All posts tagged help

for love or money

Published July 14, 2010 by crystalights


i feel like throwing up. again.

so queasy.

i thought i just needed to eat something.

that i could just cook something to eat and it’ll be okay.

but eating made it feel worse.

everything’s not up to taste.

i feel sick.


i think he’s angry that i actually let that job go.


i don’t regret it. well. except for that one time when i thought about how good it would be when one day someone asks of my job and i’m working there.

but as i thought about it, even that felt odd and unbelievably wrong – to work in a place for the sole purpose of looking good even when your heart is in constant worry about the implication of your decisions.

i don’t want to work and feel guilty.

he thinks that permanent jobs can be easy to quit too, but of course he doesn’t know that. he never quits. he doesn’t know what it’s like.

it’s too messy.

in a perfect world, everything he says would come true with ease. without flaw.

but this isn’t a perfect world.

and i don’t want to lie.

i don’t want to put other people’s time and effort on the line.

i don’t care if it means i have to work two jobs to come up with the same or more pay than the one that i let go of.

as long as my heart’s in it, then isn’t that worth all the hours?


he doesn’t understand what i’m seeing.

it’s not always money and status all the time.

money money money

if it’s so damn valuable to you, then why not you go ahead and go money hunting yourself?

put in your extra time and work for that money that you want so much.

don’t push it on me.

i have my own things. my own dreams.

my own goals and plans.




Published April 24, 2010 by crystalights


i don’t wanna come up with reasons/justification/explanation/discussions right now because i still cannot accept the outcome of this analysis.


i will not.


i will try my best to work my way around it because i will not admit defeat.


because i can’t let it go.


so, yes.

everything else has to wait until i feel like it’s good enough.

i don’t care about anything else.


so i’ll just sleep on it tonight and start again tomorrow.


another day, another battle.

i’ll probably butt heads over it with my co on monday (i don’t know if she’ll agree on the new selection).

but because it’s the weekends i can’t really talk about it with her now.

so i’ll just proceed with it first. and then i’ll try and ask her if she’s okay with it on monday.


but it is difficult.

and i don’t know if i can hold on.

i haven’t felt this way for a very long time.

not even during those major exams in the past.

it’s like dissapointment fading into fear and everything escapes your grasp

(but you try so hard to not let it go)


toughen up lil soldier!


just dust yourself off and try again


what other kinds of non-parametric test (using SPSS) that i can run for an analysis of lead concentration (the independent variable) and its health effects (the dependent variable).

non-parametric tests other than the

  1. spearman’s rank order
  2. chi square
  3. mann-whitney
  4. kruskal-wallis
  5. friedman
  6. wilcoxon signed-rank

i need answers (because i’ve tried everything else in the book, but they don’t look good enough for my project writing).


i’m so unsatisfied.






i was browsing the student portal and look what i found:

  Attention to all Students !!

Need your Feedback!
We are currently running a survey and we would very much appreciate if you could complete our site survey so that we may gain from your experiences and ensure that Student portal meet your specific needs.<!–All complete truthful answer will be entered into a Lucky Draw. The lucky winners will receive 2GB USB Flash Drive. The results are posted on the student portal. Please click here to complete the short survey and don’t forget to submit your student no, name, contact number together with your active e-mail addresses.–>Note: Student Portal Survey will temporarily close from 5:30pm on 23 April 2010 due to server maintenance exercise. The online-survey application will start open back on 26 April 2010. Please check back soon, apologise for the inconvenience.

follow us

Follow us on twitter to get an update.



so that you may gain from our experiences, lemme just say:

  1. congratulations on the umpteenth (thousand?) times of your life-long server maintenance activitieS. (the last time this happened, the whole course registration thing was majorly disrupted AND interrupted. well done!)
  2. to meet our specific needs, let’s start with some grammatical restructuring.  “the online-survey application will start open back” (LOL!) and offers “5GB USB to be grabs” (LOL!) .let us be reminded how you take in foreign students (and foreign cash) and announced the classy attributes of your varsity (compared to the rest) ON AND ON and all over again. way to rake in profits! good job!
  3. follow you on twitter (major LOL!) is a beautiful dream indeed.


come on.

you can do better than that.

considering the amount that you get to take in so luxuriously (let’s not forget the “subsidies”!), 

sentence-checking is tiny.


you’re not that worthless.


you can make every SINGLE penny of payment WORTH IT!




Published April 10, 2010 by crystalights


my industrial attachment presentation is on monday.


today is saturday.

a couple of days to go.

i don’t feel quite right.

the adrenalin rush is building up slowly.

and the next thing i know, it could end up like my previous presentations : hyperventilating! like mad!

if i were a singer, i’d probably ruin my own concert.

and sound like rod stewart singing hip hop.

because when i breathe too quickly my voice tone goes UP and DOWN like crazy.

and then it comes out sounding like a vibrato through the sound system.


sometimes i hate my own heart beating.

so erratic and unstable.

so easily SURPRISED.

so easily touched and moved.

so open and unarmed.

and so stupid.


my heart is so easy to manhandle.

so easy to manipulate.

so easy to pluck and chuck

and damage.


what an easy piece of meat.


the handy-girl

Published March 30, 2010 by crystalights


i don’t have the answers to everything.

sometimes i get tired. of being the one people fall back on.

i’m on my own now. isn’t everyone in this position the same as me ?

we all don’t have the answers to everything

and in that sense, we’re all the same.

so don’t make me give what little i have left for myself.

i said this before :

i can’t take care of people.

i have my hands full just taking care of myself.

mentally, emotionally, physically.

i shouldn’t be the one that anyone looks for to deliver whatever they are in need of.

i can answer. but i can’t stay and be the solution. to everything.

so just

give me a break.

from this full-time job as your handy-girl.


and that is why i feel okay being on my own.

because i’m tired of being this handy-girl. for everything.


i decide what i want for myself.

so why don’t you (?)

decide what you want for yourself by your own self.


the 5-day plan.

Published March 23, 2010 by crystalights



i need to sort my thoughts out before i have a panic attack in the middle of the week.


things i need to do today:

  1. fix my papers for tomorow’s project day.
  2. prepare lunch/dinner. stir fry the veggie. cook the rice. and work on the chicken.
  3. shower
  4. fetch the kid at 4.
  5. do the laundry. that kid needs the shirt ready by the next morning.
  6. read up on the test procedures again.
  7. pretesting my papers by this evening.
  8. remind the maid next door about the kid’s tuition classes tomorrow night at 8.
  9. prepare ingredients for tomorrow morning’s cooking. defrost the fish and pick out the veggies.

things i need to do tomorrow:

  1. wake up early and send the kid to school.
  2. cook lunch/dinner before going out.
  3. catch the bus at 8.45a.m. (don’t forget that wristwatch).
  4. project day!! 11a.m to 3p.m.
  5. freshen up and head back by 3.45p.m. should arrive by 6p.m.
  6. get that kid to eat + get ready for that tuition classes.

things i need to do by friday:

  1. RESUME REPORT WRITING!! (it’s been quite a long time since then). DATELINE’S APPROACHING!!
  2. do the laundry. again.
  3. clean up the house. again.

things i may not get away with on saturday and sunday:

  1. she-who-must-not-be-named calling/showing up in the morning. (must wake up early and stay awake for the whole day).
  2. feeling like the house is fine. (must clean up the house. again.)
  3. buying take-outs. (must find what to cook. before that someone drops by and performs the ultimate inspection).
  4. not attending that kid’s taekwando class (but still. that could possibly be fixed).

things i need to do soon:

  1. figure out next month’s accommodations’ issue. soon. possibly before calling mum or dad.
  2. calm down and not feel like my entire student career could possibly come to an end.
  3. calm down and figure out how to tell mom and dad that i need to come home before report day at the campus monday morning on the 5th when in reality i have to register on the 2nd and still have to be here until the 3rd. my only possibly empty slot is the 4th. so how do you go on a 5 hour journey back home and another 5 hour journey back to the campus all in the span of 1 day?
  4. calm down. again.
  5. breathe.


i have to start working on my papers now for tomorrow’s project day.

my co-supervisor called asking about it.

i’m not even sure how it’s going to be tomorrow. but i sure act like i know what i’m doing.


i even lied through my teeth yesterday.

but maybe it isn’t really me lying, it’s just a contorted version of the untruth.

yeah whatever.

i’m such an awful liar.

fly away

Published March 21, 2010 by crystalights


aku rase mcm nak sparuh gile aku cam ni.

2-3 hari ulang-alik airport, mane larat wei.

pas tu balik airport, housework pulak.

ni bukan stakat 1 org je, 1 kluarge nak di layan.

mcm la aku ni takde tanggungjawab lain.

dgn nk deal with she-who-must-not-be-named lagi (and the whole motley crew).


aku penat la.

cube la faham.

dah la skit2 call. pas tu ckp kt telefon mcm tu smpai pedih hati aku dgar.

dah la kau pakai lepas je sgale aper yg ko nak ckp, sikit pun tak beralas utk jaga hati aku.


yang sebenar-benarnye tak nak stay.


kiter takde ape2 relation yg khas pun.

takde ape2 pun antara kita yg buat aku rase semua ni berbaloi.

yang dapat kurangkan sakit hati aku.

aku rase aku ni same je kot dgn bibik yg duduk rumah sebelah tu, cume bezanye dier kene jage org tua, aku plak kene jage org muda DAN org tua.

i can’t really sit here all the time for the next 2 weeks.

i have appointments and project work to attend.

you have to understand where my priorities lie.

it’s okay if you don’t trust me or think that i don’t deserve what i’ve been given.

i’m gonna go on some days i won’t be here all the time but when the time comes i’ll come back and do what is needed of me.

aku tak prnah rase tersepit dan hati sakit mcm ni.

aku tak pnah rase tak lalu makan mcm ni.

aku suke makan ko tau tak??!!

ko tau tak ape yg dh jadi ngn aku skarng ni?

ko tau tak derita hati aku ni?


i’m just here for the kid.

because i gave my word so i have to fulfill it.

no matter how much it kills me.

it has to be done.


dh la this kid mcm ni. and then the rest mcm tu.


flight reschedule tapi aku yg tak fly ni yg mcm nak gile menguruskan org yg nak fly dgn org2 yg tak fly.

aku ni orang gaji kluarge ko ke?


pas tu kene spend the night kt pan pacific pulak.

pas tu balik2 nk kluar pulak.


dah la.

that’s it.


i don’t even wanna be here.

although it’s not like i can run away now.