All posts tagged feel

it isn’t just love.

Published February 14, 2012 by crystalights

i hope that what i’m about to write about, is not a way of being judgemental. about anyone. or anything much. but.

this is what i think of when i see a lot of happenings around me. for quite a while now.


i think that love should not be the reason that holds people back from what they could become.

if a person has potentials and capabilities and especially willingness to move forward, then why shouldn’t they do so (if it doesn’t defy any divine law)?

why shouldn’t they be more than what they could be just because it would provide more comfort to the people they are tied to in the name of love;


what is love?

does love mean that everything else doesn’t count?

that evrything else doesn’t matter?

what about those years that you worked hard for, those things that you’ve learnt, those people who were there taking care of your back, fending for you, fighting for you, making the effort for you?

people who’ve helped you along the way, people who love you even before you knew what love is;

and what about other people? the rest of the world who needs love and concern as well?


if you truly love someone, would you want them to put away their dreams and aspirations JUST for YOU?

is it fair for them? that you not only have them by your side anytime anywhere, you even have them forsaking their dreams for you.


is love selfish?

because no, i don’t believe that love is. selfish.

but i believe that at some point, some things have got to give.


if it means that you leave work 24 hours earlier so that the one you love can see a dying family member,

or the one you love can function and contribute as a member of society whether or not you love her more than you’ve ever loved anybody else

or the one you love can excel in her own field even more than yours despite the fact that you love her when you know you’re a prideful man;

or the one you love can be guided and corrected by you without having to put her down or below you or letting her mistakes be ignored just because you love her

or the one you love will have her dreams, ambitions and wishes be considered in the decisions that you make even if you hold the power or authority in your household

then i guess that is what “giving” in love means.

(and when i say love, i mean love dlm ikatan yg sah. klau tk camane nk ceriter bab2 household nih).


so yes

it’s not that i don’t believe in love

it’s just that i don’t want to feel like: “it’s okay to be selfish (if) i’m in love” as if love justifies everything else on this earth.


as if it’s okay to let the one you love put their life on hold just to make way for yours but you just expect it to be that way because this is the definition of rights, love and loyalty or obligations to you, the “deserving” one.

walaupun sbg “nakhoda” kamu berhak, tapi sbg “anak kapal” dia juga punya hak utk dikasihi dan diperlakukan sbgaimana dia mengasihi dan memperlakukan with unwavering loyalty and respect.

walaupun kamu “nakhoda” yang punya hak, tak salah pun if you consider what she feels or need when you practice your rights. if you love her, would you demand what you deserve, or would you feel thankful and appreciate her efforts especially when she comes to your aid willingly out of love?

her efforts that are manifestations of her loyalty and sense of duty should not be taken for granted, right?

lagipn bukan ke Rasullullah (s.a.w) pernah berkata:

“Yang terbaik di antara kamu adalah yang paling baik dengan isterinya”

Rasulullah (s.a.w) pun tk pernah mendisiplinkan isteri dgn cara marah2 di khalayak.


so i think

even if i might not know what love is,

i really don’t think i agree with the kind of love that holds people back from what they could become, or disregard their ambitions and wishes, and disrespect their feelings or thoughts, or disregard their loyalty and sense of duty and in itself, disregarding the sincerity of their love.


if we know how big it means to love,

would we so recklessly claim to love and to be in love?


between people.

Published December 29, 2011 by crystalights


nostalgia (?)


what do you call this feeling?

bile tibe2 kiter kembali ke mana kiter pnah tinggalkn stlh skian lama berkelana.


after all that time suddenly

i find myself on my bed in our shared bedroom

texting my friends and rplying mssages


as if i’ve always been here and the past few months (up to a year) nver really happened (before).


i don’t intend to erase anything

before and after, are both parts of my life now.

but i didn’t think that i would still have

some of the things that i left behind.


the room bsically still looks the same


and although earlier tday i think i didn’t know where mom put some of her pots n pans,

and her asam jawa (in the kitchen),


finally when i start doing and thinking (abt) things in this home


i feel like: hey,

at least i get to be here now.


the days before i left were probably the loneliest,

i guess it’s the kind of feeling when you’re surrounded but alone.


reflecting on the last few views of the city,

how bittersweet.


i don’t know where life would take me sooner or later,


amidst the job-hunting, and license arranging,

and accounts setting,


at least

i’m here now.




it is a blessing that all is not completely lost.


my past and my future,

is all up to god’s mercy and will,



i thought it’s normal for people to leave


since some of them stayed aftr all

i guess i have to know

that this has got to be worth something


life will pass us by

no soul can stop time


seasons replace one another

that’s what they do,

they don’t stay.


but i guess when they leave, they do come back.

that is if you’re still there to see it.


as for me,

i want to embrace. time.


i want to be thankful.


i want to be at peace with time.


fall back

Published December 26, 2011 by crystalights


sometimes there’s just that temporary stop that you have to meet and wait out until the road is clear for you to move again.


i think,

for this there is nothing more to say.


i can’t bend the world and its circumstances and mould it according to what i desire


but for every effort i am certain

that there is a purpose and reason

and i

just want to have faith.

you. all of you.

Published December 25, 2011 by crystalights

i didn’t do what i did because i’m proud of it,

i know that the credit is not mine.

i did it because i want to let some people know. where i am. what i’ve done.

that’s all.

i don’t think it’s something to be proud about, all good things are from The One True Creator.

they’re not from me, not because of me.


i didn’t know anything other than what god has allowed me to know,

i didn’t learn anything other than what god has allowed me to learn.

i got through it because of god’s mercy upon me.



i just thought i’d let you know.

not really for the purpose of proving my self-worth or anything like that,

but rather,

just to let you know.

that i am somewhere. where you can know and see.

and that you can reach out to me.

that i am there.

that i can share some little part of me, if it means i get to see you share yours with me.


those pictures are not there to prove what i’ve been up to with my life

it’s a way of bridging out my life to others like you


because i wanted to believe that there’s still hope

that different life phases shouldn’t mean the end of communication


it’s a reason to link the unlinked because we share the earth like the stars share the same sky.


so yes,

i’m telling a part of my story through those pictures

that i got to a different place and then i finished what i think i have to do there

and now,

now i’m here


i’m in the same land as you are

i didn’t really think i’ve stayed away for a very long time


but i’m here now

i hope that it’s not the end of what could possibly be a continuation of how much we know each other


i don’t hate you

i don’t think i have anyone i hate

i just don’t know how to react

i don’t know what would be the best


i don’t know a lot of things

but i think i want to try

so that i don’t inflict hurt or receive hurt

even though sometimes, it’s not that easy.


a lot of things isn’t even truly real

i’m also just a person inside

i can’t read people’s hearts that well, and i can’t make my heart that well-read

i’m just trying to figure out the better way to live and let live


i grew up through different circumstances and became this

i don’t intend to blame anyone

i just hoped tht i could be better

so that i don’t become the heavy burden on someone’s shoulder or the large boulder on someone’s path


hoping that when you think of me, you won’t remember the difficulties that i might’ve put you through,

but rather,

the good things i’ve shared with you.


you don’t have to understand


just. believe. that hurting anyone around me is the last thing on my mind.


trust me. i never intend to hurt anyone’s heart because it’s the only thing inside us that makes things feel a little more tangible and real and perhaps more hopeful.


what i want most of the time is just: the benefit of the doubt

no matter whichever way i go



jalan masih panjang

Published December 12, 2011 by crystalights


after autumn passed

and winter left

spring was here

but now summer’s beginning.



it is worth the burning heat if it means you can stare at the sun sinking against the horizon


sometimes it’s bearable

because while it lasts there’s a beauty that surpass


i’m looking forward to tomorrow,

may our hearts be brave


and may Allah help us to the rightful path,

and teach me what i should know,




The One Who Creates will not simply forsake;

this i believe is true.


Published December 5, 2011 by crystalights


dlm hidup ni i’m still searchng for somethng yg aku rase aku masih blum dpt.

mgkn sbb aku tk ckup mncari

kelemahan tu ada pd aku,

aku tk salahkn sesiape.


right now full results masih blum kluar lg

ader lg 1 subject yg blum ada result

i tell myself to not worry or have that fear

because i want my fear to only be towards The One who Created me


but i’m still trying


insyaAllah hri ni ada interview kt city

it’s frm a malaysian university,

i’m still thinking about some things,

not sure how it will work out.


aku harap aku sedar bahawa apa pun yg tuhan tentukan utk aku, itulah yg terbaik utk aku.




La hau la wa la quwwata illa billah.


saat2 mcm ni, ksibukan aku tk mcm ksibukan dlm smester

tk mcm ksibukan yg lbih mencabar physical & mental yg aku kene attend classes, buat groupwork or individual work, kejar due dates, find out about things at the same time luangkan mase utk perkara2 non-campus.

skrg, ksibukan aku masih ada lg ruang2 yg lain

even when i attend other things, i still feel that longing of going back soon.

maksudnyer kesibukan aku tak ckup maximum utk memadamkan rase ni.

it’s like a drug. like i need a distraction so that i don’t feel like i’m deprived of a home that i think i need to come home to.


aku rasa berdosa

sbb dlm hati dan diri aku ni tak ckup dibina satu perhubungan yg sempurna antara aku dan Pencipta-ku

sbb tu lah hati aku tak tenang,

sbb aku rase mcm jauh dari Dia.

klau hubungan aku dgn Dia lebih smpurna

s’kurang2nya, prasaan yg mendukakan aku bukan perkra2 duniawi, tapi perkara2 yg menghalang jalanku mendekati-Nya dan mencari redha-Nya.

i think,

my worries are still petty and perhaps inconsequential.

ape yg aku risau dan takut tu, rsenye bukan betul2 sesuatu yg aku patut risau dan takutkan


sesungguhnya Allah dh tntukan semuenye utk setiap insan.




smlm i think, i realize a lot of things.

no, bukan smlm je, i think stiap hari ada sesuatu yg baru yg tuhan izinkan utk diperlihatkan kpd aku.

smlm, dlm hari kluarga yg aku attend tu, aku nmpak quite a few pple bawak kluarga dtg.

and then i see how these students (like me) have that character resemblance which relates to their families, especially the parents.

when i saw their mothers,

i think i understand a little more of their sons and daughters.

i think, i looked at this person and i guess i realized that

all this while there was still a side that i did not know of

i think,

when a child is left on his/her own for most of his/her younger life

he/she becomes the kind of person that adapts to things that requires his/her own inner strength

and sometimes, it might not be an easy and pleasant thing for him/her,

and not everyone can become this,

but because that was wht happened to them, then that is part of what makes them the way they are


people who were left behind,

they grow differently than people who were molly-coddled their entire life.


it’s like the affectionate and non-affectionate thing.

i guess sometimes you might just become something that has adapted to the things that you’re used to.



bukan semua org grow up in the same manner

and bukan semua org ada the same mannerisms

sometimes byk benda yg tlah berlaku terhadap seseorg yg kite tk nampak

yg kita nampak adalah hasilnya

slpas semua yg dh terjadi tu membentuk sbhgn peribadi seseorg tu


so i think,

i have to remind myself that even when i think i know someone

there are still things that i might not know of.



i want to go and bersiap.






Published December 3, 2011 by crystalights


ysterday was like the official bginning of rsults released to studnts.


ysterday he called. and asked. of course he’d ask, it’s him. that’s jst him being him.


ysterday i told him to write my rsults down. so tht he’d calculate. estimate. evaluate. (no, not congratulate. jst appreciate. and no, not me. bt jst wht’s written).


yesterday he asked about qualifyng for graduation.


ysterday, was a whirlwind.


and tday,

tday i found myself thinking: pls let this be enough. let it be enough.


(i still hav 1 more rsults tht i’m waiting for. or ws i waiting on bhalf of him? dn’t exctly know).


lying is easier but that’s not wht we’re born to do,

evn whn i don’t have it all rite now i guess let’s jst let him hav wht he wants.


and isn’t it strange how he appears in our cnvrsations,

he always appears.

like it’s the most natural thing in the world for one of your own to appear evn when we don’t exactly want the same things.


but whtever.


it doesn’t really matter.


i want to have patience.