breaking

All posts tagged breaking

some things need a bit more thinking.

Published January 30, 2012 by crystalights

last weekend we went to their house

it was actually my dad’s attempt for my adik to get a massage for his head injury.

i didn’t really agree but ok, let’s skip that part.

 

so we stayed at where we usually stay at

i got to meet them + abg zaid (woah it is kinda weird writing his name in my blog but whatever, i prefer writing the name of a naturally neutral party)

disclaimer: he is my abg saudara. we don’t really have conversations or any of those stuff, most of the time it’s jst me talking and him looking like he’s listening. which is fine with me).

i thought i didn’t wanna go but

before the trip my dad was trying to deliver his point which i wasn’t quite sure if i really agree with but ok, let’s skip that part as well.

 

not everyone thinks the same way but it’s ok, let’s skip it.

 

what’s important is that i didn’t decide to go because of people.

 

i’m doing it because i have this purpose that i believe in which is not human-centred.

 

i know myself and what i’m like

even if people may not always understand

it’s ok

it’s not always about me.

 

but overall the trip/visit was ok

i think we arrived there and arrived home on different days but in record speed.

i slept in the car but i can feel the vehicle vibrating like massively

i think it was 130-140kmph

i ate like 3 tangerines in one day

there’s only a few left

and lots and lots of roasted chestnuts

they’re soo good it’s almst like it’s addictive how i keep on munching on them up until last night

so today i woke up feeling like i’m hungover (as if i know what a hangover feels like, :-P) after eating those. trus rase cam sengal2 s’mcm.

 

but sriously,

i think

sometimes some people want concrete, tangible things.

sometimes for some people it’s not enough to just understand.

sometimes people want it crystal clear and physically solidly uncontested and irrevocable.

like your dad asking for the serial number on your graduate scroll.

or when you’re told to check your account for the second time in 48hours even when you’re certain that there is no way that the balance will increase in two days.

or people not accepting that they have more than enough or at least enough to get by, saying that your life is better than theirs because it is their reason for becoming who they are.

 

well

i don’t think i have it easy,

i have things that i have to struggle for jgk.

i think this is life. for everyone.

 

*

and so my transcript’s finally here last week

so now i think i can use it for any upcoming applications ^__^

 

am i willling to let myself be entirely defined by these papers (?) no, i don’t think so.

 

it is a paper i use to try and get somewhere. it is not an ultimate goal.

same mcm sarjana tu. it is a tool for a bigger purpose.

not for worldly symbols or as a collection of achievement.

tapi sometimes bile kiter nak make a difference and induce positive changes dlm umat ni in this twisted world sometimes papers are a requirement

you know, sometimes even when we have our own way of things we have to play it by their rules (but still, we have our principles).

so

bile kiter nak “infiltrate” ke dalam jaring-jaring pasca modenisasi

sometimes byk la langkahnye yg kiter kene ambil sblm kiter mendarat di perbatasan

sblm kiter menjayekan matlamat besar kiter,

ada byk benda yg maybe kiter akan hadapi along the way.

 

dlm perjalanan yg pjg, anything can happen.

tapi, aku rase yg penting: cara perjuangan DAN matlamat perjuangan.

semata-mata utk siapa dan utk apa?

 

“Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang beriman, dan orang-orang yang berhijrah dan berjihad di jalan Allah, mereka itulah yang mengharapkan rahmat Allah. Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang.” [Al-Baqarah: 218]

 

think about it.

in this life, when you fight and you struggle, what are you actually fighting or striving for?

adakah utk m’nunjukkan pada sesiape bahawe kiter telah “menang”?

atau utk kdudukan khidupan duniawi yg maksima?

atau kerana tanggungjawab di sini dan jgk pengharapan pd hari kebangkitan kita nnti?

 

do you wonder about what you’re looking for when you open your eyes each day?

Advertisements

ok, fine.

Published January 28, 2012 by crystalights

maybe i’m jst being a worrywart

but i think, this time it’s probably just my pride taking over.

 

i’m used to people not understanding

but i can’t help but feel that this time, the fault really was not mine.

 

sbb tu aku mcm susah skit nk fix it

bcause i feel that it wasn’t my wrongdoings

 

it is not my fault that a few times when something goes unpretty my academic background becomes an arguing ticket for people

honestly it’s not like the credit was mine

it’s not even impressive or anything

aku bersyukur la dgn ape yg Allah bagi tapi aku tahu ni sume bukannye dtg dari aku and i’m not even flaunting it

bersyukur dan gembire tu aderla. tpi bukannye nk rub it in anybody’s faces ke aper

bukan nak bwat semahu hati atas tiket “tamat pengajian sarjana”

 

dah la sometimes i feel like i’m his trophy

but whatever, maybe i’m jst a paranoid pessimist

 

tapi sriously,

what can i do?

 

i think i’m jst carrying out my duty

as part of an ummah who was given an opportunity

 

i have to consider what he thinks or feel jgk

dier ckp sejak aku balik ni skali pn aku tk pnah pergi

ok fine;

forget the fact that i don’t live in kL,

i was in d middle of a few things,

i can’t just take the car and drive, i am trying to complete my driving license,

and i have a few people i have to see

and i’ve been kinda occupied with the job hunting and that prvious intrview

ok fine;

fine fine fine

even if all that is not reason enough

then can i ever have that opportunity to claim my fare share of the benefit of the doubt?

that i would’ve at least tried to not let these worldly things get to my head (?)

 

will i ever be free of the notion that my absence and response is a manifestation of my academic life?

 

i just..

i usually don’t even care

but this time i think i have to at least be a little concerned because i believe in reasons and purposes

and that there is something that i have to do no matter what for the sake of The One Who Created me.

 

sure i think i can protect my pride and walk away (like those many times bfore)

but then

i think i realize now that i have an obligation to protect this tie.

 

so what i feel is not important.

 

aku nak berusaha

walaupn aku rase mcm kne deal with somethng yg aku tak nak deal with pn

sbb aku tak nmpak ape2 s’lain dari persepsi peribadi seorg insan.

 

tapi tkpela

ok fine;

i’ll deal with it

 

i’ll take this,

fine.

 

bg aku personally, smbung blajar bukan satu benda utk dibanggakan,

smbung blajar aku ibaratkn mcm tnggungjawab diri jika berkemampuan.

 

ape yg aku nk banggekan? sume yg aku ada bukan dtg dari aku. knape pulak itu nk dikaitkn dgn bnda lain yg not even remotely directly related?

 

oh dear, TELL ME what on earth could i possibly HAVE done?

 

i’m not really into this topic anyway so

why bother

 

malasnye nk fikir abt these thngs

 

whatever.

fine.

you’re free to think.

 

fine fine fine.

to just be.

Published January 23, 2012 by crystalights

when i was younger,

i liked watching jpanese anime.

i think, i still do now.

i like that there is a story behind every character that is drawn, and that the drawings beautifully depicts this.

 

there was this anime which i really made an effort to follow, frm the beginning untill the end

it was:

“honey and clover”.

 it was this really heartfelt story about a group of people who are very different but has this common ground that somehow puts them together: art and studies.

and in the midst of each of their own personal trials and tribulations, they somehow survived and came to know more about what love and life really is:

it’s not all sweet and pretty and predictable all the time

and a lot of times what the story is saying is something that really hits home.

 

when the cool-headed nomiya brought yamada who was grieving an unrequited love to view the ferris wheel from the balcony of his apartment 

he knew she was in this deep sadness

and he talked about how

some things look better when they’re seen from a far distance

because once you come near and got on it

it isn’t anything as enticing as that view from afar.

 

and then i think

she gets what he means

and she can only allow herself to wallow.

 

*

 

i think

some things require effort and sacrifices

and time and especially: the arrangement of fate and destiny

 

but if it’s not meant to be and you’re somewhere else other than the kind of situation that you thought you wanted to be in

 

then perhaps you’re just exactly where you’re supposed to be

(even when you find it so hard to believe)

 

because every path and consequences are written

 

and you,

you might think that you don’t want to be the onlooker of a beautiful view,

you want to be within that and be there to know what it’s like from the inside looking out instead of the outside looking in

because you want to know what it’s like to be encased in a breathtaking view

 

 

but really

could it be that the grass is greener on the other side

when you know it’s been the same earth and the same sunshine

the same kind of feeling you get when you watch the lights glitter in the dark

the same soreness of a yearning heart

 

eventually

wouldn’t we be in the same cycle again

that we would want something that we have yet to have

or that we could never have

that is unreachable no matter how tangible

 

perhaps happiness means

that you’re just happy regardless of how near or far you are from that breathtaking view

that you can close your eyes and see it there anyway, even when it isn’t there when you open them

and seeing them there doesn’t change the way you feel about where you are

because the fact that you’re somewhere distant enough to see and feel and think

is reason enough for you to just be. happy. or at least remotely content.

 

i think there is a reason why there is only one snow white even when there are 7 dwarfs;

maybe,

some people are meant to be rescued

while others are meant to be rescuing.

 

maybe

some people are meant to be looked up to

but it doesn’t mean that they’re not looking after.

 

maybe

some people are meant to be more than what they are to themselves

 

maybe

some people take a longer time for a happy ending

not because they are undeserving

but because our Creator is kind enough to give more time and distance for our selves to learn, to seek, and to be enriched with valuable lessons and experiences

 

everyone has their own struggles

so

perhaps there is no one particular thing that exactly defines our lives’ worth.

the last entry of the year.

Published December 31, 2011 by crystalights

 

mgkn kblkngn ni agak carried away with travelling, and cleaning and tidying and contacting people and planning and settling in and some other things,

smpai hmpir2 terlupe that the new year is just around the corner. 

and it’s like a rather near “corner” if i might add, in fact it’s coming in the nxt few hours (insyaAllah).

 

a lot of bittersweet things happened throughout this year.

i think the fact that i finally got home in one piece before the year ended was a big mercy itself, alhamdulillah.

 

okay.

(aku rase post ni bukan post utk mengenang dan bukan jugak utk bergenang airmata).

hihi.

 

anyway,

aku rase,

point aku is something like this:

sometimes, time and growth and development can’t always be tampered with. or manipulated.

maybe you can do something about the place and space.

but time and growth and development, they’re more than what a single person can control.

more than what one soul can completely override.

the cherry tree is covered in order to protect it from some elements

it wasn’t covered for the purpose of manipulating its growth

or interfere with its development.

 

some things you can nourish and lead

but you can’t entirely intrude and perform its (particular) role

you can’t live someone else’ life for them,

or completely make their decisions for them.

 

to each person is their own (role. and life. and decisions). but,

even if some things can’t be done or undone in another person’s place,

it doesn’t mean we can’t help each other find the better path out there.

every soul is separate, but it doesn’t mean that they are isolated.

 

point kpd point aku is that:

barangkali, setiap org itu sndiri yg akhirnya buat pilihan utk diri sndiri,

dan akhirnya, pilihan itu lah yg setiap org itu akan live with.

takdir tetap akan membawa kita ke mana kita telah ditentukan utk pergi,

tapi di bhgn2 tertentu kita akan tertolak utk membuat pilihan

dan setiap pilihan kita diketahui-Nya,

setiap akibat dari pilihan kita diketahui-Nya,

malah setiap akibat dari yg bukan pilihan kita pun sudah diketahui-Nya.

pd takdir telah tertulis setiap pilihan, setiap akibat dan setiap kesudahan dari pilihan2 kita itu, kerana Dia Maha Mengetahui.

 

tahun hadapan pd masa yg sama seperti ini,

di mlm yg terakhir utk tahun itu nnti,

jgk sudah pun diketahui-Nya.

utk setiap ketika, jika pilihan kita merosakkan diri kita,

disebalik segala yg berlaku, wlaupun keburukan yg buruk itu disebabkn oleh diri kita sndiri, namun setiap yg baik tetap merupakn kurnia-Nya, dan ketentuan-Nya atas kita tetap adalah yg terbaik utk kita pada masa itu, pada wktu sesuatu itu terjadi.

sbb pengetahuan kita yg singkat tak mungkin sama dgn pengetahuan Dia yg Maha luas dan Maha Mengetahui,

dan keputusan dan pilihan seorg manusia tak mungkin sebaik apa yg telah diputuskan oleh-Nya utk kita.

 

point kpd point kpd point aku is that:

wlaupun kita yg akan buat pilihan, tapi tetap takdir Allah yg menentukan.

dan takdir tak boleh dipersalahkan atas aper2 pilihan yg kita pilih.

utk setiap pilihan, ada akibat yg akan tiba, walau kita tak menginginkannya sekalipun.

 

so in the end i think, what we choose is not only what we have to live with, but also what we have to be responsible for.

 

and i guess, that is all.

 

and with that i conclude my last post of this entire year,

 

 

(goodbye 2011).

they don’t know you more than you know yourself.

Published December 2, 2011 by crystalights

it’s 2.02 a.m in the morning as i write this.

i want to sleep, but there’s a lot inside me that i think i want to spill out. somewhere.

 

when i came here last february, i came here on my own.

no one came with me.

no one.

 

i remember pushing my luggage out of the airport.

the sun was out but i feel cold.

was it the wind, or just me feeling like i left something back thousands of miles away?

i don’t exactly know.

what i know is that at that time i found no feeling of joy upon arriving in a foreign country.

i guess i was just thinking: oh. okay. so i’m here. what now?

 

and then someone came to fetch me.

invited me to their home.

told me to sleep. or rest. but. whatever.

it’s not like i can sleep easily in a foreign place. i couldn’t even sleep on the plane.

i can’t sleep like i breathe.

and at that time, i wondered if i could really breathe.

 

and then came the course consultation day.

the usual: student meets lecturer(s)/program director/academic advisor. and then talk. discuss. decide the entire flow of your course. the whole thing.

when i came, i already know what i wanted.

i didn’t want a discussion.

i came because i wanted to tell them what i want.

and so, despite some of them not being convinced that i have a clear idea of what i wanted to do just bcause it’s my first few days after arriving (i mean sriously, wht kind of reason is that?), they eventually let me have what i want.

 

but that was after quite a struggle (frm me), trying to prove my point. because my academic advisor was soo concerned about me coming frm a “technical science” background but choosing a “social science” type of specialization.

 

of course i remembered him.

i remember his name. his face. what he said.

he kept repeating his point of view about me attempting to do something i’m not familiar with, and things like the challenge(s) of academic/essay writing, and again the 70% overall grade requirement in order to graduate with a master.

(the whole thing. as if i wasn’t aware of it bfore i came into this place. and saw him).

 

he goes on and on about not being “familiar” enough (or perhaps slightly hinting about not knowing enough or being capable enough?, i’m not exactly certain), saying somethng tht sounds like i might risk the overall grade and when i argued about trying something else/new discipline other than my past “technical science” bckground, and learning (more) on academic writing, and my suggestion of trying to go with my choice to see how it’s like first, etc., he was like, telling me that if anythng goes wrong with my grades in the first smster then it would be evn more dfficult to raise my grades in the 2nd one.

 

aftr our “discussion”, i knew i wasn’t going to follow what he said.

 

so i made my choice (and along the way i still rceived email(s) frm him “advising” me about my choice.

 

the thing is that, when i listened to him, although i do not doubt his experience and carefulness in “academic advising”, i can’t help but feel that he is telling me that i cannot do it even before he knows what i can or cannot do.

 

he didn’t even know what i can or can’t do. he hasn’t even seen my work or tutored or mentored me before. that was my first few days in the uni and my first few days with him.

 

i even explained to him why i wanted to do that specialized stream. i even explained to him what i was trying to aim at.

 

i thought that it would at least make sense.

 

but i don’t know why in the end i still received such emails.

 

and then i talked to dad. about choosing a specialization. but then. that’s another story. which i don’t feel like elaborating rite now.

 

so i made up my mind. (even when i feel like the authoritarian academic world is against it).

 

and then i met my head of program.

 

she was..okay (i guess). at least she lets me stay in her stream. and lets me reject things that i don’t want to do.

 

she doesn’t want me to do subjects that i might have remotely done before (in my undergrad years).

 

fast frward to 2 smesters later, i’m now sitting here. waiting for my 2nd smster rsults. bcause i would like to know if i can qualify for december’s graduation.

 

and well.

yesterday i met him. my academic advisor.

i was actually going to the office to pick up my final assignment (the one that is worth 65% of the entire subject’s grade).

i told him i’m going back d following month.

he looks surprised that i’m fnishng my stdies.

i don’t know why i didn’t stop myself. frm reminding him of who i was and what he was concerned about when he was academically “advising” me at the beginning of my studies.

when he asked about my choice i told him i chosed the specialized stream (anyway).

he asked about the year’s studies and i told him it was okay (i was okay. with it. i guess).

he asked if i am/was happy that i chose that specialization, and so i said i’m glad that i got to learn new things.

and he smiled that same smile.

and i guess he said “i’m glad it worked out for you.”

 

so now

as i sit here wondering what my results would be (if they really are released tomorow),

i wondered,

what would it have been for me if i had listened to him and his advice?

what would it have been for me if i stayed “safe” and choose things that are “familiar” and instead of doing a major in a specialized stream i choose a non-specialized one because it’s less “risky” for my grades?

what if i had believed him instead of believing in myself (back then)?

 

he probably wouldn’t even remember me (like how he looked like he was struggling to remember if i was ever in 1 of his classes).

he looked like he didn’t even really remember what he’d said back then, until i reminded him of that period of time.

 

so, do you see what i see?

 

that sometimes in life there are people or things that can happen and make you doubt yourself and/or your choices.

 

and sometimes you might not know for sure if it’s the right choice. or if it’s entirely risk-free.

 

but to not choose it because someone is saying that you are not as capable as your choices require you to be, even when you haven’t even exerted your capabilities, and even when that person doesn’t even know you and your potential/capabilities, then that is a big risk itself.

 

because who knows, the things that you let go of today, will they come back again in the future?

 

and if they don’t, are we willing to pay for that kind of loss?

 

we just don’t know. the kind of future that we’ll be stepping into.

 

so i think,

 

don’t let people who don’t really know you, make you believe that they know you more than you know yourself.

 

 

aku. dlm hati ini.

Published September 10, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku bukan sempurna

tapi aku bukan pretending

 

aku bukan sengaja melebihkan rasa hati aku

aku dah pernah mncuba

 

aku tk slalu berupaya duduk di dalam lingkungan lengkungan normal

bila2 masa aku terkeluar dari garisan, bukan bermaksud aku tak berpendirian

 

susah la bila kedudukan aku dinilai dgn jauhnya aku dari garisan tu

dan susahla bila diri aku dinilai dgn satu sudut fikiran yg jugak satu bntuk pandangan “manusia”, manusia mcm aku walau tak serupa dgn aku

 

lebih susah bila pnjelasan aku dianggap sekadar habitual things driven by a stubborn need to be the rightful one

 

lama2 ada jurang

 

which probably grew with time

 

bukan aku tak berusaha, tapi dah smpai situ aku tak tahu lg nk ke mana

 

kita sama2 boleh apologize, tapi mgkin aku la yg nampak mcm bersalah

sbb tak buat benda yg boleh diterima oleh pemahaman seseorg seperti itu

 

walaupn pd hakikatnya, nilai dan timbangan setiap org tak mgkin identically sama

 

aku boleh je terima perbezaan tu, dan rsenyer aku tk pakse pn org lain utk hidup dgn cara aku

 

so kenapa aku rse mcm tak diberi that “benefit of the doubt”, eh?

 

kenapa, tak boleh ke kalau fikir: “itu PENDAPAT DIA tentang CARA HIDUP DIA yg DIA INGIN JALANI”

 

last2,

bawak haluan masing2.

 

mcm biase la aku

m’mang slalu ditinggalkn pn.

 

itulah lengkungan normal utk org mcm aku kot.

 

ntahla.

 

aku maafkan, semua.

 

aku rasa dia pn dh maafkan semua.

 

cuma aku rase aku tak pasti dari sudut pandangan itu, masalah mcm ni telah selesai atau mgkin punyai kebarangkalian utk berlaku lagi bila2 masa in the future

 

stiap kali kita bertemu sesama kita atau sesama org lain yg kita kenali

 

atau stiap kali kita breathe the same air

 

would it be a calm, normal air that is not influenced by emotional baggage?

 

i’m not so sure about that

 

aku perempuan. aku tahu tahap emosi aku dan kmungkinan tahap emosi perempuan2 lain

 

boleh ke kita bersatu hati

 

atau sekurang2nya berlapang dada di masa akan dtg?

 

aku tak pasti.

 

yg pastinya aku terkejut sbnrnye

 

bile kita say goodbye dlm tram tu as if it’s the last time

sedangkan aku hampir pasti it isn’t.

it wasn’t supposed to be the last time

but i felt that it wasn’t jst a normal parting

it was like a forever farewell

where you don’t think you’ll do anything within your power to purposely cross paths with that person you’re saying goodbye to in the near or distant future

it was like a final verdict

it was almost like a resignation.

 

throughout (and after) this ordeal

i felt almost like

something was convicted against me

and that no matter how hard i try it wouldn’t really matter to people as much if they’ve chosen what they chose before and above everything that’s said and done

 

i got hurt (again) by the people close to me

 

i can’t really be careful enough to save myself another heartache, can i?

 

the worst part is trying to not show the hurt because you don’t want to put pressure on anyone

 

because you’re an adult

 

because you’re the tough girl. the one whom people see as the hard-headed, big personality, high ego, alpha female girl.

 

the one who is really still a girl. at heart. thinking “if only people could see that.”

 

but whatever.

 

it’s not like i can fix this.

 

it’s been months.

 

look at where i am now.

 

alone in an empty house.