pain

All posts in the pain category

leave me empty

Published April 25, 2013 by crystalights

i am so hurt right now.

i am certain that whatever i do is not bcause of you

but it hurts that my choices are being questioned so frequently.

this lack of faith in me is truly astounding.

all of this is not for u, it’s never because of you.

because it’s not worth it to go the distance jst to pacify a person. like you.

because it will only leave me empty.

and I am so used to pple needing me but not really wanting me it’s not even funny anymore how i don’t want or need them back.

so if i’m not doing it for you, why should i explain my choices to you?

if you truly see me as one of your own isn’t it enough that you trust me to not cross the line?

what is it about me that is so difficult to comprehend?

I’m not asking for your appreciation, i’m just looking for a space where d entire world (including you) is not out to get me.

but i guess this means that that space is not here.

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i don’t want to

Published February 15, 2013 by crystalights

haven’t written for a very long time.

i wanted to, really i do but well life happens.

“trying to make it work but man these times are hard”

 

so what happens now is that you can’t always let or un-let things from happening.

 

you and i and us and whoever there is out there,

are not the only ones that this is happening to.

i can’t be the only one still searching for something to search for

(not that the ones before them have ever been found).

 

sometimes when i sit in my room i think about what i really wanted to do (despite life and every single circumstances happening to me)

and i think;

maybe i just need to be away for a while.

 

and maybe, i’m just tired.

i’m just tired of fixing everything, for me or anyone else.

 

maybe i wanna be on my own for now

i wanna know that i can dream and live that dream too

that nothing’s too impossible for the likes of me.

 

and the hardest part is “expecting people to trust me, without understanding why”.

 

but hey, if it works out then it’s okay

if it doesn’t then i’ll pay.

 

sometimes the unannounced “nearness” frightens me

because i don’t know and am not known by you (or anybody else) enough for you (or anybody else) to come into my personal atmosphere.

like that.

 

you come in too close too sudden and i disappear

and then you don’t understand my intimidated persona and you think i don’t like you

hahah

isn’t it so easy to misunderstand me

someone like me.

and then you don’t want to be anywhere around me at all any longer,

because hey, that pride’s got to be worth something on you,

it can’t simply be marred by the likes of me.

and then

and then i get it.

 

and then i get you. and them. and the rest of the universe for thinking and taking me at that preliminary start-off value.

 

and then i think i can describe it all  in one lengthy prose

like i could write literature based on something that seemed so miniscule as that.

 

but i can’t seem to find the words to say the best lines

the best dialogue, monologue, chattering conversations out loud

because i,

my heart,

it doesn’t want to.

 

i don’t want to.

 

maybe i can’t be with people right now,

i just don’t want to.

don’t dream it’s over.

Published October 1, 2012 by crystalights

 

“almost had me thinking you were turned around

but everybody knows, almost doesn’t count

this is a lunch-time post. bcause apparently i don’t feel like having lunch today and i want my words to re-tell the story. stories. whatever.

 

some things just takes a lot longer getting used to.

but i’m not. trying to get used to anything.

“this is just a stop on the way to where i’m going”

 

after evrything of the last 10 days,

i think there is nothing that i could say that could even come close to conveying my heart.

so,

why bother?

it’s not like it’ll really change anything anyway.

in the course of a lifetime, would it matter

i’ll live with this. maybe not like this all the time but i’ll deal with it.

even when i’m sick and tired of looking at the roles and responsibilities unfulfilled by people to the point that i’m the one carrying that weight on their shoulders standing in on their shoes,

i’ll deal with it.

 

because it’s usually like this.

sometimes people don’t wake up from their daydreaming so the rest of them (who cannot dream) end up just slaving their days away to make up for all that is missing from all these people

and i for one, would love to dream a dream or two, but who am i kidding?

what is there left for me if i am the one left to pick up the pieces and fill up the missing gaps that people recklessly leave behind

i for one, can’t afford to dream a little more

because my dreams are expensive

they take the backseat because the ones in front are full of all those responsibilities left behind by the people who take flight and revel in their pride of disappearing in the moment where no disappearance could ever really be compensated with.

who knew, that people enjoy shirking their duties regardless of whether or not another soul is inflicted.

who knew, that selfishness is what most of the entire universe has always been populated with.

 

why would i bother to speak my words

shouldn’t these words be expensive too? as expensive as the dreams that i could not afford.

 

T__T

Published March 27, 2012 by crystalights

“and i’m still waiting for the rain to fall

pour real life down on me

’cause i can’t hold on to anything this good enough..”

whatever.

Published March 27, 2012 by crystalights

bile aku takde lesen memandu,

people slalu have to fetch me utk usrah & daurah.

pas tu kene tumpang b’mlm bile hbis lewat bcause i can’t drive back and can’t expect people to be able to drive me back home and then for them to return to where they’re staying again.

pas tu bile ade urusan di bndar, i have to depend on people to send me too.

 

usrah & daurah tu mknan hati/minda/rohani aku.

aku tk brape dpt mknan mcm tu dlm urusan s’hari2 yg lain.

tak ckup munasabah bagi aku klau aku tk nk pergi usrah tanpa sebab.

tarbiyyah diri yg belum smpurna tak mengizinkan aku lari dari tanggungjawab semudah itu.

 

so today

i failed my driving test.

 

regardless of what i feel,

i don’t feel like talking about it.

 

di ketika ini, aku boleh nampak betape ramai manusia2 yg mcm takde sense nak tau nak tanye everything nak demand for an explanation of why i failed, where/which one i failed, why i have this look on my face, and so on.

 

mcm biase, people of the world doesn’t particularly choose which time they exhibit their harshness and lack of consideration. and lack of sense and lack of tact. and lack of self-reservation.

 

because i have huge reasons why i want to pass, i think it’s normal that i feel a huge blow when i don’t.

 

tak perlu kot aku nak jelaskan ape2. it’s not like you’re in my shoes, you couldn’t possibly understand what i feel and i don’t need you to understand. tak pyh nak ckp ape2. just gimme a break and leave me alone.

 

i’ll just have to fork out more money and put up with more people who can just freely spit words on my face throughout this whole thing until it’s finally over.

 

whatever.

don’t.

Published February 23, 2012 by crystalights

i don’t wanna write down what i wished would/have happen(ed)

don’t wanna put into words all of those that wasn’t put to reality.

 

“..regrets and mistakes,

they’re memories made;

who would have known how bittersweet this would taste..”

 

i guess today didn’t go so well.

in fact i think, a lot of things wasn’t going so well lately;

but no, i don’t wanna write them down.

i would rather count my blessings than count my misfortunes.

 

i guess this is my rough patch

and no one can save me except Allah.

 

astaghfirullahalazim.

 

jgnlah aku termasuk org2 yg berputus asa dari rahmat-Mu,

dan jgnlah perasaanku mengatasi perananku,

Amiin~

thoughts.

Published January 17, 2012 by crystalights

of all the things tht i could put into words right here

i think

this is among those that i don’t feel like i can write with ease.

 

but i want to put this in writing

because i don’t want to live in denial about this.

 

i know that a lot of times,

i respond with anger.

 

i’m not saying that it’s good or acceptable

but i think

most of the time that is what i’ve always known to respond in.

my anger isn’t entirely in words sometimes,

it could be jst the look on my face and then eventually,

it’s jst out there.

 

but sometimes (i think most of the time)

it’s jst that things can be quite alarming, to me.

 

and though this isn’t always about me

i was jst thinking that i always end up thinking things like:

“how dare you get hurt”.

“how dare you put yourself in a position so vulnerable to hurt.”

“how dare you consciously let yourself be so open to hurt.”

“how dare you.”

“..when all i’ve ever tried to do was save myself and my people (like you) away from it”.

 

i keep thinking that allowing yourself to get hurt is a luxury

because i feel that that sense of recklessness (and sometimes thoughtlessness)

is a reflection of the lack of concern and appreciation towards what you have been given with and what people has worked hard for (for people like you).

 

sometimes getting hurt isn’t just one small thing.

when you get hurt sometimes you’re not the only one hurting.

when you’re suffering sometimes it isn’t just you that is suffering because of it.

 

consciously i always try to be as careful as i can

just to avoid hurt/pain/grief/crises/problems/conflicts

because i don’t trust myself to respond in a way that isn’t aggravating the situation

because what i know is when things other than what i expect to happen suddenly happens,

anger is the closest least hurtful emotion there is for me to feel.

 

sometimes anger is my heart’s language

when things get too overwhelming.

 

maybe i thought that at least when i’m angry,

i don’t get sad

like when my energy is spent on being angry instead of weeping my hearts out.

 

so i guess

i always react in anger with such things

(even when i know i shouldn’t)

i think i shouldn’t be so angry

because i have to learn that i am a human,

i don’t have the power to decide everything

 

there are some things i have to accept.

 

sbb aku hamba-Nya.

 

i just want people (and myself) to be careful

so that we can make the effort to hurt less

to try and be in less hurtful situations

 

tapi aku rse aku pn kena terime

bahawe bukn semue bnda dlm dunia ni aku boleh elak dan bukan semue sprti yg aku inginkn

 

aku rse aku kena cube terime kenyataan

tentang Dia dan suratan-Nya dlm semue keadaan.