work & studies

All posts in the work & studies category

getting it.

Published May 27, 2013 by crystalights

you know what,

it bugs me that sometimes i don’t know what normal is.

when i don’t know what is normal to most people.

how do you react in a normal way if you don’t even know what normal is?

 

like when you’re in the middle of delegating tasks in a room and everyone’s paying attention but someone just walks off the door because he doesn’t like the idea of you putting him with people that he doesn’t like.

 

or when you’re in the middle of a very important point that you really need them to understand, and halfway through it someone just nods off and fell asleep, guilt-free.

 

or when you’re giving them the extra work because you know that they needed it (because it levels their playing field), and the way they react (and make weak attempts of rejecting it) is like you just delivered the worst news of the week.

 

so how do normal people react?

i can throw in a few sharp comments, some with very high-pitched sound effects, throw a fit or two, or even go angry raging mad. or i can do a little of that sarcasm thing that i always seemed to have going on.

but.

but.

but.

i didn’t.

at least, not really.

 

bcause if i spew even a little bit of words, i don’t know how far i’ll go. or shouldn’t go. because my idea of normal isn’t exactly the same with a lot of people, sometimes i can’t make them get it.

 

sometimes, people get very offended first, and then they get the point at the very last bit. and some don’t even get it. (or get me). or get my point.

and then i’ll probably think: well that’s a waste of my braincells.

 

so what i do is i avoid screaming. avoid sarcasm.

i just skip over some things, resume on the total normality of it all, until they’re all in and all eyes and all ears on me and then i hit home- straight to the point where i want them to be.

 

except well, even that sometimes doesn’t work all of the time.

Advertisements

unbelievably surprising

Published May 19, 2013 by crystalights

yes, I’m thinking about a career change.

but I don’t want to be unreasonable to the pple whom I’ll leave bhind, so no mattr how much my heart feels constricted in my chest I think I will wait- for at least another couple of mnths. sbb aku tk nk bebankn saudara seagama ku.they are our pple too.

If they quit before me I won’t hate them. (I’ll jst claim overtime for having to pick up their hours. Oh & yes now we can claim OT by weekly hour count. Alhamdulillah. Means that I don’t have to calculate if the whole mnth exceeds 80 hrs bfore I cn claim (which bsically means prviously i nver get to claim jst bcause some weeks have holiday on them). But now if any week exceeds 20 hours then I cn already claim. Alhamdulillah, Allah has made things better for me. I can even leave early & come in late whenever I don’t have class.

*

You know, smtimes worrying about pple is amazing.

maybe bcause it nver really goes away no mattr how much you try to unthink them.
sometimes I can’t help it.

even when I think your attitude is unacceptable I still worry about how you’re going to live if u don’t change in the long run.

maybe bcause your way of speaking is a strong tell-tale of ths arrogance (?) i seem to sense coming frm you.

I’m not impressed nor have I ever been insecure. I don’t put high value on the things that you think is high. And at some point I am fine with the way things are.

I know that I am where I am now because of what Allah has given me, not bcause i am better than anybody else.
ee
kdg2 bile aku tgok, aku cuba nk memahami. to undrstand you.

maybe you don’t mean to say that you’re better than others.

but that’s what you sound like all the time!

and I expect that you of all pple to know that what you seem to be saying is as important as what you’re really saying.

klw normal conversation pun pple are cnstantly reminded of how much more accomplished you are compared to them, then mcmane ko nk be with pple? mcmane nk b’gaul dgn msyrkat?

what about when you work with pple?

kdg2 aku jst t’diam & shutdown. sbb bnda2 yg ko ckp are so surprising to me.

aku rasa 1 hari ko msti nmpak apa kesannya. dan kdg2 aku rasa akulah orgnya yg kdg2 transparent hbis smpai bg ko nmpak how undesirable it is through my eyes.

I just hope I don’t hurt anyone. Or worse, turn into you.

not me not i

Published July 26, 2012 by crystalights

right now,

i don’t understand why.

 

why would you react the way you did,

as if you did not play a part in the consequences that you received.

 

i never really thought i would see the day

where a man boy would put his dissatisfaction above his roles and responsibility.

 

“i can’t help you fix yourself

but at least i can say i tried

i’m sorry but i got to move on with my own life”

 

it is not MY FAULT that this is happenning. to you.

it is your life. YOU are the one living it, not me.

i am NOT the one who moved the pen in your hands

i’m not the one who told you to disappear whenever you want to.

if you can’t take the consequences then don’t make that choice.

don’t come back acting like you’re the victim and i’m the reaper.

 

i don’t have the patience to tolerate this absurdity

 

be a man. and grow up.

against the current.

Published June 24, 2012 by crystalights

insyaAllah, tomorrow begins the 2-3 weeks without them.

exam’s over, and we’re in the middle of marking and/or marks submission. as for them, their term break has already begun. so it’s their holidays, now.

as for me, other than the marks submission, i need to prepare lesson materials for the upcoming short and long smester.

but no, it’s not that simple. a few things have been coming up here and there and disrupting my flow (but i guess i kinda just have to deal with it, perhaps, in my own way).

 

last friday i met the other group of students that i’ll be teaching soon. and of course, they’re not exactly the same kind of students.

i don’t “pick” my students, they are given to me.

and then i do whatever i can or whatever i am willing to endure to get them where i want them to be. (which may sometimes be quite a very long way ahead).

sometimes i feel like a lawyer.

i work around things to get them where i feel is supposedly the best position for them to be.

it’s almost like i’m carrying and negotiating their cases (minus the black leather shoes).

so that even if they may not be completely innocent, they are not entirely guilty enough to warrant a lifetime sentence of some sort.

i stall their fines or penalties, and find ways to work with their verdict.

i make appeals (in my own little ways).

i try to practice with them what to do or say or arrange so that things work out in the best way possible.

yeah, i do feel like a lawyer working with juvenile misfits sometimes.

 

but they’re not all that bad.

and i’m not all that good either.

sometimes mistakes happen, and other pple are involved.

some pple are not always okay with it. with the way i handle my “cases”.

sometimes i have pple making fun of me for giving a damn.

sometimes pple laugh bcause they think it’s funny when someone puts in so much effort for these number of faces. (but they’re not just numbers. or faces).

maybe because it’s not the normal way of how things usually happen in these kind of settings in this cold reality.

 

just because i care, doesn’t mean i’m weak.

just because i have the heart to actually give a damn, doesn’t mean i’m being impartial or emotional in my judgements.

i’m still me. i’m still doing my job and trying my best to follow the framing of my profession.

it’s just that, this is not just a job to me.

and the students are not just a bunch of clients for the institution.

they are pple, who are part of this ummah.

i don’t want their numbers to represent nothingness in the course of this lifetime in the support of our deen.

 

so yes, i do care.

not because i want to put myself in an emotional involvement with any of them,

but because i want them to do well as an ummah, not just as a student.

and some things require more effort than just educating in a classroom.

 

so i think,

bottom line is: i’m supposed to already be used to this kind of thing.

bcause sometimes, most of the time, pple don’t get it.

they don’t get me.

this is normal, for someone like me.

the roughness around the edges is tolerable because its value has already been known and acknowledged. if it wasn’t, then a diamond would be just a stone.

maybe this is what the world has come to.

that everything is screened for some sort of tangible value.

something for something (discernible).

not for nothing.

 

i’m not hurt.

i just have this strange need for a catharsis.

i’m just being me rite now,

so i guess i just am. me.

why

Published June 14, 2012 by crystalights

i guess i’m jst tired.

and i can’t forget what you said.

 

just bcause you think he’s not a ‘practicing’ personnel and has no industrial experience,

it doesn’t mean his capabilities or qualifications are irrelevant.

 

i felt like it was almost an insult to me too.

because i am someone who came with qualifications but i don’t have years of experience too.

are you going to deny a person’s capabilities on such grounds?

does the effort pple put in to complete their studies mean nothing to you?

 

at least that is his major. it is one that is not the same as yours.

what is your point in telling me all that?

are you trying to say that he is not worthy of questions or consultations in the very field that he is majoring in?

are you saying that he is not worthy of a second opinion in terms of OSH?

even if he hasn’t practiced in the field (yet), it doesn’t make him any less suitable to talk about occupational safety with.

that is his course. he studied it. graduated from it. and is employed to start an entire program of it.

who are we to question his capacity on the mere basis of his suposedly ‘non-existent’ experience?

 

what about you?

or me?

can we say the same thing? about us?

should i be completely honest of what i think you’re capable of regardless of your “yet-to-be-completed” studies?

see?

aku rase takde org lain pn yg judge kau mcm tu because they know you’re getting there (soon).

aku pn treat kau as someone yg dh complete pun qualification nyer, bcause i believe that you are capable, that the difference is just a soon-to-be-completed paper.

 

mcm dier, wlwpun dier blajar part-time tapi dier still blajar. dan dh complete pun pengajian dier. dh graduate. dan diambil bkerja by the same group of pple who employ you.

if you’re questioning his capabilities are you questioning his employment and simultaneously your own (employment)?

 

do you think of yourself the same way?

do you know what i think of you?

 

if you wanna talk about a ‘practicing’ EH personnel, than couldn’t we say the same thing about you?

you have experience, yes, but they’re not all concentrated in this field.

like how your experience is more on public health research than being a ‘practicing’ EH or OSH personnel.

tapi takdela aku nak rub it in your face sbb aku tahu, utk semua org ader laa bhgn2 tertentu yg dier lebih tahu atau lebih mahir.

ada benda yg you know more than me, then ader yg sebaliknya.

itu perkara biase. tak perlu dirumit2kan.

 

aku just rase mcm kene tampar kot.

because i wanted a second opinion. from him (not you). because the thing that i have to do is the kind of program that he graduated from.

i want to understand.

tapi sriously, today i don’t get you.

 

maybe the earlier part of today you were just giving suggestions

(wlwpun aku mcm agak panas hati sbb you keep telling me what i already know or what i don’t have to hear sbb aku rase kau tak faham situation aku perfectly.

you keep telling me things like: kenape tak buat mcm ni, kenape tak kluarkn je mcm tu, mcm la salah aku that things didn’t work out at that time.

mcm la aku tak fikir dan tak pernah cube selesaikan dgn cara yg similar dgn ape yg ko ckp tu. mcm la aku a complete imbecile who doesn’t know how to do her job properly.

dh la ko ckp ko ingatkan aku dh siap keje aku sdgkn ko tahu aku dh buat ape yg mampu dibuat before cuti and even bile aku balik dari cuti pun masih ada lg yg baru submit paper, mcmane keje aku nak siap? takkan aku nak key-in kosong kot?

aku tahu la ko dh siap keje kau, tapi tgokla content kiter kan tak same. ko dpt finish lessons earlier, aku tak dpt. so aku just terime je la ape yg jadi, i can’t move the entire universe just for them).

but anyway, i guess i just brushed that aside kot sbb maybe you were just trying to help. in your own way.

 

tapi bile aku ckp psl the changes and the discussion that i intend to do, ko tibe2 feed me with your views on his lack of practice and experience and whatnot.

habis ko nk aku buat ape?

discuss with you?

and get what? an opinion of whatever you think is ‘important’? (like the rest of my morning?)

 

if i was the old me, i wouldn’t have let you get away with all that. sriously. sometimes i just think things like: “this isn’t even worth my time”.

 

how do you even let yourself say the things that you say when you know that everybody’s situation isn’t the same and evryone’s opinion might differ.

 

how do you even dare to question me of my knowledge of what his qualification is equivalent to?

 

i may not know everything, but not everything we know or have interest in is completely quintessential to evaluate a person’s standing in the field.

 

not evrything that you know is the ultimate important thing.

 

don’t have to be too full of yourself, just because you think it’s important doesn’t mean it’s important.

 

just because you think it’s right doesn’t mean it’s right.

 

just deal with the fact that you might not be right. that reality might’ve somehow escaped you and you end up trapped in your own point of views.

but sriously,

why can’t you see that sometimes other pple are not more wrong than you are less right?

what’s the point of a conversation if you only want to let pple know of how right you are?

is that a conversation. or a dictatorship?

 

“not like that”

Published April 28, 2012 by crystalights

just because i don’t share the same views as you,

doesn’t mean i’ve never done teaching before.

and just because i have done teaching before,

doesn’t mean i share the same views as you.

 

just because i don’t agree with your way of thinking,

doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong or lacking with me.

 

yes, i am among the younger ones.

okay so i’m younger than you.

and this is my first full time job.

but still, is it logical to disregard what i think in place of your idea of: “they’re not like us”

what is this:

“they’re not like us”,

“they’re not like that”,

“they’re not at that level”, what, WHAT?

 

this is like you’re putting them into an “excuse mould” as if “that” is what they’re meant to be.

you want to say that they’re just “like that” because of their levels of education performance which is just “like that”. you’re saying it like it’s the most natural thing in the world and that it just happen to be that way.

but 

isn’t that a little degrading?

to insinuate a group of people’s  actual capacity to perform with their previous levels of education performance?

 

doesn’t everyone have their own fair share of potential?

 

so why is it when i speak of a different view you quickly ask whether i’ve never done teaching before?

how do you judge whether or not someone has done something, merely based on one session of their different views?

 

(i can hardly believe i fell asleep last night after that line -___-  ..maybe bcause i’ve been exhausted for a few days and by friday night after everythng, that was it).

kerana-Nya.

Published April 22, 2012 by crystalights

alhamdulillah

selesai minggu pertama bekerja.

 

stakat ni alhamdulillah,

wlwpun ada sikit2 mslh technical yg happen, tapi kirenye keadaan masih okay utk aku bekerja.

hari tu mcm ader panic skit sbb fingerprinting tapi aftrwards i informed my ketua and org dlm office so they know what’s going on.

so i think for me, it’s safer to come earlier than the office’ regular working hours.

at least takdela ramai sgt org mnunggu kt blakang aku bile fingerprinting fail (na’uzubillah).

 

anyway,

there’s a few pple tht i wanted to visit or meet, tapi stakat ni brgkali belom diizinkan lg.

now i think, i am more aware of the value of money- bukan nak jadi materialistic or mementingkn duit, cume bile kiter ada byk duit utk buat byk benda kdg2 kiter tak perasan duit tu sbnrnye satu elemen jgk yg memudahkan kita nk buat byk benda tu.. smpaila kiter kekurangan duit (hahaha).

 

beruntunglah org yg byk duit dan byk kesedaran utk duit itu dijadikan kunci ke syurga-Nya;

 

namun beruntunglah jugak utk org yg kurang duit namun terlahir jugak usaha-usahanya utk meraih kekunci yg sama.

 

hanya Allah yg tahu berapa nilai setiap amalan itu.

 

takpela.

utk setiap org, ada bhgn msing2, kan?

dan utk setiap bhgn, ada pelajaran msing2 kan?

pelajaran utk org2 yg ingin mempelajari hakikat ketentuan-Nya.

 

setiap amal kebaikan tu jgk sadaqah, walau bukan sadaqah dlm bentuk yg dilihat melalui norma masyarakat.

sbb segala amal kebaikan yg dilakukan yg diberi ganjaran pahala itu umpama satu amal kebaikan yg memberi sadaqah kpd diri sendiri.. melalui pahala yg diraih di sisi-Nya.

 

aku rase,

andainya benar sejak 12 hari yg lalu aku diuji,

mgkin byk bhgn yg aku dh gagal pun dlm ujian2 ini

sbb sabar aku lambat, marah aku awal,

dan penerimaan aku lambat, penolakan aku di luar kawal.

 

aku pun dissapointed dgn diri aku yg tak sempurna amalnya,

tak cekap pertimbangannya.

aku dh beremosi dulu, baru bertindak mencari penyelesaian

akulah org yg belum sempurna pembelajarannya,

belum lengkap tarbiyyahnya.

 

akulah org yg masih perlu dididik.

 

so

i think, no matter where you are

or what you have,

siapa kita disisi-Nya itu lebih besar ertinya.

 

bukanlah tak boleh kita gunakan peraturan rekaan manusia

cuma skrg aku rasa bersalah bila tak fikir utk cuba jadi insan yg mengutamakan Dia yg menciptakan aku dan segala yg aku rasai.

apa yg aku rasa aku dpt rasa kerana-Nya,

jadi bersalah lah aku bila mengenepikan-Nya dlm semua perkara.