crazy + awful

All posts tagged crazy + awful

i don’t want to.

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights

so you say i make you confused.

you say as if i wanted to go then suddenly when you tell me about your plans then i don’t want to go. 

that you can feel like i didn’t enjoy being out with you.

that i’d rather go visit my (other?) friends than go out with you today.

you say that we have to go out by 7a.m the latest because you want to avoid traffic jam and you don’t wanna be late for your appointment.

i hurried and woke up to get ready around that time but we arrived within the area about ONE HOUR and 15 minutes EARLIER than your schedule.

then suddenly you want to go and visit YOUR friend while we fill the time before your appointment, but later on after we left your friend’s house you say that this friend of yours hurt your feelings (and that this isn’t the first time) although i don’t really understand which part of that conversation was really MEANT to HURT you.

you say that i can sleep in the car (if it’s too early for me to wake up and go out) and so i tell you that i DON’T LIKE sleeping in the car.

i told you to give the food to someone else but you brought it along anyway,

and then you say that i don’t eat what you give me because i worry that it’s not halal;

and that someone you know used to check the (food additive) numbers (like i do now) but in the end she just ate whatever other kind of that food type (and i find it insulting if it implies that i too, will become that way, as well as equally insulting if it implies that i am concerned about what i don’t have to be concerned for when it comes to food products).

you say that you can send me to the train station so i can go home if i want to, while you might go somewhere else but after we passed the train station you say you want to send me home because you wanna go home too; because you need to take in those carpets of yours before it rains (heavier). but afterwards you DIDN’T take in your carpets.

you keep on saying things like: “i can (do this/that/etc) for you if you want to”.

“yes, sure if you want to.”

“i can send you if you want to”

“i can go (there) with you if you want to”

“i like helping people”

“i like driving”, even when you might say you’re tired, after spending the morning going out (like wht happened the other day).

and after you offer taking me out and i said i’ll think about it,

you so easily say things like:

“if i take you out for lunch/eating, i’ll pay (for you), don’t worry”, sounding as if i am taking some time to think because i’m worried about money. (gee, another insulting statement).


by the end of the day (with you) i realized that i feel so much that i don’t even truly know where to start.

you see, the kind of character/attitude that i don’t like are the ones that you managed to portray to me in less than 24 hours.

i want to be patient and respect you, but i find myself struggling.


so don’t ask me if i’m okay

don’t ask me if i will return

don’t tell me to not be


because i really feel like i needed a break from you.


i don’t think i can do it the way you want me to.


i don’t even want to depend on you.

or let you take me on a ride to anywhere,

or listen to you tell me about your feelings

or listen to you tell me about MY feelings

or listen to you respond to what you THINK i was thinking about.

or listen to how hurt you are because people say things that you THINK is HURTING you

or how you refute my response when i give a different viewpoint because you think you have a reasonable reason to feel the way you do (which i might try and give you the benefit of the doubt even when i feel like i’m not given the same benefit when it’s MY OWN perceived reasonable reason if i come to a decision)

or how EVERYONE/etc who’s with you have to somehow care about your feelings and treat you in the manner that you feel is acceptable and accomodate to what you feel/wish, because you FEEL hurt/sad/etc.

or how you seemed to want people to give their time/attention/energy to placate/pacify you so that you don’t feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt like when you’re saying you don’t have anything to do while prior to this you say “i can do etc..if you want to” and then since you spent time with this/that/etc. person to do “what they want to” then why would you feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt right? and why wouldn’t they fill your time the way that you agree with, right?


you see,

i guess i kinda saw RIGHT THROUGH you by the 3rd day i know you.

and since it’s almost the end of the year i think i’ve known you enough by now.


i don’t like it when people dictate/control/decide for me what i can decide for myself and what i didn’t ask for help for,

but i especially don’t like it when it is done in such a manner that it is not only messy/impetuous/incorrigible/tactless/tasteless, it doesn’t even come with an attempt to at least have the decency to be subtle and a little wiser.


i am dissapointed with this lack of propriety

and i do not wish for it to continue


because i want to care about people that deserve to be cared about more than people like this

i want to care about people who wants to give wthout seeking for something frm me in return


and well

at least i didn’t tell it all to your face out of what little patience/respect that i have left for you.



Published February 11, 2011 by crystalights

dear c.L.h,

aku tak tau aper nk buat skrg.

aku dh booking tempat, tak tahu la dpt ke tak.

dh submit nama utk pick-up, tak tahu la dpt ke tak.

tgok2 rented units, tak tahu la boleh dpt ke tak.


ye la, last minit cmni tibe2 dpt tau the people i’m supposed to be staying with cannot let me stay with them.

what a major letdown.

kalau tak boleh, nape tak ckp awal2.

dh la ckp last minit camni, pas tu nk biar org tggu a couple more days until dier contact another family member plak just to ask.

i mean, dh berbulan yg lepas kau dh tahu dh the situation that i’m in.

aku dh bgtau since last year. no, since the period of time i received the offer.

if you can’t deliver as what you’ve spoken of before, then at least when you give the final blow you should make it clear where or who i can go to.

ni tak. you let me believe that it is already taken care of, let me believe that everything’s fine, then suddenly you let me crash down.

dh la last minit. pas tu kau baru la nak pergi tanye utk tahu the outcome dari pihak lain, then sruh aku tggu lg b’brape hari.

padahal aku nk pergi nxt week.

i think an imbecile would know that i’m running out of time.


bagi harapan sedap2, pas tu kecewa kan sampai tahap terumbang-ambing lunyai punyer hancur.

pas tu senang je, sruh org tunggu.

mcm la aku boleh hrp aper2 lagi.


aku rase teraniaye giler

smpai emo2 aku semalam satu hari. smpai mak tanya kalau aku nak ikut pergi supermarket pun aku tak nak ikut, padahal aku suke je pergi supermarket.


sbb aku rase takde mood sgt, rase mcm nak bakar something or hit someone or inflict great emotional or physical damage to people, aku rase bengang sakit hati disappointed mcm org giler


now i don’t know what will happen, where will i stay?

will i get there properly and meet the right people at the right place?



this sucks.


of people and dissapointments

Published October 25, 2010 by crystalights


aku rase sbb tu kot aku ni mcm ni.

sbb aku dah biase hadapi keadaan dimana org yg aku harapkan tak boleh aku harapkan.

last2 aku jugak yg selesaikan masalah.

mintak tolong pd org hanye memenatkan badan aku je.



aku rase aku memang tak boleh depend on anyone other than me.

aku nak percaye pun susah.

sbb byk masalah.

byk kesakitan.

byk keharu-biruan.

byk kegelapan.

i think in life the only constant that is omnipresent and forever present is god.


and with that i rest my case.


(yes my heart hurts. my back hurts. everything seems to hurt more when you’re pushed to your limits).


seolah2 dier tak kisah pun psl keselamatan (aku).

yg dier sibuk nak ambik kisah is how much money i can save and earn.

nak suruh aku go gang up with some strangers in another land who wouldn’t mind pitching together cash to save on accomodations. how NICE.

i mean, how nice is that, putting aside the possibilities of finding good, civilized people with no ulterior motives and no criminal record amongst all those whom i don’t really know.



why not you just feed me to the sharks and take all my money?


at least then i don’t have to think about how on earth i put up with your demands.


aku yang penat rimas lemas panas

Published October 24, 2010 by crystalights


i just don’t want people to know.

what is soo damn wrong about that?

i have nothing to be proud of.

lagi byk org tahu, lagi besar tekanan aku.

lagi sesak hati aku.


he doesn’t seem to want to stop telling people.

i think by now some of his friends already know.

she, on the other hand, keeps responding negatively to me when i speak of my concerns.

and sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even know of my current condition.

hari tu dier call sane, tanye psl something yg sbnrnye tak perlu smpai call pun.

pas tu bile org tu tanye dier balik (pasal aku), dier jwb yg aku tgh in the starting process of something.

pdahal the initial process dah settle pun.

(mcmane dier boleh tak tau aku dah settle the initial process? i told her every single thing, every single time. and yet she doesn’t know. it’s like all those things that i’ve said over the past couple of months just disappeared from her head).

from the other side of that phonecall it looks like : “eleh baru nak starting dah tanye2 mcm ni”.

padahal aku bukannye baru nak start.

aku bukannye suke2 nak tanye pun.


and then today dier hantar msg utk tanye org sane.

pas tu bile org tu call dier ckp mcm ni : “utk letak org utk di refer/contact kalau ade ape2 nanti”.

ckp je la i need that name to fill in the forms. tak pyh la ckp mcm aku nak mintak tlg klau ade ape2 nanti.

nampak mcm aku ni nak mintak tlg sgt.

ni kan cume stakat nak penuhkan borang je.

dah la tempat kita tak same.

jauhnye bukan stakat 10 mnit boleh smpai.

aku tak nak la smpai org rase terbeban pulak.

mesti ke nak libatkan org lain?

aku tak suke org fikir bahawa aku ni perlu dijaga.

i’m not a little child that needs to be taken care of.


dah la byk org yg tak berkaitan dah tahu.

pas tu org yg memang berkaitan pulak tak diberitahu dgn jelas about how dier tu berkaitan.

silap2 dier ingat aku ni nak mintak tlg dier uruskan aku.

padahal kaitan kita hanye pada nama.

i don’t have to share my life’s details just because of the relationship of our families.


i don’t even know if i want to do this.

but at this point i know that what i want doesn’t matter.

i just have to pull myself together for this.

dah la aku rase sesak hati bile pkir pasal ni

aku tak sure pun aku nak buat ke tidak,

boleh buat ke tidak.

pas tu benda kecik2 yg aku mintak utk rahsiakan pun tak dapat.

dah la aku kena dgar ckp, ikut kata, turut titah (for something as unimaginable as this),

then dlm nak uruskan the whole thing pun nak desak2 aku and push me to the edge.

pas tu aku request utk keep it quiet pun tak boleh.

klau sume kene dgar ckp korg then korg je la yg pergi.

aku rase, right from the first day hati aku tak pernah aman.

i wanna do what i think my life needs,

not put on a show for the entire world to know.


tak perlu la beritahu semua org

aku yang rase malu.

malu sgt sbb ni bukannye pencapaian yg nak dibanggakan,

mungkin ini ujian yg perlu ditempuh & dijalani.


my life is not a show.


i’m sick of having to live up to that kind of expectations

aku rimas.


kalau sampai masenye nanti biar la aku sendiri yg beritahu sesiapa pun yg aku nak beritahu.

itu lebih baik dari pukul canang seawal ini.


tolong la kembali berpijak di dunia nyata.

this is not a fairytale.

this isn’t the best thing to ever happen in our entire lives.

this is just another chapter of my unexpected life story.


just stop fussing and pushing and egging me on.

aku penat. rimas. lemas.


nothing but the truth. the fugly truth.

Published October 7, 2010 by crystalights


but you are always like that.

“yang kau kene tu tak teruk. lain la kalau (like this like that bla bla bla etc.)”

you always put things into your own personal logic. 

your own idea of right.

the fact is that you can say tonnes of things about other people like it means nothing at all because you’ve never been through all of that AT ALL.

if it was you, do you think you would be able to do everything that everybody else did when they were in such situations?

if it was you, if it was your turn spilling your story to me would you be able to listen to me while i say:

“yang kau kene tu tak teruk pun. lain la kalau (like this like that bla bla bla etc.)”

so dengar ni.

i have my self-centredness too.

aku bukan perempuan baik hati yg tak pernah ambil hati kecik hati atau jauh hati.

i value my time and energy and the people i spend my time and energy on.

memang aku kisah.

sebab aku rase aku tak perlu jadi mcm tu utk org lain di tempat aku sendiri.

if people want to think that i am a bad example of a person, then i don’t really give a damn.

maybe i’m not a good example of a person, a girl, a woman, a daughter, or whatever.


even if i’m not a good example to the entire human population, at least i know what i am

and i am not a liar. a sugar-coater. a truth-suppressor. a belittling ass.

i don’t jump forward to spur my logic of how everything “isn’t so bad” to people when they have painstakingly poured their hearts out to me.


if there is anything that this world needs, it is not your “that isn’t so bad” quote.

if things are bad then they ARE bad.

and nothing can change the fact that it is. BAD.


kalau teruk cakap je teruk.

kalau tak betul cakap je tak betul.


just tell it as it is.

perlu ke selindungkan kebenaran setiap kali peluang utk berkata benar itu datang?


tak penat ke hidup macam ni?

inconvenient guests

Published September 13, 2010 by crystalights


so i’m finally home again.


hari raya was supposed to be fun.

but the first three days was torture.

it was like we were serving the queen.

by the third morning i was standing at the kitchen thinking of how i was seriously at the end of my patience.


she prepares everything that he asks for.

and he does everything that she wants.

but that isn’t their home.

it was ours.

our place.

we can’t keep on trying to catch up with the way that she wants things to be done, we’re not butlers or maids.

you can’t order people around when you’re in their home.

when they have welcomed you so respectfully as a guest.

you can’t just expect people to deliver your requests.   

and we had to be the polite host, accommodating to their needs regardless of whether or not they have exceeded their stay.


it was a living nightmare for 3 days.


by the time they left we were so damn relieved but too tired to actually celebrate (or something).

it was very energy-consuming and time-consuming.


it was unnerving to know that the person that you’re entertaining probably doesn’t even deserve such great hospitality anyway.




i’m going out tomorrow.



Published August 29, 2010 by crystalights


in the history of malaysian cable tv service providers, “astro” isn’t the kind which i can really think of in fond memory.

in fact, the only reason that it crossed my mind when speaking of cable tv service is because it is the only one still present today in malaysia.

and that’s it.

it doesn’t really have an impressive customer care (you have to pay for your customer care calls, even when it’s not your fault that you can’t watch tv, and sometimes the calls aren’t that short).

sometimes when you leave the decoder on stand by for very long periods of time and go somewhere for weeks without using it when you come back it becomes dysfunctional.

sometimes when the weather’s bad you can’t watch anything.

and then there’s the list of programmes, half of which probably consists of repeated shows or second-grade ones, as well as (almost) ancient season’s tv programmes.

sometimes channel surfing gets you nowhere, because except for a few channels, the rest really have nothing much that can interest or enrich you and your mind.

i only remember how they keep on “upgrading the system” by changing smart cards because they are so very concerned of people making profits or free-loading on THEIR tv service.

and then there’s “astro Beyond”. in HD.

supposedly in conjunction with the world cup and it continues from then on but seriously why would i want to see the strand of grasses on a football field?

maybe some people do (in that tv advert), but i don’t. i don’t even think it’s worth it to pay the extra bucks for that extra HIGH DEFINITION that shows the texture of someone’s face or someone’s trickling beads of sweat.

it’s too much money for something so trivial and insignificant.

an extra package in Beyond is supposedly the malaysian version of a TiVo.

except that you can’t exactly program your wishlist search, but you can store recordings of your tv shows.

yes, TiVo was introduced in the U.S more than a decade ago, but here we are in malaysia with a cable tv service only recently going all out for something like this. (with the extra extra bucks as the charge).

you have to pay extra for the service that isn’t even that recent in the tech-world.

it’s like paying extra for a DR2000 spectrometer when the science community has already used the atomic absorption spectrometer since decades and decades ago.


so that is why, when i wake up with loud noises and loud voices this morning/afternoon i really hate the fact that it was because someone is expressing their discontent towards the cable tv service so passionately as if the service providers could really speed up their service delivery based on a couple of very vocal phonecalls.

no, they can’t.

of course they can’t.

they are incapable of providing the kind of service that supposedly comes with the kind of money that they rake in.

i know that from experience.


that is why i’m against the Beyond subscriptions (in this home). because i see them as such a huge burden. there is no point at all. the money that you’re paying doesn’t guarantee you top quality service.

you were the one who wants Beyond for both TVs, so please no screaming.

i need to be able to sleep because this cable tv service would never change even if i don’t sleep.

they don’t care much about such things (because they know they’re the only one providing cable TV service in this country).


perhaps everything here is about raking in as much money as you can (before people start to realize that they’ve been robbed in broad daylight).


so when will people wake up?