feelings

All posts tagged feelings

derailed.

Published April 13, 2012 by crystalights

a lot of things might have happened differently than how we planned it to be

 

as for me

i want a lot of things

a lot of which i think wasn’t entirely for me,

but still,

i planned and wanted them that way anyway.

 

but then, it didn’t exactly happen that way

like a train off its tracks,

some things went wayy off their plans.

 

but even then,

even now,

the thing is that, it isn’t your plans that sets the track

the one that sets it is the one that created you

the Almighty.

 

and so,

because it wasn’t your plans that sets the track, when things happen differently than your plans, it doesn’t mean that you’re derailed of your whole life course.

it could just mean that this is your track.

of course you have free will, and of course you have your choices and paths to choose, but you also have and will always have the conditions and circumstances that puts you there by fate & destiny that Allah has willed for you. you also have and will always have everything (else) fated for you, despite all or any of the choices you make. 

in fact, your choices and their outcomes has always been known by your Lord.

 

because the one who created you knows the choices that you will make and the outcomes of each path you choose or not choose,

Allah’s knowledge encompasses and surpasses all.

 

things might not be all bright all the time but

i want to have faith.

i know that this could be a test that i will have to endure

because a lot of times in the past, i didn’t really pass. those things that i’m supposed to endure and overcome.

so.

 

let’s do this.

 

insyaAllah, tuhan takkan menzalimi kita semua.

 

sekarang aku just fikir,

dlm keberadaan aku di sini

apa yg terbaik yg aku boleh lakukan?

supaya ada tempat utk aku mencari rahmat-Nya,

what is the best that i can do?

don’t.

Published February 23, 2012 by crystalights

i don’t wanna write down what i wished would/have happen(ed)

don’t wanna put into words all of those that wasn’t put to reality.

 

“..regrets and mistakes,

they’re memories made;

who would have known how bittersweet this would taste..”

 

i guess today didn’t go so well.

in fact i think, a lot of things wasn’t going so well lately;

but no, i don’t wanna write them down.

i would rather count my blessings than count my misfortunes.

 

i guess this is my rough patch

and no one can save me except Allah.

 

astaghfirullahalazim.

 

jgnlah aku termasuk org2 yg berputus asa dari rahmat-Mu,

dan jgnlah perasaanku mengatasi perananku,

Amiin~

it isn’t just love.

Published February 14, 2012 by crystalights

i hope that what i’m about to write about, is not a way of being judgemental. about anyone. or anything much. but.

this is what i think of when i see a lot of happenings around me. for quite a while now.

 

i think that love should not be the reason that holds people back from what they could become.

if a person has potentials and capabilities and especially willingness to move forward, then why shouldn’t they do so (if it doesn’t defy any divine law)?

why shouldn’t they be more than what they could be just because it would provide more comfort to the people they are tied to in the name of love;

 

what is love?

does love mean that everything else doesn’t count?

that evrything else doesn’t matter?

what about those years that you worked hard for, those things that you’ve learnt, those people who were there taking care of your back, fending for you, fighting for you, making the effort for you?

people who’ve helped you along the way, people who love you even before you knew what love is;

and what about other people? the rest of the world who needs love and concern as well?

 

if you truly love someone, would you want them to put away their dreams and aspirations JUST for YOU?

is it fair for them? that you not only have them by your side anytime anywhere, you even have them forsaking their dreams for you.

 

is love selfish?

because no, i don’t believe that love is. selfish.

but i believe that at some point, some things have got to give.

 

if it means that you leave work 24 hours earlier so that the one you love can see a dying family member,

or the one you love can function and contribute as a member of society whether or not you love her more than you’ve ever loved anybody else

or the one you love can excel in her own field even more than yours despite the fact that you love her when you know you’re a prideful man;

or the one you love can be guided and corrected by you without having to put her down or below you or letting her mistakes be ignored just because you love her

or the one you love will have her dreams, ambitions and wishes be considered in the decisions that you make even if you hold the power or authority in your household

then i guess that is what “giving” in love means.

(and when i say love, i mean love dlm ikatan yg sah. klau tk camane nk ceriter bab2 household nih).

 

so yes

it’s not that i don’t believe in love

it’s just that i don’t want to feel like: “it’s okay to be selfish (if) i’m in love” as if love justifies everything else on this earth.

 

as if it’s okay to let the one you love put their life on hold just to make way for yours but you just expect it to be that way because this is the definition of rights, love and loyalty or obligations to you, the “deserving” one.

walaupun sbg “nakhoda” kamu berhak, tapi sbg “anak kapal” dia juga punya hak utk dikasihi dan diperlakukan sbgaimana dia mengasihi dan memperlakukan with unwavering loyalty and respect.

walaupun kamu “nakhoda” yang punya hak, tak salah pun if you consider what she feels or need when you practice your rights. if you love her, would you demand what you deserve, or would you feel thankful and appreciate her efforts especially when she comes to your aid willingly out of love?

her efforts that are manifestations of her loyalty and sense of duty should not be taken for granted, right?

lagipn bukan ke Rasullullah (s.a.w) pernah berkata:

“Yang terbaik di antara kamu adalah yang paling baik dengan isterinya”

Rasulullah (s.a.w) pun tk pernah mendisiplinkan isteri dgn cara marah2 di khalayak.

 

so i think

even if i might not know what love is,

i really don’t think i agree with the kind of love that holds people back from what they could become, or disregard their ambitions and wishes, and disrespect their feelings or thoughts, or disregard their loyalty and sense of duty and in itself, disregarding the sincerity of their love.

 

if we know how big it means to love,

would we so recklessly claim to love and to be in love?

to just be.

Published January 23, 2012 by crystalights

when i was younger,

i liked watching jpanese anime.

i think, i still do now.

i like that there is a story behind every character that is drawn, and that the drawings beautifully depicts this.

 

there was this anime which i really made an effort to follow, frm the beginning untill the end

it was:

“honey and clover”.

 it was this really heartfelt story about a group of people who are very different but has this common ground that somehow puts them together: art and studies.

and in the midst of each of their own personal trials and tribulations, they somehow survived and came to know more about what love and life really is:

it’s not all sweet and pretty and predictable all the time

and a lot of times what the story is saying is something that really hits home.

 

when the cool-headed nomiya brought yamada who was grieving an unrequited love to view the ferris wheel from the balcony of his apartment 

he knew she was in this deep sadness

and he talked about how

some things look better when they’re seen from a far distance

because once you come near and got on it

it isn’t anything as enticing as that view from afar.

 

and then i think

she gets what he means

and she can only allow herself to wallow.

 

*

 

i think

some things require effort and sacrifices

and time and especially: the arrangement of fate and destiny

 

but if it’s not meant to be and you’re somewhere else other than the kind of situation that you thought you wanted to be in

 

then perhaps you’re just exactly where you’re supposed to be

(even when you find it so hard to believe)

 

because every path and consequences are written

 

and you,

you might think that you don’t want to be the onlooker of a beautiful view,

you want to be within that and be there to know what it’s like from the inside looking out instead of the outside looking in

because you want to know what it’s like to be encased in a breathtaking view

 

 

but really

could it be that the grass is greener on the other side

when you know it’s been the same earth and the same sunshine

the same kind of feeling you get when you watch the lights glitter in the dark

the same soreness of a yearning heart

 

eventually

wouldn’t we be in the same cycle again

that we would want something that we have yet to have

or that we could never have

that is unreachable no matter how tangible

 

perhaps happiness means

that you’re just happy regardless of how near or far you are from that breathtaking view

that you can close your eyes and see it there anyway, even when it isn’t there when you open them

and seeing them there doesn’t change the way you feel about where you are

because the fact that you’re somewhere distant enough to see and feel and think

is reason enough for you to just be. happy. or at least remotely content.

 

i think there is a reason why there is only one snow white even when there are 7 dwarfs;

maybe,

some people are meant to be rescued

while others are meant to be rescuing.

 

maybe

some people are meant to be looked up to

but it doesn’t mean that they’re not looking after.

 

maybe

some people are meant to be more than what they are to themselves

 

maybe

some people take a longer time for a happy ending

not because they are undeserving

but because our Creator is kind enough to give more time and distance for our selves to learn, to seek, and to be enriched with valuable lessons and experiences

 

everyone has their own struggles

so

perhaps there is no one particular thing that exactly defines our lives’ worth.

unlinked

Published December 27, 2011 by crystalights

 

if there is nothing that links them together

then what could be the purpose of them being there

other than a mark of how far is far enough

or how deep is too deep.

 

but really,

does it even fulfil that simple purpose?

 

i

want to be better,

but i’m not.

i feel like i didn’t,

and that everything was and is from my own weaknesses

 

when i get hurt i feel like it’s amplified

when i get worked up i feel like it’s war

 

it’s just that things aren’t always that smooth

i guess we live in a twisted world

i think what happens around us doesn’t always

excuse what we’ve done or become

 

i think

 

even if it’s easier to run away,

it’s not the perfect solution at the end of the day.

you. all of you.

Published December 25, 2011 by crystalights

i didn’t do what i did because i’m proud of it,

i know that the credit is not mine.

i did it because i want to let some people know. where i am. what i’ve done.

that’s all.

i don’t think it’s something to be proud about, all good things are from The One True Creator.

they’re not from me, not because of me.

 

i didn’t know anything other than what god has allowed me to know,

i didn’t learn anything other than what god has allowed me to learn.

i got through it because of god’s mercy upon me.

 

so

i just thought i’d let you know.

not really for the purpose of proving my self-worth or anything like that,

but rather,

just to let you know.

that i am somewhere. where you can know and see.

and that you can reach out to me.

that i am there.

that i can share some little part of me, if it means i get to see you share yours with me.

 

those pictures are not there to prove what i’ve been up to with my life

it’s a way of bridging out my life to others like you

 

because i wanted to believe that there’s still hope

that different life phases shouldn’t mean the end of communication

instead,

it’s a reason to link the unlinked because we share the earth like the stars share the same sky.

 

so yes,

i’m telling a part of my story through those pictures

that i got to a different place and then i finished what i think i have to do there

and now,

now i’m here

 

i’m in the same land as you are

i didn’t really think i’ve stayed away for a very long time

 

but i’m here now

i hope that it’s not the end of what could possibly be a continuation of how much we know each other

 

i don’t hate you

i don’t think i have anyone i hate

i just don’t know how to react

i don’t know what would be the best

 

i don’t know a lot of things

but i think i want to try

so that i don’t inflict hurt or receive hurt

even though sometimes, it’s not that easy.

 

a lot of things isn’t even truly real

i’m also just a person inside

i can’t read people’s hearts that well, and i can’t make my heart that well-read

i’m just trying to figure out the better way to live and let live

 

i grew up through different circumstances and became this

i don’t intend to blame anyone

i just hoped tht i could be better

so that i don’t become the heavy burden on someone’s shoulder or the large boulder on someone’s path

 

hoping that when you think of me, you won’t remember the difficulties that i might’ve put you through,

but rather,

the good things i’ve shared with you.

 

you don’t have to understand

 

just. believe. that hurting anyone around me is the last thing on my mind.

 

trust me. i never intend to hurt anyone’s heart because it’s the only thing inside us that makes things feel a little more tangible and real and perhaps more hopeful.

 

what i want most of the time is just: the benefit of the doubt

no matter whichever way i go