All posts tagged goodbyes

hari penting

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights


yesterday was the tuesday class (for sisters) at preston mosque.

i like the teacher. she is very commited, strong, warm, and gifted.

some of the people who came travelled for like an hour jst to listen to her speak through this class.

some walked quite a distance to get to class.

when i talk to her (because i usually have questions by the end of class), she listens, answers, and gives this sense of assurance of what i should do in this very heart-warming way, it’s like you feel like you are regarded with care and  not judged or put under scrutiny for whatever unconventional way you present yourself.

it’s a good class, with a good teacher. (and sometimes people cry because her words are heart-moving).



aftr class we usually leave, but ysterday we stayed for a while.

and then after zuhur it turns out that there was a funeral.

so they gathered for the jenazah prayers.

afterwards, i wanted to see/be near the jenazah.

so i walked and asked if anybody knew the person who passed away.

srious aku tk knal pun org ni, but i feel like i should be there in some way or another.

and then when they lift the rectangular jenazah casket,

i walked along with them

until they placed it inside the jenazah car.

and as people cry i went to this crying aunty (whom i don’t even know) and jst pat her side

she looked at me and cried again (i don’t think she speaks english)


so i figured that okay, why don’t i just let her be

and i went to another aunty (who wasn’t crying)

and i said to her a few things,

i told her: “innalillahi wa inna ilahi raji’un”

she spoke to us in another language, and then perhaps she realized we don’t undrstand her words and so she said:

“we are followers”



i think she means that: we too, will one day be a jenazah carried away in the casket.


mgkn sbb tu ada org prnah kata bhwa mati itu-lah tazkirah yg terbaik.

peringatan yg terbaik.

waktu jenazah diangkat dan dibawa pergi

ada satu rasa yg aku rasa

yg aku rasa bukan perasaan fizikal jasad ku

tpi sbnrnye rohani dan mungkin nurani

maybe at that time,

my soul can feel that the soul of that jenazah has left its body;

and that one day, my soul will leave my body too.


mati itu adalah mutlak.

hakikat kebenaran.

absolute. permanent. final, before the next part comes along.

Dan mereka akan dibawa ke hadapan Tuhanmu dengan berbaris. (Allah berfirman), “Sesungguhnya kamu datang kepada Kami, sebagaimana Kami menciptakan kamu pada pertama kali; bahkan kamu menganggap bahwa Kami tidak akan menetapkan bagi kamu waktu (berbangkit untuk memenuhi) perjanjian.”

Al-Kahf: 48


wlaupun skrg ada ketikanya dunia terasa penting,

ada lagi keadaan yg lebih penting yg berkepentingan lebih besar yg bakal dtg.


semoge amal baik pd hari ini turut terbayar pada hari penting tu nanti,



leaving. believing. feeling. like i should.

Published November 17, 2011 by crystalights

sometimes i think

i can hardly believe

that i’m going to leave this place.

sometimes i think i don’t understand why people feel what they feel

when they study abroad

because i don’t think i feel the same way

when i’m not where i’ve been but where i have to be


i remember crying on the plane

in the tram

by the streets

in my room

on the way to campus

on the walk from campus


crying and thinking

and crying and thinking

everytime something happens i couldn’t really make anyone understand why





and difficult it was


to understand


sometimes i think

i am surrounded

and have people that i meet

and people that somehow stick around

with me

but still


i couldn’t find

the kind of feeling i have when i feel like i’m where i belong



pride and persistence

Published November 16, 2011 by crystalights

so i sent that message to you

because even after all that has happened all this time

i know that there are things that are more important than my self-assured pride

i should have known

that being the only one thinking that way

could mean being hurt more than what i’ve ever imagined


i think i understand

that sometimes some people find some things more difficult to give away

but some people gave them away anyway (no matter how difficult)

because giving is what you’ll eventually have to do

in order for you to receive

and what is more valuable than your selfish pride and egoistic perceptions

is something that you cannot create with your own hands


because you live in a big world, no matter how small it is

and you’re a small soul, no matter how big you dream

and you’re not entirely independent, no matter how much you believe that you are

you’re not above and beyond those whom you’ve known

you can’t bend the wind and move the earth at your will

you can’t even put a heart at your beck and call

perhaps not even your own heart

you are just another creation with the roles of which you are created for

so don’t

make me feel 

like i owe you the world

when i have believed

that all that i’m trying to do

was live up to that role

and this name

the reason of my return to the same road after all this

wasn’t for you or because of you

it was for that role and this name.


because underneath all the mess

someone’s got to do what they can to fix the damage

and i’m not sure if it will be you

so i guess

i’m gonna have to

do more than what i used to do

or what i would have done in my distant past

of which you were partly part of

but perhaps not as crystal as when we parted before our parting




Published February 17, 2011 by crystalights

spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there’s always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it’s hard at the end of the day

i need some distraction

beautiful release

memories seep from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

i’ll find some peace tonight




so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there’s vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don’t make no difference

escaping one last time

it’s easier to believe

in this sweet madness

this glorious sadness

which brings me to my knees.



i thought that if my feelings show on my face

i should just turn away for it to not be seen

but even if i don’t turn away forever

you’ll never really look deeper into what you see


you’ll never be the one to lighten my heavy heart

i’m 23, going on 24 this year

and i don’t think i’ve ever known what happiness is.

just some occasional relief. sense of recovery. and a little bit of temporary calm before every approaching storm.

but happiness? no, i never really knew what that’s like.


sometimes i think you’ll always be someone i can’t escape from.


it’s not easy to be



we have to leave home today.

and i have to fly on saturday.



can’t really think.

there’s too much going on

i feel like it’s the end


i don’t wanna leave this early

i want to stay home a bit longer before leaving.

not staying in a place that i don’t like while waiting for my flight date.


even at a time like this,

i can’t have what i choose.


ader jugak terfikir

kenapa mesti pergi?

kenapa tak buat semuanya disini je?

is this what is right for me?

i’m tired

of carrying out his wishes

i want him to feel my pain

not so that he’ll get hurt, but so that he’ll stop hurting people (like me).


when he went away,

everyone here had to go along with him.

he was never really alone.

but now he’s sending me away

like this

like it doesn’t even matter what i’ll go through

as long as i do what is expected of me.


i know that it doesn’t matter what i feel

but i can’t make this feeling disappear either


what about me?

what about what i want?

what about me?

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things


i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.


so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.


we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.


and yes


i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified


i have around 19 days left before the end begins


i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.


so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.



here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell


to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights


sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.


sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.


sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.


so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return


we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another


and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.


i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.


i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.


i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it