windmills

if you look closely, there’re windmills on top of the hill.

here.

can you see it? here’s another one

the windmills are another concern to the people. it’s clean energy but they’re worried that it’s affecting the rare birds. (yup, it’s one of those biodiversity thing, again).

and then we went to tower hill

well there’s no tower, and it’s not really a hill

but you can view it from this higher location like a hill

well, there’s a long history about this place, but i think to sum it up is that it has lost a lot throughout the years (biodiversity, water capacity, heritage of some primitive civilization).

.

the next day we went to the warrnambool botanical gardens

it’s in australia but the design is highly english influenced

the long ones are the poplar trees

this is the money tree. it’s named that way because of the amount of money spent on prolonging the life of this ancient tree.

this one (on the right) is the australian native gum tree. koalas eat that (not the gum, but the leaves). but as usual, there’s no koala here (it’s a garden, not a zoo).

the one on the furthest right is an old gum tree with no leaves so they used it to generate a new tree (like having a baby gum tree from the mother tree).

.

before going back we went to the “12 apostles”

which are actually several stacks of stone standing in the sea

those 12 apostles are actually not 12 anymore..some of them broke and fell into the ocean

along this cliff are flocks of people moving through right until the end (it’s a tourist attraction). i’m not sure if the tourists really came all the way to see some standing stones or if they came because of the tourist attraction thingy. (maybe it doesn’t matter when they’re busy taking pictures anyway).

i can tell you the story of why the stones are the way they are, but i guess you don’t need that kind of information, huh.

.

we went to some other places like the warrnambool gallery and the ralph illidge sanctuary but you can’t take pictures in a gallery (although i kinda did) and i didn’t take any in the sanctuary (some major events occured in the forest).

.

so

what did i do so far for the holidays?

well, apart from assignments and mails, i went to the museum about a couple of days ago

it’s the grainger museum. guess who is grainger? that head on the right, yeah, that’s what he looks like about a year or so before he died. that plaster head was actually casted directly from his face by his doctor (creepy, huh?).

this is the piano he played before (he’s a composer/musician/artiste). it’s not a normal piano, there’s another sound that it produces (maybe it’s like a new-age music thing).

behind the piano is the black pyjamas belonging to his mother.

on the wall is written his wish for his bones to be removed from the flesh and be placed in this museum! so creepy. but the museum refused (ye la, sape yg sanggup nak simpan tulang kat sini?)

.

and then we went to the park.

and that night i went with another friend to the city

 

 

(pergi federation square).

 

 

ngn jln2 tepi yarra river.

the lights make that long structure look like a blue tower (i don’t think it’s originally blue. but it almost looks like a blue eiffel in australia).

 

it’s not too crowded. just a bit quiet.

overall i think australia’s quite big on designs and aesthetical values.

they seemed to like the light plays and reflexive structures and long asymmetrical lines.

.

okay.

i’ll stop now

(wanna go and sleep. ari ni ader hal sikit so nak tido dulu).

maybe until the next post then

(29.4.2011)

-me-

P/S: it’s the royal wedding today~

dear nana (26.4.2011) Part 2

Published April 26, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

today i went to one of my usual assignment spots

i kinda finished my assignment (proposal) early and submitted it online today.

alhamdulillah.

that was unexpected, since i was kinda researching, reading, blogging, emailing and writing a proposal all at the same time.

so i guess, starting tomorrow my cuti tinggal lg a few days (sbb dh few days spent on assignments). not sure where to go, but i kinda asked someone to come along with me to the museum or something.

aku still tgh serabot, but i have to try and clear my mind for a bit before i make any life-changing decisions.

.

anyway.

i have other assignment spots too

or places where i don’t feel like communicating with anyone

like here

all these places are not really open for public, kinda strictly for postgrad students only.

so it’s kinda allright when you want to find somewhere quiet and sit for hours reading or doing assignments or maybe just thinking about nothing at all.

it’s 24 hours access so just have to swipe/tap in and out with the student card.

.

good place to hide when you’re the only one studying this program in your circle of people.

.

anyway.

bile kau habis exam nanti, what will you do?

don’t tell me you’re just gonna plunge into that short sem and study (again).

what is up with this family and studying (the past few days aku baru kene sound pasal sibuk dgn assignment).

biar aku recall skit ayat dier camni:

“(you ni) your world asyik revolve around assignment je” (dkt autumn gathering last weekend).

and also mse on the way balik, sambil org tu nak ambik gambar aku bukak buku & buat assignment dlm train dier pun ckp,

“you (‘re equal to) assignment. assignment (equals to) you”

pas tu ader org nampak aku tgh re-draft my 4th draft,

“my god, perfectionist (nyer) you ni”

and so on.

.

aku rase benda tu normal je.

apesal, freak sgt ke buat benda ulang2 smpai satisfied.

yg penting aku rase okay, baru la aku rela lepaskan dan hantar.

kalau aku sendiri pun feel like my work is like shit, camane aku nak rase rela hati hantar.

tu pun dh msuk 4 ke 5th draft pun aku still rase tak kena, still rase mcm patutnyer aku touch-up lagi baru hantar yg lg elok.

.

pas tu bile aku dlm process mengedit draft aku and org tanye aku “ni nadia buat ke..siape yg edit?”

pas tu aku ckp la (aku sendiri yg buat) aku sendiri yg edit.

pas tu reaction nyer cam agak terkejut pulak.

ye la hbis aku nak suruh siape edit?

aku dah laa susah nak suke2 hati bagi people put their hands on my work, ini kan pulak nk sruh org editkan utk aku. aku rase tu hal besar. kalau aku bagi org buat benda tu ibarat mcm aku serahkan kunci constantinople sblm muhammad al-fatih smpai.

it’s like a huge deal of trust, respect, and consideration on my part (and quite a change of principles).

so maybe i’m obsessive-compulsive or whatever

but so what?

.

hmm.

my back hurts.

why do i find writing easier than talking (?) sometimes

i don’t quite know.

.

anyway,

until next time,

goodnight.

(26.4.2011) part 2

-me-

dear nana (26.4.2011)

Published April 26, 2011 by crystalights

dear nana,

i miss him

nampak tak? (ataupun gelap sgt)?

okay,

yg ni clear sikit

i miss them both

don’t you think that kids sound smarter,

 

when they argue?

huhu.

i think i kinda have a problem

which is: i can’t really think beyond this year.

i can wait until the end of the year to figure out what to do

but if i want to do it by next year i have to start applying soon.

if not then maybe i can just go back

but kakak usrah aku ckp dier risau aku balik pas tu lost.

dier ckp dh byk yg happen mcm tu.

dier ckp aku kene work on myself first kalau aku nak tlg orang lain, dier kater lg baik aku teruskan tarbiyyah kat sini for another few years sbb 1 year maybe tak byk yg aku dpt

aku rasa aku perlu balik utk buat sesuatu in my country

tapi aku pun perlu teruskan tarbiyyah mcm usrah, kuliah, majlis2 ilmu & gatherings and so on

tapi aku rase mcm tak larat la nak duduk negare org lame2

i don’t think i can do it beyond this 1 year period

if i stay

would i be okay?

would the people at home be okay?

tapi aku rase mcm pemikiran aku ni mementingkan diri

aku rase tak nak fikir pun beyond everything because it’s too much for me to bear

.

i’ve been ignoring career talks and internship opportunities

i didn’t even apply for continuation of studies and any scholarship so far

i can’t think beyond this year

damn this hurts

.

i don’t think i can really do more than what i’ve done

not because i’ve done a lot, but because i don’t feel like i’m strong enough to do more

ape yg aku fikir & rasa tak boleh nak menjangkau lebih drpd 1 tahun ni

aku tak dapat nak bygkan.

tak boleh ke aku berkorban?

kenape susah sgt utk aku ketepikan perasaan aku

ader byk org yg berkorban lebih besar drpd aku, i don’t know how they do it

skrg ni aku faham mcmane besarnye rasulullah berkorban utk sempurnakan misi & tanggungjawab dia

.

kalau aku nak smbung blajar lagi, it will probably take another 3 years

kalau aku buat internship or start working, maybe another 1 year or something

but whatever i decide to do, it is a commitment.

mcmane aku nak quit halfway once i plunge into it?

it’s not just a stay or leave decision,

it’s a commit or don’t commit decision.

.

i feel like i don’t know anything anymore

(26.4.2011)

-me-

P/S: 1 more assignment to submit tomorrow. pas tu i have the rest of the holiday (but not sure where i’ll go).

maybe i’ll open that gift book and just circle a place in this continent or something. and then maybe drag someone along to come with me.