All posts tagged angry.flaming.mad

ok, fine.

Published January 28, 2012 by crystalights

maybe i’m jst being a worrywart

but i think, this time it’s probably just my pride taking over.


i’m used to people not understanding

but i can’t help but feel that this time, the fault really was not mine.


sbb tu aku mcm susah skit nk fix it

bcause i feel that it wasn’t my wrongdoings


it is not my fault that a few times when something goes unpretty my academic background becomes an arguing ticket for people

honestly it’s not like the credit was mine

it’s not even impressive or anything

aku bersyukur la dgn ape yg Allah bagi tapi aku tahu ni sume bukannye dtg dari aku and i’m not even flaunting it

bersyukur dan gembire tu aderla. tpi bukannye nk rub it in anybody’s faces ke aper

bukan nak bwat semahu hati atas tiket “tamat pengajian sarjana”


dah la sometimes i feel like i’m his trophy

but whatever, maybe i’m jst a paranoid pessimist


tapi sriously,

what can i do?


i think i’m jst carrying out my duty

as part of an ummah who was given an opportunity


i have to consider what he thinks or feel jgk

dier ckp sejak aku balik ni skali pn aku tk pnah pergi

ok fine;

forget the fact that i don’t live in kL,

i was in d middle of a few things,

i can’t just take the car and drive, i am trying to complete my driving license,

and i have a few people i have to see

and i’ve been kinda occupied with the job hunting and that prvious intrview

ok fine;

fine fine fine

even if all that is not reason enough

then can i ever have that opportunity to claim my fare share of the benefit of the doubt?

that i would’ve at least tried to not let these worldly things get to my head (?)


will i ever be free of the notion that my absence and response is a manifestation of my academic life?


i just..

i usually don’t even care

but this time i think i have to at least be a little concerned because i believe in reasons and purposes

and that there is something that i have to do no matter what for the sake of The One Who Created me.


sure i think i can protect my pride and walk away (like those many times bfore)

but then

i think i realize now that i have an obligation to protect this tie.


so what i feel is not important.


aku nak berusaha

walaupn aku rase mcm kne deal with somethng yg aku tak nak deal with pn

sbb aku tak nmpak ape2 s’lain dari persepsi peribadi seorg insan.


tapi tkpela

ok fine;

i’ll deal with it


i’ll take this,



bg aku personally, smbung blajar bukan satu benda utk dibanggakan,

smbung blajar aku ibaratkn mcm tnggungjawab diri jika berkemampuan.


ape yg aku nk banggekan? sume yg aku ada bukan dtg dari aku. knape pulak itu nk dikaitkn dgn bnda lain yg not even remotely directly related?


oh dear, TELL ME what on earth could i possibly HAVE done?


i’m not really into this topic anyway so

why bother


malasnye nk fikir abt these thngs




you’re free to think.


fine fine fine.


i think the world would be a better place if:

Published February 28, 2011 by crystalights
  1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
  2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
  3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
  4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
  5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
  6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
  7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
  8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
  9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
  10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.


bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?


sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau


aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.


bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.


yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.


at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.


mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?


of people and dissapointments

Published October 25, 2010 by crystalights


aku rase sbb tu kot aku ni mcm ni.

sbb aku dah biase hadapi keadaan dimana org yg aku harapkan tak boleh aku harapkan.

last2 aku jugak yg selesaikan masalah.

mintak tolong pd org hanye memenatkan badan aku je.



aku rase aku memang tak boleh depend on anyone other than me.

aku nak percaye pun susah.

sbb byk masalah.

byk kesakitan.

byk keharu-biruan.

byk kegelapan.

i think in life the only constant that is omnipresent and forever present is god.


and with that i rest my case.


(yes my heart hurts. my back hurts. everything seems to hurt more when you’re pushed to your limits).


seolah2 dier tak kisah pun psl keselamatan (aku).

yg dier sibuk nak ambik kisah is how much money i can save and earn.

nak suruh aku go gang up with some strangers in another land who wouldn’t mind pitching together cash to save on accomodations. how NICE.

i mean, how nice is that, putting aside the possibilities of finding good, civilized people with no ulterior motives and no criminal record amongst all those whom i don’t really know.



why not you just feed me to the sharks and take all my money?


at least then i don’t have to think about how on earth i put up with your demands.


before everything falls

Published October 22, 2010 by crystalights


he is angry because (according to him) i am:

  1. taking too much time,
  2. inefficient (unlike him),
  3. having issues with how other people (like him) deal with things (which i don’t have to waste my thoughts on, according to him).

i am angry because (i’m gonna say this ONCE and FOR ALL):

  3. I DON’T HAVE ISSUES WITH HOW OTHER PEOPLE DO THINGS, I HAVE  ISSUES WHEN HOW THEY DO THINGS AFFECT ME. I BELIEVE THAT MY WAY IS THE BETTER WAY (because when you rush into things you may not see it when they fall apart).

only fools rush in. and i believe that i am not a fool.

so yes.

i believe in reading through documents before signing them, reading through forms before filling them.

i believe in reading through agreements before involving myself, and the people around me, with them.

i believe in that kind of SAFE life practices.

i don’t have a problem with that.

what i do have a problem with, is people who snap and scream at me (in a random place) just because i disagree with such impetous, reckless ways. 

this is how i live.

how i try to avoid mistakes and take care of things.


it’s unbelievable for you to judge my entire life ethics based on this ONE thing,

no, it’s downright insulting.

i don’t care too much about my pride right at this moment, but something about your words gave me a hint of how repulsive you find my way of life to be,

and i can’t help but be surprised by your lack of insight and hindsight in a situation like this.

it was..shocking.


i’m 23.

you can’t get angry at me for refusing your way of life.

this is MY life, afterall.



Published August 29, 2010 by crystalights


in the history of malaysian cable tv service providers, “astro” isn’t the kind which i can really think of in fond memory.

in fact, the only reason that it crossed my mind when speaking of cable tv service is because it is the only one still present today in malaysia.

and that’s it.

it doesn’t really have an impressive customer care (you have to pay for your customer care calls, even when it’s not your fault that you can’t watch tv, and sometimes the calls aren’t that short).

sometimes when you leave the decoder on stand by for very long periods of time and go somewhere for weeks without using it when you come back it becomes dysfunctional.

sometimes when the weather’s bad you can’t watch anything.

and then there’s the list of programmes, half of which probably consists of repeated shows or second-grade ones, as well as (almost) ancient season’s tv programmes.

sometimes channel surfing gets you nowhere, because except for a few channels, the rest really have nothing much that can interest or enrich you and your mind.

i only remember how they keep on “upgrading the system” by changing smart cards because they are so very concerned of people making profits or free-loading on THEIR tv service.

and then there’s “astro Beyond”. in HD.

supposedly in conjunction with the world cup and it continues from then on but seriously why would i want to see the strand of grasses on a football field?

maybe some people do (in that tv advert), but i don’t. i don’t even think it’s worth it to pay the extra bucks for that extra HIGH DEFINITION that shows the texture of someone’s face or someone’s trickling beads of sweat.

it’s too much money for something so trivial and insignificant.

an extra package in Beyond is supposedly the malaysian version of a TiVo.

except that you can’t exactly program your wishlist search, but you can store recordings of your tv shows.

yes, TiVo was introduced in the U.S more than a decade ago, but here we are in malaysia with a cable tv service only recently going all out for something like this. (with the extra extra bucks as the charge).

you have to pay extra for the service that isn’t even that recent in the tech-world.

it’s like paying extra for a DR2000 spectrometer when the science community has already used the atomic absorption spectrometer since decades and decades ago.


so that is why, when i wake up with loud noises and loud voices this morning/afternoon i really hate the fact that it was because someone is expressing their discontent towards the cable tv service so passionately as if the service providers could really speed up their service delivery based on a couple of very vocal phonecalls.

no, they can’t.

of course they can’t.

they are incapable of providing the kind of service that supposedly comes with the kind of money that they rake in.

i know that from experience.


that is why i’m against the Beyond subscriptions (in this home). because i see them as such a huge burden. there is no point at all. the money that you’re paying doesn’t guarantee you top quality service.

you were the one who wants Beyond for both TVs, so please no screaming.

i need to be able to sleep because this cable tv service would never change even if i don’t sleep.

they don’t care much about such things (because they know they’re the only one providing cable TV service in this country).


perhaps everything here is about raking in as much money as you can (before people start to realize that they’ve been robbed in broad daylight).


so when will people wake up?

not that i can be bothered of. not that i care.

Published August 25, 2010 by crystalights


that is why i DON’T wanna call


because EVERY SINGLE time is the WRONG time

even until now i don’t know HOW the hell

to get the timing RIGHT ENOUGH for you


if there is another time in whichever year which i can push this to

of course i would

but because everything has to be ready by tomorrow before he leaves i can’t wait any longer

next week when i leave i don’t wanna carry the whole world with me

so yes of course i don’t have any other time to bother you

this is the only time


next week would be too late

i hate doing favours at the very last minute

i especially hate to be the one helping people who doesn’t even know how to help themselves

it’s not even my job to make sure that you have everything so please

you don’t have to put it like that


it’s allright

i get it

it’s your own little world after all


save it

Published July 7, 2010 by crystalights


first you made me believe that you’re a friend.

then you take yourself off as my friend.

then you take away my friends.

then you take my friend away from her best friend.

and somehow after all that mess, everyone’s your friend.

and then you have the gall to come back and apologize for being so good and nice to your so-called friends?


don’t you get it?

you’ve taken so much from so many people

and you’re just sorry that i don’t buy your tales anymore

you’re just sorry that the only inevitable flaw that there is right there is the fact that i don’t give a damn anymore

you and i are a long lost history and a mistake i don’t want to remember.


you owe me too much for me to just let it pass

back then it was easier for you because you weren’t the one who was very young and insecure

you weren’t the one who was struggling to stand and drying up the tears

this isn’t revenge

this is


in its raw manifestations


i don’t care about what used to be there

there is nothing for me to look back to


we are not friends -in its truest meaning or form.

so save it. 

i don’t need this shit

and you don’t have to pretend