hanging by a moment

All posts tagged hanging by a moment

sky

Published December 7, 2011 by crystalights

watching the sun set from the highest floor of the highest skydeck in the Southern Hemisphere 

is nothing short of amazing.

it’s the 88th floor of the Eureka Skydeck (Tower)

 

eventually the sun sets.

and only then did the city lights become more visible.

the transition was beautifully slow

little by little

the redness splashed in rainbow streaks across the horizon.

little by little

i find myself bearing the things that i thought was almost unbearable;

little by little

i realized that it doesn’t matter what i feel

i got up there anyway

i saw the sun go down and disappear beneath the line

it does not wait

for anyone to be with it

it just sets

the way that it is meant to set (in).

 

staring at the sun from the highest floor

everything seems so much clearer.

looking at the airplanes gently cruising the sky

and the sun slowly sinking so smoothly

i know that the world moves (on) as time passes (by)

it does not stop unless predestined.

 

perhaps

you and i are not who we used to be

the sun and the earth is not how it used to be

the view from the top is not how it used to be

perhaps 

we are among those used to how it used to be

perhaps

you only notice the citylights when the sun disappeared.

but of course,

the citylights can never be the sun.

a thousand generic flicker can never outworth the value of one star.

 

they may be similar but always, always not the same

always trying to fill in the inadequacy

always, but not enough.

 

i think

no matter how beautiful the view is it will never be perfect without the sun in it.

 

the sun doesn’t have to wait for me,

let me wait for the sun.

 

i can’t be the way you want me to be just like i can’t sleep with my eyes open

we see things when they’re open

when they’re closed we take more breather

when they’re closed we sleep off the entire world

because beautiful things doesn’t stop your eyes from closing

 

when the time comes

 

open or closed, aren’t they still your eyes?

 

 

 

 

okay.so. THE INTERVIEW..

Published December 5, 2011 by crystalights

..wasn’t really an interview, according to them.

(although i did feel like it was like an interview. only in a different format).

cerite dier agak pjg dan klakar.

aku rase mcm mlas pulak nk cerite kt sini.

aku nak borak psl ni comfortably, maybe over tea and karipap or something, face to face with some people kot,

not write it down here for the virtual world to contain.

 

because inside me there is so much that i don’t know if i can contain

i need a refreshing feedback about life and the future,

from people that i’m familiar with,

not just an approval or a sugar-coater.

 

just, ape yg aku dpt drpd “interview” ni is that:

if i want to continue to the next level, i have to start thinking about a rsearch project.

they (took our resumes and) said that they will inform us if we are suitable for  any of their faculties’ vacancies and then they’ll come up with a fellowship contract for a studying scholarship which includes: upon completion of the studies, joining their workforce.

tibe2 aku rase bunyi dier mcm ala2 “fellowship of the ring” pulak.

i think it’s erm..srious business.

they say if you get the fellowship scholarship deal and you don’t finish your pHD then you’re not going anywhere, PLUS you have to pay back the scholarship fee.

which means it is serious business.

 

and so mcm2 jgk ditanya td,

and candidate yg lain pn ader yg agak promising jgk: I.T+business, A.I & network (mechatronic eng), microbiology, and so on.

 

i’m thinking about the things that are at stake,

i was almost certain wayy back then,

but i think i’m considering a few things because somethng happened to someone, a few months ago

which made me think. some more.

 

bottom line is that:

it’s not a simple decision. but today’s session gave me the idea of what are the things that are most likely to come (in the future)

if i want to do what i want, to do it in a better position, i might need to prepare myself (again?) for the next part.

 

so i guess i want to say:

“welcome to reality, baby”

 

(if someone is willing to pay for another 3-4 years of study which you have to personally derive and drive on your own and which you have to ensure that you’ll complete and not fail which determines your entire career for the next half a decade or so, will you take the chance and risk the time and youth in your hands and give your all for it?)

 

’cause if you would, you might have to start searching. like now.

 

(among them someone said the feedback’s in january).

 

so

where do i go from here?

 

should i? go?

 

sure. at least i think i know what i don’t know.

Published November 17, 2011 by crystalights

wow.

that was a bit surprising.

but.

because i know you’ve called them, that’s why i was asking you.

why would i call to ask about the same product if i know that someone i know has called before?

 

why would i ask you if i could ask any other people i know?

 

i don’t mean to have many questions

but sometimes i just do.

 

sometimes i can’t control the extent of my inquisitiveness

i can’t always help it if i like making sure of things

i like knowing in detail, in advance

 

if you don’t wish to see this kind of habit then i apologize for the inconvenience

but i never meant to add more to your list of things to do

never meant to be a burden

 

i just wanted to know.

if you can’t help me then just tell me you don’t know.

 

don’t tell me what you think i should do as if i don’t know what to do

of course i know

 

i just thought that there are other simpler ways of knowing,

like knowing from those who know

 

i guess i know now

that it’s better to not try to know so much from someone who i thought might know more than i do

because i just have to know from what i can know

not from people whom i thought has known more than what i know.

 

.

 

and by d way,

i was happy today before all of that happened

1 of my subject’s grade came out.

i got to buy the ingredients that i wanted.

and i met a friend whom i haven’t talked to for a while.

 

it was all okay,

until that kind of response came.

 

 and now i think i need some distractions.

 

whatever.

 

aku yang penat rimas lemas panas

Published October 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

i just don’t want people to know.

what is soo damn wrong about that?

i have nothing to be proud of.

lagi byk org tahu, lagi besar tekanan aku.

lagi sesak hati aku.

.

he doesn’t seem to want to stop telling people.

i think by now some of his friends already know.

she, on the other hand, keeps responding negatively to me when i speak of my concerns.

and sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even know of my current condition.

hari tu dier call sane, tanye psl something yg sbnrnye tak perlu smpai call pun.

pas tu bile org tu tanye dier balik (pasal aku), dier jwb yg aku tgh in the starting process of something.

pdahal the initial process dah settle pun.

(mcmane dier boleh tak tau aku dah settle the initial process? i told her every single thing, every single time. and yet she doesn’t know. it’s like all those things that i’ve said over the past couple of months just disappeared from her head).

from the other side of that phonecall it looks like : “eleh baru nak starting dah tanye2 mcm ni”.

padahal aku bukannye baru nak start.

aku bukannye suke2 nak tanye pun.

.

and then today dier hantar msg utk tanye org sane.

pas tu bile org tu call dier ckp mcm ni : “utk letak org utk di refer/contact kalau ade ape2 nanti”.

ckp je la i need that name to fill in the forms. tak pyh la ckp mcm aku nak mintak tlg klau ade ape2 nanti.

nampak mcm aku ni nak mintak tlg sgt.

ni kan cume stakat nak penuhkan borang je.

dah la tempat kita tak same.

jauhnye bukan stakat 10 mnit boleh smpai.

aku tak nak la smpai org rase terbeban pulak.

mesti ke nak libatkan org lain?

aku tak suke org fikir bahawa aku ni perlu dijaga.

i’m not a little child that needs to be taken care of.

.

dah la byk org yg tak berkaitan dah tahu.

pas tu org yg memang berkaitan pulak tak diberitahu dgn jelas about how dier tu berkaitan.

silap2 dier ingat aku ni nak mintak tlg dier uruskan aku.

padahal kaitan kita hanye pada nama.

i don’t have to share my life’s details just because of the relationship of our families.

.

i don’t even know if i want to do this.

but at this point i know that what i want doesn’t matter.

i just have to pull myself together for this.

dah la aku rase sesak hati bile pkir pasal ni

aku tak sure pun aku nak buat ke tidak,

boleh buat ke tidak.

pas tu benda kecik2 yg aku mintak utk rahsiakan pun tak dapat.

dah la aku kena dgar ckp, ikut kata, turut titah (for something as unimaginable as this),

then dlm nak uruskan the whole thing pun nak desak2 aku and push me to the edge.

pas tu aku request utk keep it quiet pun tak boleh.

klau sume kene dgar ckp korg then korg je la yg pergi.

aku rase, right from the first day hati aku tak pernah aman.

i wanna do what i think my life needs,

not put on a show for the entire world to know.

.

tak perlu la beritahu semua org

aku yang rase malu.

malu sgt sbb ni bukannye pencapaian yg nak dibanggakan,

mungkin ini ujian yg perlu ditempuh & dijalani.

.

my life is not a show.

.

i’m sick of having to live up to that kind of expectations

aku rimas.

.

kalau sampai masenye nanti biar la aku sendiri yg beritahu sesiapa pun yg aku nak beritahu.

itu lebih baik dari pukul canang seawal ini.

.

tolong la kembali berpijak di dunia nyata.

this is not a fairytale.

this isn’t the best thing to ever happen in our entire lives.

this is just another chapter of my unexpected life story.

.

just stop fussing and pushing and egging me on.

aku penat. rimas. lemas.

.

this is believable, right?

Published October 21, 2010 by crystalights

 

wow.

i was. surprised.

(and thankful)

alhamdulillah.

.

feelings:

just a tiny bit happy, a lot confused, puzzled, alarmed, nervous, melancholic.

.

thoughts:

very worried if i lost my chances of knowing more about what i needed to know because i thought that everything should already be stated in the details, right? (MUST MUST MUST ASK LATER!)

.

personal thoughts:

i don’t know if i can do this. but i know that i can’t just not do this. there is a difference between doing what you want and doing what you have to do [quote: kim key!]. so yes i think i understand what he means when he said that.

.

flash backs:

that phonecall during my final year industrial attachment presentation day to my dad when i first really, completely told him of what i wanted to do. it was probably one of those emotionally driven decisions of my life.

i was standing in the laboratory building by the staircase looking out the balcony with a phone up my ear for about an hour. he was just bugging me to finish what i was doing first and only then can i really search for the what and where of my plans. i was probably just being emotionally insecure (or plain stupid) at that time to come up with something like this (i don’t quite know). heck, i don’t even know if i would make the same decision if i could turn back the hands of time. but for now i can’t say that i regret this (because then i’ll have to be real stupid).

.

several things in mind:

  1. help my mum with what she wants to do.
  2. travelling with my lil sister.
  3. perfecting the condition of our home.
  4. cry.

.

i guess i am no longer full of words.

so there

(is this closure. yet?)

.

let me be

Published October 15, 2010 by crystalights

 

personally, i don’t usually like writing something like this down

but because i somehow feel that it’s a big contributing factor to my feelings and actions for tonight, then i guess i’m jst gonna write it down anyway.

: it’s that time of the month again.

and i don’t feel so fine.

.

i am often emotionally unarmed at times like this.

it’s unnerving to be so vulnerable.

yeah.

i feel so stupid.

.

i wanna ask dad about my potential students but he’s been rather pre-occupied lately.

sometimes i feel like i’m in the way

so i guess i just try to stay out of his way (so that he won’t give me a hard time for not doing what he wants a few months ago and ending up like this)

no regrets, remember?

i did what i felt was right at that time anyway.

but afterwards when i wanted to do what i should do he wouldn’t let me

so technically, i tried.

he’s just somehow always in the way.

or maybe, we’re always in each other’s way

sometimes i feel like i’m suffocating underneath all that but i still do it because i couldn’t stand the catastrophic aftereffects if i don’t.

.

it wasn’t because i was afraid of what would happen

it’s because i can somehow predict how it would be

like a premature intuition

the end is what i was trying to avoid.

.

i feel so old

but i’m not even anywhere yet.

.

i could just sleep it off

but i know it would come back and haunt me when i open my eyes

it’s like a constant thought submerged in my subconsciousness

: all this time, what have i ever done that was truly what i wanted to do?

did i just take all that is wanted of me and turn it into what i want?

is it just my head going on autopilot, reprogramming itself to accept what is expected of me as my own and work for it?

.

i wanna do what i want

and work a job i love the most.

.

if my mum says okay then i won’t have to reconsider whatever dad would think.

but my mum won’t be the one who’d say okay if my dad says no.

i only need my mum to say okay but i’m always back at square one.

.

i’m 23 and i’m stuck.

FML

.

a farewell.

Published September 29, 2010 by crystalights

 

atn’s brother passed away at 3 a.m this morning.

it was cancer.

.

my dad’s old friend passed away last week.

it was cancer too.

we were there for the funeral.

it was raining softly as the sun hid behind the clouds.

.

.

we’ll never know when

our time will arrive.

.

but it will come and we’ll be on our own.

.

innalillahi wa inna illahi ro ji un

.

i want to lend a shoulder

but i’m too far away

.

but if you need it i’m still here

.

i’m sorry

(for your loss, for my distance, for your pain, for everything)

.