All posts tagged awkward

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things


i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.


so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.


we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.


and yes


i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified


i have around 19 days left before the end begins


i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.


so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.



here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell



open. wide open.

Published January 7, 2011 by crystalights

suddenly this crossed my mind:

is it true that i am not as light and open as i was before?

but a long time has passed since then

and with age comes a different viewpoint and understanding.

if i am not someone who is as open and accepting as before,

at least i think that i don’t really turn them away or shut them down.

i listen.

i receive.

i acknowledge them.

i try not to pass judgement or point fingers.

i just don’t necessary like these things.

but i don’t judge. (at least while i am still conscious of my decisions).

and i think while it may seem like i’m not very open and light and accepting, i didn’t exactly show that i despise it or something.

i just go a bit expressionless.

so that the other party don’t feel offended or decide to up the ante and blow things out of proportion.

okay so maybe it’s the way my eyes change glances or the way i change my posture

but cut me some slack. it’s not like i’m screaming at the top of my lungs: “you stop this mess right now!”

at least i look at you as an adult and i treat you as a person.

how does that make me a narrow-minded and pessimistic and unreceptive person who sees the world in a dark light?

what is this Tron’s “The Grid” or something?


i have my own thoughts and views and we might not necessarily agree with each other’s POVs but at least i’m not the one who goes into attacking mode first, right?

i’m not out there to fight

(i’m not even really putting myself out there).

i’m just here.

and if our paths cross then why not we face it like mature young adults.


maybe it’s just a prideful girl thing

not that big of a deal.


shopping. and people. and me.

Published November 25, 2010 by crystalights


these past few days made me realize that a lot of things on sale doesn’t really satisfy me.

i don’t go shopping all the time

but yesterday i was looking for the right pair of black leather heels,

and unfortunately even brand names doesn’t quite have the right kind

(that i would like).

i was trying to get that shoe-hunting mood to kick in even though i don’t really like wearing high heels

(because no matter how well-made they are they always seemed to hurt me in some way or another).

shoe shopping is always time consuming

when there’s so many that you don’t like.

at the end of it i just bought a pair that looks like something that i would probably wear if i am a 16 year old kid studying in a private school.

with some multiple colours of ankle length tights.

[i don’t understand why people don’t understand the term tights. tights generally are supposed to be from the waist to the toes. or any specified (shorter) length of your legs to the toes. if it doesn’t cover your foot and toes then it’s usually known as leggings. or unfooted tights (which may have a connecting stretch of material going underneath your foot). it’s not that hard. so i don’t understand why when i asked for ankle-length tights i get thin lycra leggings, tight pants or unfooted athletic tights].

just wiki it and you’ll (hopefully) get what i mean.

one more thing about leggings,

kalau perempuan bertudung dikatakan tak manis memakai leggings

maka tidaklah juga manis jika yg ber leggings itu perempuan yg tidak bertudung.

perempuan tetap perempuan.

leggings tetap leggings.

kalau tak manis utk seorang perempuan maka tak manis lah utk semua perempuan selagi mereka itu perempuan.

kalau rase salah dan tak suke, then jgn buat.

perlu ke tubuhkan kumpulan setiap kali ader sesuatu yg tak disukai ?

selesai ke masalah setiap kali ada sesuatu yg tak disukai, kumpulan2 anti-“something” or anti-“someone” pun muncul.

apa ertinya menjadi sebahagian dari kumpulan2 ini?

adakah dpt sampai message2 yg sepatutnya berniat murni or berunsurkan kebaikan?

ataupun kita sebenarnya meningkatkan permusuhan dan prasangka?

kalau niat kita baik kan elok kalau cara kita menyampaikan pun baik.

that is just something

that crossed my mind.


what i like is

rebuilding and refixing what is broken

i don’t mind spending a long time just sitting and sticking them back together

piece by piece.

(it was broken when we took it out of the box).

and now it’s an unbroken house again.


and i

put up with things if i feel like they’re rare

these patterns look rare to me.

sulam nyer tak berterabur

motif nyer kemas

bunga nyer berkelopak timbul

warnenye tak keras.

walaupun ader la sikit kain nyer yg tercalar

(tapi dah tinggal satu)

so i put up with it because i feel like it’s a bit rare.


i also don’t like things that are not very well done.

(who would like that ?)

the cream patterns look like they’re falling apart from each other. like they are un-unified.

too many gaps between each overlapping strokes.

too smudgy.



i pay attention to details.

of all the cakes there are, of course i notice which one’s uncared for.

which one’s rushed.

which one had probably came from a pair of unsteady newbie’s hands.

so if the person is meticulous, they usually come off as very capable to me.

i like that sort of commitment coming from people.


hari ni ingat just nak jalan shopping brg sendiri sikit2

tapi singgah supermarket jugak beli brg2 mak nak utk esok.

we were later on at the cashier wanting to pay

and realizing that the total of those groceries (plus a few items more) was over our budget.

that was a major mood-spoiler.


the problem with me is that

i have this horrible temper that even i don’t like.

i kinda knew that

if i ever meet someone out there who has this exact same thing

i wouldn’t like him/her very much.

i get angry because my estimation of the groceries doesn’t match the actual cost.

i get angry because the shoe that i like that i thought was affordable was actually almost 160 bucks

and i refuse to pay 160 bucks for a pair of (un-brand-named) shoes because (even if they’re brand-named) i’m not Carrie Bradshaw (who pays like 600 bucks for her pair of “Manolo Blahnik”s) although i kinda really liked that shoe. at first sight. and i initially thought of buying it.

it’s this temper-principle-pride thing going on in me

that pisses (even) me off.

like not wanting to give something to someone who did something i don’t like and at the same time not even wanting that thing for myself

that i would rather throw it away than give it to someone who wants it just because that someone is someone i don’t like.

it’s like me being so damn difficult and harsh and bitter.

about almost everything.


i don’t really like that me too.


(and now i sound like a schizo)



what i have been waiting and thinking about has finally arrived in my inbox today

and i realize that

there really isn’t anything much that i can do with it.

for now,

i don’t have the means to do what should be done.

i’m not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and a silver platter on my table.

i struggle with these things too as i grow up

in a five-siblings-with-only-one-working-parents family


in malaysia

you can get great food,

exceptional education, and

high quality medical services

if you have the cash.

as long as you can pay for it,

nothing should really be in the way of you getting your every wish and command.

being rich guarantees you at least that much.

for the rich (and the famous) life shouldn’t be much of a problem in this country.


for the rest of us “less-privileged” people,

we have to fight for a place in an institution

fight for a chance to study

fight for the use of a few facilities and utilities

fight for a chance to have someone support us and our cause

fight for an adequately paying job

and then suffer through taxes and price hikes and whatnot.

life is rough and brittle when you’re worn and penniless.

they say

“money isn’t everything”,

“money can’t buy love”,

but money speaks enough. for people.

and what does love got to do with any of it?

i guess

love can’t save people from hunger and pain,

love is never enough

never forever.


hell no, love can’t even save people from themselves.


so i don’t know what makes the world go round,

but one thing i am certain is that

it is not love.


fashion unconscious

Published November 1, 2010 by crystalights


so i think, after last week’s fiasco, things are a bit..calmer (?)

it feels a little bit more lighter and easier to breathe (for now).

as long as no one talks about it, then it’s fine.

if someone starts talking about the same thing (over and over) again i don’t think i can tolerate it one more time.


on a different note

this is random, but some people can really pull off wearing shiny skinnies with plain black boots (and still rock it).


and what is that osbourne girl doing on fashion police?

wasn’t she like one of those normal american teens wearing god-knows-what doing god-knows-what like the rest of the population?

why is it that when she finally “cleaned-up” and polished herself up she gets to sit there with her expensive dress and join a group of people attempting to evaluate the fashion worthiness of some people’s choice of wardrobe?

i mean seriously, wasn’t she just like the rest of us when we were awkward and unfashionably conscious?

why is she there now, saying things about how some things look on some people?


i think as far as fashion goes, as long as it isn’t vulgar or completely disturbing then there is no need to overscrutinize.

what is fugly to some people may be unbelievably awesome to many more.



what is the point of a fashion police anyway

(it’s not like it can help save the world or something).


a very long day.

Published October 23, 2010 by crystalights


so i went for the medical checkup this morning.

and they were trying to draw blood from my arm.

my veins weren’t visible

so it was like “we’ll just try this first” sort of uncertain kind of needle-poking.

so the 1st doctor extracted blood on my left arm

it wasn’t enough so

the 2nd doctor did it on the right arm.

of course. i was screaming by then. with both doctors holding onto both arms.

it hurts like hell.

(my arms are bruised by now. i think there was something wrong with the needle insertion on the left arm).

i was screaming for my mom (but she’ know. my mom).



i thought the urine test was the most challenging (because i already went to the toilet before coming there)


the awkward part was probably the x-ray.

(holy cow- the attendant’s instructions blasted through the speakers from the control room! there’s even a little window to see my position from where she was).

even my x-ray film looks weird (i think my heart looks kinda small).


my mom says the doctor treats studying patients differently.

like students get better treatment.

(she even asked me if i was married and advised me to have a plan (?) of doing so because it ain’t easy to be alone when you’re all wrinkly. haha).

she says she’s seen those studying lots who stayed single (?)

idek. but i don’t have to think about that now. right?



i’m tired. i said i wanna stop filling those forms for a bit because my back was already hurting (it has been like two days with all those forms) and then i heard him hiss-

like: “yeah i knew you just wouldn’t get it all done A.S.A.P, wouldn’t you?”

and so i just walked away.



i love my back. why should i sacrifice it just to make you shut up?



Published October 11, 2010 by crystalights


tolonglah rase kecewa dan pergi.

selama ni aku tak respond dan tak jawab telefon

kenape nak libatkan aku lagi?

i don’t have to have anything to do with you and your family anymore.

tak perlu cari aku

kalau aku tak ingin dijumpai.


if i give a damn i would have responded a long time ago

but now that i’m disappearing why couldn’t you just have some sense and let go?


i don’t have any obligations towards you and your family.

i don’t have to feel anything.

i don’t have to explain.

you don’t even know me

this is how i live.

why should you be treated any different than the rest of those people out there?


tak perlu rase ape2 dan tak ingin nak rase ape2


just strangers in a car.

Published September 22, 2010 by crystalights


once upon a wednesday;


him: “so where do you live?”

me: “??” *looking puzzled*

him: “i saw you around here before and was wondering where you live..”

me: “urmm..i’m gonna answer your question with a question, so you have to answer my question first.”

him: “okay.”

me: “what is the title track of fergie’s debut single when she first went solo from black eyed peas?”

(wow. i was actually trying to gauge his age using a music question. wayy subtle, ay).

him: *starts to guess random song names*

me: “no.”

(unfortunately, all his guesses were wrong).

and the car moves and somehow stopped at a parking lot.

him: “so we both won’t (do or) be like anything else after this?”

me: “..”

(be? what is there to be?)

me: “urmm.. you’ll see me around here, i guess.”

(and that is if i am ever around here. but that’s a big hint already and i can’t say more -it’s not my style).

and then someone was parking (or showing me how to park).

and then i woke up.


LOL at the random dream.

even in my dreams i’m bitchy and flighty at the same time!


(but i saw his face. he has good cheeks with thick black hair).

(and my heart would have beaten a little faster if he asked for my number, huhu. wait. eww~ *background vomiting sounds*)

okay. (that was random).