difficult

All posts tagged difficult

i don’t want to.

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights

so you say i make you confused.

you say as if i wanted to go then suddenly when you tell me about your plans then i don’t want to go. 

that you can feel like i didn’t enjoy being out with you.

that i’d rather go visit my (other?) friends than go out with you today.

you say that we have to go out by 7a.m the latest because you want to avoid traffic jam and you don’t wanna be late for your appointment.

i hurried and woke up to get ready around that time but we arrived within the area about ONE HOUR and 15 minutes EARLIER than your schedule.

then suddenly you want to go and visit YOUR friend while we fill the time before your appointment, but later on after we left your friend’s house you say that this friend of yours hurt your feelings (and that this isn’t the first time) although i don’t really understand which part of that conversation was really MEANT to HURT you.

you say that i can sleep in the car (if it’s too early for me to wake up and go out) and so i tell you that i DON’T LIKE sleeping in the car.

i told you to give the food to someone else but you brought it along anyway,

and then you say that i don’t eat what you give me because i worry that it’s not halal;

and that someone you know used to check the (food additive) numbers (like i do now) but in the end she just ate whatever other kind of that food type (and i find it insulting if it implies that i too, will become that way, as well as equally insulting if it implies that i am concerned about what i don’t have to be concerned for when it comes to food products).

you say that you can send me to the train station so i can go home if i want to, while you might go somewhere else but after we passed the train station you say you want to send me home because you wanna go home too; because you need to take in those carpets of yours before it rains (heavier). but afterwards you DIDN’T take in your carpets.

you keep on saying things like: “i can (do this/that/etc) for you if you want to”.

“yes, sure if you want to.”

“i can send you if you want to”

“i can go (there) with you if you want to”

“i like helping people”

“i like driving”, even when you might say you’re tired, after spending the morning going out (like wht happened the other day).

and after you offer taking me out and i said i’ll think about it,

you so easily say things like:

“if i take you out for lunch/eating, i’ll pay (for you), don’t worry”, sounding as if i am taking some time to think because i’m worried about money. (gee, another insulting statement).

 

by the end of the day (with you) i realized that i feel so much that i don’t even truly know where to start.

you see, the kind of character/attitude that i don’t like are the ones that you managed to portray to me in less than 24 hours.

i want to be patient and respect you, but i find myself struggling.

 

so don’t ask me if i’m okay

don’t ask me if i will return

don’t tell me to not be

 

because i really feel like i needed a break from you.

 

i don’t think i can do it the way you want me to.

 

i don’t even want to depend on you.

or let you take me on a ride to anywhere,

or listen to you tell me about your feelings

or listen to you tell me about MY feelings

or listen to you respond to what you THINK i was thinking about.

or listen to how hurt you are because people say things that you THINK is HURTING you

or how you refute my response when i give a different viewpoint because you think you have a reasonable reason to feel the way you do (which i might try and give you the benefit of the doubt even when i feel like i’m not given the same benefit when it’s MY OWN perceived reasonable reason if i come to a decision)

or how EVERYONE/etc who’s with you have to somehow care about your feelings and treat you in the manner that you feel is acceptable and accomodate to what you feel/wish, because you FEEL hurt/sad/etc.

or how you seemed to want people to give their time/attention/energy to placate/pacify you so that you don’t feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt like when you’re saying you don’t have anything to do while prior to this you say “i can do etc..if you want to” and then since you spent time with this/that/etc. person to do “what they want to” then why would you feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt right? and why wouldn’t they fill your time the way that you agree with, right?

 

you see,

i guess i kinda saw RIGHT THROUGH you by the 3rd day i know you.

and since it’s almost the end of the year i think i’ve known you enough by now.

 

i don’t like it when people dictate/control/decide for me what i can decide for myself and what i didn’t ask for help for,

but i especially don’t like it when it is done in such a manner that it is not only messy/impetuous/incorrigible/tactless/tasteless, it doesn’t even come with an attempt to at least have the decency to be subtle and a little wiser.

 

i am dissapointed with this lack of propriety

and i do not wish for it to continue

 

because i want to care about people that deserve to be cared about more than people like this

i want to care about people who wants to give wthout seeking for something frm me in return

 

and well

at least i didn’t tell it all to your face out of what little patience/respect that i have left for you.

sure. at least i think i know what i don’t know.

Published November 17, 2011 by crystalights

wow.

that was a bit surprising.

but.

because i know you’ve called them, that’s why i was asking you.

why would i call to ask about the same product if i know that someone i know has called before?

 

why would i ask you if i could ask any other people i know?

 

i don’t mean to have many questions

but sometimes i just do.

 

sometimes i can’t control the extent of my inquisitiveness

i can’t always help it if i like making sure of things

i like knowing in detail, in advance

 

if you don’t wish to see this kind of habit then i apologize for the inconvenience

but i never meant to add more to your list of things to do

never meant to be a burden

 

i just wanted to know.

if you can’t help me then just tell me you don’t know.

 

don’t tell me what you think i should do as if i don’t know what to do

of course i know

 

i just thought that there are other simpler ways of knowing,

like knowing from those who know

 

i guess i know now

that it’s better to not try to know so much from someone who i thought might know more than i do

because i just have to know from what i can know

not from people whom i thought has known more than what i know.

 

.

 

and by d way,

i was happy today before all of that happened

1 of my subject’s grade came out.

i got to buy the ingredients that i wanted.

and i met a friend whom i haven’t talked to for a while.

 

it was all okay,

until that kind of response came.

 

 and now i think i need some distractions.

 

whatever.

 

hari-hari berlalu

Published March 29, 2011 by crystalights

pernah tak hati rase terpanggil utk buat sesuatu, tanpa rasa pasti apa sebab dan puncanya.

waktu tu aku susah hati and then bukak Quran terjumpalah sesuatu

“(yaitu) orang-orang yang beriman dan hati mereka menjadi tenteram dengan mengingat Allah. Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingat Allah hati menjadi tenteram.”

Ayat 28, Surah Ar-Ra’d.

kdg2 kita terlupa Dia selalu ada.

tapi Dia tak pernah lupa.

i think the world would be a better place if:

Published February 28, 2011 by crystalights
  1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
  2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
  3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
  4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
  5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
  6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
  7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
  8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
  9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
  10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.

.

bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?

.

sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau

sorry

aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.

.

bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.

.

yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.

.

at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.

.

mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?

.

disappearing

Published February 17, 2011 by crystalights

spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there’s always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it’s hard at the end of the day

i need some distraction

beautiful release

memories seep from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

i’ll find some peace tonight

 

 

 

so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there’s vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don’t make no difference

escaping one last time

it’s easier to believe

in this sweet madness

this glorious sadness

which brings me to my knees.

 

.

i thought that if my feelings show on my face

i should just turn away for it to not be seen

but even if i don’t turn away forever

you’ll never really look deeper into what you see

.

you’ll never be the one to lighten my heavy heart

i’m 23, going on 24 this year

and i don’t think i’ve ever known what happiness is.

just some occasional relief. sense of recovery. and a little bit of temporary calm before every approaching storm.

but happiness? no, i never really knew what that’s like.

.

sometimes i think you’ll always be someone i can’t escape from.

.

it’s not easy to be

me

 

we have to leave home today.

and i have to fly on saturday.

.

i

can’t really think.

there’s too much going on

i feel like it’s the end

.

i don’t wanna leave this early

i want to stay home a bit longer before leaving.

not staying in a place that i don’t like while waiting for my flight date.

.

even at a time like this,

i can’t have what i choose.

.

ader jugak terfikir

kenapa mesti pergi?

kenapa tak buat semuanya disini je?

is this what is right for me?

i’m tired

of carrying out his wishes

i want him to feel my pain

not so that he’ll get hurt, but so that he’ll stop hurting people (like me).

.

when he went away,

everyone here had to go along with him.

he was never really alone.

but now he’s sending me away

like this

like it doesn’t even matter what i’ll go through

as long as i do what is expected of me.

.

i know that it doesn’t matter what i feel

but i can’t make this feeling disappear either

.

what about me?

what about what i want?

what about me?

the voice inside

Published February 12, 2011 by crystalights

dear c.L.h,

yesterday was my little sister’s birthday.

and uh, mubarak resigned.

yeah i know. it’s still a surprise to me (because i thought that he’ll go rambo and trudge on until september, military style).

i’m just glad that the people of egypt got what they wanted and they can now finally move on from this epic uprising onto greater and better endeavours in the near future.

but seriously. i saw the news and there were fireworks and massive crowd cheers. it’s like an independence day celebration of some sort.

i’m not sure about the next ruler but i am certain that the people of egypt will decide that on their own, in god’s will.

they’re smart. strong. and resilient. they’ll figure it out.

anyway.

all that in 18 days,

what a revolution.

.

i wonder if the people in egypt have repeated fuel price hikes, increased government service taxes, and an unrevised+inadequate salary/reimbursement rate.

.

isn’t it great if the people of our country can decide what we want (or don’t want) from a ruler?

at least we won’t feel like we’re at the bottom of the food chain all the time.

the baby planktons to the great blue whale.

.

oh.

i wondered if this could get me in trouble (like that cartoonist dude with his comics)

but i guess nobody can really stop the words coming out of your head.

that little voice inside.

like how i recall V says, “people die, but ideologies live forever”.

.

so i think i’m a little okay now.

i think it’s always a little difficult when you take the first few steps to leave your comfort zone

but i must remember what i’m searching for

so that i can understand my purpose and what it takes.

a week from now, maybe life wouldn’t be easy for me

but i can’t always run away

.

sambung blajar bukan perkara yg mudah bagi aku (lebih2 lagi di tempat asing); sbb aku tak pasti dgn apa yg akan tiba pada hari2 esok dan seterusnya.

sbb hati aku masih di sini

tapi

aku tak boleh slalu sembunyi dan lari

inilah kenyataan

how can i make a difference to the world if i don’t move forward,

if i don’t become better?

i have to make a difference.

i have to live for the purpose of which i am created.

i’m not sure if i am capable, but i have to try.

.