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it isn’t just love.

Published February 14, 2012 by crystalights

i hope that what i’m about to write about, is not a way of being judgemental. about anyone. or anything much. but.

this is what i think of when i see a lot of happenings around me. for quite a while now.

 

i think that love should not be the reason that holds people back from what they could become.

if a person has potentials and capabilities and especially willingness to move forward, then why shouldn’t they do so (if it doesn’t defy any divine law)?

why shouldn’t they be more than what they could be just because it would provide more comfort to the people they are tied to in the name of love;

 

what is love?

does love mean that everything else doesn’t count?

that evrything else doesn’t matter?

what about those years that you worked hard for, those things that you’ve learnt, those people who were there taking care of your back, fending for you, fighting for you, making the effort for you?

people who’ve helped you along the way, people who love you even before you knew what love is;

and what about other people? the rest of the world who needs love and concern as well?

 

if you truly love someone, would you want them to put away their dreams and aspirations JUST for YOU?

is it fair for them? that you not only have them by your side anytime anywhere, you even have them forsaking their dreams for you.

 

is love selfish?

because no, i don’t believe that love is. selfish.

but i believe that at some point, some things have got to give.

 

if it means that you leave work 24 hours earlier so that the one you love can see a dying family member,

or the one you love can function and contribute as a member of society whether or not you love her more than you’ve ever loved anybody else

or the one you love can excel in her own field even more than yours despite the fact that you love her when you know you’re a prideful man;

or the one you love can be guided and corrected by you without having to put her down or below you or letting her mistakes be ignored just because you love her

or the one you love will have her dreams, ambitions and wishes be considered in the decisions that you make even if you hold the power or authority in your household

then i guess that is what “giving” in love means.

(and when i say love, i mean love dlm ikatan yg sah. klau tk camane nk ceriter bab2 household nih).

 

so yes

it’s not that i don’t believe in love

it’s just that i don’t want to feel like: “it’s okay to be selfish (if) i’m in love” as if love justifies everything else on this earth.

 

as if it’s okay to let the one you love put their life on hold just to make way for yours but you just expect it to be that way because this is the definition of rights, love and loyalty or obligations to you, the “deserving” one.

walaupun sbg “nakhoda” kamu berhak, tapi sbg “anak kapal” dia juga punya hak utk dikasihi dan diperlakukan sbgaimana dia mengasihi dan memperlakukan with unwavering loyalty and respect.

walaupun kamu “nakhoda” yang punya hak, tak salah pun if you consider what she feels or need when you practice your rights. if you love her, would you demand what you deserve, or would you feel thankful and appreciate her efforts especially when she comes to your aid willingly out of love?

her efforts that are manifestations of her loyalty and sense of duty should not be taken for granted, right?

lagipn bukan ke Rasullullah (s.a.w) pernah berkata:

“Yang terbaik di antara kamu adalah yang paling baik dengan isterinya”

Rasulullah (s.a.w) pun tk pernah mendisiplinkan isteri dgn cara marah2 di khalayak.

 

so i think

even if i might not know what love is,

i really don’t think i agree with the kind of love that holds people back from what they could become, or disregard their ambitions and wishes, and disrespect their feelings or thoughts, or disregard their loyalty and sense of duty and in itself, disregarding the sincerity of their love.

 

if we know how big it means to love,

would we so recklessly claim to love and to be in love?

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untuk aku. kau. kita.

Published March 14, 2011 by crystalights

 

“Dan jika Allah menimpakan suatu bencana kepadamu, maka tidak ada yang dapat menghilangkannya kecuali Dia. Dan jika Allah menghendaki kebaikan bagi kamu, maka tidak ada yang dapat menolak karunia-Nya. Dia memberikan kebaikan kepada siapa saja yang Dia kehendaki di antara hamba-hamba-Nya. Dia Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang.”

Ayat 107,

Surah Yunus.

i think the world would be a better place if:

Published February 28, 2011 by crystalights
  1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
  2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
  3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
  4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
  5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
  6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
  7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
  8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
  9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
  10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.

.

bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?

.

sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau

sorry

aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.

.

bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.

.

yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.

.

at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.

.

mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?

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the story of loyalty. duty. and priority.

Published January 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

once upon a time there was a guy.

i say he’s a guy because i think it takes more than that for a person to be a man.

but he’s definitely not a boy, so yeah, he’s a guy.

.

he grew up as a street-smart guy. the kind who kinda knows everything there is to know about things.

and so life was good. he had a job, some opportunities to develop and grow, end up in great places, and got married to the one he wanted to marry. (although she didn’t).

.

(she didn’t get married to the one she wanted to marry. because he wasn’t the one she wanted. to marry).

but he married her anyway and so yeah, at least he got what he wanted in the end.

.

and then they had children.

lots of them.

and the children grew up.

and so now he has an up-sized family.

he has a wife and children who prays for him. watch his back. clean up his mess. fix his problems. listen to his shit.

while his children are growing older, they can’t fit into small cars anymore, and the food and utility bills are a little straining, but hey, it seems they managed themselves pretty well. 

they don’t demand for things, they don’t always ask for money when it’s unnecessary, they don’t even wonder aloud “why can’t i have what my friends have?”

they studied hard, performed at least above the average line, and they don’t really go out and stray. they listened well and they knew that they couldn’t just walk out and be a kid and chill and hang out and spend money and grow through adolescents like any other unhampered young child.

because they know the kind of situation they are in and honestly the family can’t afford that.

because they know how difficult it would be for the family (for their parents) if they just lived selfishly and recklessly.

because these children know what loyalty is.

they know where their priorities lie.

and it’s in the family.

.

that guy, who’s the father of these children soon became older and wearier.

he could have just been an older and wearier but happier man, but he wasn’t.

apparently to him, having a good family who looks after you and looks out for you isn’t enough.

he didn’t feel happy having a financial strain. he didn’t act like he was happy. didn’t even pretend that he was happy. that he has them. 

his actions show that the valuable people that makes up a family and a home, his home, his team, his pack, was not worth the financial strain. at all.

he wants to be able to spend less on them and have more comfort for himself.

he wants to be able to have more than enough money but not having to actually work more than what he’s done for it. which is basically, not that much.

he who used to do more a few years back, became someone who wanted to do less and less but still wanting so much more in return.

but since that seemed nearly impossible, he began to shift the blame and burden to his children.

that they should have used less and spent less so that he doesn’t have to pay more.

it’s like tying your feet and binding them tight so that they won’t grow out of their initial size for you to have small feet forever.

of course some people can live with that.

but some people don’t.

can’t.

won’t.

and when things are at the apex of a collision,

no one knows who or what can save this family from the point of breaking down

.

so finally, the blame game became the obligation game.

the children has to become the pawns and do well so that the father can live well and have his own sweet comfort that he has been yearning for since years ago.

he wants to sit back and relax already, even when some of his children haven’t even finished school.

but like it has always been, he always somehow gets what he wanted in the end.

like i said, the children knew where their loyalties and priorities lie.

but their father didn’t.

he has yet to grasp the sense of loyalty, duty and responsibility for him to leave his search for comfort and put his children’s needs above his own.

.

so my question is:

are you the child or the father in this story?

or are you going to be the father in this story in your own distant future and let your children suffer the consequences of your self-centredness?

are you willing to give away the search for your own self comfort in exchange to the happiness and fulfillment in seeing how well you’ve raised your children?

what kind of parent do you want to be? what kind of parent will you be?

and what kind of child are you now?

.

marriage and family requires more than just love and adoration.

and when one of his children saw how cold the room is and how the father is sleeping on the main bed using the thickest blanket surrounded with the most pillows in the entire room filled with a few other children crawling and shivering and pulling and sharing with barely enough pillows on the floor with not even a mattress, somehow that child knew, that the family wasn’t as important as he was to himself.

that the father was just prioritizing what he feels is more important first, above all else, which is : himself.

.

of feelings and wheels of wonder

Published November 6, 2010 by crystalights

i like how it turns

again and again it goes around

took a seat in the pretty wheel

slowly glanced through the side door 

(and wondering what happens if it wasn’t there)

watch the world beneath you shrink away

slowly look up to the darkness above

letting the lights play along the ride

a faint shimmering glow

denying that particular feeling you get when you’re above ground

(they make my heart somersault like no other)

.

at that time i said i wanna go to a fun fair, any fair, then i’ll be happy. which was rather ridiculous considering it was very near to the hari raya festive season (why would people go to a fun fair a few days before D-day anyway?)

but i

like that kind of things. especially if they’re those small type of fun fairs, the ones without those extreme rides. the small ones are less rowdy and much more intimate. and you can see the small little lights glow in the dark of the night. it’s like a thousand candles put together underneath the black skies.

.

and so we went.

(it wasn’t a fun fair. it was more like a huge multi-featured park. by the sea).

and i remember it like it was yesterday (i would want to go again no matter how scared i get when the wheel turns high and higher)

.

i like it because it’s slow and steady and quiet. it’s frightening but it gives me time to ponder and think. or just breathe.

i don’t think there is any other way for me to get that kind of feeling.

.

i wished they didn’t know. or ask. or attempt to find out.

.

does it look like i’m abnormal? i know that i’m not that normal, but i don’t think i’m that abnormal. i think that there are some things i wanna keep as private that i don’t wish to share with the entire universe. and yet.

just a few prods here and there and then my parents spilled. big time.

.

i was dissapointed when i found out today. thank god the food was lovely and i didn’t have to stay for long – mum said i could go back first.

.

patutla dier pandang aku. mcm nk ckp something.

.

patutla org depan rmh pun mcm semacam. mcm lain macam.

.

i think it’s even worse to say that i was in the beginning of something than actually saying i have already received something.

.

i thought that i have decided once and for all that no one should know until i say okay. but now i found out that i don’t even know anymore who doesn’t know (and who knows).

.

 even if i choose not to do anything, isn’t that my own choice, my own business, only mine and mine alone?

.

i have nothing to show. prove. and tell.

 i don’t feel the need for such things.

even if i’m slowly fading into the background, i don’t think i care enough to actually stop it.

so

if i don’t really care then why should you?

.

i’m not interested in whatever you think of me.

.

what i wish to do now has everything to do with the ones i’m with and nothing to do with you.

.

if i am a ferris wheel

isn’t there only one wheel upon one stretch of land?

if a ferris wheel starts turning

you can’t make it stop unless it’s time for it to stop, can you?

.

 

think about it (before your heart leaps)

Published October 27, 2010 by crystalights

 

kata-kata baik dan nasihat (?)

.

why?

.

byk je org dlm dunia ni yg penuh hemah menutur kata-kata baik dan nasihat,

why her?

.

byk je org dlm dunia ni yg mengajak pada kebaikan,

so why her?

.

why is she the one.

.

is it because of her reasons?

.

sbb simpati dier pada org lain, so dier menasihati.

hbis tu, 

klau org yg inginkan yg baik utk semua so dier menasihati,

itu tak sebaik org yg menasihati kerana simpati ke?

menginginkan hanya yg baik utk semua insan tu tak sebaik berasa simpati sesama insan ke?

whatever the reasons, the actions are the same

though

whatever the actions, the people are not the same.

.

right now i’m guessing

you could be in love with this person

not because of how she is inside

.

because

whatever good things that you see in her

we can see the same kind of good things in a lot of other people

(but they’re not her, right? they don’t make you feel like this).

i think that

if you only see her

then you’ll only see her good-ness.

.

because seriously,

i think that she is a person consistently showering people with her good side just as expected of someone who is constantly showered with the good things that life has to offer.

in other words: because you’re always dipped in all the goodness that life has to offer (to you), you shine clearly with all the goodness that found you.

it is hard to be hateful and bitter and spiteful when all you’ve ever had are good, great things at the palm of your hands.

i think that there are other good people in this world who deserved better.

i think that people who have been through immense hardships, harshness, trouble, trials, and tribulations and still choose to do good and be good are as beautiful inside as people who’s raised with the good things in life and then does good and be good.

because it takes a lot for such people to not succumb to their conditions and emotions

so they are beautiful on the inside because they are that good.

because they are nothing short of amazing

.

so what about them?

.

i know it’s easier to see the good in one person if that person is the only one that you see.

.

if it wasn’t for her perfect life and her perfect features and her perfect clichés would you have deemed her a perfectly good person?

.

would you have seen what you didn’t see?

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(i thought so).

.

the rage post.

Published October 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

memang la aku takde penjage kt situ, tapi dah ade dlm borang tu mestila aku tanye.

takkan nak suruh aku hentam kromo je dlm borang rasmi, babe.

aku pun malas nak bising2.

tapi kalau aku biarkan kosong nanti ntah aper hal la plak yg jadi.

cube la faham.

jgn la asek nak negative je bile aku b’ckp. bile aku b’tanye.

(klau boleh aku pun tak nak tanye. aku lebih rela cari jawapan or penyelesaian sendiri).

tapi dah urgent mcm ni. nak buat camane.

cube la dgar. fikir. dan faham.

ni tidak,

dah la tak tgok pun borang tu, pas tu bile aku tanye nak bengang2 pulak.

bile aku ckp aku tak nak look like i’m asking for help from that person, dier plak marah aku saying that “it wouldn’t get to that extent and even if it did, what’s the problem?”

sekian lame aku kat sini,

boleh plak dier tanye “aper masalahnye?”

mcm tak paham pulak aper masalahnye kat sini.

.

everytime aku ckp pasal benda yg LOGIC, SERIOUS, dan PENTING, dier mesti nak respond dgn menunjukkan betape TAK LOGIC, TAK SERIOUS dan TAK PENTINGnye ckp2 aku.

mcm bile aku ckp psl “living in a foreign place”, “the person to be put under a particular section of those forms”,  “my arm turning dark purple 24hours after the blood extraction”, sumenye mcm takde benda je.

mcm ckp dgn tembok.

padahal aku nak dgar la solutionnye kalau tak semua pun at least satu respond yg proper.

bukannyer : “alah kau ni..” *dengus* *kerut muke* *dengus*

*dengus* *kerut muke* *dengus*

pas tu bengang2 mcm nak marah.

.

yg lagi sorg tu pulak

dah susah2 dpt butiran dan alamat,

tibe2 he tells me to log in to his mail and send that guy an email, asking for his address.

dah la address tu dah ade. nak jugak tanye lagi (konon takut salah).

lepas tu nak suruh aku pulak tu yg buat.

dah la aku tak nak ade kene-mengena pun.

pas tu bile org tu online dier suruh aku talk to him (about anything that i want to ask).

i was like : come on la tak boleh ke kiter just stick to what we need and get it over and done with. why must we effin’ involve everyone in everything??!?

why does he insist on me sending that guy an email and going online?

why does she NOT see the direction that this is heading to (like what i’ve been telling her all along), and the gravity of my situation?

why do i have to involve all these people yg tak berkenaan into my affairs?

does it look like i’m enjoying letting the whole world know of my current life affairs?

is it written on my face, a huge : HEY PEOPLE COME JUMP IN AND POKE YOUR NOSES INTO MY CURRENT STATE OF LIFE!!

is that what you see?

is that it?

if it is maybe i should punch someone to make them unsee it.

.

gelabah kecoh bersepai betul la.

kalau org lain tak tahu, tak boleh ke?

.

aku tak nak libatkan dier.

tak nak hutang budi dgn dier (dan keluarge dier).

tak nak ader kene-mengena pun dgn family dier.

sbb aku rase aku tak perlu merendahkan kluarge aku dgn meninggikan kluarge dier.

kluarge dier same je mcm sume kluarge2 yg lain dlm family tree tu.

bukannye sape2 lagi bagus dari sesiape pun.

lagipun buat ape nak susahkan diri terlibat dgn family dier.

nanti mcm2 pulak yg kiter kene buat (padahal kiter bukannye slalu buat pun aper yg kluarge dier buat).

tujuan, niat, dan keperluan kite pun tak same.

jadi biarla kiter pilih jalan masing2.

tak payah la sume bnda nak libatkan sume kluarge.

.

i have things that i believe in.

and that includes staying away from the people that i don’t fancy.

it works better for me because at least i can avoid looking at their flaws through a magnifying glass.

one small speck as if one large heap.

.

so just..get over it.

.

just stop.

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