stories and memories

All posts in the stories and memories category

1957

Published August 24, 2012 by crystalights

1957

is the year that my father was born.

for 30 years he has seen and known the world before i did.

.

alhamdulillah

.

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crossed my mind

Published July 13, 2012 by crystalights

well

since i haven’t written as frequently as in the past

i figured: well, why not write more. now. since i’m on leave and is sitting all nice and comfy at home, heehee.

 

this isn’t gonna be long, but uh

3 days ago,

i turned 25.

(nak jugak ckp kat blog).

 

so

it was pretty much a normal day (except for the birthday wishes and all) i mean, i go to work, i receive messages, i leave work in the evening and bought something sweet to eat and then i go home. end of story.

i don’t party. or tell my friends to come out and entertain me. because i have work the next day, they have work the next day, we all have things to do, we’re adults now; *cough* cough*.

 

anyway,

since i’m now a quarter century old, a few things did cross my mind.

 

but what i wanna say is that:

sometimes, if you think about the past,

everything hurts.

 

and the rest is open to interpretations.

(i don’t want to share more than what i’ve already written. some thoughts and feelings are private things. if you wanna know what i feel then you go ahead and turn 25).

 

so,

goodnight.

kerana-Nya.

Published April 22, 2012 by crystalights

alhamdulillah

selesai minggu pertama bekerja.

 

stakat ni alhamdulillah,

wlwpun ada sikit2 mslh technical yg happen, tapi kirenye keadaan masih okay utk aku bekerja.

hari tu mcm ader panic skit sbb fingerprinting tapi aftrwards i informed my ketua and org dlm office so they know what’s going on.

so i think for me, it’s safer to come earlier than the office’ regular working hours.

at least takdela ramai sgt org mnunggu kt blakang aku bile fingerprinting fail (na’uzubillah).

 

anyway,

there’s a few pple tht i wanted to visit or meet, tapi stakat ni brgkali belom diizinkan lg.

now i think, i am more aware of the value of money- bukan nak jadi materialistic or mementingkn duit, cume bile kiter ada byk duit utk buat byk benda kdg2 kiter tak perasan duit tu sbnrnye satu elemen jgk yg memudahkan kita nk buat byk benda tu.. smpaila kiter kekurangan duit (hahaha).

 

beruntunglah org yg byk duit dan byk kesedaran utk duit itu dijadikan kunci ke syurga-Nya;

 

namun beruntunglah jugak utk org yg kurang duit namun terlahir jugak usaha-usahanya utk meraih kekunci yg sama.

 

hanya Allah yg tahu berapa nilai setiap amalan itu.

 

takpela.

utk setiap org, ada bhgn msing2, kan?

dan utk setiap bhgn, ada pelajaran msing2 kan?

pelajaran utk org2 yg ingin mempelajari hakikat ketentuan-Nya.

 

setiap amal kebaikan tu jgk sadaqah, walau bukan sadaqah dlm bentuk yg dilihat melalui norma masyarakat.

sbb segala amal kebaikan yg dilakukan yg diberi ganjaran pahala itu umpama satu amal kebaikan yg memberi sadaqah kpd diri sendiri.. melalui pahala yg diraih di sisi-Nya.

 

aku rase,

andainya benar sejak 12 hari yg lalu aku diuji,

mgkin byk bhgn yg aku dh gagal pun dlm ujian2 ini

sbb sabar aku lambat, marah aku awal,

dan penerimaan aku lambat, penolakan aku di luar kawal.

 

aku pun dissapointed dgn diri aku yg tak sempurna amalnya,

tak cekap pertimbangannya.

aku dh beremosi dulu, baru bertindak mencari penyelesaian

akulah org yg belum sempurna pembelajarannya,

belum lengkap tarbiyyahnya.

 

akulah org yg masih perlu dididik.

 

so

i think, no matter where you are

or what you have,

siapa kita disisi-Nya itu lebih besar ertinya.

 

bukanlah tak boleh kita gunakan peraturan rekaan manusia

cuma skrg aku rasa bersalah bila tak fikir utk cuba jadi insan yg mengutamakan Dia yg menciptakan aku dan segala yg aku rasai.

apa yg aku rasa aku dpt rasa kerana-Nya,

jadi bersalah lah aku bila mengenepikan-Nya dlm semua perkara.

 

 

so i moved

Published April 12, 2012 by crystalights

..to my new place. yesterday.

 

insyaAllah work starts on monday.

 

despite everything that has happened within the last 3 days,

i think it’s okay.

 

i don’t know what to feel. but.

i just

want to be thankful

 

alhamdulillah.

 

maybe this is a new beginning

for me

 

this is the real world, honey.

welcome to the quarter life, self-survival phase.

move along.

Published April 3, 2012 by crystalights

 jujur2nya,

this

is

quite

messy,

rite?

currently i am kinda in the process of packing

some stuff. for my 1st job-related move.

insyaAllah nnti aku akn berpindah ke tmpat yg baru

msuk ke alam yg baru (utk aku): alam pkerjaan.

ni m’mang b’sepah skit, sbb ada byk brg nk sort out (dan aku pun tak selera nak angkt semua skali. ke sana. so pilih2 la apa yg dikehendaki, hihihi).

 

truth be told, of course i’m feeling a bit conflicted.

aku balik dari melbourne december yg lepas. then, tolak mase urusan2 pncarian pkerjaan, urusan2 kluarge (besar), dan hal2 lain (yg kebanyakannya di daerah/negeri yg lain), aku rase mcm tak lame sgt jugak la aku stay kat rmh ni. with my fmily.

i mean honestly, moving to that place- damansara, scares me. perhaps a bit more than how melbourne was.

because the whole thing- it’s different.

it’s different now

and i don’t know if i am a different person now too,

but i know than only Alllah can help me gain the strength to do my best in this.

la haula wa la quwwata illa billaah.

“tiada daya upaya melainkan dengan pertolongan Allah”.

 

apa pun, tetap alhamdulillah.

sekurang2nya ada jawapan utk do’a ku.

 

let me take this path as a hijrah for me to strive kerana-Nya, Amiin~

 

P/S: kemas2 dan selongkar2 akhirnya dpt jumpa jgk jam tgn ni

they sent it to me by post last year for my brthday.

(i remember i once left it at preston mosque [melbourne] last december and i took d tram & walked all tht way to get it back; alhamdulillah i finally did get it). insyaAllah pasni bleh pkai gi keje ^__^

P.P/S: ya Allah please give us courage and strength to do good lillahi Ta’ala, amiin~

driving drama.

Published March 4, 2012 by crystalights

minggu ni kire mcm..minggu practise memandu.

sbnrnye smtimes i think i feel uncomfortable driving under supervision/evaluation.

but.

i have to be able to drive jgk. so that i don’t have to dpend on pple bile ader urusan2 penting yg perlu aku hadapi.

kebergantungan pada manusia..buat aku rasa tak tenang.

my previous memories of human dependency..wasn’t all that great.

smtimes i think it’s frightening. to lay your trust on another soul. who, like some if not all human beings may tend to waver at some point of their lives because we ARE humans.

 

i feel uncomfortable when my instructor kinda “prep-talk” me after lessons

because i don’t want to be placated.

i don’t want some stranger tell me what i should or shouldn’t feel when driving gets tough for me.

i feel like that is an invasion of my right to feel/mourn/wallow/think/ponder/whatever.

what i feel, isn’t it private?

if i’m worried about driving, isn’t it my right to worry and/or think?

why do i need to be consoled as if i am in need of some form of molly-coddling?

i don’t want to be pacified as if my whole emotional stability depends on it.

it’s almost like i am denied of my rights. to feel and think the way that i want to. without being treated like an underaged needy kid. 

 

i think

there is a need inside me

..to be independent.

 

so yup.

i am currently in d middle of driving practice sessions wit my mom.

and i have my note(s) that i bring (and refer to) while i drive.

simple one like: where to look, how many turns, what to do after stopping.

my dad was saying: learning to drive isn’t like studying in uni.

but to me i think, a lot of things are like studying in uni.

you have formal judgements. informal judgements. assesor. commentator. spectator. eyebrow-raiser(?). hokay whatever.

mudah2an,

tuhan permudahkanlah utk aku siap slesai urusan lesen memandu ni, Amiin~

 

don’t.

Published February 23, 2012 by crystalights

i don’t wanna write down what i wished would/have happen(ed)

don’t wanna put into words all of those that wasn’t put to reality.

 

“..regrets and mistakes,

they’re memories made;

who would have known how bittersweet this would taste..”

 

i guess today didn’t go so well.

in fact i think, a lot of things wasn’t going so well lately;

but no, i don’t wanna write them down.

i would rather count my blessings than count my misfortunes.

 

i guess this is my rough patch

and no one can save me except Allah.

 

astaghfirullahalazim.

 

jgnlah aku termasuk org2 yg berputus asa dari rahmat-Mu,

dan jgnlah perasaanku mengatasi perananku,

Amiin~