complicated

All posts tagged complicated

i don’t want to.

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights

so you say i make you confused.

you say as if i wanted to go then suddenly when you tell me about your plans then i don’t want to go. 

that you can feel like i didn’t enjoy being out with you.

that i’d rather go visit my (other?) friends than go out with you today.

you say that we have to go out by 7a.m the latest because you want to avoid traffic jam and you don’t wanna be late for your appointment.

i hurried and woke up to get ready around that time but we arrived within the area about ONE HOUR and 15 minutes EARLIER than your schedule.

then suddenly you want to go and visit YOUR friend while we fill the time before your appointment, but later on after we left your friend’s house you say that this friend of yours hurt your feelings (and that this isn’t the first time) although i don’t really understand which part of that conversation was really MEANT to HURT you.

you say that i can sleep in the car (if it’s too early for me to wake up and go out) and so i tell you that i DON’T LIKE sleeping in the car.

i told you to give the food to someone else but you brought it along anyway,

and then you say that i don’t eat what you give me because i worry that it’s not halal;

and that someone you know used to check the (food additive) numbers (like i do now) but in the end she just ate whatever other kind of that food type (and i find it insulting if it implies that i too, will become that way, as well as equally insulting if it implies that i am concerned about what i don’t have to be concerned for when it comes to food products).

you say that you can send me to the train station so i can go home if i want to, while you might go somewhere else but after we passed the train station you say you want to send me home because you wanna go home too; because you need to take in those carpets of yours before it rains (heavier). but afterwards you DIDN’T take in your carpets.

you keep on saying things like: “i can (do this/that/etc) for you if you want to”.

“yes, sure if you want to.”

“i can send you if you want to”

“i can go (there) with you if you want to”

“i like helping people”

“i like driving”, even when you might say you’re tired, after spending the morning going out (like wht happened the other day).

and after you offer taking me out and i said i’ll think about it,

you so easily say things like:

“if i take you out for lunch/eating, i’ll pay (for you), don’t worry”, sounding as if i am taking some time to think because i’m worried about money. (gee, another insulting statement).

 

by the end of the day (with you) i realized that i feel so much that i don’t even truly know where to start.

you see, the kind of character/attitude that i don’t like are the ones that you managed to portray to me in less than 24 hours.

i want to be patient and respect you, but i find myself struggling.

 

so don’t ask me if i’m okay

don’t ask me if i will return

don’t tell me to not be

 

because i really feel like i needed a break from you.

 

i don’t think i can do it the way you want me to.

 

i don’t even want to depend on you.

or let you take me on a ride to anywhere,

or listen to you tell me about your feelings

or listen to you tell me about MY feelings

or listen to you respond to what you THINK i was thinking about.

or listen to how hurt you are because people say things that you THINK is HURTING you

or how you refute my response when i give a different viewpoint because you think you have a reasonable reason to feel the way you do (which i might try and give you the benefit of the doubt even when i feel like i’m not given the same benefit when it’s MY OWN perceived reasonable reason if i come to a decision)

or how EVERYONE/etc who’s with you have to somehow care about your feelings and treat you in the manner that you feel is acceptable and accomodate to what you feel/wish, because you FEEL hurt/sad/etc.

or how you seemed to want people to give their time/attention/energy to placate/pacify you so that you don’t feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt like when you’re saying you don’t have anything to do while prior to this you say “i can do etc..if you want to” and then since you spent time with this/that/etc. person to do “what they want to” then why would you feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt right? and why wouldn’t they fill your time the way that you agree with, right?

 

you see,

i guess i kinda saw RIGHT THROUGH you by the 3rd day i know you.

and since it’s almost the end of the year i think i’ve known you enough by now.

 

i don’t like it when people dictate/control/decide for me what i can decide for myself and what i didn’t ask for help for,

but i especially don’t like it when it is done in such a manner that it is not only messy/impetuous/incorrigible/tactless/tasteless, it doesn’t even come with an attempt to at least have the decency to be subtle and a little wiser.

 

i am dissapointed with this lack of propriety

and i do not wish for it to continue

 

because i want to care about people that deserve to be cared about more than people like this

i want to care about people who wants to give wthout seeking for something frm me in return

 

and well

at least i didn’t tell it all to your face out of what little patience/respect that i have left for you.

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why not makan

Published March 23, 2011 by crystalights

seriously

i think if you like something it doesn’t matter how often you want to eat it (as long as it’s something you’re allowed to eat and it doesn’t affect your health or economic conditions in any way).

i mean,

if it’s something that you like then it really is your choice if you want to eat it every month, or every week, or every friggin’ day.

i don’t think it’s weird. or sick. or friggin’ kesian.

biarla org nk mkn slalu, klw dh itu yg org suke mkn. kalau kau tak suke, tak pyh la mkn. tak perlu la setiap kali tgok org mkn the same thing you want to buat gaye2 “kesian” kan org tu. it’s annoying tau tak.

memangla dpt pahale bile bersimpati/berbelas kasihan kat org sesama Islam, tapi tak pyh la nak buat gaye mcm laa org tu takde benda lain yg dier boleh dan mampu makan sampai kau nak berbahase mcm dier ni takde keupayaan untuk memilih makanan.

serious annoying giler!

some people just like to eat the same thing. some people just don’t want to spend too much time in creating multiple varieties of gourmet food and all that jazz because their time is limited, they rather read more books than cook more food, okay. deal with it.

just because they don’t cook like some big shot cullinary chef it doesn’t mean that they are very “disadvantaged” people.

they just like to prioritize their student load more than their personal whims.

maybe they’re thinking “cukupla aku makan to survive, tak special pun takpe”.

if other people believe in the opposite, then it’s up to them.

tak payah la nak talk in a degrading manner about other people’s food life choices.

.

okay.

dah aku malas nak pikir.

baik makan dlm bilik je.

buat serabot je masuk dapur.

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i think the world would be a better place if:

Published February 28, 2011 by crystalights
  1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
  2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
  3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
  4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
  5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
  6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
  7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
  8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
  9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
  10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.

.

bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?

.

sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau

sorry

aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.

.

bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.

.

yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.

.

at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.

.

mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?

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truth and lies

Published February 7, 2011 by crystalights

 

i’m going alone.

no one’s coming with me.

no one’s waiting for me there.

it’s a solo endeavour.

i’m just gonna have to deal with it.

.

the problem with me is that i really don’t like making room for other people.

because once they enter and damage things,

i won’t really let them in again.

giving that space wasn’t something i like to do

and when i finally give it, when i finally believed that you are someone i could believe in

but then suddenly you weren’t; well that’s it. that’s all there is to it.

i don’t like to compromise

you can say i’m harsh or whatever

but i don’t like to give more than what i’ve given to people who wants to take more than what they’ve taken.

i don’t like to hate.

so i just. step away.

i think it’s better that i step away from some people than stepping on these people.

.

why do i have to let anyone in again?

i know what it feels like to believe in something which eventually turned out to be a lie

i despise it because i believe that

not all truths you must speak of, but all that you speak of must be the truth.

so i don’t wanna say anything anymore

because i really wished that for once can you stop pretending that you care?

if you don’t care, then you don’t have to care.

don’t pretend that you care just for the sake of fulfilling your curiosities.

.

isn’t that distasteful, dishonest, and downright derogatory?

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unexpected.

Published February 7, 2011 by crystalights

i was hanging the laundry (yes we don’t use dryers) and look what i found on my backyard

it’s a friggin’ huge grasshopper (!)


i was afraid that it would come springing on me unexpectedly so i just got one shot and hurried back inside.

i don’t like things that spring up to me unexpectedly

you know

things that you didn’t really anticipate or know about and then suddenly bam! they’re there right at your face.

.

so you can say i’m in my hiding mode now

i don’t feel like saying more than i’ve said.

i don’t feel like explaining because it’s not part of my plan. my expected way of how things happen.

i don’t control destiny, and i don’t wanna be the one to explain this one.

.

maybe it’s okay to be unreachable. for a little while.

i guess this time it’s a lockdown.

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the story of loyalty. duty. and priority.

Published January 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

once upon a time there was a guy.

i say he’s a guy because i think it takes more than that for a person to be a man.

but he’s definitely not a boy, so yeah, he’s a guy.

.

he grew up as a street-smart guy. the kind who kinda knows everything there is to know about things.

and so life was good. he had a job, some opportunities to develop and grow, end up in great places, and got married to the one he wanted to marry. (although she didn’t).

.

(she didn’t get married to the one she wanted to marry. because he wasn’t the one she wanted. to marry).

but he married her anyway and so yeah, at least he got what he wanted in the end.

.

and then they had children.

lots of them.

and the children grew up.

and so now he has an up-sized family.

he has a wife and children who prays for him. watch his back. clean up his mess. fix his problems. listen to his shit.

while his children are growing older, they can’t fit into small cars anymore, and the food and utility bills are a little straining, but hey, it seems they managed themselves pretty well. 

they don’t demand for things, they don’t always ask for money when it’s unnecessary, they don’t even wonder aloud “why can’t i have what my friends have?”

they studied hard, performed at least above the average line, and they don’t really go out and stray. they listened well and they knew that they couldn’t just walk out and be a kid and chill and hang out and spend money and grow through adolescents like any other unhampered young child.

because they know the kind of situation they are in and honestly the family can’t afford that.

because they know how difficult it would be for the family (for their parents) if they just lived selfishly and recklessly.

because these children know what loyalty is.

they know where their priorities lie.

and it’s in the family.

.

that guy, who’s the father of these children soon became older and wearier.

he could have just been an older and wearier but happier man, but he wasn’t.

apparently to him, having a good family who looks after you and looks out for you isn’t enough.

he didn’t feel happy having a financial strain. he didn’t act like he was happy. didn’t even pretend that he was happy. that he has them. 

his actions show that the valuable people that makes up a family and a home, his home, his team, his pack, was not worth the financial strain. at all.

he wants to be able to spend less on them and have more comfort for himself.

he wants to be able to have more than enough money but not having to actually work more than what he’s done for it. which is basically, not that much.

he who used to do more a few years back, became someone who wanted to do less and less but still wanting so much more in return.

but since that seemed nearly impossible, he began to shift the blame and burden to his children.

that they should have used less and spent less so that he doesn’t have to pay more.

it’s like tying your feet and binding them tight so that they won’t grow out of their initial size for you to have small feet forever.

of course some people can live with that.

but some people don’t.

can’t.

won’t.

and when things are at the apex of a collision,

no one knows who or what can save this family from the point of breaking down

.

so finally, the blame game became the obligation game.

the children has to become the pawns and do well so that the father can live well and have his own sweet comfort that he has been yearning for since years ago.

he wants to sit back and relax already, even when some of his children haven’t even finished school.

but like it has always been, he always somehow gets what he wanted in the end.

like i said, the children knew where their loyalties and priorities lie.

but their father didn’t.

he has yet to grasp the sense of loyalty, duty and responsibility for him to leave his search for comfort and put his children’s needs above his own.

.

so my question is:

are you the child or the father in this story?

or are you going to be the father in this story in your own distant future and let your children suffer the consequences of your self-centredness?

are you willing to give away the search for your own self comfort in exchange to the happiness and fulfillment in seeing how well you’ve raised your children?

what kind of parent do you want to be? what kind of parent will you be?

and what kind of child are you now?

.

marriage and family requires more than just love and adoration.

and when one of his children saw how cold the room is and how the father is sleeping on the main bed using the thickest blanket surrounded with the most pillows in the entire room filled with a few other children crawling and shivering and pulling and sharing with barely enough pillows on the floor with not even a mattress, somehow that child knew, that the family wasn’t as important as he was to himself.

that the father was just prioritizing what he feels is more important first, above all else, which is : himself.

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