a very long day

All posts tagged a very long day

i don’t want to.

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights

so you say i make you confused.

you say as if i wanted to go then suddenly when you tell me about your plans then i don’t want to go. 

that you can feel like i didn’t enjoy being out with you.

that i’d rather go visit my (other?) friends than go out with you today.

you say that we have to go out by 7a.m the latest because you want to avoid traffic jam and you don’t wanna be late for your appointment.

i hurried and woke up to get ready around that time but we arrived within the area about ONE HOUR and 15 minutes EARLIER than your schedule.

then suddenly you want to go and visit YOUR friend while we fill the time before your appointment, but later on after we left your friend’s house you say that this friend of yours hurt your feelings (and that this isn’t the first time) although i don’t really understand which part of that conversation was really MEANT to HURT you.

you say that i can sleep in the car (if it’s too early for me to wake up and go out) and so i tell you that i DON’T LIKE sleeping in the car.

i told you to give the food to someone else but you brought it along anyway,

and then you say that i don’t eat what you give me because i worry that it’s not halal;

and that someone you know used to check the (food additive) numbers (like i do now) but in the end she just ate whatever other kind of that food type (and i find it insulting if it implies that i too, will become that way, as well as equally insulting if it implies that i am concerned about what i don’t have to be concerned for when it comes to food products).

you say that you can send me to the train station so i can go home if i want to, while you might go somewhere else but after we passed the train station you say you want to send me home because you wanna go home too; because you need to take in those carpets of yours before it rains (heavier). but afterwards you DIDN’T take in your carpets.

you keep on saying things like: “i can (do this/that/etc) for you if you want to”.

“yes, sure if you want to.”

“i can send you if you want to”

“i can go (there) with you if you want to”

“i like helping people”

“i like driving”, even when you might say you’re tired, after spending the morning going out (like wht happened the other day).

and after you offer taking me out and i said i’ll think about it,

you so easily say things like:

“if i take you out for lunch/eating, i’ll pay (for you), don’t worry”, sounding as if i am taking some time to think because i’m worried about money. (gee, another insulting statement).

 

by the end of the day (with you) i realized that i feel so much that i don’t even truly know where to start.

you see, the kind of character/attitude that i don’t like are the ones that you managed to portray to me in less than 24 hours.

i want to be patient and respect you, but i find myself struggling.

 

so don’t ask me if i’m okay

don’t ask me if i will return

don’t tell me to not be

 

because i really feel like i needed a break from you.

 

i don’t think i can do it the way you want me to.

 

i don’t even want to depend on you.

or let you take me on a ride to anywhere,

or listen to you tell me about your feelings

or listen to you tell me about MY feelings

or listen to you respond to what you THINK i was thinking about.

or listen to how hurt you are because people say things that you THINK is HURTING you

or how you refute my response when i give a different viewpoint because you think you have a reasonable reason to feel the way you do (which i might try and give you the benefit of the doubt even when i feel like i’m not given the same benefit when it’s MY OWN perceived reasonable reason if i come to a decision)

or how EVERYONE/etc who’s with you have to somehow care about your feelings and treat you in the manner that you feel is acceptable and accomodate to what you feel/wish, because you FEEL hurt/sad/etc.

or how you seemed to want people to give their time/attention/energy to placate/pacify you so that you don’t feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt like when you’re saying you don’t have anything to do while prior to this you say “i can do etc..if you want to” and then since you spent time with this/that/etc. person to do “what they want to” then why would you feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt right? and why wouldn’t they fill your time the way that you agree with, right?

 

you see,

i guess i kinda saw RIGHT THROUGH you by the 3rd day i know you.

and since it’s almost the end of the year i think i’ve known you enough by now.

 

i don’t like it when people dictate/control/decide for me what i can decide for myself and what i didn’t ask for help for,

but i especially don’t like it when it is done in such a manner that it is not only messy/impetuous/incorrigible/tactless/tasteless, it doesn’t even come with an attempt to at least have the decency to be subtle and a little wiser.

 

i am dissapointed with this lack of propriety

and i do not wish for it to continue

 

because i want to care about people that deserve to be cared about more than people like this

i want to care about people who wants to give wthout seeking for something frm me in return

 

and well

at least i didn’t tell it all to your face out of what little patience/respect that i have left for you.

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a very long day.

Published October 23, 2010 by crystalights

 

so i went for the medical checkup this morning.

and they were trying to draw blood from my arm.

my veins weren’t visible

so it was like “we’ll just try this first” sort of uncertain kind of needle-poking.

so the 1st doctor extracted blood on my left arm

it wasn’t enough so

the 2nd doctor did it on the right arm.

of course. i was screaming by then. with both doctors holding onto both arms.

it hurts like hell.

(my arms are bruised by now. i think there was something wrong with the needle insertion on the left arm).

i was screaming for my mom (but she’s..you know. my mom).

.

whatever.

i thought the urine test was the most challenging (because i already went to the toilet before coming there)

but

the awkward part was probably the x-ray.

(holy cow- the attendant’s instructions blasted through the speakers from the control room! there’s even a little window to see my position from where she was).

even my x-ray film looks weird (i think my heart looks kinda small).

.

my mom says the doctor treats studying patients differently.

like students get better treatment.

(she even asked me if i was married and advised me to have a plan (?) of doing so because it ain’t easy to be alone when you’re all wrinkly. haha).

she says she’s seen those studying lots who stayed single (?)

idek. but i don’t have to think about that now. right?

.

anyway.

i’m tired. i said i wanna stop filling those forms for a bit because my back was already hurting (it has been like two days with all those forms) and then i heard him hiss-

like: “yeah i knew you just wouldn’t get it all done A.S.A.P, wouldn’t you?”

and so i just walked away.

.

whatever.

i love my back. why should i sacrifice it just to make you shut up?

.

before everything falls

Published October 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

he is angry because (according to him) i am:

  1. taking too much time,
  2. inefficient (unlike him),
  3. having issues with how other people (like him) deal with things (which i don’t have to waste my thoughts on, according to him).

i am angry because (i’m gonna say this ONCE and FOR ALL):

  1. IT’S NOT EVEN MY FAULT.
  2. SCREW EFFICIENCY, I AM AS EFFICIENT AS I AM METICULOUS AND PATIENT. I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY I DEAL WITH THINGS, SO WHY SHOULD HE.
  3. I DON’T HAVE ISSUES WITH HOW OTHER PEOPLE DO THINGS, I HAVE  ISSUES WHEN HOW THEY DO THINGS AFFECT ME. I BELIEVE THAT MY WAY IS THE BETTER WAY (because when you rush into things you may not see it when they fall apart).

only fools rush in. and i believe that i am not a fool.

so yes.

i believe in reading through documents before signing them, reading through forms before filling them.

i believe in reading through agreements before involving myself, and the people around me, with them.

i believe in that kind of SAFE life practices.

i don’t have a problem with that.

what i do have a problem with, is people who snap and scream at me (in a random place) just because i disagree with such impetous, reckless ways. 

this is how i live.

how i try to avoid mistakes and take care of things.

.

it’s unbelievable for you to judge my entire life ethics based on this ONE thing,

no, it’s downright insulting.

i don’t care too much about my pride right at this moment, but something about your words gave me a hint of how repulsive you find my way of life to be,

and i can’t help but be surprised by your lack of insight and hindsight in a situation like this.

it was..shocking.

.

i’m 23.

you can’t get angry at me for refusing your way of life.

this is MY life, afterall.

.

family dining table meal

Published August 31, 2010 by crystalights

 

i think it’s amazing that my dad can remember how many chairs there are to that decade-old dining table set.

.

six.

there are six of them.

they were bought when we were still little kids,

the chairs that match the table to match with the floor

not only to match the colour but also the patterns.

.

but the floor in our home now isn’t quite the same as the floor in our old home.

i remember rows of little windows, with pink flowery curtains in each room

and long orange-coloured ones for the living room.

there were two small mango trees

on our back yard view from the kitchen

with the brown wooden cabinets and shelves complementing the stove

.

that was more than 15 years ago

but he remembers how many chairs there were from that dining table set.

he was asking: where is the other chair? there is one more.

.

and my sister took it out of her room to add to the dining table.

.

we didn’t even remember how many there were.

and i was thinking

maybe this dining table set does match the current floor where we have our meals now

the patterns aren’t exact matches, but the colour is perfect.

.

as much as he remembers things i just hope

that he doesn’t remember how angry he was today

and the last couple of days.

.

it’s difficult to have normal meals when the air is thick with tension

i was holding the onion container and it almost slipped from my hands

it was just a small plastic container

but i was so scared that even the scattering of fried onions would make him blow up

with that kind of mood in him today, no one really dared to speak

even the eating was silent for a while

i think i let out a breath when he was finished with his meal and got up to leave the kitchen

.

it was really heart-hammering.

.

you don’t get it, do you?

Published August 30, 2010 by crystalights

 

selama ni i never complain, or merungut.

because i know where i stand. i know what needs to be done.

.

but today i cannot help but feel this way.

and it is all your fault.

for the first time i feel so tired

but i can’t stop because there is no one else that i can rely on.

you’re missing when you’re not around, but even when you are around you’re still missing.

you can’t even take care of yourself.

what can people like me hope for in you?

.

just because i always do things like i am meant to

it doesn’t mean it’s my job.

stop expecting me to be fine with everything

i know that today i am not.

because including today it’s been four days of your vacation but you’re not even really here.

you’re just disappearing into your self-centred world again.

.

you occupy their time with bits of your world which isn’t even really yours

i hate it when they give their time to you

when you pull them away i’m not jealous

i just don’t want you to turn them into you.

.

this is my home.

i don’t know if it is yours.

.

you.

stop thinking about you and only you.

.

i am not your dog.

.

astro

Published August 29, 2010 by crystalights

 

in the history of malaysian cable tv service providers, “astro” isn’t the kind which i can really think of in fond memory.

in fact, the only reason that it crossed my mind when speaking of cable tv service is because it is the only one still present today in malaysia.

and that’s it.

it doesn’t really have an impressive customer care (you have to pay for your customer care calls, even when it’s not your fault that you can’t watch tv, and sometimes the calls aren’t that short).

sometimes when you leave the decoder on stand by for very long periods of time and go somewhere for weeks without using it when you come back it becomes dysfunctional.

sometimes when the weather’s bad you can’t watch anything.

and then there’s the list of programmes, half of which probably consists of repeated shows or second-grade ones, as well as (almost) ancient season’s tv programmes.

sometimes channel surfing gets you nowhere, because except for a few channels, the rest really have nothing much that can interest or enrich you and your mind.

i only remember how they keep on “upgrading the system” by changing smart cards because they are so very concerned of people making profits or free-loading on THEIR tv service.

and then there’s “astro Beyond”. in HD.

supposedly in conjunction with the world cup and it continues from then on but seriously why would i want to see the strand of grasses on a football field?

maybe some people do (in that tv advert), but i don’t. i don’t even think it’s worth it to pay the extra bucks for that extra HIGH DEFINITION that shows the texture of someone’s face or someone’s trickling beads of sweat.

it’s too much money for something so trivial and insignificant.

an extra package in Beyond is supposedly the malaysian version of a TiVo.

except that you can’t exactly program your wishlist search, but you can store recordings of your tv shows.

yes, TiVo was introduced in the U.S more than a decade ago, but here we are in malaysia with a cable tv service only recently going all out for something like this. (with the extra extra bucks as the charge).

you have to pay extra for the service that isn’t even that recent in the tech-world.

it’s like paying extra for a DR2000 spectrometer when the science community has already used the atomic absorption spectrometer since decades and decades ago.

.

so that is why, when i wake up with loud noises and loud voices this morning/afternoon i really hate the fact that it was because someone is expressing their discontent towards the cable tv service so passionately as if the service providers could really speed up their service delivery based on a couple of very vocal phonecalls.

no, they can’t.

of course they can’t.

they are incapable of providing the kind of service that supposedly comes with the kind of money that they rake in.

i know that from experience.

.

that is why i’m against the Beyond subscriptions (in this home). because i see them as such a huge burden. there is no point at all. the money that you’re paying doesn’t guarantee you top quality service.

you were the one who wants Beyond for both TVs, so please no screaming.

i need to be able to sleep because this cable tv service would never change even if i don’t sleep.

they don’t care much about such things (because they know they’re the only one providing cable TV service in this country).

.

perhaps everything here is about raking in as much money as you can (before people start to realize that they’ve been robbed in broad daylight).

.

so when will people wake up?

not that i can be bothered of. not that i care.

Published August 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

that is why i DON’T wanna call

.

because EVERY SINGLE time is the WRONG time

even until now i don’t know HOW the hell

to get the timing RIGHT ENOUGH for you

.

if there is another time in whichever year which i can push this to

of course i would

but because everything has to be ready by tomorrow before he leaves i can’t wait any longer

next week when i leave i don’t wanna carry the whole world with me

so yes of course i don’t have any other time to bother you

this is the only time

.

next week would be too late

i hate doing favours at the very last minute

i especially hate to be the one helping people who doesn’t even know how to help themselves

it’s not even my job to make sure that you have everything so please

you don’t have to put it like that

.

it’s allright

i get it

it’s your own little world after all

.