All posts tagged beliefs

it isn’t just love.

Published February 14, 2012 by crystalights

i hope that what i’m about to write about, is not a way of being judgemental. about anyone. or anything much. but.

this is what i think of when i see a lot of happenings around me. for quite a while now.


i think that love should not be the reason that holds people back from what they could become.

if a person has potentials and capabilities and especially willingness to move forward, then why shouldn’t they do so (if it doesn’t defy any divine law)?

why shouldn’t they be more than what they could be just because it would provide more comfort to the people they are tied to in the name of love;


what is love?

does love mean that everything else doesn’t count?

that evrything else doesn’t matter?

what about those years that you worked hard for, those things that you’ve learnt, those people who were there taking care of your back, fending for you, fighting for you, making the effort for you?

people who’ve helped you along the way, people who love you even before you knew what love is;

and what about other people? the rest of the world who needs love and concern as well?


if you truly love someone, would you want them to put away their dreams and aspirations JUST for YOU?

is it fair for them? that you not only have them by your side anytime anywhere, you even have them forsaking their dreams for you.


is love selfish?

because no, i don’t believe that love is. selfish.

but i believe that at some point, some things have got to give.


if it means that you leave work 24 hours earlier so that the one you love can see a dying family member,

or the one you love can function and contribute as a member of society whether or not you love her more than you’ve ever loved anybody else

or the one you love can excel in her own field even more than yours despite the fact that you love her when you know you’re a prideful man;

or the one you love can be guided and corrected by you without having to put her down or below you or letting her mistakes be ignored just because you love her

or the one you love will have her dreams, ambitions and wishes be considered in the decisions that you make even if you hold the power or authority in your household

then i guess that is what “giving” in love means.

(and when i say love, i mean love dlm ikatan yg sah. klau tk camane nk ceriter bab2 household nih).


so yes

it’s not that i don’t believe in love

it’s just that i don’t want to feel like: “it’s okay to be selfish (if) i’m in love” as if love justifies everything else on this earth.


as if it’s okay to let the one you love put their life on hold just to make way for yours but you just expect it to be that way because this is the definition of rights, love and loyalty or obligations to you, the “deserving” one.

walaupun sbg “nakhoda” kamu berhak, tapi sbg “anak kapal” dia juga punya hak utk dikasihi dan diperlakukan sbgaimana dia mengasihi dan memperlakukan with unwavering loyalty and respect.

walaupun kamu “nakhoda” yang punya hak, tak salah pun if you consider what she feels or need when you practice your rights. if you love her, would you demand what you deserve, or would you feel thankful and appreciate her efforts especially when she comes to your aid willingly out of love?

her efforts that are manifestations of her loyalty and sense of duty should not be taken for granted, right?

lagipn bukan ke Rasullullah (s.a.w) pernah berkata:

“Yang terbaik di antara kamu adalah yang paling baik dengan isterinya”

Rasulullah (s.a.w) pun tk pernah mendisiplinkan isteri dgn cara marah2 di khalayak.


so i think

even if i might not know what love is,

i really don’t think i agree with the kind of love that holds people back from what they could become, or disregard their ambitions and wishes, and disrespect their feelings or thoughts, or disregard their loyalty and sense of duty and in itself, disregarding the sincerity of their love.


if we know how big it means to love,

would we so recklessly claim to love and to be in love?


life. and happenings.

Published January 13, 2012 by crystalights


i went to the program in banting last weekend.

kisahnyer pjg.

i kinda got a little lost on my way there,

and i guess i kinda freaked out a little.


sbb klau sesat kt melbourne i think i can still trace the transportation network back to where i want to be.

tapi ni kt area2 klang/hulu selangor kot. aku m’mang tak brape tahu sgt transportation network kt situ.

pulak tu aku gerak sendiri, so sorg2 kt situ.

i mean, look at me. dh brape lame aku tak balik pun.


so takpe2.

nk pergi punyer psl, at last setelah 3 bas dan 1 kereta pick up aku, last2 aku smpai jugak.

and the program was great.

it was a nice wake-up call tapi at the same time it’s fun.

game dier cam seronok/klakar.

pas 2 mase hri pnutup kluar rakaman kitorg main belon air pas 2 muke aku cam cuak2 campak belon air ke org blakang skali jatuh bergolek belon tu pas 2 org blakang 2 kne pas ke dpn balik and start over. and then i heard the pple laughing;

hihi, betape pathetic nye aku, cmpak belon pun tk brape nk lepas.



group kitorg mnang 1st price utk prsembahan.

skrip sketsa kitorg ader lg dlm beg aku.

most of the idea ws frm my friend, kitorg discuss2 then came up with a few scenes.


cerite psl a group of turtles who finally went home.


mule2 kitorg ingatkn grp lain yg mnang, sbb cerite dorg best.

ape taknyer, mcm tgok drama kt tv, ader storyline/plot yg interesting, pas 2 pelakon2 yg betol2 berkesan ala2 natural talent gitu.

so that was a pleasant surprise, hihi.


pas balik dari banting i went to bangi and some places to visit some people.

dpt la jumpe a few friends, kwn sejak skolah, kwn yg b’lainan skolah, and also kwn2 uni yg jd hsemate dgn aku since kitorg mude remaje lg.

ader org lg yg aku nk jumpe, tpi timing tak brape kene sgt sbb i feel like i need to be somewhere else so mcm tk sempat.
insyaAllah, klau boleh aku nk jumpe jgk nnti.


aku rase, in the end aku realize yg as time passes, the way your life change might mean that sometimes the lives that people lead are different.


but it doesn’t mean that you’re isolated from each other.


it jst means that maybe there are new things that you don’t really know much about happening to you or the people around you.


wlaupun aku rse aku tk dpt nk comprehend semue benda sbb aku tak tahu a lot, tapi aku rse aku realize yg sume org ader cabaran masing2 yg each person has to face.


takde pun yg terus happy forever tanpa aper2 struggle atau cabaran langsung.


sume org teruskan hidup dgn cara yg tersendiri, mcmane they cope with whatever that they have to deal with.


so of course no, i don’t think we can say whose life is the nicest or easiest,

sbb hakikatnyer hidup m’mang dtg dgn dugaan2 yg tersendiri.


hidup m’mang menuntut usaha.


so i guess it’s okay that people have things to strive for.


i was (a lot more) selfish back then, and my strong-headedness might’ve pushed people to some sort of edge,

but now i think i understand

that the acceptance of changes in life could mean that you’re finding peace with it.

i don’t want to be a bitter person for the rest of my life

or regret whatever i didn’t have in the past all the way into the future


takpela, we just take what we have and we work for what we look forward to.


alhamdulillah utk satu hari lg menerima kurniaan-Nya.


Published December 7, 2011 by crystalights

watching the sun set from the highest floor of the highest skydeck in the Southern Hemisphere 

is nothing short of amazing.

it’s the 88th floor of the Eureka Skydeck (Tower)


eventually the sun sets.

and only then did the city lights become more visible.

the transition was beautifully slow

little by little

the redness splashed in rainbow streaks across the horizon.

little by little

i find myself bearing the things that i thought was almost unbearable;

little by little

i realized that it doesn’t matter what i feel

i got up there anyway

i saw the sun go down and disappear beneath the line

it does not wait

for anyone to be with it

it just sets

the way that it is meant to set (in).


staring at the sun from the highest floor

everything seems so much clearer.

looking at the airplanes gently cruising the sky

and the sun slowly sinking so smoothly

i know that the world moves (on) as time passes (by)

it does not stop unless predestined.



you and i are not who we used to be

the sun and the earth is not how it used to be

the view from the top is not how it used to be


we are among those used to how it used to be


you only notice the citylights when the sun disappeared.

but of course,

the citylights can never be the sun.

a thousand generic flicker can never outworth the value of one star.


they may be similar but always, always not the same

always trying to fill in the inadequacy

always, but not enough.


i think

no matter how beautiful the view is it will never be perfect without the sun in it.


the sun doesn’t have to wait for me,

let me wait for the sun.


i can’t be the way you want me to be just like i can’t sleep with my eyes open

we see things when they’re open

when they’re closed we take more breather

when they’re closed we sleep off the entire world

because beautiful things doesn’t stop your eyes from closing


when the time comes


open or closed, aren’t they still your eyes?





and everything just falls into place.

Published November 19, 2011 by crystalights


i’m in the middle of some closet clean up/tidying.


i realized that i might go for some classes and activities and whatnot, so i may not always have lots and lots of time left before mom and mak long comes here.


and yesterday mom called, her (travel) visa’s done (i think). she’s probably just happy and waiting to get out and come here for some sight-seeing or something.


i think, the more i think of it, the more i feel like i should have just returned after my final submissions..but since there’s the graduation to think about, plus mom wants to come and see the graduation and this place, plus i don’t think if i go back it would be easy for me to return again (even if it’s just for a graduation ceremony) considering the amount of physical and emotional disentanglement it took for me just to come and stay here, so yeah, i think (and i believe that) there’s a purpose why i’m still here (until december).


after i clicked the button for my final online submission of my final assignment of my final semester, everything does feel like it’s final.


i am leaving, insyaAllah.


and then i have to think about what to do next. no i have to think about what to do next before i even leave.


i’m not gonna be young forever.


not gonna live forever.


i tried what i felt like i could do to take care of a lot of things, but not all of them end up the way i want them to be.

because reality may not always be predictable.

and people change.

i think i, myself of all people, would know what that means.

it’s not gonna be just like a ride in the park.

you pay and you get on and then after you get off you can take another one.


it isn’t that simple.


so because i’m still here i have to try and make some good come out of it, right? i believe that there is a purpose why i’m still here.


i can’t get a temporary job as for now, but i’m taking some time attending things, looking for opportunities to learn some things, so i guess it’s ok.


i just. wanted to feel like i’m making use of what time that i have left here.


i think i spent the entire year thinking. no, probably my entire teenage to young adulthood up until now (still thinking, i think).


the days after my final assignment submission was probably spent in and out of unconscious wonder


how did i get through that?


i remember reading that assignment and thinking: oh. did i write all that?


a few days before my final assignment’s submission, some unhappy things happened.

so i figured i had to run away 

but at least try to finish my final assignment.

because as much as i want to allow myself more thinking and wallowing and extremely emotional release,

i can’t graduate without submitting my final assignment.

so i prayed, and pulled myself together, and left the house.

before i left tht day, i remember telling myself to never come back unless i finish all that i have to do.

(because coming back would mean allowing that upsetting reality to set in and surrendering to my emotional side)

so i left and stayed in campus

i tried to do what i could, but then night time comes and i slept under the table in the grduate lounge but woke up at around 3a.m with no one around and then changed places and slept at the table in the computer room until it was around 4 or 5a.m.

and then i went to the musolla.

afterwards after the sun came out i continued to work on my assignment but by that evening i feel so tired and sad, even when i feel like i still have to do more

so i asked my friends and they’re ok with me sleeping over

and that lead to me spending a few days cooped up at my friend’s place finishing up the assignment, using their stuff, computer, etc; i didn’t even leave their house during that period and only ate what was in their kitchen and living room.

by the time i almost finished my assignment, they ran out of bread, hzelnut choc spread, and cereals.


i feel so sorry for them.


but it was so good.


everything just falls into place.


and by the midnight before the dateline,


i felt like i was ready to submit the assignment.


i think

this is how life happens

it’s all arranged into place

by our one and only Creator

i got upset, went away and stayed overnight in campus, and because of that i  felt uncomfortable, restless and tired, and so i sought for a place to go to, and then end up in my friend’s home, who’ve finished their exams and are on temporary jobs so i could use her computer to finish my assignment there before submitting it online in that house

it all makes sense to me

that this is probably what needs to happen in order for me to reach that end goal

that in life sometimes this is how things just fall into place

how everything that is destined to happen will happen

how god has arranged everything for us in the best way even when we may not understand it

i believe that Allah knows best.


so while i’m here,

even when i’m yearning to go home even more now that we’re almost entering the last month of 2011,

i want to attend extra classes, meet some people and do some more readings

i want to feel like i’m doing what i could to fill my time while i wait for that flight home

and i want to be

among those who are thankful to the One who created me




pride and persistence

Published November 16, 2011 by crystalights

so i sent that message to you

because even after all that has happened all this time

i know that there are things that are more important than my self-assured pride

i should have known

that being the only one thinking that way

could mean being hurt more than what i’ve ever imagined


i think i understand

that sometimes some people find some things more difficult to give away

but some people gave them away anyway (no matter how difficult)

because giving is what you’ll eventually have to do

in order for you to receive

and what is more valuable than your selfish pride and egoistic perceptions

is something that you cannot create with your own hands


because you live in a big world, no matter how small it is

and you’re a small soul, no matter how big you dream

and you’re not entirely independent, no matter how much you believe that you are

you’re not above and beyond those whom you’ve known

you can’t bend the wind and move the earth at your will

you can’t even put a heart at your beck and call

perhaps not even your own heart

you are just another creation with the roles of which you are created for

so don’t

make me feel 

like i owe you the world

when i have believed

that all that i’m trying to do

was live up to that role

and this name

the reason of my return to the same road after all this

wasn’t for you or because of you

it was for that role and this name.


because underneath all the mess

someone’s got to do what they can to fix the damage

and i’m not sure if it will be you

so i guess

i’m gonna have to

do more than what i used to do

or what i would have done in my distant past

of which you were partly part of

but perhaps not as crystal as when we parted before our parting



to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights


sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.


sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.


sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.


so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return


we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another


and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.


i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.


i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.


i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it