point-of-view

All posts in the point-of-view category

the fixer

Published October 18, 2013 by crystalights

cleaning up people’s mess is tiring.

i think, no one is really out there for the sole purpose of fixing the mess of other people.
even in Pearson Darby Specter, the “fixer” guy was a fraud.

yup.
not only a fraud but a murderer.

in hopes of preventing future mess, i keep giving people hell for the mess they make.

how dare you hurt yourself from your mistakes, thinking that you’re the only one who got hurt.

how dare you be so selfish.

and then as you put your goals above all else you paid them all with everything else around you-
even the things who didn’t deserve to be sacrificed.
things that are not yours to begin with.

i guess this is the kind of life you chose.
and i, along with the rest of the world have to live with it.

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unbelievably surprising

Published May 19, 2013 by crystalights

yes, I’m thinking about a career change.

but I don’t want to be unreasonable to the pple whom I’ll leave bhind, so no mattr how much my heart feels constricted in my chest I think I will wait- for at least another couple of mnths. sbb aku tk nk bebankn saudara seagama ku.they are our pple too.

If they quit before me I won’t hate them. (I’ll jst claim overtime for having to pick up their hours. Oh & yes now we can claim OT by weekly hour count. Alhamdulillah. Means that I don’t have to calculate if the whole mnth exceeds 80 hrs bfore I cn claim (which bsically means prviously i nver get to claim jst bcause some weeks have holiday on them). But now if any week exceeds 20 hours then I cn already claim. Alhamdulillah, Allah has made things better for me. I can even leave early & come in late whenever I don’t have class.

*

You know, smtimes worrying about pple is amazing.

maybe bcause it nver really goes away no mattr how much you try to unthink them.
sometimes I can’t help it.

even when I think your attitude is unacceptable I still worry about how you’re going to live if u don’t change in the long run.

maybe bcause your way of speaking is a strong tell-tale of ths arrogance (?) i seem to sense coming frm you.

I’m not impressed nor have I ever been insecure. I don’t put high value on the things that you think is high. And at some point I am fine with the way things are.

I know that I am where I am now because of what Allah has given me, not bcause i am better than anybody else.
ee
kdg2 bile aku tgok, aku cuba nk memahami. to undrstand you.

maybe you don’t mean to say that you’re better than others.

but that’s what you sound like all the time!

and I expect that you of all pple to know that what you seem to be saying is as important as what you’re really saying.

klw normal conversation pun pple are cnstantly reminded of how much more accomplished you are compared to them, then mcmane ko nk be with pple? mcmane nk b’gaul dgn msyrkat?

what about when you work with pple?

kdg2 aku jst t’diam & shutdown. sbb bnda2 yg ko ckp are so surprising to me.

aku rasa 1 hari ko msti nmpak apa kesannya. dan kdg2 aku rasa akulah orgnya yg kdg2 transparent hbis smpai bg ko nmpak how undesirable it is through my eyes.

I just hope I don’t hurt anyone. Or worse, turn into you.

i don’t want to

Published February 15, 2013 by crystalights

haven’t written for a very long time.

i wanted to, really i do but well life happens.

“trying to make it work but man these times are hard”

 

so what happens now is that you can’t always let or un-let things from happening.

 

you and i and us and whoever there is out there,

are not the only ones that this is happening to.

i can’t be the only one still searching for something to search for

(not that the ones before them have ever been found).

 

sometimes when i sit in my room i think about what i really wanted to do (despite life and every single circumstances happening to me)

and i think;

maybe i just need to be away for a while.

 

and maybe, i’m just tired.

i’m just tired of fixing everything, for me or anyone else.

 

maybe i wanna be on my own for now

i wanna know that i can dream and live that dream too

that nothing’s too impossible for the likes of me.

 

and the hardest part is “expecting people to trust me, without understanding why”.

 

but hey, if it works out then it’s okay

if it doesn’t then i’ll pay.

 

sometimes the unannounced “nearness” frightens me

because i don’t know and am not known by you (or anybody else) enough for you (or anybody else) to come into my personal atmosphere.

like that.

 

you come in too close too sudden and i disappear

and then you don’t understand my intimidated persona and you think i don’t like you

hahah

isn’t it so easy to misunderstand me

someone like me.

and then you don’t want to be anywhere around me at all any longer,

because hey, that pride’s got to be worth something on you,

it can’t simply be marred by the likes of me.

and then

and then i get it.

 

and then i get you. and them. and the rest of the universe for thinking and taking me at that preliminary start-off value.

 

and then i think i can describe it all  in one lengthy prose

like i could write literature based on something that seemed so miniscule as that.

 

but i can’t seem to find the words to say the best lines

the best dialogue, monologue, chattering conversations out loud

because i,

my heart,

it doesn’t want to.

 

i don’t want to.

 

maybe i can’t be with people right now,

i just don’t want to.

don’t dream it’s over.

Published October 1, 2012 by crystalights

 

“almost had me thinking you were turned around

but everybody knows, almost doesn’t count

this is a lunch-time post. bcause apparently i don’t feel like having lunch today and i want my words to re-tell the story. stories. whatever.

 

some things just takes a lot longer getting used to.

but i’m not. trying to get used to anything.

“this is just a stop on the way to where i’m going”

 

after evrything of the last 10 days,

i think there is nothing that i could say that could even come close to conveying my heart.

so,

why bother?

it’s not like it’ll really change anything anyway.

in the course of a lifetime, would it matter

i’ll live with this. maybe not like this all the time but i’ll deal with it.

even when i’m sick and tired of looking at the roles and responsibilities unfulfilled by people to the point that i’m the one carrying that weight on their shoulders standing in on their shoes,

i’ll deal with it.

 

because it’s usually like this.

sometimes people don’t wake up from their daydreaming so the rest of them (who cannot dream) end up just slaving their days away to make up for all that is missing from all these people

and i for one, would love to dream a dream or two, but who am i kidding?

what is there left for me if i am the one left to pick up the pieces and fill up the missing gaps that people recklessly leave behind

i for one, can’t afford to dream a little more

because my dreams are expensive

they take the backseat because the ones in front are full of all those responsibilities left behind by the people who take flight and revel in their pride of disappearing in the moment where no disappearance could ever really be compensated with.

who knew, that people enjoy shirking their duties regardless of whether or not another soul is inflicted.

who knew, that selfishness is what most of the entire universe has always been populated with.

 

why would i bother to speak my words

shouldn’t these words be expensive too? as expensive as the dreams that i could not afford.

 

not me not i

Published July 26, 2012 by crystalights

right now,

i don’t understand why.

 

why would you react the way you did,

as if you did not play a part in the consequences that you received.

 

i never really thought i would see the day

where a man boy would put his dissatisfaction above his roles and responsibility.

 

“i can’t help you fix yourself

but at least i can say i tried

i’m sorry but i got to move on with my own life”

 

it is not MY FAULT that this is happenning. to you.

it is your life. YOU are the one living it, not me.

i am NOT the one who moved the pen in your hands

i’m not the one who told you to disappear whenever you want to.

if you can’t take the consequences then don’t make that choice.

don’t come back acting like you’re the victim and i’m the reaper.

 

i don’t have the patience to tolerate this absurdity

 

be a man. and grow up.

the things that money couldn’t make up for

Published July 13, 2012 by crystalights

i think it doesn’t matter whether or not you drive a fancy car,

have a high position,

and a huge salary to top it all off,

IF you have no idea of what you’re doing. with EVERYTHING.

 

how can it be that the things that are just like the icing on a cake

is the only thing that is making an impression?

does it matter if the icing looks good if the cake tastes awful?

 

why would anyone be interested in bad cake?

 

firstly,

a black benz is soo clichéd and over-rated as a fancy car.

secondly, bright coloured ties doesn’t necessarily match all the different pastel colours of your dress shirts, even if all your shirts look brand new.

i think that’s the thing.

because they all look so brand new and fully cuffed almost all the time, it’s like you never really got scruffy. you never really seemed like you’re doing something substantial enough for your shirt to at least have a single crease, or your cuff a little undone.

everything’s too clean and polished and tucked in for the rest of the day,

what do you do when you go to work anyway?

 

oh my god.

i’m being difficult and unfair again.

letting my intuition guide my perception.

but this time, i think it’s not just mere intuition.

 

i mean, do you know how you talk?

you say things like they mean something when they don’t.

although some people seemed convinced, but i’m not.

i feel like they’re insignificantly unsubstantiated.

it’s like they’re approximations or just random guesses.

 

and how generous you are with your own meals during working hours.

how you just order what you like and then after you think you’re done you just stop eating and waste food while you expressionlessly talk about people starving in another country.

 

this is wrong of me and  i don’t mean to look for flaws in you,

it’s just that i’m writing this because i am convinced that this is not just intuition on my part,

this is really the kind of character that is there so obvious for me to see,

i think i’m not imagining it, or allowing my intuition to override everything,

i think maybe, this is the kind of person that you are, at times.

 

but then

maybe a lot of people are like you

not all of them, but many, or at least some of them are.

the ones who talk the talk but doesn’t really walk the walk.

ones who say things and do things like it’s significant to them when it isn’t.

like they know and care about what they’re doing with the things that they have for them and the rest of the people but really, they don’t.

because money can’t buy good character.

money can’t buy sincerity and thoughtfulness and integrity.

money can’t buy a good heart.

 

money can’t always make up for the self values that you lack.

so

i guess sometimes

it might seem like you have everything

but they don’t mean anything much because of what you are.

good and bad. and douchey.

Published June 29, 2012 by crystalights

because i’m a bad person,

i wanna see good people.

i wanted to believe that there are still good people out there.

 

how do you do this ‘don’t-be-a-douche’ thing when you’re like surrounded with douchey behaviour like 24/7.

it’s almost as if acting douchey is totally normal (and okay).

 

well guess what

i’m not okay with douchey-ish-ness.

it’s unsettling and it’s ugly.

 

and just so, so, ugh.