important

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walk the talk

Published March 9, 2013 by crystalights

maybe i’m just angry
because somehow people seem to be able to walk away so easily.

something happens, you get scared, (or possibly overwhelmed by reality or whatever),
and then you disappear.

and i
i just scrape by, pick up the pieces,
fill in the emptiness that people leave behind,
and then i live.

what else is there?
you want in but you don’t want to be completely in.

you want something here, but you don’t want to pay the price.

you want and take and whatever it is that you think you could possibly divulge in,
and then you put in the path to that little “exit clause” and we’re supposed to accept that.
everyone’s supposed to accept that;
including me.

but i’m not “everyone”.

i couldn’t undrstand for the life of me, why anyone would choose this for reasons other than their own selfishness.

if things are so difficult for you, don’t you think it’s difficult for me too?

do you think i don’t have some twisted reality that i have to deal with too?

 

“i’m Bambi”, and nobody’s sticking around much anyway.

 

i thought that this cause is significant enough for people to hold on and move forward, but it turns out that leaving is so much easier, for so many people.

 

whatever.

 

hate to say this but some people are not even worth my time.

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don’t dream it’s over.

Published October 1, 2012 by crystalights

 

“almost had me thinking you were turned around

but everybody knows, almost doesn’t count

this is a lunch-time post. bcause apparently i don’t feel like having lunch today and i want my words to re-tell the story. stories. whatever.

 

some things just takes a lot longer getting used to.

but i’m not. trying to get used to anything.

“this is just a stop on the way to where i’m going”

 

after evrything of the last 10 days,

i think there is nothing that i could say that could even come close to conveying my heart.

so,

why bother?

it’s not like it’ll really change anything anyway.

in the course of a lifetime, would it matter

i’ll live with this. maybe not like this all the time but i’ll deal with it.

even when i’m sick and tired of looking at the roles and responsibilities unfulfilled by people to the point that i’m the one carrying that weight on their shoulders standing in on their shoes,

i’ll deal with it.

 

because it’s usually like this.

sometimes people don’t wake up from their daydreaming so the rest of them (who cannot dream) end up just slaving their days away to make up for all that is missing from all these people

and i for one, would love to dream a dream or two, but who am i kidding?

what is there left for me if i am the one left to pick up the pieces and fill up the missing gaps that people recklessly leave behind

i for one, can’t afford to dream a little more

because my dreams are expensive

they take the backseat because the ones in front are full of all those responsibilities left behind by the people who take flight and revel in their pride of disappearing in the moment where no disappearance could ever really be compensated with.

who knew, that people enjoy shirking their duties regardless of whether or not another soul is inflicted.

who knew, that selfishness is what most of the entire universe has always been populated with.

 

why would i bother to speak my words

shouldn’t these words be expensive too? as expensive as the dreams that i could not afford.

 

the privileged ones

Published July 9, 2012 by crystalights

it’s been so long since i’ve written anything.

 

“pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer..”

 

aku pun tak faham ke”emo”an aku kali ini.

 

maybe i’m just annoyed. sgt. sbb i kinda have very low tolerance to ridiculousness. i thought i’m getting better at the whole tolerance thing, but it turns out some things still tick me off.

which is not good.

bcause i thought i’m better than that.

i’m not supposed to just be so friggin’ mad at those insignficant things.

 

takpela, biarkan je la.

walaupun aku rase ridiculous sgt2 someone saying on and on about where she’s been and what she had and repeating her entire academic history to me as if i care as if i have no idea what it’s like to be there the way she has, and all the while,

i keep thinking,

how dare you say it and flaunt it like you deserved it, you privileged daughter of the bourgeois.

you who’re born with a silver spoon and platter, with your fancy prep school prepped up for you

what do you have which isn’t already handed in to you?

what is it exactly can you be proud of? that you worked hard enough in an almost perfect setting that was already set-up just for you?

do you think that the rest of the world doesn’t get what you got because they didn’t deserve it?

if they were given the same privilege i’m sure many of them would have done as equally well as you did, perhaps even more.

so what right do we have to put ourselves above the rest?

 

this money and position thing, isn’t exactly all real and isn’t exactly all that we deserve

 

so get over it

 

get over yourself.

 

wake up and see

that the world doesn’t revolve solely around you

why

Published June 14, 2012 by crystalights

i guess i’m jst tired.

and i can’t forget what you said.

 

just bcause you think he’s not a ‘practicing’ personnel and has no industrial experience,

it doesn’t mean his capabilities or qualifications are irrelevant.

 

i felt like it was almost an insult to me too.

because i am someone who came with qualifications but i don’t have years of experience too.

are you going to deny a person’s capabilities on such grounds?

does the effort pple put in to complete their studies mean nothing to you?

 

at least that is his major. it is one that is not the same as yours.

what is your point in telling me all that?

are you trying to say that he is not worthy of questions or consultations in the very field that he is majoring in?

are you saying that he is not worthy of a second opinion in terms of OSH?

even if he hasn’t practiced in the field (yet), it doesn’t make him any less suitable to talk about occupational safety with.

that is his course. he studied it. graduated from it. and is employed to start an entire program of it.

who are we to question his capacity on the mere basis of his suposedly ‘non-existent’ experience?

 

what about you?

or me?

can we say the same thing? about us?

should i be completely honest of what i think you’re capable of regardless of your “yet-to-be-completed” studies?

see?

aku rase takde org lain pn yg judge kau mcm tu because they know you’re getting there (soon).

aku pn treat kau as someone yg dh complete pun qualification nyer, bcause i believe that you are capable, that the difference is just a soon-to-be-completed paper.

 

mcm dier, wlwpun dier blajar part-time tapi dier still blajar. dan dh complete pun pengajian dier. dh graduate. dan diambil bkerja by the same group of pple who employ you.

if you’re questioning his capabilities are you questioning his employment and simultaneously your own (employment)?

 

do you think of yourself the same way?

do you know what i think of you?

 

if you wanna talk about a ‘practicing’ EH personnel, than couldn’t we say the same thing about you?

you have experience, yes, but they’re not all concentrated in this field.

like how your experience is more on public health research than being a ‘practicing’ EH or OSH personnel.

tapi takdela aku nak rub it in your face sbb aku tahu, utk semua org ader laa bhgn2 tertentu yg dier lebih tahu atau lebih mahir.

ada benda yg you know more than me, then ader yg sebaliknya.

itu perkara biase. tak perlu dirumit2kan.

 

aku just rase mcm kene tampar kot.

because i wanted a second opinion. from him (not you). because the thing that i have to do is the kind of program that he graduated from.

i want to understand.

tapi sriously, today i don’t get you.

 

maybe the earlier part of today you were just giving suggestions

(wlwpun aku mcm agak panas hati sbb you keep telling me what i already know or what i don’t have to hear sbb aku rase kau tak faham situation aku perfectly.

you keep telling me things like: kenape tak buat mcm ni, kenape tak kluarkn je mcm tu, mcm la salah aku that things didn’t work out at that time.

mcm la aku tak fikir dan tak pernah cube selesaikan dgn cara yg similar dgn ape yg ko ckp tu. mcm la aku a complete imbecile who doesn’t know how to do her job properly.

dh la ko ckp ko ingatkan aku dh siap keje aku sdgkn ko tahu aku dh buat ape yg mampu dibuat before cuti and even bile aku balik dari cuti pun masih ada lg yg baru submit paper, mcmane keje aku nak siap? takkan aku nak key-in kosong kot?

aku tahu la ko dh siap keje kau, tapi tgokla content kiter kan tak same. ko dpt finish lessons earlier, aku tak dpt. so aku just terime je la ape yg jadi, i can’t move the entire universe just for them).

but anyway, i guess i just brushed that aside kot sbb maybe you were just trying to help. in your own way.

 

tapi bile aku ckp psl the changes and the discussion that i intend to do, ko tibe2 feed me with your views on his lack of practice and experience and whatnot.

habis ko nk aku buat ape?

discuss with you?

and get what? an opinion of whatever you think is ‘important’? (like the rest of my morning?)

 

if i was the old me, i wouldn’t have let you get away with all that. sriously. sometimes i just think things like: “this isn’t even worth my time”.

 

how do you even let yourself say the things that you say when you know that everybody’s situation isn’t the same and evryone’s opinion might differ.

 

how do you even dare to question me of my knowledge of what his qualification is equivalent to?

 

i may not know everything, but not everything we know or have interest in is completely quintessential to evaluate a person’s standing in the field.

 

not evrything that you know is the ultimate important thing.

 

don’t have to be too full of yourself, just because you think it’s important doesn’t mean it’s important.

 

just because you think it’s right doesn’t mean it’s right.

 

just deal with the fact that you might not be right. that reality might’ve somehow escaped you and you end up trapped in your own point of views.

but sriously,

why can’t you see that sometimes other pple are not more wrong than you are less right?

what’s the point of a conversation if you only want to let pple know of how right you are?

is that a conversation. or a dictatorship?

 

living in the “now”. at least for a little while.

Published May 27, 2012 by crystalights

i think it’s almost a month and a half that i’ve been working.

work is okay, not all perfect and dandy, but it’s okay.

i am thankful, alhamdulillah.

 

i was just thinking about my plans for the future.

so

 

hi dad,

gimme 2 years.

i’ll (try to) figure something out so that i can fulfill that expectation in my own terms.

 

it doesn’t feel right to gamble my life for the sake of a career

but it doesn’t feel right to fulfill my own dreams while completely disregarding filial piety

 

aku faham siape yg berhak ke atas aku.

 

so.

 

maybe aftr 1 and a half years i’ll start searching.

 

anyway,

on a lighter note,

 

aku rase walau ke mane pun aku pergi

i just have to try to be someone yg berusaha

yg bermanfaat kpd diri dan org lain.

walau kt mane pun aku berada,

i have to try and do what i can.

bukan separuh masak,

bukan separuh hati.

 

i have to try and make the effort

sbb aku org yg dh take a lot from this earth from the favours of the One who created me.

aku org yg slalu meminta dan berharap dan byk yg telah tertunai untukku oleh Dia yg Maha Memberi.

Dia izinkan aku tamat pengajian selengkapnya dlm tempoh sesingkatnya dan izinkan aku kembali ke tanah air secepatnya.

Dia izinkan aku mula bekerja secepatnya dengan pekerjaan yg sebaik2nya yg aku inginkan.

Dia buka jln tarbiyyah utk aku saat aku jauh dari org2 yg selama ini bersama aku.

the least that i can do is to not just become a solely self-centred person for the rest of my life wherever i am, whatever my position.

 

insyaAllah,

i want to try.

insyaAllah, ada jalan utk kita.

 

ya Allah

help me undrstand,

and help him understand,

that this is the best that could ever happen to me at a time like this.

limpahkan kesejahteraan, kesihatan yg baik dan petunjuk yg sempurna utk kami semua yg meniti hidup di sini,

Amiin.

 

move along.

Published April 3, 2012 by crystalights

 jujur2nya,

this

is

quite

messy,

rite?

currently i am kinda in the process of packing

some stuff. for my 1st job-related move.

insyaAllah nnti aku akn berpindah ke tmpat yg baru

msuk ke alam yg baru (utk aku): alam pkerjaan.

ni m’mang b’sepah skit, sbb ada byk brg nk sort out (dan aku pun tak selera nak angkt semua skali. ke sana. so pilih2 la apa yg dikehendaki, hihihi).

 

truth be told, of course i’m feeling a bit conflicted.

aku balik dari melbourne december yg lepas. then, tolak mase urusan2 pncarian pkerjaan, urusan2 kluarge (besar), dan hal2 lain (yg kebanyakannya di daerah/negeri yg lain), aku rase mcm tak lame sgt jugak la aku stay kat rmh ni. with my fmily.

i mean honestly, moving to that place- damansara, scares me. perhaps a bit more than how melbourne was.

because the whole thing- it’s different.

it’s different now

and i don’t know if i am a different person now too,

but i know than only Alllah can help me gain the strength to do my best in this.

la haula wa la quwwata illa billaah.

“tiada daya upaya melainkan dengan pertolongan Allah”.

 

apa pun, tetap alhamdulillah.

sekurang2nya ada jawapan utk do’a ku.

 

let me take this path as a hijrah for me to strive kerana-Nya, Amiin~

 

P/S: kemas2 dan selongkar2 akhirnya dpt jumpa jgk jam tgn ni

they sent it to me by post last year for my brthday.

(i remember i once left it at preston mosque [melbourne] last december and i took d tram & walked all tht way to get it back; alhamdulillah i finally did get it). insyaAllah pasni bleh pkai gi keje ^__^

P.P/S: ya Allah please give us courage and strength to do good lillahi Ta’ala, amiin~