All posts tagged cooking

is it anything more than what it is

Published December 24, 2010 by crystalights


i don’t wanna be the one who tells people to leave the ones they love.

so i don’t really like answering love/relationship/dating questions/issues/curiousities.

i especially don’t like talking about it like it’s a worthwhile conversation among the people i know.

even if i ask, it would only be because i wanted to know how my friend was doing, or why things turn out the way they did for my friend(s).

that’s all.

i don’t fix love. or relationships. or whatever.

that’s not my job.


so when i get those texts i really don’t feel like saying anything.

but i can’t just not say anything because after several years of no such texting, it looks like a cry for help to me.


but it turns out that it wasn’t.



felt like it’s a waste of my time.


my classes are over but

i have things i have to do and think about each day.

especially when my parents aren’t around like today.

i have meals to prepare, 2kids and 1 adult to babysit, and a kitchen to clean.

i spent the afternoon cooking

preparing their (very late) lunch


dark soya sauce chicken

& potatoes


then cleaning.

and then figuring out how to get my youngest brother to take a bath and change.

i even gave them some of our old photos frm my pc and edited a few to distract them from going out to play earlier than necessary (because mum and dad’s not around).

i wait in their room until they’re done bathing or washing or whatever because they need people around here to feel safe from what they imagined as ghosts in this house.

so, no.

i don’t like spending my time on such pointless conversations.

at least not for now.


what is it like to only live for yourself?

because i thought i was a perfect example of that, until i realized that a huge chunk of my time was always given away and somehow slowly i felt like i don’t really mind. even when i knew that i had always been selfish.

because sometimes it’s not that bad to do something other than for your own self.


so when i received the relatively similar text after all these years i knew that my answers would probably be the same :

“if it doesn’t work for you, then don’t work for it”.

i don’t know if there is any possible way of fixing love.

heck, how would i know, i’ve never been in one before.

so why me?

why ask me?

i can’t possibly know the right answer to that, right?


i mean, think about it.

why is it always after a couple of years has passed (somewhere in the 3rd year), things get less pretty and more intolerable?

why ask me when deep inside i think you know the answer yourself.


i can’t be there for everyone.

i have to prioritize.

and i do that by putting my youngest brother first; my youngest baby-ish brother who needs people to wait on him while he uses the bathroom, cook for him when he’s asking for food and answer his questions when he gets all quizzly and curious, before an old acquaintance who needs people to talk about love when it’s already clear.


don’t we all have something we have to work for?

like money. education. or family. or our fates in the afterlife.

we want to feel fulfilled by fulfilling these duties and responsibilities.

so why not try it and see if you can feel somewhat more fulfilled and less empty and perhaps more comfortable in your own skin.

it would be nothing short of amazing if you could love yourself not less than you love someone, or anyone out there.



all in a day

Published December 22, 2010 by crystalights


since no one’s really home these couple of days,

i find myself randomly domesticated.

it’s painfully quiet. i guess i needed the distraction.

so i woke up, showered. taught my morning class.

did the laundry.

scrubbed the bathroom.

and cooked. (even when i’m not really hungry).

but what else should i have done i just didn’t know how to get rid of this sinking feeling (that i’m gonna have to get used to this state of being away from people).

i can’t even fall asleep when i really want to. or take a nap.

so i made myself busy.

read up on pasta.

cooked the pasta.

ate the pasta.

cooking is allright. when no one’s interfering in what you do.

it’s a good distraction.


so after a day of self-enriching activities (and locking & unlocking the doors wondering if i’m safe on my own)


i wanna try sleeping.

like right now.


of motherhood and being a person.

Published November 18, 2010 by crystalights


today my old friend gave birth to her first baby.

i remember borrowing her liquid paper when we sat in class for the first week of my school transfer.

i remember playing matchmaker when we were 14 to a guy in our class.

i remember carrying her bridal gift trays on the day of her engagement.

i remember attending her wedding and arriving when she was on her 10th dress with flowers on her hands and a tiara on her head.

and now,

my long-time friend is finally a momma.


i have her baby ultrasound pic but i didn’t want to publish it here without her knowing (it’s her baby afterall).

but it’s a baby girl.

and i haven’t seen her in flesh and blood yet. (i only saw her ultrasound pic when my friend was 5 weeks along).

this might sound crazy (for someone like me),

but i would like to try motherhood. too.

one day (when the time is right).


but what am i doing, talking about motherhood when i’m not even married (yet) haha.


it’s just that i’m 23 now.

and i think i’ve lived for 23 long years being selfish and difficult.

i should try doing something (else) now

something other than being selfish.

isn’t motherhood a nice way of being un-selfish?



i cooked something today

(although not everyone likes it)

(some people just don’t like very spicy food with strong aroma)

my dad bising2 sruh kluarkan udang dgn sotong SAHAJE.

my mom pulak memang tak suke mkn tom yam.

so tinggal la adik2 je yg mkn. with me.

my kakak pun tak nak sbb dier emo laptop dier kongg~ (bye bye loud singing and major hours of facebooking, haha). 


aku tak expect pun people to eat it. tapi agak berdesing telinga dgar org bising2 “ntah hape2 kau masak”


at least mood masak dh dtg (jgnla halau pergi)


(kalau tak nak takpela tapi aku bukannye masak selalu. hati lambat sgt nak ikhlas).


cooking cooking

Published July 18, 2010 by crystalights


my parents took the kids with them (because someone asked them to).

what a bummer.



i can’t believe i cooked for my older sister today.

don’t i have a life?


i knew it.

this is what happens when you have time in your hands and an empty house.


and now i’m patiently waiting for someone to get the juice.


bon apetit!


kitchen work

Published March 13, 2010 by crystalights


i don’t know if this is a skin condition or something

but my skin tend to scar very easily.

like insect bites or burnt marks frm kitchen work

it’s usually that obvious and stays rather long.


so today i was in my aunty’s kitchen, frying tofu

and then pop~

my fingers + hot oil = red.

i still have the scar frm last year’s fish-frying incident, though.


i don’t really like working in the kitchen with people like my aunt.

because she seemed like someone who knows evrything about cooking.

i always pretend like i don’t know much about cooking to save my ass frm the confrontational cooking debate. haha.


kuning2 jari2 ngn kuku ku.

kupas kunyit hidup (dier tak nak kunyit serbuk).


she takes her cooking very seriously.