thoughts

All posts in the thoughts category

unbelievably surprising

Published May 19, 2013 by crystalights

yes, I’m thinking about a career change.

but I don’t want to be unreasonable to the pple whom I’ll leave bhind, so no mattr how much my heart feels constricted in my chest I think I will wait- for at least another couple of mnths. sbb aku tk nk bebankn saudara seagama ku.they are our pple too.

If they quit before me I won’t hate them. (I’ll jst claim overtime for having to pick up their hours. Oh & yes now we can claim OT by weekly hour count. Alhamdulillah. Means that I don’t have to calculate if the whole mnth exceeds 80 hrs bfore I cn claim (which bsically means prviously i nver get to claim jst bcause some weeks have holiday on them). But now if any week exceeds 20 hours then I cn already claim. Alhamdulillah, Allah has made things better for me. I can even leave early & come in late whenever I don’t have class.

*

You know, smtimes worrying about pple is amazing.

maybe bcause it nver really goes away no mattr how much you try to unthink them.
sometimes I can’t help it.

even when I think your attitude is unacceptable I still worry about how you’re going to live if u don’t change in the long run.

maybe bcause your way of speaking is a strong tell-tale of ths arrogance (?) i seem to sense coming frm you.

I’m not impressed nor have I ever been insecure. I don’t put high value on the things that you think is high. And at some point I am fine with the way things are.

I know that I am where I am now because of what Allah has given me, not bcause i am better than anybody else.
ee
kdg2 bile aku tgok, aku cuba nk memahami. to undrstand you.

maybe you don’t mean to say that you’re better than others.

but that’s what you sound like all the time!

and I expect that you of all pple to know that what you seem to be saying is as important as what you’re really saying.

klw normal conversation pun pple are cnstantly reminded of how much more accomplished you are compared to them, then mcmane ko nk be with pple? mcmane nk b’gaul dgn msyrkat?

what about when you work with pple?

kdg2 aku jst t’diam & shutdown. sbb bnda2 yg ko ckp are so surprising to me.

aku rasa 1 hari ko msti nmpak apa kesannya. dan kdg2 aku rasa akulah orgnya yg kdg2 transparent hbis smpai bg ko nmpak how undesirable it is through my eyes.

I just hope I don’t hurt anyone. Or worse, turn into you.

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leave me empty

Published April 25, 2013 by crystalights

i am so hurt right now.

i am certain that whatever i do is not bcause of you

but it hurts that my choices are being questioned so frequently.

this lack of faith in me is truly astounding.

all of this is not for u, it’s never because of you.

because it’s not worth it to go the distance jst to pacify a person. like you.

because it will only leave me empty.

and I am so used to pple needing me but not really wanting me it’s not even funny anymore how i don’t want or need them back.

so if i’m not doing it for you, why should i explain my choices to you?

if you truly see me as one of your own isn’t it enough that you trust me to not cross the line?

what is it about me that is so difficult to comprehend?

I’m not asking for your appreciation, i’m just looking for a space where d entire world (including you) is not out to get me.

but i guess this means that that space is not here.

i don’t want to

Published February 15, 2013 by crystalights

haven’t written for a very long time.

i wanted to, really i do but well life happens.

“trying to make it work but man these times are hard”

 

so what happens now is that you can’t always let or un-let things from happening.

 

you and i and us and whoever there is out there,

are not the only ones that this is happening to.

i can’t be the only one still searching for something to search for

(not that the ones before them have ever been found).

 

sometimes when i sit in my room i think about what i really wanted to do (despite life and every single circumstances happening to me)

and i think;

maybe i just need to be away for a while.

 

and maybe, i’m just tired.

i’m just tired of fixing everything, for me or anyone else.

 

maybe i wanna be on my own for now

i wanna know that i can dream and live that dream too

that nothing’s too impossible for the likes of me.

 

and the hardest part is “expecting people to trust me, without understanding why”.

 

but hey, if it works out then it’s okay

if it doesn’t then i’ll pay.

 

sometimes the unannounced “nearness” frightens me

because i don’t know and am not known by you (or anybody else) enough for you (or anybody else) to come into my personal atmosphere.

like that.

 

you come in too close too sudden and i disappear

and then you don’t understand my intimidated persona and you think i don’t like you

hahah

isn’t it so easy to misunderstand me

someone like me.

and then you don’t want to be anywhere around me at all any longer,

because hey, that pride’s got to be worth something on you,

it can’t simply be marred by the likes of me.

and then

and then i get it.

 

and then i get you. and them. and the rest of the universe for thinking and taking me at that preliminary start-off value.

 

and then i think i can describe it all  in one lengthy prose

like i could write literature based on something that seemed so miniscule as that.

 

but i can’t seem to find the words to say the best lines

the best dialogue, monologue, chattering conversations out loud

because i,

my heart,

it doesn’t want to.

 

i don’t want to.

 

maybe i can’t be with people right now,

i just don’t want to.

ineffective

Published November 19, 2012 by crystalights

well,

since i’ve figured out how to work ths thing (albeit quite slowly), i think i’ll jst go along with it (for now).

 

if u think abt it, sbnrnye krja kita byk.

msih byk lg mslh lbih bsar yg prlukn prhatian

i know that whatever despair or disrepair that i’m facing will never be the same as the ones other than me who’re facing evn worse circumstances

hakikat yg sbnarnya (bg aku) krja kita bukn hnya utk kita.

 

smakin jauh lgkah kaki meniti jln  suratan-Nya,

smakin byk luka2 kcil gurisan laluan ktentuan-Nya,

smakin terasa betapa kerdilnya diri dlm menjunjung risalah-Nya

 

i am just a woman

who wished she could’ve done more.

i feel like i am ineffectve the most when

pple don’t start believing aftr they see me blieve

or start seeing the bright side after i see that bright side

t’rse diri tk berkesan. msih blum dpt mnyelamatkn.

 

 

?

Published November 19, 2012 by crystalights

maybe i am selfish when i try to show some care

bcause not everyone is okay with showing that they’re not.okay.with everything or something.

i just think, between being selfish and being indifferently cold,

i would rather be selfish and show my concern

than be cold and leave pple isolated and empty.

don’t dream it’s over.

Published October 1, 2012 by crystalights

 

“almost had me thinking you were turned around

but everybody knows, almost doesn’t count

this is a lunch-time post. bcause apparently i don’t feel like having lunch today and i want my words to re-tell the story. stories. whatever.

 

some things just takes a lot longer getting used to.

but i’m not. trying to get used to anything.

“this is just a stop on the way to where i’m going”

 

after evrything of the last 10 days,

i think there is nothing that i could say that could even come close to conveying my heart.

so,

why bother?

it’s not like it’ll really change anything anyway.

in the course of a lifetime, would it matter

i’ll live with this. maybe not like this all the time but i’ll deal with it.

even when i’m sick and tired of looking at the roles and responsibilities unfulfilled by people to the point that i’m the one carrying that weight on their shoulders standing in on their shoes,

i’ll deal with it.

 

because it’s usually like this.

sometimes people don’t wake up from their daydreaming so the rest of them (who cannot dream) end up just slaving their days away to make up for all that is missing from all these people

and i for one, would love to dream a dream or two, but who am i kidding?

what is there left for me if i am the one left to pick up the pieces and fill up the missing gaps that people recklessly leave behind

i for one, can’t afford to dream a little more

because my dreams are expensive

they take the backseat because the ones in front are full of all those responsibilities left behind by the people who take flight and revel in their pride of disappearing in the moment where no disappearance could ever really be compensated with.

who knew, that people enjoy shirking their duties regardless of whether or not another soul is inflicted.

who knew, that selfishness is what most of the entire universe has always been populated with.

 

why would i bother to speak my words

shouldn’t these words be expensive too? as expensive as the dreams that i could not afford.

 

thinking and knowing

Published August 4, 2012 by crystalights

since time is of the essence these days (it’s Ramadhan, everything matters, rite?)

i’m kinda juggling a few things at a time.

not sure if this’ll work, but yeah, at least i’m still breathing, rite?

 

i have lesson materials to prepare, exam papers to write (with the answer schemes), revision session with the ones who’re taking the supplementary exam, a bit of mentoring with the freshies and sophomore students, short-sem and normal-sem teaching with their tutorials to be done, and then yes of course the things that i wanna do for Ramadhan- i can’t just ignore that.

 

yes i’m busy.

but Ramadhan makes me think

beneath all the mess of the past few weeks

i think i know myself more now

 

i think

i’ll always want more

because i feel like i’m not doing enough

like i’m not fulfilling what i should

 

so get over it

while i get over myself (or not)

i don’t know

 

sometimes i think some people come closer

because they’re intrigued

they’re just puzzled

not because i draw them in,

but because they don’t understand the person that i am.

 

i think

once people figure me out,

the mystery ends.

when the show’s over,

take a bow

and then everybody goes

away

 

so i always go

i always go first.

because i want to be away

before everything disappears