..wasn’t really an interview, according to them.
(although i did feel like it was like an interview. only in a different format).
cerite dier agak pjg dan klakar.
aku rase mcm mlas pulak nk cerite kt sini.
aku nak borak psl ni comfortably, maybe over tea and karipap or something, face to face with some people kot,
not write it down here for the virtual world to contain.
because inside me there is so much that i don’t know if i can contain
i need a refreshing feedback about life and the future,
from people that i’m familiar with,
not just an approval or a sugar-coater.
just, ape yg aku dpt drpd “interview” ni is that:
if i want to continue to the next level, i have to start thinking about a rsearch project.
they (took our resumes and) said that they will inform us if we are suitable for any of their faculties’ vacancies and then they’ll come up with a fellowship contract for a studying scholarship which includes: upon completion of the studies, joining their workforce.
tibe2 aku rase bunyi dier mcm ala2 “fellowship of the ring” pulak.
i think it’s erm..srious business.
they say if you get the fellowship scholarship deal and you don’t finish your pHD then you’re not going anywhere, PLUS you have to pay back the scholarship fee.
which means it is serious business.
and so mcm2 jgk ditanya td,
and candidate yg lain pn ader yg agak promising jgk: I.T+business, A.I & network (mechatronic eng), microbiology, and so on.
i’m thinking about the things that are at stake,
i was almost certain wayy back then,
but i think i’m considering a few things because somethng happened to someone, a few months ago
which made me think. some more.
bottom line is that:
it’s not a simple decision. but today’s session gave me the idea of what are the things that are most likely to come (in the future)
if i want to do what i want, to do it in a better position, i might need to prepare myself (again?) for the next part.
so i guess i want to say:
“welcome to reality, baby”
(if someone is willing to pay for another 3-4 years of study which you have to personally derive and drive on your own and which you have to ensure that you’ll complete and not fail which determines your entire career for the next half a decade or so, will you take the chance and risk the time and youth in your hands and give your all for it?)
’cause if you would, you might have to start searching. like now.
(among them someone said the feedback’s in january).
where do i go from here?
should i? go?
it’s 2.02 a.m in the morning as i write this.
i want to sleep, but there’s a lot inside me that i think i want to spill out. somewhere.
when i came here last february, i came here on my own.
no one came with me.
i remember pushing my luggage out of the airport.
the sun was out but i feel cold.
was it the wind, or just me feeling like i left something back thousands of miles away?
i don’t exactly know.
what i know is that at that time i found no feeling of joy upon arriving in a foreign country.
i guess i was just thinking: oh. okay. so i’m here. what now?
and then someone came to fetch me.
invited me to their home.
told me to sleep. or rest. but. whatever.
it’s not like i can sleep easily in a foreign place. i couldn’t even sleep on the plane.
i can’t sleep like i breathe.
and at that time, i wondered if i could really breathe.
and then came the course consultation day.
the usual: student meets lecturer(s)/program director/academic advisor. and then talk. discuss. decide the entire flow of your course. the whole thing.
when i came, i already know what i wanted.
i didn’t want a discussion.
i came because i wanted to tell them what i want.
and so, despite some of them not being convinced that i have a clear idea of what i wanted to do just bcause it’s my first few days after arriving (i mean sriously, wht kind of reason is that?), they eventually let me have what i want.
but that was after quite a struggle (frm me), trying to prove my point. because my academic advisor was soo concerned about me coming frm a “technical science” background but choosing a “social science” type of specialization.
of course i remembered him.
i remember his name. his face. what he said.
he kept repeating his point of view about me attempting to do something i’m not familiar with, and things like the challenge(s) of academic/essay writing, and again the 70% overall grade requirement in order to graduate with a master.
(the whole thing. as if i wasn’t aware of it bfore i came into this place. and saw him).
he goes on and on about not being “familiar” enough (or perhaps slightly hinting about not knowing enough or being capable enough?, i’m not exactly certain), saying somethng tht sounds like i might risk the overall grade and when i argued about trying something else/new discipline other than my past “technical science” bckground, and learning (more) on academic writing, and my suggestion of trying to go with my choice to see how it’s like first, etc., he was like, telling me that if anythng goes wrong with my grades in the first smster then it would be evn more dfficult to raise my grades in the 2nd one.
aftr our “discussion”, i knew i wasn’t going to follow what he said.
so i made my choice (and along the way i still rceived email(s) frm him “advising” me about my choice.
the thing is that, when i listened to him, although i do not doubt his experience and carefulness in “academic advising”, i can’t help but feel that he is telling me that i cannot do it even before he knows what i can or cannot do.
he didn’t even know what i can or can’t do. he hasn’t even seen my work or tutored or mentored me before. that was my first few days in the uni and my first few days with him.
i even explained to him why i wanted to do that specialized stream. i even explained to him what i was trying to aim at.
i thought that it would at least make sense.
but i don’t know why in the end i still received such emails.
and then i talked to dad. about choosing a specialization. but then. that’s another story. which i don’t feel like elaborating rite now.
so i made up my mind. (even when i feel like the authoritarian academic world is against it).
and then i met my head of program.
she was..okay (i guess). at least she lets me stay in her stream. and lets me reject things that i don’t want to do.
she doesn’t want me to do subjects that i might have remotely done before (in my undergrad years).
fast frward to 2 smesters later, i’m now sitting here. waiting for my 2nd smster rsults. bcause i would like to know if i can qualify for december’s graduation.
yesterday i met him. my academic advisor.
i was actually going to the office to pick up my final assignment (the one that is worth 65% of the entire subject’s grade).
i told him i’m going back d following month.
he looks surprised that i’m fnishng my stdies.
i don’t know why i didn’t stop myself. frm reminding him of who i was and what he was concerned about when he was academically “advising” me at the beginning of my studies.
when he asked about my choice i told him i chosed the specialized stream (anyway).
he asked about the year’s studies and i told him it was okay (i was okay. with it. i guess).
he asked if i am/was happy that i chose that specialization, and so i said i’m glad that i got to learn new things.
and he smiled that same smile.
and i guess he said “i’m glad it worked out for you.”
as i sit here wondering what my results would be (if they really are released tomorow),
what would it have been for me if i had listened to him and his advice?
what would it have been for me if i stayed “safe” and choose things that are “familiar” and instead of doing a major in a specialized stream i choose a non-specialized one because it’s less “risky” for my grades?
what if i had believed him instead of believing in myself (back then)?
he probably wouldn’t even remember me (like how he looked like he was struggling to remember if i was ever in 1 of his classes).
he looked like he didn’t even really remember what he’d said back then, until i reminded him of that period of time.
so, do you see what i see?
that sometimes in life there are people or things that can happen and make you doubt yourself and/or your choices.
and sometimes you might not know for sure if it’s the right choice. or if it’s entirely risk-free.
but to not choose it because someone is saying that you are not as capable as your choices require you to be, even when you haven’t even exerted your capabilities, and even when that person doesn’t even know you and your potential/capabilities, then that is a big risk itself.
because who knows, the things that you let go of today, will they come back again in the future?
and if they don’t, are we willing to pay for that kind of loss?
we just don’t know. the kind of future that we’ll be stepping into.
so i think,
don’t let people who don’t really know you, make you believe that they know you more than you know yourself.
bile kiter buat sesuatu kerana Allah,
kiter bukannyer buat satu “favour” untuk kegunaan Allah.
hakikatnya, Allah yg bagi satu “favour” untuk kegunaan kita,
(or sometimes even more).
our ibadah and/or good deeds are not a “favour” to Allah,
in fact it is Allah’s “favour” and “mercy” to us that we have the opportunity to do ibadah and/or good deeds.
ape yg aku buat, bukannyer satu privilege yg aku kurniakan kpd Allah,
tapi Allah yg kurniakan kpd hamba2-Nya sperti yg Dia dh tentukan.
kesihatan, tenaga, usia, smuanya dtg dari Dia,
jadi klau Dia nak ambik balik, itu hak Dia.
klau Dia tentukan sesuatu smpai aku tak dpt rase lg ape yg aku pernah rase,
then itu hak Dia, terpulanglah pd Dia.
at least Dia dh pnah bagi aku rase selame b’tahun2,
skrg klau Dia nak ambik balik,
ape yg aku boleh buat?
redha & bersyukur sbb pnah m’nikmatinya, atau nak marah2 dan mengamuk sbb rase aku memang DESERVE the BEST?
aku rase, kt sni bru boleh ckp:
“it was good while it lasted”
(mcm dlm petikan yg ntah dr mane yg mcm famous tuh).
memangla kdg2 bukan senang aku nk sabar, and redha
kdg2 nak bersyukur pun aku terlupe.
tapi bile aku rase mcm nak marah sbb aku lose something or kene bagi2 something yg aku nak or yg aku ada with me,
sometimes aku fikir: aku nak syg harta aku tu lebih dari aku syg tuhan ke?
org2 yg berhijrah dgn tulus di jln-Nya,
dorg pun tinggalkan byk benda, bukan stakat harta dan rumah, malah ader yg tinggalkan org2 yg dikasihi,
tinggalkan keselesaan hidup,
tinggalkan kesenangan dan sense of familiarity.
imagine having something for as long as you can remember and cherishing it,
but leaving it all behind utk berhijrah kerana-Nya.
utk org2 ni, nilai cinta pd Allah dan Rasul itu melebihi cinta kpd harta dan keselesaan hidup.
aku nak marah apebenda nyer?
aku dh buat mcm2 benda yg tk btul pun, yg salah sane sini pun, tapi tuhan bagi lagi mcm2 nikmat.
padahal klau nak ikut tahap, aku rase aku duduk kat bawah2 skali.
sbb dlm masjid pun bile aku nak pergi solat lepas wudhu’, aku masih sibuk nak pergi ambik beg aku dulu sbb aku takut harta benda aku hilang.
padahal dh berkumandang azan, maksudnya dh berlaungan panggilan utk org Islam (mcm aku) pergi solat.
tapi aku boleh pusing balik (pergi tempat yg dh tentu2 tmpat group prempuan yg aku kuliah same2 tu) utk ambik beg dulu.
pas tu masuk tinggal brape minit je la nak start jemaah.
k’sudahannyer: tak sembahyang sunat (pun).
itu kat masjid.
bygkanla, dh smpai masjid pun buat perangai sibukkan harta benda lg.
mcmane aku nak become better bile sayang aku tak bertempat?
(malah kdg2 berlebih2an t’hdp bnda lain)
post ni bukan stakat utk bercerite, tapi jugak utk tazkirah diri aku sendiri sbb dlm diri aku masih byk yg aku tak cukupkan, yg aku belum smpurnakan.
mudah2an tuhan tolong la kita semua utk dpt keredhaan-Nya,
ape yg aku nk tulis dlm post ni, bukan utk org lain semata, tapi jgk utk peringatan bg diri aku sndiri. bukan berniat menyalahkan sesiape, tapi sbg peringatan utk aku yg akan meniti hari2 sblm tibanya hari yg dijanjikan tu.
ni klau rse mcm tak best, then ambik yg baik2 je la, ye.
yg buruk2 tu tak pyh la disimpan.
dlm byk2 benda yg aku feel affected with, they include: ilmu pengetahuan.
bile ckp tentang menuntut/menimba/mendapatkan ilmu pengetahuan, rsenye tak lari jauh dari soal “menyerap” ilmu pengetahuan tu.
bile kite prgi belajar, it is not jst a matter of pergi klas, tulis2, pas 2 balik.
bukannye duduk dlm kelas, mndengar, menulis, buat assgnmnt, yg mnentukan atau mnjamin ilmu tu dpt di absorb.
ilmu tu kita dpt absorb dgn izin-Nya.
klau tuhan bagi kita hati yg terang, pancaindera yg jelas, fikiran dan nurani yg khusyu’ dan tenang, semua tu adalah nikmat.
kdg2 kite boleh dgar b’ulang2 tapi satu pn tk lekat dlm hati & fkiran, sdgkn ada msenye kite dgar spintas lalu je tpi kite boleh recall balik ape yg diberitahukn kpd kita.
itu la sbhgn nikmat yg tuhan beri.
objective pergi belajar bukan smestinye tercapai dgn s’kadar kita dtg kelas dan duduk 1 or 2 sessions.
bukan smestinya tercapai dgn spending hours on assgnmnts.
it is more than that.
mksud aku, it is not only dtg class, not only buat assgnment, tpi hati dan fikiran pun berusaha utk mendapatkan ilmu dan jiwa pun berusaha utk berharap pd Dia.
berharap Dia izinkan kita dpt ilmu,
berharap Dia beri peluang jalani satu ibadah (mnuntut ilmu) yg diterima oleh-Nya,
berharap niat kita waktu belajar tu betul, tak terpesong atau dipesongkan,
berharap klau bukan ilmu pengetahuan yg direct pn, skurang2nya ada pengajaran (lain) yg kita boleh dpt,
dan jugak berharap bahawa usaha kita tak sia2.
ini cerita beyond dtg kelas dan duduk dan mendengar dan buat kerja.
mksudnye, bukan stakat dtg dan duduk dan dengar dan buat keje je.
klau tak dtg, tak duduk dan tak dengar, lagi la aku tak tahu camane nk describe.
(okay, aku mengaku, aku pnah jugak sblm2 ni guilty of all these things that i’m saying, and tht i’m about to say. especially mase aku buat undergrad aku dulu).
but the point(s) are that,
klau tak dtg, tpi ader jgk duduk dan dgar (maybe frm othr altrnatives), aku rase boleh lg ader harapan nk dpt somethng.
klau tak dtg, tak duduk, tapi dgar (maybe frm othr reliable sources), aku rase still msih ader hrpn lg utk dpt sesuatu.
tpi klau tak dtg, tak duduk, dan tak (nak) dgar, then aku tk tahu harapan kt mane lg s’lain yg tuhan izinkan utk diberi.
sbb mnuntut ilmu tu m’mang la require effort.
bukan mcm mi segera, tuang air panas tutup skjap, then bleh makan.
of course la tak smudah tu.
nk dpt ilmu tu ader la cabaran2 nye, usaha nye, jln cerita nye or something.
jln mndptkn ilmu tu bukan slalu smooth and safe.
smtimes ader things yg kne sacrifice.
smtimes ader things yg somehow you lose in order to gain the ilmu tht you’re striving for.
so jgn la respond cam haper bile tgok some people know this and that
you might’ve already know that in order for you to know this and that, there are things that you have to do
it is not a miracle that people know things
it is a blessing from Allah and among those who make the effort, Allah knows.
Allah akan bagi pd siapa Dia kehendaki
sbg hamba2-Nya yg tak seberape mcm kiter ni,
kiter tak tahu pun Allah nk bagi pd siape;
jd ape yg kiter boleh buat is just berusaha & meminta pd Dia.
dlm hal ni, bile aku sedar aku kurang tahu psl something,
or kurang arif psl something,
i think it’s easier for me to think: “ni memang kekurangan aku, aku sndiri punyer pasal sbb tk ckup study,than to think that: “kenape aku tak dpt ilmu tu? i DESERVE to know more than her, etc.”
sbbnye, aku rse aku tak “deserve” aper2 pn.
aku bukannye ader aper2 yg dtg dari diri aku sndiri, kan? semuanya yg aku ada dtg dari Dia.
klau aku tk pergi study, tak make the effort, tak nak blajar, tak nak dgar, aku rase lg laa betape takde aper2 nyer aku ni.
betape tak bermanfaatnyer hidup aku ni stelah tuhan beri nikmat dan manfaat-Nya kpd aku.
so, klau aku dh ambik/terima/gune at least 1 nikmat pn dari tuhan,
mknenyer ader la yg aku perlu buat kerana-Nya.
Allah dh bgtahu Dia jadikan kita bukan utk main2.
Dia dh bagi kita nyawa, pancaindera & kudrat.
Malaysia atau Melbourne, kita tetap ader “kerja” utk dilakukan.
in the end i believe tht people make choices.
if you want it, do you think it would just come running to you without you doing anything much?
do you think this is like a fairytale,
that if you leave your shoe then someone would come and find you and sarungkan your shoe for you and then marry you and then you live in the palace happily ever after?
what can i say?
sometimes aku terfikir mcm2 bnda smpai ke tahap yg bukan isu aku, sbb aku sgt rase sesuatu bile aku nmpak sesuatu yg meng “frust” kan perasaan.
klau stiap kali aku perlu ditatang dibelai dijemput dgn pnuh cinta kasih semata2 utk dtg satu benda yg bukan stakat benefitnye utk diri aku sndiri jgk, malah benda tu adalah sbhgn dari tuntutan Risalah kita dari-Nya, then aku rase: bersalahnya diri aku. kerana usaha aku bersyarat. sdgkan nikmat dari-Nya kpd aku takde syarat dan tidak bertepi.
kt sini, bukan aku nak tonjolkan kesalahan sesiape.
ok, so mgkn jgk aku yg tak faham. maybe aku yg tak ckup berhikmah. maybe aku yg tak ckup bersabar.
tapi, utk setiap ketidakcukupan dari pihak aku, cukup ke utk menjadi penyebab for something like this?
klau ckup, then aku rse ckuplah aku mencuba. sbb ada msenye aku jadi takut klau percubaan aku tu yg buatkan ketidakcukupan aku mencukupkan penyebab perkara ni.
mksudnye. aku takut klau semua tak berhasil kerana masalah dtg dari percubaan aku.
aku tkut aku yg jadi penyebab sume ni, na’uzubillah.
aku rase, biarla aku undur diri.
sape tahu, mgkn di mase akn dtg ade lg org lain yg rela tolong tatang, belai dan jemput dgn pnuh cinta kasih utk kepentingan sesama insan (mcm keadaan ni).
smpai bile kite snggup nk duduk m’nunggu seseorg dtg dan sarungkan kasut kaca dikaki utk tunaikan impian indah yg mgkin kite sangkekan milik kita tu?
sedangkan masa dan usia tak menunggu kita,
dan kenyataan hidup tak pernah m’ninggalkan kita.
kita takkan bernyawa selamanya.
itulah hakikat fitrah manusia.
sama ada kita terima atau tidak, ia tetap akan berlaku.