angsty

All posts tagged angsty

i think the world would be a better place if:

Published February 28, 2011 by crystalights
  1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
  2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
  3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
  4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
  5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
  6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
  7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
  8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
  9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
  10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.

.

bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?

.

sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau

sorry

aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.

.

bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.

.

yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.

.

at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.

.

mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?

.

tomorrow’s price and payment.

Published February 12, 2011 by crystalights

so the people that i was supposed to stay with (but suddenly cancelled) contacted their son+daughter-in-law

and their daughter-in-law contacted my parents’ friends

and then these friends informed my parents

and then i’m not sure what exactly is happening or is about to happen but

i’m supposed to contact them when i get there.

and i guess right now, for now, that’s the best that i can get to the possibility of not being homeless (although i can never be too sure about that).

i met those friends of my parents (the one who helped contact that family), and i can say that these friends are very nice and warm. they have this small, close-knit family and are rather affectionate with one another.

i looked at them and i thought: oh, so that is how it’s like to have a very affectionate family.

they don’t have everything, but half-an-hour at their home you kinda get this feeling of how they feel for each other and i guess that was something.

it was, a little heart-moving.

i thought it was kinda difficult for a person to show the ability to love, but what the heck, some people are very capable AND sincere. no questions asked, no prerequisite conditions, just honesty and a heart.

yes, some people do give a damn about each other. it’s just that i’m being exposed to the selfish ones too often that i become one myself (sometimes).

anyway, after the meet-up with these friends of my parents i felt like i can’t really entirely lay my verdict on the people who cancelled. maybe they have reasons (which i don’t understand) for cancelling my stay with them on such short notice. at least they managed to contact someone else from their family who contacted my parents’ friends who contacted my parents.

it’s a long story, but i don’t want to leave anything out.

i’m just a little unsure. confused. forlorn. about a lot of things.

and my thoughts are a mess and so writing them down is a process of sorting them out.

maybe i’m just dizzy because i felt something back then when i was snapped at in my own home but refusing to hide and cry because it’s not the right time to be defeated?

maybe i was starting to wish for things that i can’t have right now like a family/person who could understand?

i don’t know anymore.

.

i could try to be where they want me to be but at what price?

isn’t there always something to lose?

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things

but

i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.

.

so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.

.

we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.

.

and yes

yes

i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified

.

i have around 19 days left before the end begins

.

i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.

.

so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.

.

EDIT:

here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell

 

grey

Published December 28, 2010 by crystalights

 

sometimes i feel sorry for karev.

all the people he’s ever loved left.

and then he’s the one left to pick up the pieces, toughen up, and just survive.

and not show hurt or pain.

just discomfort and resentment.

but no, not the pain.

the pain must not be shown to the common eye.

.

no wonder he’s the jerk.

well that isn’t justified by anything, but still.

try being through shit and see if you can still be an angel.

.

 whatever that means.

.

because it doesn’t. matter. at all.

Published December 17, 2010 by crystalights

 

so i said:

if i am meant to be alone, then i wanna be alone from the beginning.

and then it’s about people looking out for each other’s back.

so i said:

i don’t wanna need people. i want to do things on my own and move on.

she says it like it’s all okay; like that time when she took someone in (even when she barely knew them).

so i said:

that’s the problem when you’re with people. you don’t have much choice to make your own decisions. and choices.

and somehow suddenly, i am the complicated one.

the intangible, troublesome, exaggerating, messed-up creature that i supposedly am.

so i tell her: don’t tell him.

because he’ll only think that i’m being difficult. he doesn’t get me.

no one does.

and i’m not someone who finds it worth the time to actually explain myself or make things clear. to anyone.

so whatever.

because it doesn’t matter what i feel.

it doesn’t matter what i want.

it only matters if they get what they want

so that they don’t have to resent me if something happens.

.

one fine day.

Published December 12, 2010 by crystalights

 

wow.

i lost my post.

all those writings = gone.

i can’t believe wp didn’t autosave that.

bummer.

i hate it when this happens.

.

but

i don’t care,

i’ll still put a piece of it here.

again.

.

so,

deep breath.

one more time.

.

that day when flowers fall

that classroom

how come i couldn’t see

the disappeared rainy sky?

i really want to be drenched again

never thought that i still kept the courage that i have lost

.

you know,

there’s this feeling you get when you secretly view some people’s pages

while listening to this song.

especially if those people don’t even know what you’re up to.

but you know them.

and they know you.

it’s like

a hollow pain

at the base of your heart.

it’s stupid, i know.

but i don’t know why i feel it.

i thought i didn’t care

but why am i (even) doing this?

i should just

get ready to leave.

.

this doesn’t even mean anything.

no one means anything to me, right?

and i don’t mean anything to anyone, right?

right.

okay.

i get that.

it’s fine.

i’m fine.

everything’s fine.

tomorrow should be fine too.

i’ll go to sleep tonight and go see the ocean tomorrow.

and then i don’t have to think and be confused about this anymore.

.

okay.

goodnight.

.

“who you are is not where you’ve been”

Published November 9, 2010 by crystalights

 

i guess you really did it this time

lost yourself in your warpath

lost your balance on a tightrope

lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

.

wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?

always a bigger bed to crawl into

wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?

and everybody believed in you?

.

i wished i knew if i am at the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

.

if life is a fair trade,

in exchange to not getting what i want, what will i get in return?

in exchange of not seeing what i should, what will i see in return?

in exchange of not knowing what i must know, what will i know in return?

.

the funny thing is that i believed that i did everything right.

i did what is expected of me.

i found what i should search for.

i completed what is entrusted to me.

i acquiesced with what is forbidden to me.

and i never really looked back again.

.

but still

what’s in it for me?

what about me?

what about what i want? what i need?

.

i guess somehow i understood izzie’s twisted request from a dying man like danny.

because sometimes,

you just wouldn’t, couldn’t, bring yourself to have it any other way.

because

even if you do,

can your heart take it?

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